Party etiquette!

[susanmt]

Great excitement in our house tonight as dd came home with 2 party invitations (her first ones!!).
She can go to one but not the other. Just as a guide - for the one she can go to, how much are people spending on presents for parties these days. I feel I would like to be generous here as it is her childminder's daighter's party.
And for the one she cant go to - do you get a present anyway? Send a card? Not sure, this is all new to me!
Thanks for your help in advance

[Tinker]

susan - so many factors to consider!!! How well do you know the kids or their parents, you own income, how many presents you'll have to buy that year blah, blah blah.

For me, for my Goddaughter, it's about £15.00. Kids of my friends, say £7 - £10. For children in my daughters class who I don't know at all, £5- £6?. And judging from the presents she received for her birthday, I would think that's about standard.

For the one she can't go to, if you know the child well, then maybe a card and present, if it's a child in your child's class who you don't really know, I wouldn't worry about it, to be honest.

[Tinker]

Ooo, how bizarre! What's happened here?

[cherry]

Dd has started to get party invites too. Personally I have put a £10 limit on presents, and any parties she can't attend I will just be sending a card.

[SueDonim]

Goodness, £10 seems very generous, it's usually a fiver here. And if you can't attend I wouldn't send a present unless it's someone to whom you'd be giving a present anyway. HTH

[cherry]

£10 includes card and they're normally about £2 or they are if your fussy with cards like me!

[bee]

We almost never give birthday cards, just put a nice sticky label on the present, with the "to" and "from" names. The children just rip cards off and dont look at them in their excitement to get to the present, and I would rather spend the extra on the present itself.

[bee]

We almost never give birthday cards, just put a nice sticky label on the present, with the "to" and "from" names. The children just rip cards off and dont look at them in their excitement to get to the present, and I would rather spend the extra on the present itself.

[ScummyMummy]

Tinker, how did you know what Susan was going to ask before she asked it?!

[Bozza]

I'm pretty much with Tinker on the values - £5 for class mates parties - £7-10 for children of friends (exactly the same). Maybe more for neices/nephews - if I had any!!! I would certainly guess that my two sisters and my sister-in-law spend about £30 on DS but that is because they are all childless and so there is only DS. But I would say that is maybe too much. DS is spoilt. Both grandmothers spend more than DH and I do.

Also would agree - just a card if not going to the party - at least then the thought is there.

[SueW]

Ditto here on the fiver for most parties, more for close friends (7-10).

I mentioned to a couple of the mums at school yesterday about how I was dying to be the first mum to break the tradition and ask for money/give money and one was well in favour of it. Sadly, I'd already bought pressies for her twins whose party was today.

Our kids are all 5yo, BTW.

[susanmt]

Next party question??? The party is being held in the local nursery building. DD knows it well as she goes twice a week for 2 hours and also to mother & toddlers there with me. But do I go with her or leave her there? We live 13 miles away so it is quite hard to get back if there is a problem? Or am I being paranoid. She will be one of the youngest there.

[Azzie]

How old is she, Susan? Although she's familiar with the place, it won't be the same setup, faces etc as she's used to. Even now at 4.5yrs I still tell ds that I will only leave if he's happy for me to go (which he always is, these days!). My dd is 2.5, and I probably wouldn't leave her yet - although she plays happily with other children and takes little notice of me, she's still at that age where every now and then she swings by 'to make sure that Mummy is alright'.

[Cityfreak]

On costs of presents, I think it is lovely to give a token, and you should just give whatever you can afford at the time. We had a big party last year and one friend gave a book she'd got at the market, and a well off friend gave a big set of Bob toys. We opened all the presents at home and I tried to get my son to regard them all equally. He was asked to the party of a child who'd given him quite an expensive book, but the invitation said, "No presents please". I asked the parents if they really meant it, and they said she had too many toys which she did not appreciate, just bring a card, so we chose a big card with a badge. I like teaching him to give presents as well as receive them, so I would be sorry if a no gifts or cash-please custom developed. If you give a birthday card, write inside what present you have given, so they appreciate who it is from. We had 4 gifts which we could not identify, and I had to ask the parents the next week!

[susanmt]

She's only 2+4 months, but the mother of the party girl is her childminder. I don't want to get in the way??

[Jaybee]

Susanmt - I think I would stay, even though the mum is your childminder and is used to your dd she will have so much to do that she may not have the time to watch her as well usual. Could you offer to help? I am sure that your assistance in the kitchen would be gratefully received - there are endless little jobs that take the pressure off the mum and let her enjoy her child's party. At least that way you will be there but not watching over dd.

[Azzie]

In that case, ask her childminder what she thinks, and if she would welcome some help. She knows your daughter, and also knows whether or not she will have time to deal with any crises that occur. At your dd's age I think I would stay. Certainly at most of the 3yo parties I've been to with ds and now dd, mums stayed - it was at the 4yo parties that people seemed to start leaving their children.

