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Pregnancy

I've just had my last baby and feel very sad that there will be no-more pregnancies.

22 replies

CherryPie3 · 11/07/2010 14:21

Now, these feelings could be baby blues I'm not sure as I gave birth to my 2nd son 9 days ago.

My dh has decided he wants to book himself in for 'the snip'

We have 3 beautiful children and he has made no secret that he doesn't want anymore - in fact he didn't want more than 2 - he had a 3rd because I wanted more children (I've always wanted 4).

I don't feel like I'm done having children but I respect his decision and won't ask him to have more just to accommodate my wants. The thought of him having surgery as well is just horrible (I have a fear of surgery).

I just need advice on how to deal with this.
Right now I can't bear the thought of never being pregnant again. I've washed all of my maternity clothes and can't quite believe I'll never wear them again. I found a blank set of ante-natal notes that were posted to me in error months ago and I'm hesitating giving them back - although I have no sane reason for keeping them. Sentimental? Or just crazy?

I never take for granted how blessed I am to have 3 healthy and beautiful children when so many people struggle to have 1, this thread probably makes me sound very selfish too but I feel so overwhelmed trying to face this. Maybe I'm just weak or weird I don't know.

I realise I've probably posted this in the wrong topic but I remember getting so much support here after my mc - I guess I'm hoping for the same kind of support.

xxx

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LooL00 · 11/07/2010 14:57

Hugs Cherrypie. I've just had my 3rd too, and probably my last as I'm 43. I had really bad spd and don't want to be pregnant again in a hurry but no way would i want DH to have the snip. Maybe you should talk to your DH about using contraception for a while and making the snip decision together at a later date when you're not so emotional.

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japhrimel · 11/07/2010 15:02

It's probably not the best time for you to be dealing with this as you must be very hormonal! Would your DH be okay with waiting 6 months for you to get your head round the idea?

My Mum did say that she kept loads of baby stuff because giving it away made her broody again! I'd just stick all your stuff in boxes in the loft for now.

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lozzenge · 11/07/2010 15:36

I am due to have my last in 4 weeks and this will be my third child. I do think oh no no more but am looking forward to getting back into my clothes afterwards. We werent gonna av a 3rd but had two boys so were really pleased when we found out it was a girl. I justv think of it as time for me to get back in shape and not enough room in the house for anymore lol.....

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lovechoc · 11/07/2010 15:54

I would just focus on the postives in your life, be grateful for the children you do have and then re-evaluate the situation when you are less hormonal. Pregnancy and the post natal period are not good times to be deciding on if you want another child or not - IMHO it's best to wait until you have a clear mind a few months down the line when you aren't so sleep deprived.

I'm due my second child any day now and no WAY do I want anymore! I cannot bear the thought of going through more than two sets of sleepless nights and all the stresses and strains of being pregnant for a third time. It would drive me to an early grave

Think about all the wonderful things you can do as your three DC grow up - you can start being yourself again, fit into your normal clothing again, go out for a drink with friends without worrying about being pregnant, you can do loads of things that you cannot do when you are pregnant.

I suppose it all depends on whether you feel the glass is half empty or half full.

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Hevster · 11/07/2010 20:35

cherrypie never make decisions when you are hormonal - personally I shall be cracking open the champagne and toasting to never ever being pregnant again when DD2 arrives but I can see how you would find it difficult if you always wanted 4. Maybe give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea and you will find it easier to accept, if not at least you should be less hormonal and will be able to sort the pros and cons in your mind more rationally.

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CherryPie3 · 12/07/2010 17:46

thanks guys

I forgot to mention in my original post that he's only 23 and I am 25. Another reason I don't want hi to go through with it. He's still a young man.

From what I've read on the internet there seems to be a good chance he'll be refused anyway as he's under 30 and because I'm not happy with it - apparently the doctors prefer consent from partners before allowing the referral.

I've asked him to wait a few months but he says he doesn't see the point - this morning he even asked me to ask about it for him whilst I was taking our 5yo daughter to the docs. I said no way!!

Thanks for you replies guys

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FanjolinaJolie · 12/07/2010 18:10

I'm pretty sure it's a six month enforced wait for the snip anyway in case of people changing their mind.

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DomesticG0ddess · 12/07/2010 19:49

Congrats on your new DS! I agree that neither of you should be making the decision this soon after the birth. And I do think he is FAR too young to have it done, and actually the doctors would be irresponsible to do it. But that's just my opinion and I have no idea what the protocol is. But I doubt your consent would make a huge amount of difference - it is, after all, his body.

Can you talk to your DH about the fact that he has no idea what could happen in the future and how he will feel.

You're both so young, you could easily decide you want to have another one in 10 years time. You don't know what will happen, so just enjoy the fact that you have 3 wonderful kids, and that you are young enough to have more many years down the line. I am sure what you are feeling is very normal - I would feel the same if I had my heart set on a certain number - and your hormones are all over the place. Personally, I am pg with DS2 and can't wait to never have to go through this again!

