I'm having a real problem editing a piece of work. I need your help.
Can you help me re-phrase the section below so it makes sense, is not waffly or garbled as it currently is? I can normally figure it out but for some reason my brain is not engaging and I can't for the life of me work out what on earth she is saying!
"I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfill their potential by sharing this ideology through uniquely developed methods that will form the foundation of a training consultancy that allows brand ambassadors to develop an approach to services that inspire a fashion retail experience as uniquely special as the individual"
"I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfil their potential.
Brand ambassadors will develop a unique approach to services through training in carefully developed methods, allowing them to form a training consultancy which inspires an exclusive and individual fashion retail experience."
So a brand ambassador is someone chosen to be the face/voice/whatever of a product? And this training course teaches brand ambassadors how to be good at being brand ambassadors? Which ensures that the people employing them achieve a positive result for their customers?
(That isn't my suggested rewrite, I'm just trying to break the various parts of the management-bullshit-sentence-that-never-ends into its constituent ideas).
"I want to share this ideology with business owners and offer them the opportunity to fulfill their potential. This exclusively developed training consultancy allows brand ambassadors to develop an approach to services that inspire a fashion retail experience as uniquely special as the individual."
The main problem isn't the fact that it's far too long to be a sentence, or that there are lots of clauses, but that it's not in plain English. I think it should be rewritten something like this:
"I have developed a new and unique way to [do something - not sure what?]. I have therefore set up a training consultancy to help business owners improve their businesses. Through my training, the brand ambassadors [can this be said in plainer English?] who I train will develop their own, special approaches to selling fashion; approaches which are as individual as their customers [or as individual as the brand ambassadors?]"
Currently, it is incredibly jargon-y. I find a good way to de-jargon someone's writing is to ask them what that paragraph means. Then they explain it to you in plain English (because no one would say face to face "I want to give business owners the opportunity to fulfill their potential by sharing this ideology through uniquely developed methods"). Then get them to write down what they said to you - it will make a lot more sense.
Tell the person to send it to me - I'll sort it out for £50!!
(Can you tell I have just spent half my day today trying to figure out how to improve one of my reportee's bit of rather unclear drafting, followed by the other half of the day proof-reading a report before it goes to the printers! I am on FIRE today with proof-reading and editing!)