Hello babysaurus. Happy Easter [busmile]
I don't know if I'm going to manage to write anything that makes any sense here... it's stupidly late, but I've been desperately trying to finish some work before I go on holiday (on Monday) and now of course I don't feel sleepy - which doesn't mean that I am necessarily going to be coherent!
I grew up going to church, went to a CofE school, and was confirmed in the CofE as a teenager. However, the model of Christianity I had in my family was very much in the 'go on Sunday; forget it for the rest of the week' mould... I can't say it was a huge part of my life, though it was a part. As I got older I moved away from my faith more and more. It never disappeared completely, I don't think, but it was well buried, and I defined myself as 'agnostic' for the best part of 30 years. A bit in the way that you describe feeling now, I always felt that I wanted to believe, but just couldn't make that 'leap of faith'. I did try, half-heartedly, to find a local church that I liked, but that didn't really work out either, so I just sort of stayed in my agnostic rut, confirmed in that by my DH who's a fairly vehement atheist. I found my way back to God a few years ago, when I lived abroad for a few months (without DH who stayed back in the UK for work reasons), and took that opportunity to find a church that I liked and to start going regularly.
I made a conscious decision to use that time abroad as a sort of 'trial period' when, instead of saying 'I'd like to believe, but...', I'd just sort of 'go with the flow' and see how it felt to just leave off the 'but' for a little while. I was fully prepared for the 'but' to keep coming back and for me to remain unconvinced, but in fact the opposite happened. I found a good church where I was happy, and it all just felt 'right'. It didn't happen overnight, of course, but the 'buts' started to go away, and I started to feel able to pray, and I quite quickly got to the point where I knew that I wasn't going back to my old fence-sitting ways. I got very lucky in finding a church where I felt 'right' also back in the UK, and I am still there now, quite involved, and very happy.
I'd like to disagree a little bit with some of the people on here, in that I do think that 'religion' is important, and not only God. I don't mean, obviously (I hope), that I agree with all the bad things that have been done in history, and continue to be done, in the name of religion, nor that I accept unquestioningly everything that I am told by those in authority in my church. But Christianity is, for me, fundamentally a communal religion - it's not only about the individual's relationship with God, but also about our relationships with one another. Paraphrasing massively, when Jesus was asked what the most important commandments were, he said 'Love God, and love your neighbour'; he also said that when two or three people gathered together in his name he would be there with them; and he also told us to share bread and wine in remembrance of him - all these things point for me towards the importance of the shared experience that comes from being a member of a church, rather than just a follower of a god, if that makes sense. But I don't want to make this sound 'cultish' - something you have to sign up to with rules you have to follow... there are so many different ways of 'being a member' of this community: online communities are one way, so maybe just stick around here for a bit in the first instance...
You asked what my faith means to me, and I find that so hard to answer. It means everything to me, not in the sense that everything that I do now is fundamentally different from what I did before, but because I view everything I do through a different lens. It's not that my basic values have changed, but that, I guess, I see them as part of a larger purpose or goal. My faith doesn't give me easy answers: I still see suffering, I still have questions I can't answer, I still hear church leaders saying things that I disagree with, I still have doubts... but my doubts don't take me out of the force-field of that love and peace that others have spoken about. In a busy and stressful life, and as a person who finds it hard to switch off (which is why I'm writing this at 3.30 a.m.!) it calms me, it helps me to focus on my own deeper needs and those of others. It gives me answers to some big questions and makes me question things I took as givens. It has made me feel that I belong in a place where previously I had lived for 10 years and not felt that I fitted in at all. It has made me a stronger, happier, better person. It has brought me real joy.
I recommend that you find out more, babysaurus. Think about what kind of church appeals to you (I like pattern and ritual, others like things to be a bit more free-flowing; organ and choir or band and modern songs... these things are only the trappings, of course, they are not the heart of the matter, but if getting it right makes you feel comfortable and able to access the deeper stuff then it is important) and go along and see how you feel. If it doesn't feel right, then maybe try somewhere else and see if it's better. Talk to people and get some recommendations. Ask questions. I pray that you find what you are looking for... and that, if you don't, you keep an open mind and maybe try again later. It took me a long time to find my way back, but it was so worth it.
Sorry this is so long. I do have a tendency to over-share... but you did ask! [bugrin]