I know some will suggest I post on mental health section, but I want some wider perspectives. I do go to a Pentecostal church but am not a very good example of a Christian and have done plenty that I regret. I have tried talking to god and a couple of others at church, but I feel like I can't let go of the feeling that I am bad, cannot be forgiven. In the last three days, my moods have been more erratic and I keep getting flashes of a thought of a demons face...a bit like in Donne Draco. For a few months I have not been able to shake the feeling that I am not worthy of god and will go to hell. My indiscretions are all tied up in the context of some recent unhappy times, but looking back I wish I had conducted myself with more grace and patience. Other people think I am a great mum, lovely person, but when I am alone, I hate my own company. I keep having a line from a song going round my head " it's hard to dance with the devil on your back". That's where I feel he is!
Hey I cant quote the bible to you although I do try to live a christian life.
But very very simply, as I see it, God gave his one and only son so that we may be forgiven for our sins.. All that we need to do is repent.
I dont go to church or anything and I know I have sinned many many times and I probably will continue to do so. I have also had two very unpleasant experiences, one extremely so, but I believe with all my heart that God is love and if we choose to seek him he is there for us.
Please try to focus on a loving, kind and forgiving God if that helps you.
I have suffered from anxiety myself and I avoid anything to do with horror, gore, and evil. I think watching/reading/dwelling on anything negative attracts that negativity. Bless you and be kind to yourself.
What you do is secondary imo - it is what you are that is important with God.
re we are born wanting to run our own lives. This is, technically, the definition of sin. We are born having no intention of putting God first. We have every intention of putting ourselves first. It is a very powerful pull to put ourselves first.
So this is what we are . Out of that stance we can do any number of things, 'good' and 'bad'. What we do is largely irrelevant to God, it's what we are - re we can choose to admit that we have no intention of putting God first; and ask him to make us what he wants us to be ie living through and from him. We can't do it ourselves, all we can do is to want it, to want to put God first. The pull to put ourselves first is too powerful, only he can make that change in us.
He can - and does - change who we are, because of what Jesus did. If Jesus hadn't done that, we wouldn't be able to have a relationship with God because of who we are. It is pointless to look at individual 'sins' because they are ten a penny, on and on - it's not as if God isn't totally familiar with all that human beings do. he knows all that, and has made a way to move forward.
Imagine if your child did something wrong. They said sorry, you forgave them; all over. Then they came back and said 'mum, I'm just so sorry' and you said 'that's forgotten! You do't need to go on about it, it's over, I've completely forgiven you!' And then your child comes back again and says 'oh mum, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that thing'. You're getting sad because it's all done and dusted, over, and it is spoiling your relationship to keep going on about it.
So let whatever you did go. It's spoiling your lovely time with God. He's forgotten it. YOu are totally forgiven and always will be, regardless what you do. Just give yourself to him, the whole thing, and let him do whatever he does. He's the one who does the doing, not us. He can be trusted, you can trust him to do the good and best thing.
As for demons:
He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code, with its regulations [what you do ], that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross (Colossians 2:13-15)
it's done and dusted. He is stupidly more powerful than any 'power or authority', so don't worry, you can trust him. He won't leave you, or expect you to do something (that would be just cruel). He's the one who does, and has done, the doing.