First time mum & the more i read the more i worry! Help!

[Katecool]

Hi, Im a first time mum and almost 16wks. The more i try and read about pregnancy and birth to help me be prepared the more i start to feel overwhelmed and slightly panicked. I know this is normal and every first time mum goes through this but......
Please, Do any experienced mums have some great bits of advice or suggestions that they wish they had known before giving birth/after the birth for the first timers?
My DP really has no idea whats about to hit him!! lol

[Pioneer]

What is it that is panicking you the most?

The birth or the looking after the baby?

Have you arranged some antenatal classes? I did a private class, and found that as there was only one other couple there, we had a lot more time to ask silly questions. The downside of this of course is that we didn't get to meet many other mums and dads, but met them in other ways.

I honestly felt totally overwhelmed before doing the classes - she explained all the pros and cons of pain relief, perineal massage etc, and I decided that I wanted to try for as natural a birth as possible.

I had wanted to give birth in the pool, but by the time I got to the hospital there was not enough time - I gave birth naturally with some gas and air for pain relief. I did have a 2nd degree tear, but I had some stitches and it aligned well.

I also watched a DVD called Happy Birth Day - think it's by NCT? I got it free in a magazine though so not sure if you can buy it, but I found it helpful too.

[Pioneer]

Also at the antenatal classes, she showed us the best positions for labour, how the baby comes out, what is likely to happen straight after the birth, how to change a nappy, how to pick up and hold your baby, how to hold it when breastfeeding, etc etc. Basically all the stuff that you might feel to embarrassed to ask!

[cardamomginger]

First timer here too . Am now 35 weeks, and like you, went into major panic mode and reading stuff only seemed to make things worse! At the beginning I was trying to read everything and ended up scaring myself silly what with all the tales of gestational diabetes, carpal tunnel syndrome, vulval varicose veins , etc, etc. In the end I decided that I would read just the one book (I liked the Mumsnet Pregnancy Guide) and then only read up on things as they became relevant to me and my particular pregnancy. Most of these things have not been relevant to me, so I haven't bothered to read about them and that has certainly reduced the panic factor and made things feel more manageable. In terms of deciding what sort of birth to try and aim for, you have MASSES of time to think about this. So don't fret that you need to absorb all the information and be on top of it right now. I did like the Mumsnet presentation of the different stages of birth and the different options available to you and found it clear and straightforward. That helped me start to formulate my own questions and start thinking about things as the months went on. You have loads of time to mull things over. I agree that antenatal classes are good - makes it all feel much more manageable and normal. And you get to meet other people who may also be feeling overwhelmed and clueless, which helps!
Congratulations! It can feel overwhelming, and that is perfectly normal and OK! But as one of my best friends said - plenty of people a lot more daft than us seem to manage it, so we'll be fine .

[naturalbaby]

i'm an old 3rd timer! but 1st time round i read anything and everything, did every course going. i'm a total control freak and had very determined ideas about how, when and where i wanted to give birth so i just focused on that and prepared myself as much as possible. by the time the day came i felt so calm and confident i got exactly the birth i planned
i would just get a rough idea of what your main goal is (mine was a home birth in water) and focus on that. the main information i focused on was what happens during labour so i could just trust my body to do what it needed to in it's own time and then just chill out and stay relaxed.
i did a hypnobirthing course which was pricey but totally worth it to keep me calm and focused in the last few weeks and when i was in labour.

[Katecool]

Thanks very much girls and really good luck to cardamomginger as a first timer too.
I know i cant prepare for everything but we are deff going to antenatal classes. I did want to go to one of the NCT classes but having just spent £225 on a private nucal fold scan (scan not offered in my area even though im 35!!)...spending another £200...id rather spend it on baby stuff and take the NHS classes.
I'm very much like you naturalbaby and i prefer to be fully 'read up' and organised and in control. lol
Ive always liked the idea of a water birth but maybe that will change..who knows!?

I guess its just silly things i worry about But all these questions my mid-wife can answer im sure, just think experienced mums are the best peopel to ask.

I'm wondering how i will cope, will i be able to breast feed, Is breast feeding as hard as some people make out? Changing table or use the floor, Should baby sleep in our room or on thier own? I'm condidering having them for a few months next to me and then into their own room, can i tell my MIL to back off and leave me alone and give me time to bond with baby without hurting her feelings...(she lives with us)I wish babys arrived with an idiots guide to....lol

[dinkystinky]

2 recommendations for you - 1 read Childbirth without fear (it is a good book and will help you chill out) and 2 try hypnobirthing (course or book and dc) to relax you. And let go of the control freakery (says an experienced mum of 2 who was just like you with first pregnancy - second one I was much more relaxed and it was a better all round time ) if you can.

Also - in a few months time - ask your midwife about local baby groups (some of which encourage mums to be to turn up), postnatal local NCT coffee mornings (ditto) and get top tips from mums who have been through it all - and local breastfeeding support groups who can help you with any breastfeeding issues you might have.

It will be fine, honest.

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Its going to be fine.

Ive had tons of kids (well five)

I tried hypnobirthing with 4&5 and it really helped.

