anger

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Not sure what I want to say here really. Maybe just to start a conversation about anger

I feel that my anger is getting out of control. I get angry every day, at stupid things and fly into rages very often. I feel like I've completely lost my sense of humour and things I would've found funny in the past now make me furious. I shout and scream at my partner and feel hatred towards him, even though I know deep down I love him dearly.

I know I have underlying issues from the past but I don't know how to deal with them. I've started reading anger management for dummies, but I'm so exhausted all the time I can't concentrate on the words.

How often do you feel angry? Does anyone have any tips, advice, stories they want to share?

[IndigoBarbie]

Hiya, I'd like to offer you what might seem like an alternative view on the anger. I work with energies in peoples bodies and auric fields, and I help to teach them how to 'shield' themselves.

Can you identify if there is something that is making you angry, and you know what this anger is? Is it a lack of control around the way someone else is behaving towards you, or could it be stemming from a situation that you feel you have no control over?

In my experience, if we have been under a lot of stress or feeling very much emotional - this can lessen our 'defence' and leaves us open to picking up the energies around us, which can then sometimes lead to ill health or stress symptoms etc. OK, it might sound a bit strange, but as an energy sensitive I have had to learn what this is all about to learn how to keep myself 'clear headed' and not to be over run by others emotions.

I find that in some ways I am particularly sensitive to very noisy environments, and this leads me to feeling frazzled, tired, and sometimes angry and off balanced. I do energy work in others and actually remove old energies from their body and auric field, and see the pain lessen, or the anxiety just be removed from them, it's very rewarding, but it also means many of us are running around and don't realise what we are taking on into our own energies.

Every single thought you have or thoughts that others have create an energy 'thread' and these attach onto us. Yes, it sounds bizarre but I can literally see these in people.

For example, as a very quick method to release those energies which don't serve you - say into your mind, with your intention of releasing all energetic cords or attachments which do not serve you, and which do not belong to you. Then work to create a light-filled-field around your whole body, thus creating a shield. Do this every time you feel like you have to until you can see a difference in your anger/responses etc.

I am certain you will find a difference. Then you can maintain your field every day instead of perhaps every few hours. Your own energy levels will increase and any tiredness you have will also lessen.

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

It sounds as if you need some counselling help which will start to look at those underlying issues you talk about but this is a rubbish time of year to be trying to organise that. So with Christmas fast approaching then it is a case of keeping it together with all the stresses that are around. That isn't easy. Can you tell when you are getting wound up and about to blow because that is the point to divert yourself with whatever diversion works? Once you have hit boiling point not much is going to stop you - I know this from working in the service industry when people flew into a rage when I said 'good morning' and nothing I could say or do was going to have any effect until they had calmed down a bit. Counting to ten or doing a bit of mental maths or walking away or making a cup of tea or doing a bit of gardening might work for you in averting the full blown anger blow out.

[ILoveAFullFridge]

I have had CBT (for depression), and am on HRT (for the obvious). Both have helped enormously with my rages. So I would say go talk to your GP and ask for help.

Something I have learned or discovered is the link between physical sensation and emotion. There is an adrenaline rush with intense emotion, so if you feel the rush you may interpret it as the wrong emotion, depending on what associations you have formed in your mind. Eg getting overwhelmed by a noisy, crowded environment -> losing your temper because you think you are angry, rather than -> going for a cup of tea because you recognise the stress level has got too high.

Two strategies that help me day-to-day:

1. writing everything down when I feel things getting on top of me, or the beginnings of an adrenaline rush. Literally everything, event, trigger, emotion, sensation, what I want to do, what I actually do. Just a stream-of-consciousness outpouring. I try also to remember to do this when I feel, think or do something positive.
   
   
2. rebreathing into a paper bag. This helps with the physical symptoms, as I often hyperventilate when trying to control myself. When I rebreathe it is as if a switch has been flicked, and it becomes blindingly obvious that it was not my head that needed to calm down, but my body. The rage just disappears, leaving behind recognition that there is something I need to deal with - imay still be cross, but that's ok.
   
   HTH.

[pictish]

Do you scream and shout at other people or just your partner?

[AngelinaCongleton]

I looked up anger management courses and a few of them recommend the same book to work through on the course. If I can find it I will link. Another thing that has had a transformational impact on me is getting more sleep. Seriously. Try it. I was getting maybe 4-6 hours sleep and now (trying) for 8/9. It seems so simple but my anger has quartered. Just need to work on that now but feel more in control.

[AngelinaCongleton]

Just saw your user name...

[headinhands]

Hi op. I think your first port I call is definitely your GP. Go and see them, you might even get in tomorrow and show them this post and they'll take it from there.