[Tinker]

I would stay at that age. It was only when my daughter was nearly 5 that I could leave her and that was after a bit of a talking to because I noticed I was one of the few mothers who stayed - if I can't go you can't go kind of thing. Aren't I horrible?

Cityfreak - I agree with you about the importance of learning to give as well as receive, and that it would be a shame if things did just become an exchange of money (which would be even more difficult for less well-off parents). To be honest, most kids aren't aware of the value of presents anyway, and would be happy with felt-tips and coloured paper.

[Paula1]

I can remember being about 6 (I think) and I would not stay at any party without my mum - I just used to throw the present in the door and run after my mum!! So, if you think you should stay with her - do it!

[susanmt]

We went to the party today. I spent £10 on the present and stayed. It was a sucess, and dd had great fun, plus I was able to help, so that was a bonus.
Thanks for all your tips!!

[Eulalia]

We are thinking of hiring a soft play area for a party for our son who will be 3 next month. It costs £30 for one and half hours and you provide your own food. This is cheap compared to other venues like this where they generally expect you to eat their food and can cost about £5 per head.

My husband says we should put ?no presents? on the invitation as he thinks that our son will just get too much things he doesn?t want/need. He also thinks that present exchanging has got out of hand and it is too much of a burden for some who can?t afford it but feel obliged to in these circumstances. I am in two minds about this. I thought a present was given to ?pay back? the family for forking out for a party and of course the child enjoys receiving a present. However as the party isn't going to cost much maybe this doesn't apply. Also I don't think he is old enough yet to know he has missed out on not getting a present. What have others done in these circumstances? I?ve been to parties where kids (who obviously have too much already) receive huge expensive presents. Sometimes I feel like one should be giving something to charity instead. Could I maybe put at limit at say £5 for a present instead as a compromise or is it vulgar to state an actual amount? I noticed further down this thread that someone suggested a token which may be a good idea as a big toy from somewhere like the Early Learning Centre may be better for him than lots of litte things.

The thing is that I know we will be going to some parties ourselves and if we were to apply this principle to our son we would have to follow that and that would mean giving no presents. I don?t know if this would go down well. Help?!

[WideWebWitch]

Eualia, I agree that many children seem to get too much and that the whole present thing is often out of hand. However, IMO it would be mean to ask other children not to bring presents both for them - not sure whether they get much joy in giving at this age but my ds did to an extent - and for your ds. And I know what you mean about not wanting to state an amount on the invites. Could you ask the parents who are coming (when they rsvp maybe) to just get a token small present since you know that ds will get plenty and you don't want it to get obscene given the starving children in the world etc? IME, many parents ask for an idea of what to get.

I would say stick with giving presents when you go to parties but go for something small and cheap that will still be appreciated. One of my ds's favourite presents last year was a whoopee cushion which cost 99p. And you thought mentioning money was vulgar

[ScummyMummy]

Eulalia, I agree with WWW. I think giving presents is a pretty unbreakable tradition, really, no matter how much we'd like to control what is given and how much is spent! I wouldn't be surprised if some people just ignored such an instruction anyway. And it does have it's upsides- kids like giving and getting gifts and opening them can be a useful breather in a hectic party atmosphere. Could you persuade your son to "clear a space" for his new toys by selecting some of his old toys to give to the charity shop, stressing the fact that some kids aren't as lucky as he is?

[tigermoth]

Yes, I agree. Present-giving is part and parcel of children's parties - excuse the pun.

If you want alternatives to yet more toys, how about suggesting to the givers that their child makes something very simple for your son - obviously with some adult help - ie a collage picture, some home made sweets, a seedling planted in a pot etc. If you have a garden, perhaps you could set a space aside for your son and suggest seeds and plants as gifts?

Alternatively, if you don't think this is too mercenary, you could suggest a small money gift, so that you can put it in a savings account or use it on a bigger toy later in the year.

Whatever you do, I think it's a good idea to suggest a few alternatives, then those who don't have much time to shop for a toy can feel guilt-free about popping some money in an envelope, and those who want to make something can do so, while the traditionalists can still get your little boy a small toy gift.

IME, once the party is in full swing, who gave what is soon forgotten!

[Eulalia]

Thanks for the advice. The irony is that DS doesn't have a lot of toys anyway. We aren't very well off and most of his stuff is 2nd hand. I think some of it just the general clutter of toys not played with often that DH is objecting too although I do put some away and rotate them from time to time. In general it does him good as he loves going to playgroup as they have big toys there that he doesn't have at home. I have a friend whose son is very spoiled and he doesn't go to the playgroup anymore because he is bored with the toys there! Anyway straying off the subject - I may ask for books/colouring books etc as they can be stored easily and are 'good' for him. I guess it would be OK to state this on the invite. I don't want to wait for people to ask me as they may not and get him something big and expensive which we can't reciprocate!

[Eulalia]

oh and tigermoth - I think some of your ideas are very good. He is probably still a bit young yet for some of these things (still being somewhat destructive). I will bear them in mind for the future though.