The Muslim Tearoom(847 Posts)
Salaams/peace to all! I'm already missing our old thread, so taking the bull by the horns and opening our very own Muslim Tearoom, all welcome (non-Muslims too of course), to chat, share, ask questions etc etc. Imagine a cosy cafe with floor cushions, tea and coffee of all kinds, and lovely cakes! Please join me!
Relationship with in laws not good.She has had issues with her younger brother in law who has been very rude to her, mil hasn't said anything to her but by not saying anything to bil is condoning his behaviour. But if it was just a family issue it could be solved by moving out,but it's much more than that.
My MIL suggested mediator but like you say both parties have to want to make it work. He is a very private person only has 2 friends. He even had a go at one his best friends for standing too close to her and had a go at her about it. He probably only has 1 friend now. He doesn't talk much about his feelings to his wife so not sure how he would feel about talking to someone else. I am going to suggest that anyway. Other option would be trial separation but there is a strong possibility of it becoming permanent with the way she is feeling.
How is your sisters relationship with her in-laws?
Will he sit and discuss his issues with mediators present, i.e. members from both your families?
An acquaintance I know, got very successful counselling thro East London Masjid, her marriage was on the brink of breaking down, she had left him, but the Imam who did the counselling was very helpful. Of course both parties need to want the marriage to work for to help.
I do have personal experience of this, and I wish I had divorced him as soon as I realised what he was like, in my case it only escalated and I was in a living hell for the entire duration of my marriage. The jealousy over male acquaintances/friends was a pretext, he eventually decided my girlfriends were all sluts and etc. that my family were turning me against him (nothing to do with the fact he was an utterly evil abusive person who was difficult to like forget love) so I wasn't allowed to visit or speak to them either etc. etc.
I'm sorry but under these circumstances I am the last person to counsel patience or changing oneself, my advice is always run like the wind and do not have children with this man.
I've been a lurker on this thread but never posted anything. I was wondering if you could give me some advice for my sister who's having marriage problems and is very unhappy. I just posted this in Relationships but would like an Islamic perspective on this as well.
I'm looking for advice for my sister. She is very unhappy with her husband they have only been married since March this year. He basically does not trust her. was checking her phone within first few weeks of marriage. checks her Facebook for who has commented on her profile pics etc. He saw a comment an old male friend of hers made 2 years ago and started asking questions. Always calling if she is slightly late home. I think you get the picture of how he is. They were engaged for about a year before they married and dating or living together before marriage not acceptable in our culture. There were signs of his insecurities beforehand but no one bought it up as an issue. apart from the insecurity issues she says they dont have things in common as he doesn't have any interests other than his work. She says they have very little to chat about. She has spoken to him about this many times since they've been married, and he says he'll change but then something will happen again. He also goes in moods with her and most of the time she doesn't even know why.
So basically I just want to know if anyone has had experience in this kind of relationship and can he change? He is not willing to go and talk to any professionals but I was going to suggest couples counselling? Not sure if it will help or how much it can cost?
Any advice appreciated.
I think with the whole Christmas thing it's important to balance it out for our children, its fine to enjoy the festivities, but it's not our festival.
I've always loved Christmas, from the lights to the school plays to the holidays. We do make a point of getting together during Christmas break as it’s the only time of year we all get a week off adults and kids together.
But my children know there's no Father Christmas and we don’t give eachother gifts during Christmas.
I think it’s really important to start how you mean to go on, once the children are used to getting gifts at Christmas it feels horrible for them to have that taken away.
I do have fun during the sales tho!
But I also make a point of getting my girls something small every payday, so if they want a magazine or my youngest wanted an Islamic ink stamp. I like getting them little things every so often. Nothing majorly expensive but stuff like books, clothes etc. Gift giving and receiving is a part of our lives, it’s also a sunnah, to give gifts and to accept them graciously. My girls are always making me presents too.