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Thanks all for replying. All helpful comments and food for thought.

just woke up from horrible dream. Myself and my mum killed a small girl in a hotel room and left her there for years. I was the replacement girl for my mum. Years later we returned to the room where the corpse was lying there decomposed and stinking. I could actually smell death in my dream. I woke up and now feel terrified. Also feel a bit like I must have major issues to have dreamed something so horrendous.

I haven't spoken to gp but will consider. I have issues with men in general, my father was a massive twat who was in and out of my life, he had a violent temper. I was brought up in the main by my mum who is a sweet and good woman who would do anything for me. However I was brought up with her mantra "all men are bastards"

I've always been firey especially with opposite sex and yes any lack of sleep effects my mood terribly. But lately I'm feeling it more intensely. It's starting to really effect my relationship. He can't speak without me exploding. He is a sweet man who never loses his cool and doesn't like arguing, but that lately is driving me nuts.

We have been together 15 years and have a 1 year old boy. My boy is the light of y life and is a constant reminder that I can feel intense joy and happiness. So I know I'm capable of being happy, Just need to get past this anger I'm clinging onto.

Anyway, best try and get back to sleep or there's bound to be trouble tomorrow! We're going to the in laws for Christmas, gulp.

[ILoveAFullFridge]

Oh what a horrible dream! Please don't feel bad for having a nightmare. ((((hugs))))

Any chance of napping when he naps? Your exhaustion is as much of a priority - even more of one! - as any chores that may need to be done.

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

A horrible dream and it does sound as if you need more sleep. If you are off to the inlaws then perhaps you can take yourself off to bed for a couple of hours when you get there. Blame a migraine if you need an excuse.

Someone who does dream analysis once told me that that everything in the dream is ourselves. Now I don't know how much credence to give this but your dream could be about needing to attend to your inner child. You could be telling yourself to look after yourself which is pretty sensible really. So do be kind to yourself, get some sleep and get to your GP as soon as you can.

[Namechanger2012]

OP I have the same problem. My DH has said recently that he feels like he always has to walk on egg shells. Sometimes I am terrified that I'm turning into a domestic abuser. I know that this isn't really me, it's my (awful) behaviour rather than my personality, but it's an awful way to be regardless and I really hate myself for it. Whenever I am stressed or upset or physically hurt (not seriously-like if I bang into something) I am instantly furious. As soon as I've calmed down (no more than 2 or 3 mins usually) I am mortified and so upset to have shouted and screamed like a monster.

I don't know how to stop it. I have always been a bit fiery in a way-love an intellectual argument!-but it's the last year or so that these rages just seem to explode out of nowhere. They are usually over ridiculous things like being a bit lost or not being able to find something and somehow in the moment they feel like insurmountable obstacles that are just the end of the world.

One of the reasons I worry it's abuse is that I never do it in front of anyone except DH. It's not actually anything to do with him if you see what I mean-I'm not angry with him, just angry-but it's a classic abusive sign isn't it that people can control themselves in front of other people/in public but don't/can't in front of their partner? This terrifies me. I love DH so much. I think the reason I do it in front of him is that I know (hope?) he'll still love me. Pretty shit reason. But it's not conscious. I just don't get that anger rising (and it's almost instant) when other people are there. What the hell is that about? It's not him making me angry so I just don't understand.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that it's dreadful and I hate myself for doing it. Not much help to you OP, but you're not alone.

[Kniseknase]

Marking my place as I am feeling very similar to you OP. I have been thinking of starting a thread like this and am very happy that you did . Some good advice here already.

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Namechanger you sound just like me. I hate myself after I've had a rage, and feel pathetic when I apologise after. But I fly into these rages and can't seem to stop them even when I make a conscious effort. I honestly feel like I hate my partner sometimes and the rage in the pit of my stomach physically hurts. I say the most hateful things.

It's helped me just by writing on here and the replies I've had have made me feel miles better so thank you. If anyone has any practical advice on how to stop the rage before it explodes, I'd be happy to hear it.

I was thinking about the dream, I do believe dreams have meanings, maybe the girl we killed is symbolic of me wanting to kill off the angry part of me.

I just want to be happy, and I have all the ingredients to be so, so why do I have this self destruct button? I anger myself!

Ps I only get angry at my partner

[ItisEyeLeScrooge]

Recognising a problem and wanting to change is the first step towards resolving the problem. Please do go to your GP.

As a PP pointed out, lack of sleep can have a dreadful effect on your mood and self-control. I imagine that, with a 1yo, sleep has been in short supply! Drink plenty of water to keep yourself well-hydrated (it has an effect on my mood) and try to get as much sleep as you need.

