Do you love your husband more or kids more

(128 Posts)
mommytobe234 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:21:13

Just curious to know , plus i am bored. Thanks

cantpooinpeace Sun 04-Aug-13 23:25:09

Kids, they're a part of me. I love my DH but love the kids on a whole different levelsmile

XBenedict Sun 04-Aug-13 23:26:50

Yep, my children. I love DH dearly but like the previous poster says my children are a part of me in a way DH isn't.

AlteredState Sun 04-Aug-13 23:45:27

Definitely kids. As an aside, I once asked my mum as a teenager if she had to choose between her children or her husband who would she choose. She said she couldn't choose and I was stunned then tried to debate with her about the "part of me" aspect mentioned by previous posters. She still couldn't choose. Now having become a parent myself I would would always choose dd.

My children. There is nothing that could make me not love them unconditional love is very true

mommytobe234 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:52:41

Am i the only one who love her husband more ?
God. Now i am really feeling guilty.

BitBewildered Sun 04-Aug-13 23:53:53

Kids. There is no contest.

mummysbigsmiles Sun 04-Aug-13 23:54:06

Most certainly my child!!

morethanpotatoprints Sun 04-Aug-13 23:55:17

mummytobe

I love my dh as much as kids. I don't love any of them more than the other.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sun 04-Aug-13 23:55:26

momytobe234 have you got kids ore are you pregnant?

Nagoo Sun 04-Aug-13 23:55:41

I think that ideally you'd love the DH more, because he'll still be there when your DC are grown ups. If he is a good man and you are a parenting team then you have the holy grail, as you would both do whatever you could for the good of the DC.

I love my DC more.

BadRoly Sun 04-Aug-13 23:55:55

When the dc were younger, I would have said them but now I'm not so sure tbh. It's a very different 'love' I think.

I wonder if it was to do with protecting my babies when they were smaller whereas now I'm going into getting them more independent mode grin (with varying success)

Or perhaps I can see them leaving me/us and selfishly I'm looking after my own interests with dh so putting us/him as a higher priority?

dontlaugh Sun 04-Aug-13 23:56:54

Love both very much, but I'd give up my life for my children. And would kill anyone who hurt them, in a way I don't think I would for DH.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sun 04-Aug-13 23:57:57

Badroly makes a good point!

Yawner247 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:58:11

Definitely DCs smilefollowed closely by dog I mean DH!!

KnittedWaffle Sun 04-Aug-13 23:59:35

If I had a H it would still definitely be my DC!

Yawner247 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:59:45

Posted too soon....do you have a greater love for any of your DCs?! My DM always said her first born is a different kind of love to me or my youngest sis!!!!shock

cantpooinpeace Mon 05-Aug-13 00:03:23

No!
Love them equally but for very different reasons grin

thornrose Mon 05-Aug-13 00:04:00

I can't imagine loving anyone in the same way I love my child. It's more of an unconditional love I feel.

I can think of scenarios that would make me fall out of love with a partner. I can't think of many scenarios that would make me fall out of love/walk away from my child.

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 00:04:48

BillyGoatintheBuff
One is a teen and other is 8 years old.

K8Middleton Mon 05-Aug-13 00:07:00

Dc - love is unconditional
Dh - love is conditional

Other than that it's so different that comparisons are fairly pointless. The ancient Greeks had it right with all their different types of love.

BillyGoatintheBuff Mon 05-Aug-13 00:08:02

I think my love for them varies over different days confused

But generally speaking my love for them both is equal.

Floralnomad Mon 05-Aug-13 00:10:53

I agree with thornrose , there are definitely scenarios where I would leave my husband but I can't ever imagine walking away from my children .

PerchedOnMyPeddleStool Mon 05-Aug-13 00:11:34

My children.
No contest.

I have a respect for my husband, I love him, need him to be my equal, my friend, I desire him. It's a selfishness.

I don't need anything from my children. I have no expectations of them. It's a pure love.

chattychattyboomba Mon 05-Aug-13 00:14:55

My daughter of course! This has been done a few times but I just don't see how it's humanly possible to love anything or anyone more than your own child.
I would die for her....
The day she was born I looked at DH and said 'I love her more than you! Is that horrible?'
He said 'of course not! I should hope you do!'
And that settled that.

kiwik Mon 05-Aug-13 00:17:21

My DH. We have to love one another long after the children will have grown up and moved out.
I adore my children, but love my DH.

Although if I really had to choose it would be the cat...

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 00:18:32

chattychattyboomba
On the side note. I remember seeing a survey in which 75 % of the fathers said, they would choose their wives over their kids.

