advice on overnight visits post c section

[ledkr]

I know it souns silly but i am already worrying about the something and i am only 17wks. My in laws live 2-3 hrs away and this will be their first gc.Mil works in a school so only gets weekend to visit. They are very nice but i am not particularly close to them as they live away and we have only been together 4 yrs so see them about 6x a year so not ever developed anymore than a friendly relationship.So i am kind of on my best behaviour with them.(not easy for me)
They stay occasionally and are good guests generally but its the usual story of endless meals and drinks and clean bedding and towells.
My baby will be born by elective c section so ideally they can visit when i am still in hosp but my fear is that i will not be in during the weekend and they will then expect to come at the weekend which will only be a few days post op.
I just want to weep at the thought of our special time being "intruded on"and the physical things like leaky boobs and san towells when a man in the house. Want to just flop in pjs and bond with baby and dd 8 will need a look in.
I have told dh and he aggrees but i think logistically it will be so hard at the time. Obviously they want to see dgc asap but how the hell can we ask them to stay in b and b and even then it means all day visits which is just as bad.I have had 3 previous sections and know how i will be feeling.
I am a paternal granny myself(honestly) and understand the strong feelings you have for gc and am not implying at all that they should not see and spend lots of time with dc just that it needs to be in measured doses as with ALL visitors and not intrude upon all our exciting time together.
Dh says he will do a kind of planned rota as soon as i get my date which is ok in theory but i feel cruel and unreasonable not to allow them to stay whilst at the same time feel desperate to have some quiet time after.
Also why is it bothering me so much and so early,is it my flippin hormones?

[emmyloulou]

Just say no, I am in your position with amount of sections etc and will deliver 7 weeks today all being well.

We live away from family who will expect to come down the weekend, I have said no as I will be coming home, they can visit the following w/end.

[ledkr]

You make it sound so simple! are they your family or in laws? does dh agree? so glad you feel the same. just want time to recover in peace don't you?

[emmyloulou]

Both inlaws and my family, yes DH agrees totally. I just need peace, rest a pj weekend and need to be able to walk properly at least I can't cope with people hanging around all weekend.

I made it easy this time I have just said no

[Hevster]

I am saying a big fat no to the hospital visiting too - it's not going to go down well but thats just tough really (she says making it all sound so simple when she knows it won't be!)
I think you have to make a decision and tell people as early as you can before they start getting too many expectations, as long as both of you agree and stick to it then it's quite hard for people to argue.

[KatyS36]

We had no houseguests for the first few weeks (and no visitors for the first few days). These were our rules and it was lovely. We just told everyone that was how it was going to be. Fortunatly everyone was fine, but we would have stuck to it none the less. My mum flew up to visit her first GC and stayed with a family friend.

We had a lovely lovely time with our first DC, just the three of us.

Only feel a tiny bit guilty that the sainsburys delivery man saw her before her grandparents :)

[mnistooaddictive]

I guess it depends on whether it is important that your child has a close relationship with their granparents. Being a parent means putting your child first and sometimes that means having granparents to stay. You sound really selfish to me. This is a major event in their life too. Make it clear you will need help if they come such as ooking and cleaning.
"I just want to weep at the thought of our special time being "intruded on" WTF and you already have children? You may be grateful for someone to hold the baby whilst you get some sleep.

[emmyloulou]

Addictive are you for bloody real? Have you got any idea how hard it will be post section with 3 other kids!

It's important the intital family unit, you know the actual household has time to adjust, the mother get well after a serious op and the baby get feeding etc.

A week or so grace will not make a blind bit of diffence to the GC relationship, my kids are very close to their GP on both sides, geez they have a whole life time, get a grip and think about her situation.

A 4th section will be bloody hard to recover from.

[ledkr]

Ha ha don't worry about it Emmy I think addictive should go to the aIbu threads to be all aggressive and judgemental. Selfish? I can assure you I am far from that and at what point did I suggest not allowing them contact with gc? Merely not having to put them up in small house with no spare room as soon as I leave hospital! this is on top of one ds with kidney failure and one fighting for this bloody country so don't be so quick to judge in future!
Selfish indeed!

[Shaz10]

Ask them to stay in a B&B/hotel/friends house. My inlaws flew in but stayed at my mum's house.

