Mindful way thro marital problems or give up???

(11 Posts)
Salbertina Mon 22-Apr-13 08:50:11

Marriage in greater trouble again, never been that good to be frank but have dc and both feel committed to providing family for them.

Have turned increasingly to mindfulness and Buddhism and am wondering how to approach our difficulties in this context. In the traditional sense, am really not sure i "love" dh and don't find him that attractive but how much does this matter? He is a good tho v stubborn man, we have v different interests and ways of thinking but quite similar values.

He has also been my rock through difficult times confronting and dealing with my emotionally abusive childhood and still difficult relationships with dm and my sibling.

Help???

Salbertina Mon 22-Apr-13 09:43:03

Bump

stressedHEmum Mon 22-Apr-13 10:24:45

Oh, Salbertina,sad. I don't know much about Buddhism or mindfulness, but I do know what it's like to have a troubled marriage.

All I can think of is looking for the positives and concentrating on them. Can you find something that you and DH might both enjoy and try to do it together. I know how difficult that is with a young family, though.

it's very difficult being married to someone who has a different outlook on life to you. I know, my husband is completely opposed to all and every religion and church and never misses an opportunity to rant about it. Only you can know if you can life like that. I suppose a lot of it depends on whether his views and opinions oppose yours or undermine them or not.

I'm sorry. I'm not any help, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I will say a wee prayer for guidance and strength for you in this.

Salbertina Mon 22-Apr-13 10:38:17

Thank you, Stressed! Appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers.. Yes, we need to work on this, spend time together etc. but going mad wondering whether it is irretrievable..or not? Why to stay other than kids (plus habit, security and fear!)

Sorry to hear you've been in a similar position, rather lonely and relentless, isn't it?

Salbertina Mon 22-Apr-13 11:13:48

I suppose, on reflection, I'm struggling to know whether to continue plugging on, looking for positives (which i agree is important) or whether to think neither of you is happy, there's little affection and no depth of love so be brave and make a decision hmm

MostlyLovingLurchers Mon 22-Apr-13 15:39:42

Buddhism doesn't really have much to say about marriage and its difficulties, as it seen as a social institution rather than a religious one. It allows you the freedom to come to the right decision for you and your family without worrying about any spiritual rights or wrongs.

The Five Precepts can be interpreted as follows in relation to marriage (i've pinched this bit from elsewhere):

^Refrain from destroying or harming living creatures - A partner's actions should never lead to harm of any kind including emotional suffering. Every action with regard to a partner should be based on the teaching of respect and love.

Refrain from taking that which is not given - In the context of marriage, this precept expresses the need to maintain an equal and respectful relationship and to share the duties and responsibilities of married life and family.

Refrain from sexual misconduct - One should be faithful to one's spouse and not participate in adulterous relationships. Respectful attention to the sexual needs and desires of one's spouse is an important part of refraining from misconduct.

Refrain from false speech - Marriage should be based in truthfulness. An essential component of this precept is to create and maintain an open channel of communication between spouses.

Refrain from intoxicating drugs or drink which cloud the mind - As a clear mind is important in living one's life, so too are clear headedness and clear thinking essential components in married life.^

If you have done all of the above and are still unhappy, then separation would be preferable to staying in a miserable relationship for a long period of time. There is nothing to compel you to stay in an unhappy relationship. That said, only you and your dh can know if your hearts are really in it. If they are then maybe mindfulness can help you be more compassionate towards each other and more tolerant of each other's faults. If not then the compassionate thing may be to separate rather than continue in unhappiness. I think the most important aspect of the Precepts for you right now is communication - you need to be truthful with each other about how you are feeling, and see if you can come to a resolution together if at all possible. Sorry you are in such an unhappy place at the moment.

Salbertina Mon 22-Apr-13 20:51:16

Thanks, MLL for taking the time to write, appreciate the support and info. Yes, compassion... Don't know what to think any more, my moral
compass gone askew. Realise yrs overseas as dependent spouse not been healthy for either of us - i feel disempowered and so unable to call upon -let alone trust-my own judgement.

I shall digest your post though and ponder further.

crescentmoon Tue 23-Apr-13 07:54:54

It's difficult when your a trailing spouse as you have to rely on your husband/wife alot more emotionally as you live far away from family and friends and constant moves because of their career make it difficult to build up long emotional roots with new people. I found that especially hard and it puts stresses on the marriage if your not in that minority that 'want to shut out the world and only ever want to be around each other'. I found that very hard in the early years.

Salbertina Tue 23-Apr-13 08:00:41

Morning, Crescent- v true. Hadnt realised you were/are a trailing spouse? What got you thro those early years, your faith and adherence to your vows? (Hope not being too personal here, ignore if so!)

MostlyLovingLurchers Tue 23-Apr-13 11:02:03

I think what Crescent said is very valid. Dp and i nearly hit the buffers when we moved away for his job. Too easy to become isolated and dependent, and everything about the one person you can rely on becomes amplified, especially the less endearing characteristics. We survived, but it was a close run thing. I wonder if it may be worth you posting in relationships as well? I know you're trying to look at this from a spiritual perspective, but there are some very wise folk over there who may be able to help you clarify your thoughts.

crescentmoon Tue 23-Apr-13 14:46:14

i think you know when people say give yourselves/relationship time after having a baby or when children are young? i think its the same when your in that situation of moving home for jobs. it really tests your mettle and until that single permanent job can sometimes just be about patient endurance. and as mostly put it, things which would irritate in other situations become amplified, because you have no one else to rely on emotionally than your spouse. iv developed lots of different ways to cope but it was definitely trial and error, trial and error, trial and error lol.

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