Maybe its different for men ?

clam Mon 05-Aug-13 00:27:03

At this precise moment, none of them. They're all doing my head in.

chattychattyboomba Mon 05-Aug-13 00:43:23

Mommytobe, definitely different for men! A mother's love is like no other!

I love the DC more, much more.
DH says he loves us all the same smile

ravenAK Mon 05-Aug-13 01:26:13

Kids. Obviously.

Given limited seats in a hypothetical lifeboat after the Titanic went down, say, I'd kick dh out without hesitation to allow room for the dc.

The fact that he would think this entirely reasonable (& drag me out of the same lifeboat to save the kids with equal lack of hesitation) is one of the reasons why I do love him.

I think if he loved me more than the dc, I'd find that quite weird & really rather chilling.

We are two adults who chose each other - & to be blunt wouldn't've ever ended up together if, for example, my previous dh hadn't died, or if dh hadn't happened to finish with his ex-gf a few months before he & I met - either of us could quite easily now be married to someone else.

However much we love each other -each of us is one of several possibilities in the other's life.

Whereas my children are my flesh & blood - it's a visceral connection, totally different to any I might have with a partner (even their dad!).

Longdistance Mon 05-Aug-13 01:30:19

My dds. Dh can be more of a pain in the arse than my dds, and they're 2 and 4.

He's like a third child, but harder work.

WinkyWinkola Mon 05-Aug-13 01:30:31

Different kind of love.

But dh is an adult. If the dcs need me/us, they come first.

So if there's a fire/water problem, dh and I are responsible for ourselves and saving the dcs. Not each other at the cost of the dcs.

SummerRain Mon 05-Aug-13 01:31:43

The kids.

As does he, we've had this conversation between ourselves.

It wouldn't even be a choice, my kids are my flesh and blood, I'd protect them with my life. I'd be devastated to lose dp but I wouldn't die for him, whereas I'd die for my children.

If it was a choice between saving them or saving him it wouldn't even be a choice tbh, he'd be dead.

NoComet Mon 05-Aug-13 01:33:37

I need DH more than my DDs, one day they will leave home and I hope he'll still be here.

I married my first love and my best friend, it's a different sort of love to that I have for my DDs.

NoComet Mon 05-Aug-13 01:34:36

I'm not sure I'd die for any of them, I'm scared of dying.

BeyonceCastle Mon 05-Aug-13 01:45:11

Love them all but if God forbid I am ever given the choice between saving my husband or saving my kids I'm saving the kids or dying trying.

This is a deal-breaker and DH would do the same albeit with his caveate that if it's between the two of us then he saves me as the kids need me more. Which I don't agree with as he is by far the more patient parent but he thinks I would cope better wink

He was also told that if there was a choice between saving me or DC3 when giving birth I wanted him to save DC3 (who is fine btw and bf along merrily) to which he pointed out: that's all well and good but what will DC1 and DC2 do without you? As it happens I daresay that medical staff are trained to save who they can best save full stop.

As a parent you want your children to survive you. That's a fierce protective instinct not even unconditional love. It just is. You'd fight tigers for your kids. My dh is always at pains to remind me that if a plane goes down you do the oxygen on yourself first to better rescue your offspring. We were taught the same kind of risk assessment at St.John's - if you suspect danger from fumes for example you steer clear as you cannot save someone if you need saving yourself...

Can kind of understand why Kate Winslett and her ex husband used to fly separately so if plane crashed there was always a parent left over.

This is cheery isn't it?! grin

DaleyBump Mon 05-Aug-13 01:52:01

I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant and already love the little wriggly boy in my belly more than anything. I don't think my DP would understand that, especially since he's not actually born yet grin can't wait until he's here!!

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 05-Aug-13 02:11:05

DC's without a doubt - as K8Middleton said - love for DC's is unconditional where as love for DH is conditional.

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 05-Aug-13 02:13:55

Badroly makes a very good point though...I wonder if the feelings will change as the DC's grow up and leave home.