[SkiHorseWonAWean]

My mum came over when my son was 3 weeks after emcs. She stayed in a hotel and only came to my house for 2 hours at a time.

MIL came over a few weeks later, stayed in the same hotel but it wasn't until my boyfriend and her had a blazing row that she got the hint NOT to hang around the house for 12 hours a day. :(

Despite me not getting on with my mother I can tell you which visitor I preferred...

[ledkr]

Gosh that was quite a long time. Did they have a quick visit early when in hospital? It must be more difficult if don't even get on with the guests. I like all family members I just know from previous experience that long visits are exhausting and that's without having to have it morning til night. my daughter is also important in this too as she has struggled with the break up from her dad and getting used to a step family and I don't want this made worse by jealousy as naturally the in laws will be delighted with new gc and may inadvertently leave her out a bit.

[SkiHorseWonAWean]

We live overseas so quick visits are not possible. :( 2 hour limits are great!

[ThatDamnDog]

I had MIL and SIL stay for a week when I had my elective section. They arrived within an hour of me coming out of theatre. They were a huge, huge help BUT I'd have preferred to go without the help for a few days because our house is tiny and I was very exposed and exhausted trying to recover and get feeding established. Sadly my DP isn't as understanding as yours and was upset when I said I didn't want that to happen this time. So even though we don't know a date he's invited MIL to stay while we wait for me to go in to labour and she's going to stay with my parents once the baby's born. Can't say I'm pleased that I could have someone staying for my final 3 or 4 weeks of pregnancy in our 2 bed house, and DS kicked out of his bed again, but hey, it's DP's baby too so I'm having to suck it up. If you can say no, I'd say no, but I appreciate how hard it can be. I've had loads of advice to just refuse but it isn't that easy, especially without your partner's support. So if he's in agreement make the best of it!it!

[ledkr]

Poor you. that's awful. Why are some mils so intrusive?mine came to our ''secret'' wedding. was just me dh and two close friends on xmas eve.
I am a mil and when gc was born sat patiently waiting to be asked to go to hospital when they were ready and then offered rather than imposed my help. I class my dil as a close friend and this is largely due to my non interference. parents have to realise that gcs are not their children and that every new parent is entitled to that special time done the way they both want.

[ThatDamnDog]

Don't talk to me about weddings! I'd quite like for us to sneak off and get married, but DP said no because his mum would be upset. I think he even asked her how she'd feel and she said she'd be hurt. It narks a bit because he's already been married once, big expensive meringues-and-top-hats job, yet I'm not getting it my way because of his mum. My own parents approached me when I got pregnant with DS to tell me if we were to plan something along those lines not to worry about them, they'd understand, which just makes it worse!

But she's a lovely woman and of course hugely important to DP, and she really is helpful, so I'm swallowing it. I am a bit sad that there's things about DS's first days that were made really hard for me but then that's time I won't get back so no point being morose about it. Hopefully this time I'll be able to take my time and let our little family settle in as a foursome without having to accommodate guests too. If only DP could see I wouldn't even have my own mum staying, even if she lived miles away - I just want it to be us!

Sorry to hijack - it's just most people on here think it's easy to just say no, but sometimes it really isn't. DP's mum mean's the world to him and I feel that he takes any deviation from how he thinks things should happen as a criticism of her. What he doesn't realise is that it's bloody hard to cope with the emotional wringer you go through when you have a baby, even more so when you've a painful wound and you're trying to feed, and all you want - actually, need - is privacy. So your DP is being very understanding and I think that's absolutely brilliant. And as far as having a good relationship in years to come - of course your DC will have a fantastic relationship with this woman! I didn't meet my best friend until I was 18, and I didn't meet DP until I was 21, and despite not crossing paths before our first shit we're still close!

[mnistooaddictive]

I had my very difficult MIL to stay for a week whilst recovering from my emcs so I do know what I am talking about. I decided that her need to meet her new granchild was more important than my need to wallow on my own. She was actually very helpful surprisingly. If you don't give people a chance then you will never know.
The other comments I will iugnore as this is not the place to discuss them. I hope it goes well for you and you recover well as it must be difficult 4th time round.

[estya]

What are their expectations? Do you whether they intend to visit straight away?