If you feel yourself loosing it, try rebreathing into a paper bag. You need to hold the bag over your mouth and nose and breathe in and out very slowly - count of 8 in, count of 8 out. Takes, I'd guess, 2-5 minutes to start taking effect. If you feel an effect then it's worth continuing for another few m

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Hello everyone

the past few weeks have been really good in regards to my anger, I took a lot of what you all said on board and have found rereading the thread very helpful. I've been able to control my anger better and have felt proud of myself

This morning was a bloody nightmare though. My 15 month old woke me up at 4, he let out a cry but went back to sleep. I sleep in his room as my OH snores and I'm such a light sleeper it's impossible to sleep in the same room. But at 5 this morning I was tossing and turning and woke my son up at 5. I settled him and had to go in to my oh bed. Obviously didn't sleep with his snoring and by 7am when son woke I was in a silent rage. Cue huge argument, with me screaming at him, in front of my son. I just couldn't control myself. I stormed out of the room to try and calm down and heard a thump then wailing, my boy fell off the bed. I've been inconsolable since. My boy is fine, after the initial shock he calmed down and has been climbing around and laughing as per usual. But I feel awful, what a disgusting thing to do, argue and shout in front of an innocent toddler and then leave him in danger. My oh was there by the bed with my son so I didn't leave him on his own but I am to blame none the less as oh was getting ready for work. I just feel so down and such a failure.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, go see your doctor. Call your GP now.

[IndigoBarbie]

OP can you update us on how you are? Have you seen your GP yet?

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Hello I haven't been to gp yet. We had a death in the family and I have had people come to stay from overseas. There hasnt been time or opportunity. Although maybe I'm using that as an excuse for just being scared and anxious about talking about it. Something is stopping me from biting the bullet and getting the help I need. I feel so ashamed of myself. Since my last outburst I have been okay. I've nearly finishdd my anger management book which I found helpful. But I dont know how to make myself go to the doctor. I seem to be doing my old trick of " ignore it and it will go away"

I go back to work on Tuesday. I always find that working inspires me to get my personal life in order so I plan to call the gp then. I just hope I dont chicken out.

[HoneyandRum]

Hormones can also affect your emotions intensely and obviously lack of sleep can make you extremely irritable with a feeling of "no reserves" or stamina to control your mood. I just confirm what everyone has already said - get to your GP ASAP. If you can, write down what has been happening when and how frequently. Please don't continue feeling shame and guilt when there could be physiological reasons why you are not managing your moods and anger well at present.

There could be some underlying depression which is preventing you from being motivated enough to make an appointment. What about asking a close friend or family member to do it for you? You don't need to tell them why you want to go. Post-Natal Depression can also kick in late. I had a friend who was diagnosed when her dc was a year old. Mood instability is a big symptom.

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

I called my doctor today! Sounds pathetic but it actually feels like an achievement. I'm no longer running away from the problem and I'm on the right track. Closest appointment isn't until 27th Jan though which isn't for another 2 weeks.

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

Just wanted to let you all know that each and every one of your posts have been helpful for me and I want to thank you for taking the time to reply. I have re read the thread countless times and its been a practical help to me on a day to day basis. So thank you xx

[HoneyandRum]

Sounds great couldsleepforahundredyears! We can let ourselves slip to the bottom of the priority list until we implode. Take each day at a time and when you find anger rising within you try and take a step back and think if there was anything that triggered the emotion in anyway. Take a note of your mood during the day. Do you wake up feeling worse or better than you did when you went to bed? Is there anything that helps or improves your mood? Take a note of how much sleep you get. Routine can help mood disorders, see if you can go to bed and get up around the same time each day and eat around the same times each day. Also make sure you get outside in natural light each day as your brain needs natural light to regulate.

And it is definitely an achievement to take care of yourself.

My dd had a big problem with anger last year and we talked about various ideas and techniques to prevent her losing it. I just asked what she thinks about to help her control her anger now. She said when she feels angry towards someone she tries to remember when they have been kind to her or had fun together to rebalance herself.

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture device don't forget, it's hard to keep it together when you never feel well rested.

[HerGraciousMaj5316LovesAFullFr]

Well done, couldsleep. Don't knock yourself - it is an achievement.

Keep a note of things that happen until the appointment. Over the next two weeks it is likely that you will have moments when you regret making the appt, and having a written record of incidents that upset you will help you keep your resolve to address the issues. Also make notes of things that have happened before now.

Sometimes it can be difficult to speak up at the first appointment. Referring to your own notes can help, and if you find yourself completely tongue-tied you can just hand the notes to the doctor.

[IndigoBarbie]

I am so glad to hear this. Thinking of you, and if anyone can help - mumsnet is a superb support network. Let us know how it goes xx

[curiousuze]

Hope the appointment goes well for you. If it helps, it seems that you CAN control your anger, because you don't go round screaming and shouting at everyone. Just your partner. So that is hopeful at least?