Pls help me to see the light...

(9 Posts)
specialsubject Wed 08-Jan-14 17:21:43

move on, just learn from mistakes but don't beat yourself up.

sounds like you need more in your life, not enough to think about. Job? Hobbies? Charity work?

springysofa Tue 07-Jan-14 21:05:51

Sorry about double posting - I was also very cruel to a man when I was in my early 20s. I can't believe how cruel I was (so I was cruel twice!). As the years went by, it bothered me so much. Many years later I eventually found out where he lived, knocked on the door, and said on the doorstep that I was so sorry for my cruelty. He wasn't interested (turns out he was currently going through a crisis) but I do hope that will have lodged somewhere for him.

(It could be argued that I did that for my benefit - maybe that's true and maybe it wasn't a help to him, I don't know... but I would welcome an apology from people who have been cruel to me in the past.)

If you could speak to him, what would you say?

springysofa Tue 07-Jan-14 20:53:30

It sounds to me that this is unfinished business. You left him but didn't tell him the truth about why you left him - and now you can't forgive yourself for how you did it.

Take this a few steps at a time - first, forgive yourself for being cruel. You were young. Look at 17 year olds and see how young they are, imagine them doing and saying what you did and said. Does that make it easier to forgive your young self? Send love, compassion and forgiveness to your young self - she needs it, she's hurting very badly. You know how to love her, so love her and accept her for her mistakes.

Then perhaps look at how you may currently think you took the wrong path. Once your life has flowed a certain way, that's it, the past is gone. Try to accept the path you took.

You say that he didn't date the woman he married - perhaps you feel he has not been fulfilled and is not leading a happy life? Perhaps your terrible guilt is all mixed up with feeling he didn't get a good chance at love. You may be surprised, he may be happy with his life.

I wonder if this obsession is a jumbled up version of your guilt (or her guilt, that young 17 year old girl). You also say you got together when your lovely dad was diagnosed with cancer and perhaps this is all jumbled up together. Did you get the chance to grieve your dad properly?

btw I can relate to this: I was very cruel to someone when I was 17 and he went on to have a breakdown. For years and years I tortured myself about it. I bumped into him and gushed that I was so, so sorry - he could barely remember it and said please, don't worry, it wasn't your fault. I now realise, with my adult head on, that the breakdown was about a lot of different things.

JesuslovesmethisIknow Thu 02-Jan-14 00:37:57

but you must forgive yourself. you were only young sad

and you wouldn't have your daughters if you had walked the other road.....

I have to remember that when I look back too BUT I wouldn't trade my DC'S for the old flame. I couldn't.

There IS no going back but I know it hurts. HUGS.

PhdCopy Thu 02-Jan-14 00:36:03

Jesuslovesmethatiknow.
Yes, you are right too. I have to find peace and forgive myself for treating him on the end in a bad way. I was naive and stupid, my choice of words was very uneducated and insulting. He didnt deserve that. I saw pain in his eyes.... I will never forget ..sad

PhdCopy Thu 02-Jan-14 00:32:21

Hi zulubump
Your words are incredible and on spot. You are correct and what makes me sad - I know that everything you have said its correct.
I love and adore my two DD's and my DH. Just I guess I had really difficult life , lots of struggles and ups and downs. Came to UK when I was not even 19, myself with no knowledge of anyone or anything. Knew which UNI I am going and where I am staying. It was not easy but it was my choice.
I guess Memories of him it's almost like my comforter. You know when babies and toddlers have small toy that it's always with them for comfor , that's how I think see him.
But my heart skips a beat when I think of him. When we started dating my dad was just diagnosed with cancer. He was my rock, my world , my best friend. So kind, funny and really really good guy. What pains me is he wanted to take things further but I got scared. Thought I was too young and basically turned my back at him.
I never told him I didn't want to spend rest of my life with him, i was just too young...sad
You are right , he is very responsible man, I am sure he is very good husband and father ... And I can't stop thinking what if I let love of my life slip through my fingers???
What if???
I just need to take everything out and for someone to answer me back. Can't talk to no one else in rl cause I don't want to cause pain to anyone...

JesuslovesmethisIknow Thu 02-Jan-14 00:30:24

I felt like this regarding my first love. I thought it would never leave me but it has. It was overpowering until I looked at what happened at that time and forgave myself, and him.

Can you forgive yourself for being harsh to him? You must try.

zulubump Wed 01-Jan-14 22:06:52

Hi Phd, I really want to say something to help. I think that marriage and raising kids is hard work and often not very exciting or full of the kind of passion you have for a boyfriend when you are 17! And I'm sure you are not the only married woman who has secret fantasies. It sounds as though you feel like this fantasising is getting too obsessive and unhealthy though. I guess if you were ever to meet your old boyfriend again he would be a very different person now - married with children and responsibilities, just as you are. The kind of relationship you had when you were younger just wouldn't be possible now. And you would both know that in having a real-life affair you'd be hurting your other halves and your children.

Pray to God to open your eyes to what you have been blessed with - your dds and your dh. Treasure the people you have in your life rather than living in the past. I think it is OK to think of your old boyfriend from time to time and to enjoy the memories, but to remind yourself that that's all they are - memories. Not something that could ever be recreated. And maybe don't beat yourself up so much about it. You haven't been unfaithful to your dh. Ask God to work with you in gradually thinking less about this guy and focussing more on your marriage and don't expect to be able to change this habit overnight, just bit by bit. Really hope that helps.

PhdCopy Wed 01-Jan-14 16:08:06

My life story...sad . I am thankful to Almighty for leading me safely throug very challenging times of my life. I am grateful for two beautiful angels I have(DD's) and DH. But something is bothering me a lot...
I had a boyfriend (1 yr dating) when I was 17. I was madly in love and he was everything you could wish for..... Smart, kind , good , hardworking... But as always happens, I got scarred of big commitment and I left him. I left him with such a harsh words sad . He was 7 yrs older and my DM knew him and his family( small place).
Soon after I came here to UK and shortly after that I met my dh , got married and I have two DD's.
The thing is , I can't take him out of my mind. He is in my heart and my mind. I torture myself thinking of him. I pray before I go to sleep that I dream about him..sad .
It's bad, it's realy bad. He is married and have two kids. Not being bad, but he never dated her , he was seing her for few weeks and purposly or not , she got pregnant and he married her. I heard from my BF that he was saying that he didn't want to marry but custom back home ( Croatia) basically you have to marry. Now not so much but 15 yrs ago it's a norm. Stupid I know but thats how it is..sad
Even last night , when the bell rang midnight my heart flew to him.. I feel as if I am cheating dh. Can't stop myself. I need strength to burry this feelings and memories of him. He is my secret but it's becoming too heavy on my heart. I love him and lust him so much..
Pls tell me how to let it go? How to forget him and not want him? I pray everyday for dear Almighy lead me in a right path but I can't stop myself.
I didn't see him since I a was 18 and i am now mid 30is.
Please, don't judge me. It's something stronger than me... Thank you

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