Sis Madmum24, whereabouts are you? I’ve heard really good things about Al Sadiq boys school in Brondesbury. It’s twinned with Islamia girls (the school opened by Yusuf Islam, it’s one of the best schools academically mashallah).
Remember us all in your duas sisters especially when you’re fasting
Crescent I have been making up my fasts too. I got inspired after reading Swish and Fuzzys posts. Ive done 9 days so far (10th day today) but I have another 20 to go . Inshallah I hope to do them now whilst maghrib is on the right side of 4 O clock. I think this is the earliest that maghrib gets in the whole year. Later on this month its going to start getting a bit later (by that I mean the wrong side of 4 O clock) so Im going to use this opportunity whilst I can.
Defuse I know what you mean about having doubts. I constantly doubt myself over my parenting with regards to how to raise him to be a good muslim. At the end of the day I think the most important thing we need to inculcate in our children is a love of God and their own personal relationship with God. I think that the problem when we are too strict (look at me backtracking now) is that our children dont do or do things because of fear of us or desire to please us rather than because of wanting to please God. As they get older and care less about what we think they may stop doing all those actions we taught them as children if their original intent revolved around us. I hope that makes sense. For example I know some girls who started wearing hijab at a very young age, perhaps to please their parents or because of pressure from their parents and when they got older they stopped wearing it. On the otherhand I know one sister whose parents never tried to make her wear hijab and when she was older she choose to wear it without any pressure from them because spiritually she was ready. Her parents instead focused on developing her character and helping her grow in her emaan. Anyway its food for thought I think about what are the most important things to teach our children.
Madmum I have heard of Al khair boys school in London. They have quite good exam results and their ethos and approach is quite balanced I think compared to some schools. Its based in Croydon. Not sure where you are based though.
I had a good laugh reading some of your comments Defuse, Crescent and Gosh on the Santa thread. Its shocking isnt it how some people can be so arrogant. Subhanallah its really makes me remember the verses in the Quran about those people who think they are self-sufficient and have pride.
Anyway Im staying out of it. I just see red when I read some of their comments so I thought let me keep my blood pressure down and read a book instead.
woohoo salams defuse very glad you revived the thread. id got to thinking the tearoom was all boarded up and closed!
as for your ds worrying about Isa (as) not having a father, my FIL told us something once, that the reason why every human being will be called by his/her mother's name on the Day of Judgement, rather than by our father's names, is as a courtesy to Jesus (as) because he had no father. i dont know how accurate or authentic that is but i always thought it was nice. iv started doing sunnah fasts of monday thursday these past two weeks- iv been getting pep talks from fuzzy! and iv told my dc why we fast on Mondays to commemorate the birth of the Prophet (pbuh) on a monday. so i told them the Christians commemorate the birth of jesus not by fasting the day he was born each week but, ahhh, celebrating his birth on christmas day. (too complicated to start talking about the early church fathers and their trying to win over the european heathens by placing Isa's birth in the middle of winter!). i also take them to mawlids regularly and Rabi ul Awwal is coming up so that month is a month of salawat in this house (no music!). just to develop that attachment to the Nabi (pbuh).
i know what you mean about worrying about your dd and being told she'll be good if she has presents. im sitting on my hands waiting for the christmas sales and my dc know il pick up some new clothes and games for them too inshaallah.
im like you guys about not letting dc get attached too much to things they'll struggle to leave when older. but as you said peaceful, if you take somethnig away from them you have to give them something else thats fun. iv promised them for every 5 surahs they memorise by heart il throw them a little party or take them out with their friends to wherever they want as a treat. because Eid ul Adha and Eid ul Fitr are coming earlier and earlier in the year relative to christmas.
got our gas and electricity bill a couple of days ago, subhanallah but im still reeling! really really reeling, all those threads about the cost of gas going up and iv only just realised aoothoobillah. starting to shop around to change company now!
how's your ds doing today peaceful. i laughed about these home remedies, although i would swear by garlic, olive oil, honey and black seed. AND sesame seed oil for croup style coughs, works really well and fast. and baobab seed oil for making hair thicker. so, i have my home remedies too!
madmum hope somebody comes along soon inshaallah, iv heard good things about Tawheedul Islam girls but dont know much about the boys.
welcome, marhaban, to new posters.
