Anyone else have fears of autism?

[Sonny40]

I don't mean to offend anyone with voicing my fears, and I apologise if I am. I'm pregnant with my first child. I'm forty. I know that I could worry about a lot of things, and at 18 weeks there's certainly a lot to worry about ahead but I have a real fear of having a child on an autistic spectrum and not being able to cope.

There's no reason for me to think this will happen and I know it's irrational. I don't know why i zone in on autism. It just really scares me. I manage to get my mind to a place where I'm convinced it will happen.

But do other mums to be have these sorts of worrying thoughts? If so, how do you contain them?

[LynetteScavo]

I used to worry that my child wouldn't be "perfect". In fact, I had resigned my self to the fact that my child would have some sort of disability or other.

Worrying thoughts do happen when you are PG, but really are pointless.

[Gigantaur]

Your age has very little to do with Autism.
you know they are irrational and so i shant bother detailing all the reasons why.

the ultimate answer is that if by the slightest chance your child does have anything that could be considered an additional need you will cope. I promise you.

Like Lynette, i think we all worry that there will be something less than pinky perfect,. DS does have autism but you know what? he is perfect to me.

[Sonny40]

I realise they're pointless, of course, but you say you resigned yourself. Does that mean you went through pregnancy all up to birth and after feeling that way? Did it go? Do you have your child now?

[Sonny40]

Thanks Gigantaur - I'm sorry. I hope I haven't offended you. I feel bad having these worries. Problem with first time pregnancy is everything is theoretical. Can't imagine loving a child so much it won't matter, if that makes sense - it's still not quite the big emotional exoerience

[pirateparty]

I think it's normal to have worrying thoughts about all sorts of things to do with dc. Different people will focus on different things.

I think what is important is just how much it is worrying you. Could you rationalise the thoughts or perhaps put them 'away' when they come into your head? The latter is what I try to do.

If it is taking over your enjoyment of looking forward to your baby and your everyday life then perhaps thinking of ways of coping with it would be a good idea. Your GP could suggest local CBT services for example.

But yes, I think MN shows Mums and Dads all worry about things

[Sonny40]

Some days it's perfectly manageable. Other days I'll seize on something and make the day a misery. I think it's also quite hormonal - even though the tendency is there. I meditate (believe it or not) and do understand CBT techniques.

[Gigantaur]

no you haven't offended me.

When i was PG with DS i was convinced i wouldn't love him anywhere near the way people go on about. I am the eldest of 10 so had been around babies my entire life. I wasn't at all maternal and thought i would feel the same way about him as i did by siblings. Love yes, but not this all consuming stuff you heard about.

He arrived after a traumatic birth and a night in SCBU.

within 10 minutes of meeting him i had melted. I felt every single emotion Clintons told me i would.

I amd the most hard faced, cold hearted bitch you can imagine and yet this tiny little baby ha dturned me into a girly puddle of syrup.

You will of course love him/her unconditionally. No matter whether they come out pink and perfect or slightly odd shaped.
They will be your world from the very moment you meet them.

If im wrong i'll eat my dog.

[Sonny40]

Thank you Gigantaur. I needed to hear all that today. You don't sound like a hard faced, cold hearted bitch - in fact you made me cry a little! But you speak about pregnancy as I feel so thanks for that and yes, I hope for all those feelings

[LynetteScavo]

Sonny, I agree it probably has a lot to do with hormones, but also you are preparing yourself for the worst (or what your personally see as the worst case scenario).

Yes, I felt like that up until the birth, although the 20 week scan did help a bit. But then I was convinced my baby would be blind and deaf, and the scan wouldn't have picked it up.

I was convinced DD was going to die during labour or shortly after birth. She didn't.

I now have 3 perfect children. Well, nearly perfect.

[Gigantaur]

don't beat yourself up. I think the vast majority of us feel that way.

I don't think that there are many who haven't worried about loving their baby.

Even those who have already had a child panic that they don't have enough love for two.
it is all part of the wonder that is pregnancy.

and the crying is just the hormones

[Whelk]

Oh Sonny I worried about there being something wrong with my dcs - in my first pg it was related to toxoplasmosis and in my second CMV. I think it is very normal although I felt utterly ashamed to be feeling so terribly negative about any imperfection. Its a terrible relentless feeling so I sympathise.

It is the hormones I think as oddly I wasn't stressed about any of it after I had had them and obviously you don't instantly know whether your dc has autism or many other problems.

I have two beautiful dds. Perfect to me but neither perfectly healthy (although minor but potentially serious health problems) and I wouldn't swap them for the world. They are an absolute joy!

Perhaps it would help to talk to a doctor or midwife. It helped me. Keep posting if it helps. I feel quite strongly that there is very little support for this type of anxiety.

[1Catherine1]

I'm a teacher in a mainstream secondary school and come across many children who are on the Autistic spectrum. If I lined up all my kids and asked you to pick out the autistic ones I know you wouldn't be able to.

As their teacher I know who they are and I understand the little things that need to be done slightly differently for them or the situations they don't cope well with. They are however, an absolute joy. the differences are mainly social differences that they have to work a little harder to overcome. There are a lot of misconceptions around autism that come from a general lack of understanding of it.

I hope this eases your fears in some way.

[Sonny40]

Thank you all very much. It's really helpful. I agree with with Whelk, it feels very shameful to be feeling negative about any imperfection - and in truth, although I latch onto autism, i think it's more that I need to pin the anxiety of the unknown onto something

[silverfrog]

Sonny40,

Please do try not to worry (pointless saying that, I know, but still)

I too am a mother to an ASD child. Dd1 is nearly 6, and severely autistic - probably exactly the level you are worrying about. She has severe delays, and attends a special needs school, with a full time 1 to 1 assistant. I worry everyday about her future, and how the world will turn out for her when she grows up and we are not here anymore to look put for her.

