unsympathetic boyfriend getting me down

[RoxyLady]

I am currently 10 weeks and have had awful morning sickness. I was sent home early today from work because i was so ill.
My boyf's father is dying of cancer and i understand he is upset about it. However, tonight when he saw i was ill he told me to "stop being weak and get a hold of urself. Look at you, you look awful"
That sent me off into tears which prompted him to say "other pregnant women deal with it, why cant you. Is your dad dying?"
Im so upset. Am i being out of order? I cant help feeling so ill

[xkatyx]

Oh you poor thing, i am also nearly 10 weeks and know the horrible sickness, i know your boyfriend is under a lot of stress but really that wasnt nice of him.

I really dont think men get it, my dh is brilliant but he does sometimes makes comments like "how long does this last so we can get back to normal" and "is it really that bad"

i can see how this is getting you down, exspecially as you feel like crap and need some kind of reassurance, try and have a word with him let him know how hard it is and you could do with the support at the moment.

[BrownPaperandString]

He's out of order to speak to you like that. Unless you've been moaning and moaning about it (which would be totally understandable by the way!), then he might be feeling that he's getting it from all sides and can't cope with all the sickness around him.

Either way, that's no way to talk to your partner, pregnant or otherwise.

[oliviacrumble]

I would really take exception to the remarks your boyfriend made. Telling you that you 'look awful', is nasty and uncalled for. Is this type of thing really out of character for him, or has he taken this tone in the past?

Agree with BPAS, it's no way to talk to anyone. I'm sure he's having a dreadful time, but i would let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate that attitude.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

[2ndDestiny]

Agree with BrownPaper and Olivia. I really feel for your boyfriend that he's losing his Dad, but it's simply not an excuse for being nasty and hurtful to you when you are feeling awful. What rubbish other pregnant women 'deal with it', everyone's different, some pregnant women don't even have ms - and those that do probably deal with it similarly to you, i.e. time off work if you need it, etc.

Sorry you're having such a rough time and I hope he apologises.

[MammyG]

My dad died of cancer when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I was trying to deal with it all while dealing with horrendous morning sickness. My mom has had cancer too and likened chemo treatment to MS.
I know your BF is under a lot of stress at the moment and on an awful emotional rollercoaster but you cannot help what is happening with your body. How pregnancy affects you is entirely out of your control. This is my third and is nothing at all like the other two.
Your BF is feeling a lot of anger and frustration that he cannot necessarily express without upsetting other members of his family that are already hurting. You need to remind him not to transfer that. Without making excuses for his behavious he is just picking on you cause you are a)able to answer back and b)not dying and leaving him with the guilt of having taken anger out on you. He is just so angry at everything and still trying to stay strong and calm for the rest of his family. We found both men in our family needed to be reminded that they are right to be angry, its not fair and their frustration was justified. But they were angry at Dad dying, not dad, not us or anyone else. It could also be possible that your illness is frightening him a little too. We are so helpless in the face of ill health.
Try to talk to him. Remind him he has your love and support and that likewise you need his. Both pregnancy and his father dying is something you are both going thru!
Im not sure I could have dealt with the last few months if it werent for DH and it has made us a lot stronger. But we have talked non stop. Life is crazy and losing a parent while expecting a child really brings home the 'circle/cycle of life' thing. It can be humbling. Sorry for rambling on I guess it just feels familiar. take care

[saltnvinigarcrips]

I second MammyG. Great advice!

[daisystone]

You are not being out of order, you feel like hell and can't help it. I had dreadful morning (all day) sickness and it is appalling and unless you have had it yourself, you really don't understand how bad it is.

Certainly my husband didn't 'get it' immediately and it was only when it went on and on and on and on and I was very depressed and wasn't eating that it clicked in his head "shit, this is really bad for her and she can't help it!".

He is obviously in a lot of turmoil at the moment and is probably scared and is taking it out on his nearest and dearest. I would probably sit him down and explain that you love him and that you want to help him through this but that he has to realise that you are pregnant and have symptoms that you cannot control and that maybe some women do get through pregnancy without too much of an ordeal but that unfortunately you are being affected badly and it is not something you have chosen.

I would also very clearly let him know that he is not to talk to you in such a demeaning way - particularly when you are pregnant with his child. I am sure his father would be upset if knew his son was behaving in this way towards you.

Sometimes men don't realise how bad some things can be until they read it in a book or have medical proof. Perhaps buy a book explaining it or print something off to show him? He does need to apologise to you though and I would demand this from him and make him see why an apology is so necessary.

I have massive amounts of sympathy for you. . Keep well.

[Lavitabella]

Great advise on here, so I agree with all the above!

My DP was also not very sympathetic, sometimes men just don't get it . Someone on my antenatal thread recommended downloading the application "what to expect when you're expecting" on his i phone and now he gets a message a day is consistantly reminded. He just needs to get used to the idea, I had no idea how bad MS could be until I experienced it myself, really hope you feel better soon.

[bigredtractor]

Hello, just wanted to add a slightly different perspective, if that's OK. I have lost both my parents to cancer - my mum only last September.

I find it really difficult to deal with people's minor illnesses, health complaints etc. as once you see something that terrible happening to somebody so close (& there is nothing you can do about it), you can't help but to compare it to what the person with cancer is going through.

Now, I'm not saying that he wasn't sharp with you or that his comments were OK - they weren't, but maybe try and see them in the context of his experience of a more serious illness. Perhaps something specific has happened over the last few days, or is happening that has triggered it. He takes it out on you because he can - you are close to him and will forgive him.

[Ibizadreams]

I do agree with bigredtractor - I'm sure he didn't mean it to sound as bad as it did.

A close colleague of mine has been working all through chemo treatment and my boss is totally unsympathetic towards my sickness, pointing out that if my colleague can work then I have NOTHING to moan about. I just have to suck it up, and cry to my family instead...