Assalamo alaikum all
does anyone have experience with any muslim boys secondary schools? please shre your good or bad experiences.
Jazakallah khair for your post. Unfortunately i am nowhere near london so cannot benefit from the wonderful mosque activities that you have described. However, it has given me an idea to do a DIY activity set-up of my own to teach my kids.
I agree with the boundary thing and with my first one, i was quite good at it...with the subsequent ones, i have gone slack and somewhat doubt my style of parenting! The eldest understands no birthdays, no music, no nativity, no tooth fairy, but the younger ones dont seem to grasp any of it which leaves me bewildered as to how I managed to convey the message properly the first time and not so properly subsequently!
I am no good with home remedies but pray that Allah gives your ds shifa very soon. Personally, i am a fan of hot ginger and lemon water with a bit of honey, but none of my dcs would ever try that. I have heard of the oil thing but have no idea what the logic behind that is.....must have something to do with the 'hot' and 'cold' thing that us pakistanis can be quite obsessive about . Although i am sure there is some logic to it all.
I dont know where in the country you are based but there is a mosque in London that hold a fun workshop/event for children every year around Christmas time where they teach them about the Story of Jesus PBUH from our perspective. The sister who runs it is a teacher and she does some really great activities with the kids who are as young as 4 years old. It really goes a long way in helping them to straighten out any confusion they have and to develop their understanding and love for the Prophet Jesus PBUH. I can pm you the details if you want.
I think that we should be really honest and straight-forward with our children when dealing with these sorts of issues. I think once you become inconsistent when they are younger then it creates more confusion later on when they are older. For example christmas parties, discos, birthdays, music and so on would be a definite no no for me right from the get go because I dont want to introduce something to my ds that I would struggle later on to withdraw from him. That said I think if you take something away you have to replace it with something else.
I was having a conversation with my sister (biological one ) earlier this week about whether it is better to have a strict or more laid back approach with your children. My parents were uber strict with us and though at the time I resented it I now appreciate that it kept us on the straight and narrow (all completed or are in the process of completing education; all settled down etc). Some of our family friends who we envied as children for the relative freedom they had made some seriously bad choices which now in their mid twenties they are still struggling to recover from. Though Im not saying there is necessarily always a direct correlation in my case personally a strict upbringing with firm
endless boundaries helped me stay away from certain problems. That being said I dont want my ds to be as restricted as I was especially because of cultural baggage.
Speaking about my ds, he is a bit unwell at the moment so I would appreciate any duas. He is not seriously ill (Alhamdulillah) just in need of a little tlc. I was mentioning it to one sister and she told me that putting oil in his hair regularly would help (?!). At the time I thanked her for the advice but in my mind I was thinking how on earth is that going to help him get over a cold. Anyone else heard that one or understand the logic behind that. My mum was telling me to give put one clove of garlic in his milk to help his cough. I have heard that before (and been on the recieving end of it) but done really know the reasoning behind that either. Anyone else have any home-made/made-up remedies for colds?
Read a hadith recently: there is no obedience to the creation , in disobedience to the Creator. Obedience is only in what is good.
Dc came home after school and asked me why santa only leaves presents for good children!!! Alarm bells started ringing because if dd doesnt get any presents (which she wasnt going to as we dont celebrate christmas) then she will believe that she has not been good! I told her that she was a very good girl and that santa doesnt get her presents - mummy and daddy do! And dont mummy and daddy choose really lovely presents!!
She seemed happy with the answer but i am still a little worried - but then, i do worry about anything and everything nowadays!
