Scared of potty and refuses to wear knickers!

[EmmasMumHelen]

Where do I start?
My DD is 3.6 and will not even consider using a potty. We've encouraged/gently tried to persuade her for about 2 years now leaving potties around, explaining, books, all the stuff everyone tries and suggests but nothing. She's sat every one of her toys on the toilet training seat and, at her insistence, she accompanies me to the loo.
When she was 2.6 we moved house - bad timing but necessary - so we didn't try too hard with her then but continued to gently mention it was time to be using the potty.
She wore knickers for a day just after she turned three but told me when she was weeing rather than when she needed to (i.e too late!) so again we decided she wasn't ready and continued with the encouragement. In the meantime, she developed a mounting fear of potties/toilets and began shouting 'NO' every time we mentioned it. A couple of months ago I slowly and with bribes of stickers and small chocolates got her to sit on the potty; first fully clothed then by the second week she was putting on her knickers and pulling them down sitting on the potty, pulling them up etc. She was still in nappies permanently but when she was 'practicing' she would go without for a while and say she wanted one putting on when she needed a wee. I was thrilled to get this far and she seemed really excited by my response.
However, one morning after a particularly good, long session the evening before of her 'practicing' she totally refused to do any more and lost all interest. Tempers have mounted ever since and by last weekend I told her there were no more nappies and she'd have to wear her knickers and use the potty. I'd warned her for weeks beforehand and she said she understood but when I tried to put knickers on her she screamed and clung on to me crying. I had to give in and put her back in nappies as her distress was terrible (so was mine!).
The most frustrating thing is that I know she can control her bladder because as soon as I put a nappy on her she wee's!!!
She's not daft, has no other problems, has been to the toilet with her cousin of the same age, goes to nursery a couple of days a week....does it all! She tells me she's scared of the potty and doesn't want to be like other children, that she wants to be a baby. Bribes no longer work.
What on earth do I do?

[teaandcakeplease]

I bought my DD a scooter for big girls and said as soon as she started to poo on the potty/ toilet it would be her reward for being such a big girl. She complied very quickly.

If she went backwards and started to refuse again, I'd say I'm sorry that was a gift for being a big girl and until you start weeing/ pooing on the potty/ toilet again you cannot go out on it.

It is shocking to write it down but it worked. My friends bought their DC a DVD instead that they really wanted and removed that if they back tracked.

This sounds terrible doesn't it? However we all potty trained ours at the same time at 2.10 yrs and it worked.

I still have to make sure she goes to the loo every hour or there can be an accident but most of the time it is going well now.

I also bought one of these, she loves it and feels very secure and safe on the loo.

I think my way is extreme and if rewards and start charts can work then great.

No doubt another mumsnetter will be along with some tips for you soon x

[EmmasMumHelen]

Thanks for your message teaandcakeplease. And for the record, I don't think your methods are extreme as they've obviously worked and with minimal distress!
Regarding a 'big girl' gift, I've already bought her a DVD and a t-shirt of her favourite character. These are both placed on her shelf in her bedroom ready for her when she can do her wee's/poo's on the potty but she just won't even try even though she knows she can have them as soon as she does!
Thanks also for the link. It's a great idea but the toilet seems to be even more terrifying for her!

[teaandcakeplease]

Oh my word, you poor thing. Hopefully some other mumsnetter will have a plan. Bump your message tonight again if no more responses?

[zam72]

Not sure this is relevant, but anyway - my DS1 was pt from around 2 3/4 yo for pees but would not poo on the potty at all. No amount of bribery, encouragement, talking/reading, etc worked for the next 9-12 months. He seemed a little scared/not bothered/liked his nappies - altho' had absolute control of his bowels. Eventually what worked was my Mum coming to stay and she just played daft and said 'you know, how do you do a poo? Can you show me? Cos you know what, I've forgotten and just don't know what to do? Can you help?' - and he did it and did it ever since.

Not sure now if he was scared or just wanted to be in control of it rather than be cajoled into it. Sometimes someone else who's not so closely involved can help - more neutral, especially if its getting into frayed tempers (understandable...BTDT, but probably would cause my DS to dig his heels in deeper).

If its a control thing, maybe give her some control about things (probably you've tried) but get her to choose the underwear she likes, or a new all singing/dancing potty.

Could you maybe not make it an issue by just in the morning taking her nappy off (let the air in) and then just not put anything on for a bit - just act like you forgot/too busy to get dressed. Or just put some skirt on with no underwear - in case putting on the underwear is sort of a bone of contention at all. If she asks, maybe put the nappy on, but just keep forgetting next time you change her. And she might start getting used to the idea.

Or peer pressure - how does she feel seeing other kids using the potty? My DS didn't give two hoots what other kids did...but might work for your DD!

But as my Mum always says...they won't be in nappies at college so you'll be alright in the end!!! Hard now though, I know!

[EmmasMumHelen]

Thanks for the advice - quite like the idea of getting Grandma involved. Could be helpful.
She's on her third packet of underwear which she has chosen herself but, after a great start with them, she now refuses to put them on. Last attempt ended in me getting a kicking and her bursting into tears!
I've tried leaving her nappy off but she hates the feeling of being without one; she won't leave her bedroom and gets really agitated. She's never wee'd without one on though - frustrating!!
We've tried sending her to the loo with her cousin of the same age and she sees the other kids at nursery. Still nothing. Maybe a musical potty could help but these things add up financially don't they?
Health visitor is coming soon.......!