But I have those very same fears for dd2 as well. I do not know that she is going to be perfectly happy, or that everything will run smoothly for her in whatever life she turns out to have. Dd2 is not disabled in any.way, but my fears remain nonetheless. Of course I hope she will be happy in every way, bit I don't know that this will be the case. Parenting is full of uncertainty, whether your child is disabled or not.

When you have a child, you do assume that all will go well. That life will pan out nicely, and that everything will be fine for your child. It is not wrong to assume this, nor wrong to worry a out how it might go wrong. As you say, it is all part of a fear of the unknown.

But, like gigantaur, I promise you that come what may, you will love your child. I too was completely unmaternal before i had my dds - I'd barely even touched a baby before that point! But they arrive, tiny little scraps that they are, and suddenly the whole world shifts a little, and the new focus is this tiny snuffling little thing...

[ben5]

ds2 is on the slight end of being austic. he's in main stream school and has help in the morning to help him interact with his peers. his speech is delayed but with time and patients it's getting better. he is understood by people who now him 95%of the time. sometimes he is hard work but so is ds1 who isn't austic. he's a cuddle little boy.
good luck

[wonderif]

Hi there i dont think you will offend anyone when your pregnant you do worry.

i have a 7 year old girl who is autistic I have a 4 yr old who isnt but i am pregnant and in the back of mind yes I am worried about this child.

Ofcourse my wee girl is just a wee angel and she is my baby but you know you worry about what the future holds and even now its awful seeing my youngest get on and have friends and my eldest cant do that.

We will cope as will you trust me there are lots worse than autism and i just thank myself lucky that i have my kids.

enjoy your pregnancy and put it to back of your head

[LimaCharlie]

If I were pregnant now then I would be worried about autism as it is believed to be a genetic condition which with a DS with ASD any child that I was carrying would be genetically pre-disposed to being on the spectrum.

I think that unless you have ASD in your family then you are no more likely to have a child with autism than any other condition.

And you know what? You'd love them just the same, just like everyone else has said.

I think as these boards are often used by parents with children who have SN as a sounding board or a place to vent, then most people tend to have a negative impression of autism and it isn't always that way.

DS is so refreshingly honest, straightforward, polite, loving, kind, thoughtful, respectful, intelligent - some qualities are naturally his own, others are skills that he has been taught and given help with.

Amongst my group of friends there are several children with varying degrees of ASD - some high functioning like DS, others doubly incontinent, non-verbal - but then so is a baby and you don't love them any less for it.

[Sonny40]

Thank you all very much for your wise, kind words

[TheLifeOfRiley]

I have to say I was ready to come on and bite your head off for being so insensitive but then I thought back to when I was riddled with pregnancy hormones and have decided to let you off.

My DS is autistic, to people who don't know him he maybe comes across as a little odd and antisocial but that's it. Those that know us know he is 5 and still in nappies, still doesn't sleep through, has anxieties fears and phobias, sensory issues, etc.

Have a look on my profile pics, he is gorgeous (biased) and lovely and has taught me a lot about myself and the world.

I think most people worry when pg it's only natural but please try not to! Why not learn a little more about autism and other conditions so you feel more informed? (Not to ease your irrational fears but just so you are more informed.)

[japhrimel]

I worry about a lot of things. I used to work for the Princess Royal Trust for Carers and met loads of amazing parent carers whose kids had all kinds of disabilities, some really serious. The possibility of having a child with severe autism does worry me, but then so does the risk of the baby having a heart condition or deformity or cerebral palsy!

I've known people on the Autism Spectrum and many of them lead pretty normal lives. They just have a different way of looking at the world, people in particular.

[Whelk]

TheLifeofRiley your ds is gorgeous!

[Strawberrycornetto]

I also worried a lot about autism for some reason. I think it might be because its not well understood among the general population. One of my friends has a neighbour who has two sons with autism and neither can speak at all (in their teens) and this really fightened me. I think its because I am a very vocal person and not being able to communicate with my child would be one of the things I'd find the hardest to deal with.

DS doesn't have autism but we've had other health worries I didn't even consider before he was born and we've coped fine. You will be fine. Good luck with your pregnancy.

[ReasonableDoubt]

I worried myself sick through all my pregnancies that something would be 'wrong' with my babies. It's natural. Autism wasn't even on my radar, actually, but I worried about fatal defects and terrible brain injuries and such like. i think it's very normal to be highly anxious, especially first time around.

The amazing thing about parenthood, though, is how a) tough and b) loving it makes you. From the moment you see your child you love him/her so intensely that nothingcan ever sway it. That's not to say that you won't be devastated if your child has a disability or special need (highly unlikely, anyway), but you will find inner resources of strength and love you never knew existed. Trust me.

My DS was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (an autistic spectrum condition) aged 5 yrs old, and I cannot imagine loving a child more. I was an undomesticated, spoilt and quite self absorbed person before motherhood, but being a mum full stop, and certainly being a mum to a SN child, has brought out qualities in me that amaze me.

Honestly, whatever happens, you will be OK.

[jammydodger]

I worried when I was pregnant with DS1 that he would be autistic, because there is a family history on my side of mild ASD, totally undiagnosed except by me!! And yes, DS1 does have ASD, and of course his life would be easier without it, but we love him to bits and he's our gorgeous boy, just as his non-autistic brother, ds2, is.
It's all a lottery anyway isn't it, and as has been said before, there are worse things...
Good luck!