Dcs have also been asking about 'lord Jesus' recently, and though i have a few books about stories from the quran, i havent got any kids stories which tell the story of Jesus in much detail.
Ds seems upset that jesus didnt have a daddy - i am not doing a good job at telling my own worded story, perhaps i should write one and then read it to them.
thanks fuzzy, im definitely going to add that to my little arsenal of duas when im feeling stuck or struggling, along with the dua of Prophet Ibrahim
'Hasbunallahi wa ni'mal wakeel' (3:173).
(Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the best disposer of affairs)
that and the verse of the throne is what comes to mind when my back's to the wall and i just feel like thats it, im going to leave it to
Al-Qadr after this!
Im loving reading about prophet Ibrahim at the moment, i have a hope with him and when reading the 'salat alun nabi' (salutation to the prophet) at the end of the salah i am more aware not just of asking for blessings on Muhammad (pbuh), but also of asking for blessings upon Ibrahim (as).
i love that you got fed at your CMs, Allah bless her. a friend of mine once roped me into cooking the ramadan iftar meal with her one day for the mosque. she didnt ask me, she volunteered then came round to mine and told me i had to help her cook. i was so busy but i had to take the chicken she'd brought round to do my part of the meal but i kept saying 'why a 3 course meal? you know the hadith doesnt specify how much you have to feed a fasting person right? just buy 3 boxes of dates, pass them round make sure everyone takes one, bob's your uncle you've just won the reward of their fasting too! (without involving me in your programme!!!!).' i was only half joking!
totally agree gosh about things getting better with marital advice in the muslim community. its no longer 'from parent's house to your spouses house to the grave' (that was said to my brothers too!) ha alhamdullillah. true that Quran and sunnah isnt enough to keep it going, islam provides a framework but it doesnt fill all the gaps. its what gets filled in the gaps that is important.i didnt stick to it and im happy with my choices, but i get the point of those who say marrying from one's own cultural background is best.
Asma' bint `Umays (may Allah be pleased with her) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to me: "Shall I teach you some words to say at times of distress? You should say: Allahu rabbi la ushriku bihi shay’an (Allah is my Lord with Whom I associate nothing.)" In another version it is stated that this should be said seven times. Reported by Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah
fuzzy whats the translation of that dua?
I do actually wonder about it too sis GoshAnne, I can't imagine a life without iman, pretty much everything in life begins and ends in Allah for us.
Yesterday I was fasting and I had had a very lazy weekend so no food was ready at home, as I got off the train I was mentally trying to motivate myself to go home and cook and not order out (and I was frankly exhausted), I was reciting a dhikr I usually do when I am struggling.
أَللَّهُ أَللَّهُ رَبِّي لَا أُشْرِكُ بِهِ شَيْئًا
“Allahu Allahu Rabbi Laa Ushriku Bihi Shay’a”
So I got to the CM to pick up my girls and her MIL was there and said something to her and she turned to me and asked if I was busy, to which I said nope so she asked me to stay and eat with them! They'd made biryani it was her son's birthday and her IL's wanted to make a fuss, the kids were all delighted.
I told her she'd fed a fasting person and she was delighted too. lol
From my trying hard to be positive and grateful yesterday subhanallah my path was thrown open for me in minutes.
I felt (and still do) so happy and grateful and humbled and I can't imagine life without that certainty that Allah will grant ease.
Crescent - another dua I really like is to ask for you both to love each other as the Prophet (pbuh) and Khadija did. I do think things are improving in terms of marital advice. People just used to say "as long as you follow the Quran and Sunnah" and "Marry asap" and I think there is a realisation that it takes a bit more then that and also, that marrying too quickly is often not a good thing.
However, I have mainly delurked (I usually MN on my phone and this thread takes ages to load), to say something which would be hugely controversial elsewhere here, but I wanted your thoughts.
I think being a practicing Muslim is a lovely life and solves/avoids a lot of problems.
I also think some Muslims get caught up with other things and forget the beauty of our religion and what it brings us.
