At my wits end. Really need some advice with nearly 3yr old

[Squiggles86]

Hi,
I really hope I can get some advice from you all. My lo will be 3 in February, she has extremely good communication skills and showed various signs of readiness for toilet training. We started potty training in October and she was dry in the day bar nursery days ( completely didn't get it there for some reason). Anyway after 3 weeks she started having dribble accidents so I tried to remind her and encourage her to go to the toilet which seems to have had the opposite effect and cause her to have even more accidents. After 6 weeks out of nappies she was making no attempt to go to the toilet. We put her back in nappies to destress the situation and decided to try again after Xmas when my hubby was off work.

Fast forward to this week and our new attempt at training. We have tried a reward chart, big incentives like swimming and she just isn't bothered. She is deliberately wetting now so decided to ignore the 'accidents' and give praise etc when she went. This has no effect. She isn't bothered about having to change her clothes and clean up the wet carpet either. We even tried completely ignoring her for 10 mins after each accident which worked for a short time yesterday when we had the most success. Today she got out of bed with a new strategy of her own and wet every 10 minutes or so going through about 10 pairs of leggings in 2 hours.

I really don't know what to do. We know she is capable of going to the toilet but is clearly just refusing. Her behaviour is awful while going through this too and makes her an unlikable little girl.

Sorry for the essay. Would love to hear you're thoughts and advice. I phoned my hv who said they would assign this to a nursery nurse who would call in the next 2 weeks...not much help in the meantime. X

[KittyandTeal]

Stick her back in nappies, no discussion. Forget about it and try again in a few months.

My dd didn't potty train until a few months ago, she was well over 3. She is the same as your dd, understood when she was going, good communication etc but just decided that she wasn't going to use the toilet thanks! It was a bit of a control thing so we put her back in nappies and left it.

We then did the potty fairy (she is really in to fairies) and so it wasn't us she was trying to please or impress and it wasn't us nagging, it was the potty fairy (who left a letter, and another to say she was doing really well etc)

[motheroreily]

I could have written your message. My daughter was dry and then started to hold her wee in all day at nursery from 8 am Til gone 6pm!! We put her back in nappies as I was worried she'd get an infection.

Then she just refused to sit on the potty or toilet. I tried everything praise, rewards, ignoring it, going cold Turkey and putting her in knickers. Nothing worked because she refused to sit on a toilet. She was 3 years and 5 months. I asked the Health visitor and she said it sounded like I was doing all she would advise and to leave it.

Anyway I did leave it and a month later she went to nursery and when I collected her, her key worker said she'd tsken her own nappy off and worn knickers all day!

Shes not worn a nappy since then and only had about 3 accidents.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice but hope my story reassures you.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Agree with the advice to put her back in nappies for a while.

My DD was very stubborn as well. We'd been tentatively trying to train her since about 2, then really tried just before she turned 3. All to no avail, we had 6 days of absolutely zero progress, masses of laundry, & all very stressed. Back to nappies for a couple of months, then tried again. She did much better this time (although we "cracked it" in May & she still has occasional accidents, & often will not tell us until she's desperate). Not all children just get it straight away, some do just take their time & will not be rushed or pushed into it.

Lots of praise when they perform, minimal attention when they don't, & we found it helpful to make the flushing of the toilet & washing her hands, into a reward of sorts. She had her own special squirty hand soap, for example.

[Squiggles86]

Thanks for your replies. We decided to give it one more day. This morning started really well. She went to the toilet happily and told us when she needed to go, no prompting etc but my mum and dad came over for an hour and she decided that she just couldn't be bothered anymore. I've put her back in nappies for the time being as we are really not going to get anywhere until she decides she's going to use the toilet. No amount of coaxing, bribery and incentive is going to work with her!
I'm now concerned about how long it's going to be before she decides to bin the nappies. What if she's getting on for 4 years?! The nappies won't fit! X

[FelicityFixIt]

Don't be silly. Sorry but you're being ridiculous. Put straight back in nappies and see where you are in a years time.

I'm guessing you don't have older children. Trust me, your baby - and that's what he is - won't be wetting himself aged 15

[FelicityFixIt]

She not he!

Honestly, this is a 2 year old. No potty training required anyway - it's a physiological thing not psychological so you're wasting your time trying right now

[bunique]

My own experience is that if you try to train her before she is ready, you will still be washing wet knickers when she is 5. You can still give her the option of nappies or knickers each morning but leave it completely up to her. Leave the potty and knickers in an accessible place - she may just surprise you one day!

[3littlefrogs]

I agree with ust putting her back in nappies for now.

Do check that she isn't constipated/have worms/have a UTI, then just leave it for a while.

[Squiggles86]

Thank you for the advice. As in say we have put her in nappies this afternoon. I hardly think it is being silly. My daughter is 1 month off being 3 and has already demonstrated that she it's capable of using the toilet perfectly. In this situation I feel it is entirely psychological.

Thanks froglets. We have had her checked a couple of weeks ago for a uti when she started dribbling lots and going more often and it was all clear. X

[Squiggles86]

Sorry 3littlefrogs...got your username wrong

[bunique]

Make sure she's drinking plenty of water - the guidelines are quite high! Good bladder capacity helps improve awareness of needing a wee. This was really important for us as my D wasn't drinking nearly enough.

For us it was also hugely psychological, but even with that all that helped is time and patience. NICE have a document that reviews various strategies for childhood in continence and from my reading of it they all had very limited success!

[romanrainsalot]

Stick her back in nappies, give it a couple of months and try again.

She'll do it when she's ready (and not being stubborn - as 3 yo's have these delightful phases).

When its time to try again, leave the potty in plain sight for her as a constant reminder, so you don't need to keep mentioning it then and it becomes "that thing that M+D nag me about". She'll probably just do it herself.

PS - I found a video on youtube with Elmo. Something like "Elmo goes potty" its only a few minutes long, has quite a catchy little tune that Elmo and his Dad sing. I played it once a day for about a week before I even got DS to try potty. Think that helped.

[Squiggles86]

Thanks. I'll have a look at the Elmo video in the meantime.Thank you Bunique, she does drink loads of water and squash so shouldn't be a problem. She is about as stubborn and determined as they come!

[bunique]

Squash - especially Blackcurrant - can increase accidents.

[Jayne266]

I got DS trained at 2yrs old, I thought it was the normal age but looking at the other posts maybe I was a bit keen. I started with a few days of letting him run round the house naked with with a potty on the floor. When he went in the potty we made praise and didn't react if he had a accident. I also made a mental note of when and what made him need the toilet. After a couple of days or if I had to go out I would put waterproof pants on him (bought them off ebay). I would place him on the potty when I thought he needed to go. After 10 days ish he never had accidents unless he was ill or had a regression. If he had a regression phase we used stickers etc at that point. The only thing I can say is its definitely a good idea to do it when you can focus on it better (like having a few days off) and make sure your routine and the nursery is the same to add no confusion. Also my Ds liked the book from the library about the teddy bear using the potty. Good luck xxx

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I bribed dd with chocolate buttons! I know it's not the sort of thing one is advised to do, but it did work!
Anyway, I feel your pain - I have a rather stubborn dd too - good luck!

[RNBrie]

When mine had a massive regression (arrival of dc2) we used smarties. Two smarties for going without prompting and one smartie for going if we asked her too. She was dry again in a couple of weeks. I think rewards like swimming are too remote from the issue to be effective, has to be a here and now reward to work. But I agree that it's better to go back to nappies and wait a bit if everyone is stressed by the whole thing.