Post natal depression is making me feel like I'm a bad mum!!!

[Mummy23beauties]

So never thought I'd be writing on one of these threads but feel I'm now at breaking point and have no choice! I'm a mum to three absolutely gorgeous children and I love each and everyone of them to bits. I'm also married to their brilliant daddy. So there's my background. My youngest child is 5 months and I feel so ashamed to admit it but I think I'm suffering with post natal depression. I think I became depressed during pregnancy and it seems to have only got worse. I never had PND with my other two so can't understand why I have it now! It's really hard for me to think I may have it and I almost feel as though I'm failing as mother. I always think the one thing people can't take away from me is that I'm a good mum so if that's the case then why am I struggling with everyday simple tasks. I don't struggle with bonds between myself and my children that's so strong. It's how I'm bringing them up I struggle.. I have no energy lately and I'm forgetful about everything and it's so frustrating. I haven't eaten a proper meal myself for a long time I simply live of snack foods and takeaways as I don't have the energy or appetite for a proper home cooked meal. My husband prepares tea for my children and himself every night so they don't go without but I forget to give them lunch regularly. My children don't go without food so they are far from starved but they live of snack foods and graze all day if there not at school. I've became so snappy at my children and husband that they probably feel like there on edge with me all the time. Fortunately my snapping hasn't really bothered my kids but I know it will if it continues. I threaten my husband Regularly that I want a divorce and I don't even know anymore if it's cus I'm in a unhappy marriage or because I'm just so depresses. I am very impulsive and wreckless lately too getting tattoos and just spending money on my credit card that I can't afford to spend. Nobody in my life would even realise I'm depressed as I'm such a happy person and laid back. My closest family, friends and even my husband have no idea how I'm feeling! I feel like an imposter to myself putting on a front everyday! My house has become so messy where I'm so drained and just can't find energy to clean which is also getting me down as my house is usually spotless! My own personal hygiene is suffering and I literally cry everytime I'm alone. Sorry to bore u with such a long thread but this is my first time speaking out. It would be nice to hear from people who've been through this and got back to their old self cus right now I feel the old me has disappeared

[hungrywalrus]

Depression can hit anyone so don't be ashamed. You have a huge amount on your plate and are simply worn out. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a way to break people. Is there any way you can get someone to help out? Just an afternoon for starters to spend time sleeping, eating and talking to an old friend? Food can have a huge impact on your mood so try and get one decent meal a day in. Don't say to yourself that you'll eat once you've done x, y and z. Food cannot be compromised on.

Not sure if I've helped. Depression is a horrible thing but it can go away. I am sure if someone you loved were going through this you'd be kinder to them than you are currently being to yourself. You are the number one person in your kids' lives and I'm sure you're a good mum.

[Mumof3beauts]

I literally burst into tears when I read your post! How similar we are feeling is unreal, and I completely understand where you are coming from. I too have 3 gorgeous little ones, who to be fair are little angels...except my youngest who we joke is the devil child, the cheeky one who I swear goes around purposely destroying everything in sight... but hes not long turned 1 so hes got an excuse- not that it makes it any easier, its hard because on my good days I can deal with the everyday pressures thrown at us Mums so easily, on my bad days I feel like I'm being suffocated and nowhere to turn and have even thought if I didnt love my children I'd be packing my bags and outta here! -which isnt me as the stories I hear of Mums walking out on their children/partners disgust me, but on my down days I really can relate!! Not that I would mind you, they are my life and i couldnt go a day without them... okay right now maybe a day 😂 hahaaa!
Ive been an absolute nightmare lately, always snapping at everyone but I cant stop feeling these horrible feelings, or having these horrible thoughts. Im either thinking that they deserve better than me or im not good enough, or thinking no they dont deserve me! Doing everything for them, being a skivvy and going without so my partner and kids can have everything and them not appreciating me for it...then feeling absolutely stupid for having any of the thoughts and what the heck is wrong with me!!! To get any help around here is just impossible, its become a routine of me having to kick off to get any help whatsoever, theyre that bone idle plates are just left on tables, dirty clothes on the bottom of the bed or bedroom floor (mostly my partner) the list could go on.... and im just expected to run around absolutely shattered picking up after everyone! Not only that I also recently been diagnosed with twisted/tilted pelvis as i have been in absolute agony and on maximum dosage of tramadol for the last year and working evenings (until recently) but that doesnt matter...i just feel so bitter and so low, i want to escape but I cant, and have no idea how to sort this out. Message me if you want. Im new to here as I too never ever thought Id message on a forum but feel like Partner doesnt understand:/

[Mumof3beauts]

Also thought it was crazy weve chosen the same usernames! Hope your ok xx