I got surah inshirah confused with surah inshiqaq earlier tulip. Nice to advise your cousin to read it I really hope things work out soon for her. I wish we had more marriage mentoring/counselling in the muslim community as some churches offer engaged couples. It's difficult sometimes to find helpful advise. I always share marital disagreements/problems with my mum but I feel sorry for her because my other siblings plus assorted cousins do as well! If shes not worrying about one shes worrying about one of the others instead subhanallah. One of her best advises to me was to ask Allah by His Name 'Al Wadud' (The Loving) whenever we find ourselves at cross purposes with each other. It helps serve as a reminder of our ultimate goal also : 'Where are those who loved each other For My Sake?' will be called out on Yawmal Qiyamah according to one hadith.
Hello ladies hope you are well.
My cousin is having a few problems at home, namely with her marriage. I think they're just going through a rocky patch really. Anyway it was really nice to share Surah Inshirah with her, just like you did with me Fuzzywuzzy, and well it felt good!
She really appreciated it, and we both said how just praying it felt so uplifting and humbling at the same time.
So thank you
I only discovered the benefits of reciting surah Kahf on Fridays a few years ago, I've always loved the surah anyway, the four parables within it are ones I've always loved.
Sis crescent barakallah feeq
Just got ur package in the post today fuzzy jazakhallah khair my love for remembering me. It's the best thing I needed at this time.
Jumma mubarak (or thank God its friday in more ways than one!) everyone!
whoops, his izzah is in that alhamdullillah and i love and appreciate him for that. we're also lucky that we live in a society that has alot of fallbacks for people, in other parts of the world theres no national health service, or social security so women dont have the luxury to stay at home if they can work they just get on with it. some women dont need to but they want to because as fuzzy said they have God given talents and intellect that they wish to use. not just always about serving others or serving the community. the Quran says: '...A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child' (2:233), thats in the famous verse on breastfeeding where its said weaning should be 2 years but that No-one should be charged beyond their capacity. and everyone knows what her capacity is. some women can give up their work and stay home to raise their children without feeling resentment and some women cant. the sad thing is those women who guilt their adult children constantly with 'i gave up everything for you' and they never get peace because they can never get back every ounce of what they put in and their grown children also never get peace.
id also like to be in a situation when my dc grow up of what my PILs are in like now, being able to financially help and support their adult children and grandchildren. not my parents, but DHs parents. i hope to be in that position alot, but my mum being a SAHM helps me so much with childcare whenever iv needed a break from being a mum. for that i have this timescale in my head of working as much as i can before dc start their own families when il want to be free to be able to take care of their dc and help them if they want as thats whats helped me so much to stay sane and in my marriage!
as for fasting, swazzle winter is the best time to make up fasts. magrib is so early now i keep telling myself to try and do some makeups and extras. fuzzy mashaallah thanks for the reminders, especially about the breath of a fasting person! i would always feel self conscious about mine! but now because of this tooth ache, ahh, my breath smells so fresh even when i wake up in the morning im flossing, mouth wash, as well as brushing like mad. alas, too late for all the years of eating sweets and drinking sugary tea that have caught up with me that iv needed this root canal -i cannot plead ignorance to this cause and effect iv been told by various dentists enough times!
as for feeling guilty about your mum peaceful? was she unhappy? some women are very happy to be wives and mothers. or at least content. alot of that is how their community and society views them and if they are valued by their families and beyond. our mum's generation had that more than our generation tbh, even within the muslim community there can be sometimes some disparagement of sisters who are 'just' wives or mothers. even amongst traditional/conservative types. i got talking to an aunty the other day - by aunty here i mean 'older muslim lady'! - and she was asking me to recommend someone for her son as he wanted to get married. and as he is well educated and a professional he asked her to find him a girl who is also well educated and a professional. this bro is Tableegh if you want to know where he sits on the scale. and not just him. iv heard of this more and more and i think its great in most ways - sisters with full-on careers e.g medicine/accountancy used to find it very hard to get married before as there was a preference for SAHM types or 'age range' (young twenties) meant someone who hadnt worked on her career long. but the rebalancing shouldnt be tipping over to the other side completely so that those sisters who arent the academic/career types have their lives and roles looked down upon by the community.