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CherryPie3 · 13/07/2010 19:23

Thanks again...

I hope there is a 6m wait, and I hope the doctors refuse to refer him - for all the reasons that have been mentioned!!!

I realise it's his body and I don't expect my opinion to be the deciding factor in whether he goes for it or not - I just don't think it's the right time. Like Domestic said... 23 is not an age to have a vasectomy. But he is very headstrong and will do what he wants anyway .
If he gets refused on the NHS theres no way he will go private purely because of the cost - so I'm hoping.

For now I'm just going to enjoy my little ds2 because even though I do want another baby...I definitely don't want it anytime soon. Maybe 4 or 5 years .

Thanks for your help ladies and all the best to all of you

xxx

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Chynah · 13/07/2010 20:18

Know how you feel - I've just had my second and part of me ould like a third but DH only wants two and age isn't on my side anyway.

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CherryPie3 · 13/07/2010 20:40

Chynah congrats on your little one - is there no hope of talking your dh round to idea of 3 children? It took me 6 months of talks and financial calculations for him to agree

xx

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PrettyCandles · 13/07/2010 20:42

It's wonderful when your head and your heart say the same thing, but it's a torment when they disagree.

Your feelings don't make you selfish, weird or weak. Just - normal. And it's not ungrateful to want more, either.

We had a ds and a dd. As soon as ds2 was born I started giving away dd's baby clothes because I knew ds2 would be our last. It was difficult, but I felt I had to do it in order to force myself to accept that there would not be a dc4. But I could not part with my maternity gear. So I packed it away, together with the baby clothes that I wanted to keep for sentimental reasons.

Every 6m or so, as ds2 outgrows his clothes, I have a sortout of the boxes. What will I keep and what will I give away? When the sentimental things have been out of sight for a year or so, it becomes easier to see that life is moving along and I don't need to gang on to them.

Ds2 is nearly 4 now. The baby paraphernalia has almost disappeared from our lives. And as it disappeared I found that my longing for a 4th dc eased, perhaps because I was no longer surrounded by reminders of babyhood.

In ds2's first year I accepted, in my head, that we would have no more children. But my heart ached for more.

Now, at last, my heart agrees with my head. I am still broody around pg mums and young babies, but in almost a grandmotherly way: how lovely, cuddle, enjoy, and contentedly hand them back.

Bit of a long screed, but I hope seeing how my journey through broodiness has gone will encourage you.

And congratulations on your LO! Quite madly, I have always found that the first few weeks after giving birth have been the times when the urge to have anther dc has been at its strongest!

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porcupine11 · 13/07/2010 20:44

I think there is an extra enforced wait for men who have had a new baby too, as it's a common reaction!

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mrsgboring · 13/07/2010 20:52

I felt totally desperate after DS2's birth when DH suddenly announced that was it, no more (when all along we'd been thinking of having another). It was hell to deal with just after giving birth - I think it's a very common reaction - but it is getting easier now.

Still though. We lost DD before our DSs and so our family can never be complete no matter what we do. And I can still not quite accept that this is all over, and get quite cross with DH revelling in the disappearing of the baby phase and openly longing for DS2 to get a few years older.

But this is not about me, so I shall shut up.

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CherryPie3 · 14/07/2010 09:57

PrettyCandles You're totally right. I have no problem sorting out the baby clothes and giving them away tho - just my maternity clothes knowing that I probably won't ever wear them again . Honestly why is it that you go through hours of labour/pain and all you want to do afterwards is do it again?
I do find your story encouraging but I'm not ready to accept that as my journey-to-be just yet , but thank you for sharing.

I reckon it's just going to take time to get used to the idea.

DH currently isn't speaking to me about the whole thing. He says I don't support him with the things he wants to do - in actual fact this is the first thing I've not supported him on. It's not only in my interests for himm not to have it:
What if we ever broke up? Of course I believe we'll always be together but I have no idea what may happen in the future. Especially if he has the snip. I don't know what that would do to our relationship, I'd have to just accept it I guess but would that cause resentment? Probably. I'm feeling resentment already but due to my current emotional state having recently given birth, these emotions may not be around forever.

I know he wants another little girl and I believe theres a chance he may change his mind about more children when our newest addition is a little older.

mrsg Men don't have the best timing do they? Giving birth and just after is one of the most emotionally testing times and they spring something like this on us with no considerstion or consultation. I'm looking forward to enjoying my new ds's 'babyhood' even though - like your dh - my dh will be wishing him to be older.
I'm sorry about your dd

porcupine I hope their is - give him time to see sense

Thanks Ladies xx

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memorylapse · 15/07/2010 00:24

I can totally relate to how you are feeling.. and I think its normal to feel a sadness that you want be pregnant again..