If they do stay very early on, I would twist it to be that they are coming to help - make the point that they aren't going to be your guests this time.
"Its so good to have family who can come and help while i get over the caesarian - even being able to keep an eye on the other kids while i get to grips with feeding etc"

In my opinion, thats what family is for - we can't shut them out of our life when they want to be a part of it because they are there for us when we need their help.
If you don't think they are be prepared to be there to help, i don't think you need to feel guilty about asking them to visit an a time that is convenient for you.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I had my MIL to stay for a week, 2 weeks after my emcs. She was fab, cooked the dinner, put the hoover round, cuddled DS while I had a shower.

This time I am planning an elective, and my parents will come up a couple of days before and stay while I'm in hospital and for a few days afterwards - and then probably come again once DH is back at work. Leaves me in peace to establish feeding and sleep as much as possible!

[ledkr]

Thanks for all your comments. It seems others are in worse situations with lazy in laws not helping. mine are kind and helpful and will only be available for weekends anyway. can I make it clear that I never ever suggested they didn't see baby as soon as possible merely that recalling how awful you feel post op, having people to stay in small house with no spare room and poorly son is far from ideal and sorry addictive but that is relevant as its a factor in the whole thing.
Anyway I do have perspective now and realise that a one night stay is hardly the end of the world and will go a long way to good feeling. I am lucky enough to be assertive enough not to cook n stuff and take myself away if necessary.

[PixieCake]

This is such a tricky one isn't it.

I am also having an ELCS. My plan (after talking to a friend who has been through it) is to invite the inlaws and parents to the hospital quite early on. That way they will have seen the baby and got the worst of it 'out of their system'. Apparently they don't stay as long in the hospital as they do if they come to your house.

Then I plan to say I will let them know when we are ready for home visits, which may not be for a few weeks as I will be really tired.

I agree with you ledkr about the best behaviour thing - quite frankly who needs that after just giving birth!

[ThatDamnDog]

I bumped into a mum acquaintance when we were out earlier and we got talking about this - she had her own mum staying and said she was sad when they left, she was so glad of the help! But it sounds like she had a horrid long labour then a section in the end so she must have been wrecked.

I think she probably thought I was an ungrateful cow for feeling like I'd like a bit of space to myself this time ...

Only one other bit of advice to the OP - if you have the option, at all, avoid having visitors on days 3 and 4 - but then you'll know that already

[lucy101]

I am only 14 weeks but I am already slowly beginning to break it to the family that DH and I will be taking it gently with the baby and won't be having visitors until I feel up to it. I am doing it now so they have time to get their head around the idea and they won't get their hopes up about coming to the hospital etc. I will also (hopefully) be giving birth in Feb so am anxious about colds and flu and things.

I have only recently lost a baby so I don't feel that I care if people think I am being selfish and over-protective. Both are families are rather difficult too so I don't want to expose myself to any arguments when I am feeling vulnerable as in the long run this will cause even more problems in our families.

It is good that you have DH's support, I do too, so start gently getting everyone on board with what you want as politely as possible.

[Dotty38]

Hi ledkr, very tricky situation and I can see that your torn between just wanting quiet time but also don't want to prevent the inlaws from coming over. Do you have family near by who could put them up for the weekend in those early day's/week's - maybe a sister or parent could lend their spare room if family dynamics allow of course!

[Dotty38]

p.s. didn't mean anything by the family dynamics thing, just re-read post and thought that might sound a bit judgemental! Simply that I know how blumming complex my own lot can be.

[DuelingFanjo]

"I guess it depends on whether it is important that your child has a close relationship with their granparents"

I think this is a strange thing to say. Having the grandparents staying overnight or visiting in the early days is not an indicator of how much you want your children to have a close relationship with their grandparents.

I think if your husband understands the way you feel then he should be the one to pass on the 'rules' to his parents and you should be the one to keep your own parents informed. I certainly wouldn't want anyone stayingovernight while recovering from a birth let alone from a C-section.

Definitely tell them that they will need to book a B&B and that you will be limiting visits so that you are not over-tired. There will be plenty of time for them to see their grandchild later and anyway - in future I would expect them to be getting a B&B as you will now have one extra person in the house.