Religion in the family

[ChaCha]

I have no children as of yet (one due in about 11 weeks) and was just wondering how those of you who are bringing up your kids with/without faith cope with grandparents who do not agree with your choice/way you bring up your kids.
I had never really thought of it except that my child will be brought up following the same religion as me. I of course, will teach him that his grandparents, uncles, aunts etc.. have their own religion/way of life and he can take it from there but why the fuss when he isn't even here yet? Is it really so important to the grandparents? Never thought it would be an issue but it is obviously...anyone?
Do hope i make sense.

[CeeTee]

Just remember the golden rule.
Do unto others as you would want done to you.
I hope you & the grandparents can communicate your concerns to one another in an adult, respectable fashion. Maybe ya'll can learn something from each other. Sorry If my advice is not so great but religion is so hard to discuss especially when everyone has different beliefs.
I wish you the best of luck.

[Tortington]

religeon is usually with the mother. - passed down if you will. this is becuase imo historically mother has always been ther and there can be no identity mishap mistake. of who the kid belongs to.

so mine are all catholic brough up catholic and church going until recently when i cant be arsed - crisis of faith too boring.

still get the kid dunked or snipped or whatever into your religeon and let them fight it out - if they are as good a religeous people as they proport to be they will be nice about it. however this is doubtful so stand your ground.

[starshaker]

can i just ask what the religions in question are

[ChaCha]

I'm glad there have been some replies. Thanks.

Starshaker - I'm a British Muslim (both my mother and husband are converts to Islam) and my mother in law is a practising Christian, father in law was catholic but doesn't really believe in anything anymore.

IMHO the only difference is that MIL will say that Jesus is the Lord/son of God where I say that he is a Prophet and not the son.
Amazing that this could cause so much controversy considering our religions ARE very similar.

[starshaker]

oh thats a difficult 1 as they both believe there religion is the only 1 (no offence) i used to go with a muslim but we split for this reason we wouldnt know what way to bring up the kids. we didnt have any by the way was just talked about. jesus is the big man for christians but just a prophet in islam. cant really advise or sugest anything just thought id follow up. all i can say is get ur hard hat ready this will be a bumpy ride especially if ur dh mum is like my granda

[Jackstini]

Good Luck Cha Cha - unfortunately the one point of difference you mention is the absolute cornerstone of the religions. I think you have to bring up the children in the faith of yourself & your husband (at least you share a religion!) and if, when they are older, they want to find out more about another religion you have to be tolerant

[ChaCha]

Jackstini - Agree entirely with what you've said. I hope that's what I do.

Starshaker - Thanks for following up. I can see the predicament you must have had. I was raised without religion although my father was a born Muslim. We celebrated Christmas, went to church, read the bible etc.. and then I was exposed to Islam as a teenager. It was really quite confused and as a result I had no inclination to either religion and followed my own way for years. It wasn't until later that I was looking for something and found it in Islam.

Marina - Do you find it difficult? Is your MIL a big part of your lives? How do you handle situations that arise?

[PrettyCandles]

Make sure you talk openly and respectfully with both sets of grandparents. Don't assume that because they have said one thing before the baby is born they will be of the same opinion afterwards.

I'm Jewish, dh isn't (considers himself atheist), and until ds was born my PILs seemed perfectly content that our children would be raised Jewish. Afterwards all hell broke loose, especially after ds was circumcised, and MIL started telling dh that he was abandoning his own faith. She felt personally hurt that there was to be no Christianity in our childrens's upbringing, and FIL was appalled that we had circumcised ds. This despite our discussions during my pregnancy.

As Islam also requires circumcision (I know, at a different age) this may be a major issue for your PILs. Also, a very British thing, I think, is to be a bit blinkered: the PILs rationalise not bringing the subject up as 'we don't want to interfere' yet are feeling deeply hurt and it's up to you to help heal the hurt by bringing the subject up and allowing people to talk.

HTH. It's been a struggle for us, and dh has been deeply hurt by it all, but things seem to be improving now (ds is 5).

[acnebride]

Just found this and wondered if you might find this book useful - I did.

[PrettyCandles]

Yes, a very good book. Obviously biased towards Jewish+Other relationships, but not biased towards Judaism despite being written by a Rabbi, and the discussions and advice are very relevant to any mixed relationship.

[Marina]

Hi ChaCha, luckily she is not a big part of our lives through her own choice, despite living not far away. She is quite a detached sort of person, not willing to help with babysitting (ever, we're not talking weekly here!) or with the school holidays.
But she is a past master at the snide comment to ds (who is six now) about his education and upbringing so I am latterly pretty glad she is never on his own with him.
We are liberal Christians rather than Bible-based fundamentalists, so are more than happy for ds to discuss and explore other faiths belief systems and that includes agnosticism, atheism and humanism. We just want him doing it with people whose objective is not to undermine his parents or make anyone feel small
I suspect from what you are saying, your MIL and other family members will be much more a part of your lives and their potential to cause upset much greater.
As PrettyCandles says, I guess circumcision and maybe also naming/dedication ceremonies are going to be difficult topics for you all. I don't think you can do any more than discuss, plan ahead, as you are doing, and hope for the best.