My last DC was born just 12 weeks ago..she was my 5th living child (I have had 3 late term losses) and despite the pregnancy from hell..I feel dreadfully sad that I will never have any more children..I remember feeling the same after DD2 (my 4th)..(I did get pregnant twice but lost both babies)..the feelings faded and before I knew it..she was 5 and my eldest was 18..then DH and I had a brain storm and decided to have another!...I note with interest that he has still not booked his vasectomy

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CherryPie3 · 15/07/2010 10:09

Hi memorylapse - I'm very sorry to read about your late term losses .

I'm glad to hear your lo (Olivia?) arrived safely and everything is going well - I was on the May thread with you before I had to leave due to a mc - I was Kaylo. I remember you had hyperemesis (sp?) amongst other things - how grim, good job the babies are worth it eh?
I promise I'm not a stalker . I just liked checking in on you all and was so happy when the babies started arriving!! Because then I knew it wasn't long before my lo would be here .

I managed to have a chat with dh last night and he's finally taken my views on board and agreed to let me get the IUS fitted for 5 years after I've had my post-natal check. We didn't discuss further babies because there is plenty of time for that - I may even change my mind about the idea once my hormones settle down. Or when teething starts or toilet training .

Thanks again ml for your reply and all the best

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LilyBolero · 15/07/2010 10:13

I know how you feel as well - I've just had dc4, and he is definitely the last. And it is sad. I generally feel pretty crap during pregnancy, but there is something so special about feeling them kicking you. And I feel SO sad that there won't be a newborn again. I almost cried when I said goodbye to my mw, as she has been my Community mw for all 4, and delivered 3 of them! And it feels v odd not to see her again.

So I am trying to 'savour' every moment of ds3 (I have 3 ds and 1 dd), and I am mourning the passing of the time, but it is the right thing. I think once I am 'away' from the baby stage then I will be able to look forward a bit more, and not want to go back to the nappies and pushchairs, but atm it feels like a real wrench.

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senua · 15/07/2010 10:32

Congrats on your new baby.
We decided that we would stop at two. It was stange after DC2 was born because I knew that it would be the last, so I went through a sort of mourning stage (nothing like real mourning of course, don't want to compare my trivia to someone's real loss). There was a weird juxtaposition of joy at the new arrival combined with sadness at the finality of it.

However, because I knew it was the last it helped me to appreciate all the more the milestones since we would never go this way again. So, sadness but relish what you have.

You may feel sentimental about maternity clothes etc now but in a few years time you will be desperate to de-clutter your life from all the tat that has accumulated!

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memorylapse · 15/07/2010 10:32

Kaylo..yes I remember you ..oh how lovely to see that everything went well and your LO is here safe and well...lovely news yes I had hyeremesis, diabetes, you name it I had it!!..but you are right..the end result is definitely worth it..Olivia is doing really well..albeit still a petite dainty thing in newborn clothes at 3 months!!

Glad to hear that DH has decided not to rush into things..at the end of the day vasectomy is a permanent soloution, so at least you now have some breathing space to decide what you want in future..you may decide you dont want any more!

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Yellowflowers · 15/07/2010 10:52

Can you offer to have the implant or go on pill or something for a few years and you can talk about it then.

He shouldn't anyway at his age. Am sure you won't but what if you split up and he got a new partner who was desperate for a baby? (Am not being mean suggesting that - am sure you won't. But what if you did, then he may regret it anyway).

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CherryPie3 · 15/07/2010 17:12

LilyBolero - I think you hit the nail on the head there, pregnancy is such a special time where you can feel new life growing inside you with every kick and wriggle! I definitely miss that now that Corey is here even though I can now see that new life - iyswim? I also miss having somewhere to rest my dinnerplate or cup of coffee on .
Like you I don't have the best pregnancies either - I had SPD pretty bad and sciatica as well as blood pressure problems this time, last 2 pg's it was just SPD.

Senua - Thanks . Again I think you got the feelings all summed up - I'm thrilled that Corey's here and sad that this is the last time we will have a newborn.

memorylapse - bless her being dainty, proper little princess . Glad to hear she's doing well . Once dh and I started talking last night he was surprisingly happy not to have the vasectomy - I'm wondering if the same things had been playing on his mind? The finality of the procedure and knowing that once it's done - it's done and theres not really any going back. Thank god he changed his mind! I'm not looking forward to having the Mirena fitted but I'd much rather that than dh's surgery!!

yellowflowers you've said the same things as I have to him - we don't know what situation we'll be in 5 or 10 years from now. And because we're both quite young we do have the luxury of time on our side should we ever decide to have more children either together or with other partners if we break up (but of course we won't ever break up )

Thank goodness for MN!! It's so much easier to come on here for advice than talk to family or friends!!
Thank you ladies I'm so glad I found MN last year!!

xxx

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