to me working and earning your own cash isnt just being about having more in savings or material things. we're not just wives and mothers we are also daughters/sisters/aunties etc. i like being able to treat my parents to things and getting the ajr from that, i like being able to lend my own money to friends who need help and getting the ajr from that, hearing about a cousin who cant afford medical bills and being able to send money over and getting the ajr from that. things that its not fair to expect my DH to cover when he's already working so hard to provide and save for our family. and iv found over the years, no matter how much we talk of my family is your family, or joining families it just isnt the same. if my brother asks to borrow 10 grand its not the same as if his brother asks for 10 grand. it just isnt. why i went back to working was i wanted to also be someone who could help and support her own family if they are in need not rely on my husband to do that. men from some cultures do that naturally but its an oppression on someone who doesnt come from such a culture and my DH doesnt come from such a culture.
i could have got resentful about that - why if im staying home looking after your kids should you not pick up the responsibilities i have to other people on my behalf gladly? without making me feel its a burden on you? but
over time i resolved its better to just say alhamdullillah that at least DH because of his religious and cultural reservations has always had a 'its your money' attitude to anything i earn and has never factored it in to anything to do with our family eg housing, bills, groceries, clothes, even savings etc. his izzah is in that alhamdullillah.
Thanks Little Tulip, I want to do them in one whole month so will start after the weekend inshallah. If I do a day here and a day there, I'll never do them. I'm going to do a time table like in Ramadan.
Fuzzy, you're an inspiration!
Subhanallah Fuzzywuzzy thanks for that.
Also just googled about praying Surah Kahf on Fridays, I really didn't know! This is why I love this thread I learn something new everyday
'Whoever recites Surat al-Kahf on Friday, light shall shine forth for him between the two Fridays.' (Bayhaqi).
I've done the Muharram fasts too Alhumdulillah, now I'm doing ondays and Thursdays and intend to keep it up inshallah, should make up a fair few fasts inshallah.
I love fasting because the Hadiths regardign fasting;
Abu Hurairah relates that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, said: "Allah, the Lord of Honor and glory says: All other deeds of man are for himself, but his fasting is purely for Me and I shall reward him for it. The fast is a shield. When any of you is fasting he should abstain from loose talk and noisy exchanges. Should anyone revile him or seek to pick a quarrel with him, he should respond with: I am observing a fast. By Him in Whose hands is the life of Muhammad, the breath of one who is fasting is purer in the sight of Allah than the fragrance of musk. One who fasts experiences two joys: he is joyful when he breaks his fast, and he is joyful by virtue of his fast when he meets his Lord" (Bukhari and Muslim).
Sa'ad Ibn Sahl relates that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, said: "There is a gate of Paradise called Rayyan through which only those will enter on the Day of Judgment who are regular in observing the fast and no one else. A call will go forth: Where are those who observed the fast regularly? And they will step forth and no one beside them will enter through that gate. After they shall have entered, the gate will be closed and no one else will enter thereby" (Bukhari and Muslim).
Abu Sa'id Khudri relates that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, said: "When a servant of Allah observes the fast for a day for the sake of Allah, He thereby repels the Fire from him a distance of seventy years of journeying" (Bukhari and Muslim).
Specifically the bit Where Allah says fasting is purely for Him, that really speaks to me, doing osmething purely for the sake of Allah.
Also Happy Jummah everyone and remember to recite or listen to surah Kahf inshallah
Hope your toothache gets better crescent!
I have about 20+ years of fasts to make up Swish! Have done the odd one last few weeks and of course the Muharram ones. I am going to fast tomorrow inshallah so will keep you company