Breastfeeding is a funny old game IMO. I dont want to get flamed (please) but when you do it the first time it can really hurt. It doesnt mean you are doing it wrong and just when you think you cant stand it anymore, it starts to get better.

I only say this because I think a lot of women feel rubbish because it doesnt all just happen like in the books.

I have had all mine in the room with me because I found it easier. I am lazy

The birth? Do your very very best to stay calm. It will be ok. It will hurt but not for ever. The baby will come out and you will be happy.

I found a birthing ball a revelation with no 5. I wish I had used one for all of them.

I think reading up is a good thing but too much info can do your head in.

Not sure I have been much help

[SparkleandShine]

I would definitely do the NCT classes....

I got a lot of help from our NCT BF specialist in the first week when noone on the NHS available. And also went to their bumps and babes with our newborns

[BuckBuckMcFate]

I would say try not to have any expectations of what the birth will be like, aim for a safe birth for both of you.

I have had 3 DC and currently pg with no 4.

I have never had a birth plan, have tried to avoid reading up too much on labour and instead tried to remember that labour is a natural process and had faith that my body would know what to do. I am not a lentil weaving type either, very much the opposite and quite a control freak but have convinced myself that it is not possible to control everything, especially when and how a baby will be born.

I would prefer as little intervention as possible but then I'm also completely open to having cs if neccessary for me or the baby.

With DC1, I was only 19 and thought I would give breastfeeding a go and if it didn't work then I would send DP out to buy a bottle. Looking back I think I was quite naive but the fact that I didn't think about it too much meant that I just got on with it and was lucky that I could do it relatively easily.

On a more practical level I have found birthing balls very useful.
Keep moving during the early stages. Squeezing someone's hand really does help.
Keep in mind that nursing mothers used to be confined to their beds to establish feeding, adopt this and stay in your pj's hunkered down with the baby and MN.

[Pioneer]

Why not do the NHS classes and then if you still feel a bit uneasy about things, you could maybe do a one off one to one class with a private midwife? I think ours charged about £50 for an hour and a half.

I'm wondering how i will cope - you will cope - everyone thinks they won't but you will.

Will i be able to breast feed, Is breast feeding as hard as some people make out? - You may, you may not, but either way, it's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up if you find it difficult - do the best thing for you and your baby.

Changing table or use the floor - you will figure out this and lots of other things once baby is here.

Should baby sleep in our room or on thier own? I'm condidering having them for a few months next to me and then into their own room - I think the recommendations are 6 months in your room, but I personally found that DS was too big for his moses basket at 4 months and made the transition then.

Can i tell my MIL to back off and leave me alone and give me time to bond with baby without hurting her feelings...(she lives with us) - I would advise you strongly to sit down and have a good chat about ground rules before baby comes, otherwise you might end up really getting on each others nerves, however though you may feel you want space now (I did), once you are sleep deprived and in need of some alone time, I think you might feel very very lucky to have her there! I would have done anything for an extra pair of hands in the early days!
I only joined Mumsnet after DS was about 8 weeks old, and it was the best thing I did - I wish I had known about it in pregnancy and the first few weeks - so keep posting!!

[wigglesrock]

I did NHS classes with my 1st, private NCT classes not available where I am (I don't think!!) They gave us a tour of labour ward, delivery rooms etc which was really helpful, sort of let you visualise where you would be etc, also felt much less scary. I got a funny book - Rough Guide to Pregnancy, Kaz Cooke and didn't read too many other books, also stayed away from google

Am 15 weeks and expecting my 3rd and still really nervous, would second the keep moving as much as possible for as long as possible when labour starts. Good luck and congratulations.

[Pioneer]

I am "thirding" the keeping moving .

My ds was back to back and turned in labour so it is well worth it.

Also plan loads of things to do (close to home) for around your due date and after as my ds was 11 days late and I was tearing my hair out with boredom and frustration!

[Tippychoocks]

I worried about people seeing my fanjo. I didn't care.
I worried about pooing during labour. I didn't care
I worried about BF, stitches and staying in the hospital (was in Ireland and they like to keep you in for days). I didn't care.

I would post for every worry through your pg and try to remember that the labour will not last - focus on the baby.

Don't buy everything you think you need. Check first with MN

And something I wish someone had told me. Contractions (not the hurty ones, the clenchy ones) carry on for bloody ages after birth and passing the placenta. I was hysterical and refusing to give birth to what I thought was a second baby . I'm not as thick as that makes me sound, I read books etc but missed that fact. But it panicked me at the time so I pass it on to any first timers I meet

[cardamomginger]

Thanks for the good wishes! Do keep checking in here and post if you need to. I've received some great advice and support from fellow Mumsnetters. Whatever you're worried about, feeling, thinking or experiencing some of us will have been there before and will be only to happy to share and help where we can . XX

[Pioneer]

Ooh tippychoocks I didn't have that with the contractions? Maybe it is just stronger in some women than others.

[Tippychoocks]

God really? I was hysterical, shouting that they'd have to leave this one in. I really thought there was another that had been missed
Maybe I'll blame the gas and air

[Katecool]

Ladies your all totally fab and have put my mind at rest...almost..lol
Big big thanks to all :)