Last night my DH had to wake me up as I was sobbing and thrashing about in my sleep. This very rarely happens, so I made a real effort to remember the dream. Here goes:
I am at work, I like it, it feels familiar and there are lots of friendly people that I know there. I start the dream feeling happy. As the dream progresses, I start to feel more and more down and like I am in no fit state to be there. I try to find somewhere to be alone to cry but one of the children finds me and I have to hide behind a muddy bank so she doesn't see that I am crying.
I realise I need to go somewhere more private, so head down some stairs to the toilets. There is no door on the stall I am in, and two other women come in. One woman (she is a black lady, with beautiful long hair. I have no idea if that is significant but include it as she was a stranger rather than someone familiar to me) is round the corner, gets in with what she is doing and I am not bothered that she is there. The other lady (white, slim with a pixie cut, also a stranger to me) chooses to stand opposite me and stares every time I try to open my legs to wipe (I wipe back to front, always have - I know I shouldn't! Sorry, TMI!). Eventually I give up, do what I've got to do and throw the used paper at her. She picks it up and keeps it.
I see a window at the back of my stall and think that if I climb out I will finally be alone. As I am half way out, a senior member of staff (male, also a stranger) comes to make me give him a blow job. He grabs hold of my feet between his fingers and thumbs and pinches tightly. I have very ticklish feet and so it feels unbearable. That is when I woke up.
Sorry it's so long, any dream experts have any ideas?
Very good advice to not phone debt management phone lines. Many IFAs don't charge for consultations and may be another option, but only really any help if you have money to shift round as they make their money by getting commission on the products they sell you (rearranging your mortgage etc).
I really sympathise - i lost my job and we could only just manage with two incomes before. In the end i stayed at home with ds as it cost us less than me working and paying for childcare. Not saying that would work for you btw. I got all our reuseable nappies from ebay for around £50 (unused i hasten to add!), which saved bucket loads (not literally - there were many bucket loads!).
Thank you all so much. I feel a lot more clued up about things and actually have something of a handle on my own feelings, even if I'm not in control in real life.
I feel insecure and need to explain to DH how I'm feeling and get myself some control in this so I don't feel like I am being forced into things. I need to accept ( sadly) that we will not be starting a family in the next year but when we do we will be in a much better position financially.
I am going to see if I can get an appt with the CAB, or maybe have a chat to the SW at work. At the very least I will spend a bit of time today looking at options online and join the MSE debt forum for support.
And in the meantime I am going to clean out said bunnies and make a snowman to clear my head a bit.
Thank you again, you have all been so supportive. Will keep you posted if I have any more insightful dreams.
Maybe the lady watching you on the toilet is about shame? Maybe there is someone who you are generally close to but feel unable to share this with them because you're worried they might not be entirely understanding?