Not so much pedantry, as editing problems. Writers needed

(28 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:32:06

I'm having a real problem editing a piece of work. I need your help.

Can you help me re-phrase the section below so it makes sense, is not waffly or garbled as it currently is? I can normally figure it out but for some reason my brain is not engaging and I can't for the life of me work out what on earth she is saying!

"I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfill their potential by sharing this ideology through uniquely developed
methods that will form the foundation of a training consultancy that allows brand ambassadors to develop an approach to services that inspire a fashion retail experience as uniquely special as the individual"

ForkInTheForeheid Tue 28-May-13 21:39:01

"I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfil their potential.

Brand ambassadors will develop a unique approach to services through training in carefully developed methods, allowing them to form a training consultancy which inspires an exclusive and individual fashion retail experience."

Any good?

tribpot Tue 28-May-13 21:40:25

God, that is bloody awful. Seriously.

So a brand ambassador is someone chosen to be the face/voice/whatever of a product? And this training course teaches brand ambassadors how to be good at being brand ambassadors? Which ensures that the people employing them achieve a positive result for their customers?

(That isn't my suggested rewrite, I'm just trying to break the various parts of the management-bullshit-sentence-that-never-ends into its constituent ideas).

"I want to share this ideology with business owners and offer them the opportunity to fulfill their potential. This exclusively developed training consultancy allows brand ambassadors to develop an approach to services that inspire a fashion retail experience as uniquely special as the individual."

How's this?

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:42:16

tri yes, that's the jist of it.

Fork - that is much better, thank you!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:43:52

quickquick yep good too!

Primadonnagirl Tue 28-May-13 21:45:06

Has original author just randomly selected words out of a dictionary!! Like quicks version but I would still break up the last sentence or leave out the "an approach to bit"

Amrapaali Tue 28-May-13 21:45:55

While we are being pedants, its actually gist, not jist. Sorry, couldn't resist smile

tribpot Tue 28-May-13 21:47:15

How far you allowed to go in the rewrite? I would go a very long way from the original if possible.

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:47:59

am oh no, please feel free to point away! If ever there is a thread to do so, it is here grin

Wigeon Tue 28-May-13 21:47:59

The main problem isn't the fact that it's far too long to be a sentence, or that there are lots of clauses, but that it's not in plain English. I think it should be rewritten something like this:

"I have developed a new and unique way to [do something - not sure what?]. I have therefore set up a training consultancy to help business owners improve their businesses. Through my training, the brand ambassadors [can this be said in plainer English?] who I train will develop their own, special approaches to selling fashion; approaches which are as individual as their customers [or as individual as the brand ambassadors?]"

Currently, it is incredibly jargon-y. I find a good way to de-jargon someone's writing is to ask them what that paragraph means. Then they explain it to you in plain English (because no one would say face to face "I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfill their potential by sharing this ideology through uniquely developed methods"). Then get them to write down what they said to you - it will make a lot more sense.

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:49:20

Well, I suspect I can rip it apart, but I am only charging for a straightforward copy edit. And, if I rip this section apart I will have to do the whole piece!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:52:03

wigeon <kisses> you star! In that re-write of yours, you've just included a waffly second bit!

Wigeon Tue 28-May-13 21:52:30

Tell the person to send it to me - I'll sort it out for £50!!

(Can you tell I have just spent half my day today trying to figure out how to improve one of my reportee's bit of rather unclear drafting, followed by the other half of the day proof-reading a report before it goes to the printers! I am on FIRE today with proof-reading and editing!)

Wigeon Tue 28-May-13 21:53:39

Wot?! Where is my waffly second bit?!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:54:26

trib sometimes, if it's not a huge piece, I will just re-write it. However, there is probably going to me more work from this so I don't want to set a precedent of re-writing for an edit.

But then on the other hand, I can't bear to leave badly written work, well, badly written!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:55:33

wigeon not your waffly bit - in your whole section, you actually wrote some words that this person did in their second waffly bit (which I didn't write here).

Oh god. Now I'm waffling <head spins>

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:56:52

oh I must be tired. I can see typos all over the shop in my own writing now. AND it's in the Pedant's Corder. I am going to get lynched...

<finds dustbin lid and takes cover>

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 21:58:20

So, I'm going to take a little bit of several re-writes by you fab people!

You are fab as always!

PoppyAmex Portugal Tue 28-May-13 22:01:28

English is not my first language, but instead of:

"the brand ambassadors who I train"

wouldn't it be:

"the brand ambassadors whom I train"

?

Wigeon Tue 28-May-13 22:09:23

Ah, yes, think it is whom in that case blush

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 22:11:48

poppy
reads this

explains it simply. not! But better than I can grin

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 22:14:25

I think, but don't quote me on it, that it is suggesting 'who' rather than 'whom'.

But, when we talk about subjective/objective, my mind shuts down. So I am going with rule 3.

Wigeon Tue 28-May-13 22:22:35

Pavlov - I read that exact same page and decided it was probably "whom" grin!

DH (fellow pedant) suggests a neat solution: "the brand ambassadors I train" grin!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 22:26:05

grin oh yes, I like that compromise, thank your DH too!

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 22:27:25

wigeon did you read the cartoon on the front page of that journo site? very funny...go read it you haven't already. I felt quite sad for finding it funny, but I did laugh out loud blush

SconeRhymesWithGone Tue 28-May-13 22:34:22

I think it is whom (flip the clause and substitute him/her as in "I train him.")

I think this distinction will be gone from English in another generation. It will not be mourned by many. wink

PavlovtheCat Tue 28-May-13 22:39:45

ah I see! (it rhymes with 'cone' btw wink )

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