AnxiousAugusta Mon 05-Aug-13 02:24:09

I love DH and DD equally and think some of you sound like loons

princessbliss2 Mon 05-Aug-13 09:38:00

In reading the comments of those who say they love their children more, I am utterly shocked. With out that man, whom I can honestly say I hope you love passionately and deeply enough to have create a child with him, there would be no child! I am glad to see the comments about the love being "different" therefore not loving one over the . For me, yes, I love my daughter so incrediably much, that sometimes it surprises me that this little person holds so much of my love. That being said, however, it DOES NOT diminish my love for my husband in the slightest. This is the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with, the one person that I trust enough to embark on the incrediable journey of parenthood with. How could that not infact, make my love for him swell and grow? I love my daughter as her mother, but I love my husband as his wife. Two completely different and seperate parts of my life that come together to make up who I am as a person. In the end your children will leave you. From day one that is what you are raising them in preperation for. After they are gone the one person that will remain is your husband. So love him, not more, but differently and respect that love for what it is!

peteypiranha Mon 05-Aug-13 09:41:55

I love them all the same. My dh because he is like the other part of a jigsaw piece that fits with me. Hes my best friend, we have grown up together and I have spent no part of my adult life without him. Hes been there through everything, and I love and lust over him as much as the day I first set eyes on him. We provide a solid family unit which I had with my own family, and has helped me have a great marriage and always feel secure so he is just as important as our children.

The children I love the same as dh, and as dh no favourites here. They have totally different personalities, but have things I love in both of them.

mummysbigsmiles Mon 05-Aug-13 10:54:04

grin StarBallBunny

middleclassdystopia Mon 05-Aug-13 10:55:01

I love mine the same but differently.

I wouldn't choose dh over dc though. If they needed saving of course I would save dc first. I think losing dc would destroy me more than losing dh.

But, dc will leave and lead their own life (hopefully) and whilst I will still be there dh will always be by my side, my companion.

Bowlersarm Mon 05-Aug-13 10:57:29

Love my DH more probably.

But would die for my kids.

It's a different love, not really comparable.

motherinferior Mon 05-Aug-13 10:57:36

Most of us have a series of different partners. Children, not so much.

AnxiousAugusta Mon 05-Aug-13 11:31:57

Eh? Most people (not me) have more than one child. Do they love one child more than the others?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyonceCastle Mon 05-Aug-13 11:42:51
milkymocha Mon 05-Aug-13 11:45:06

I love my children more most definitely.
DP says he loves me more hmm

Backhanded compliment.

BeyonceCastle Mon 05-Aug-13 11:46:20

Lunatic I am so sorry sad flowers
My link was to AnxiousAugusta in light of her question and was a silly mash article.
Would not have posted it had I seen yours.
Hugs.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flossy101 Mon 05-Aug-13 11:56:42

My husband tells me he loves me and DS equally. I tell him I love DS more.

I love my husband, but I couldn't image loving anyone more than DS. Maybe when he isn't so small, cute and cuddly and has left home I might feel differently!

mrsravelstein Mon 05-Aug-13 11:59:59

kids, no question of it.

i remember my mum when i was about 9 telling me she'd rescue my dad from a fire before us kids, because she could always have more kids. bizarre!

AnxiousAugusta Mon 05-Aug-13 12:42:58

"My husband tells me he loves me and DS equally. I tell him I love DS more"

how nice of you to tell your husband that hmm

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:36:43

Mrs
I dont find it bizzare though

lola88 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:49:23

I love them both in such different ways it's hard to say who I love more, I feel more protective and responsible for the kids so they would come first but i still love DP as much as them.

My gran once told me that once your kids have gone to have their own lives you have your partner left so remember that when your love for your child consumes your life when they are little you need to keep your partner up there too. I try to remember that

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:50:05

Flossy
How did your husband react after hearing your confession ?

chattychattyboomba Mon 05-Aug-13 19:51:06

AnxiousAugusta- lighten up. I'm sure her DH isn't that sensitive.

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 19:57:46

Lola

I agree with you completely .your grandma was a wise woman.

mrsravelstein Mon 05-Aug-13 20:00:02

well you might want to not share those views with your small children as it doesn't do much for parent child relations, in my experience smile

MrsBungle Mon 05-Aug-13 20:00:19

I love my dh very much - certainly as much as anyone else loves their partner. I count myself lucky everyday that I have him.

However, my love for my children is almost animalistic. I'd do anything for them. I love them totally unconditionally. I wouldn't say my love for dh is totally unconditional.

If I could save my kids or my dh I would definitely save the kids and I would expect dh to save them over me.

WaitingForMe Mon 05-Aug-13 20:05:08

It's different. I adore DS but with both him and my DSSs it's my job to teach them independence and ultimately leave us. I feel they're borrowed. I cherish what I have knowing it keeps changing. We were at a wedding this weekend and DSS1 stayed up dancing while DH took DSS2 and DS to bed. He needed to know I was there but he was off partying. I was so proud but equally missed the little boy who used to need me in close proximity.

DH on the other hand is mine. He is my balance and my partner. We will be together until one of us dies. We've both been married before and we know that we have something special. I know DH will always love me but I'll need to be a great MIL to the boys' future partners to keep their love. My MIL was very silly and basically made DH choose between me and her. I'll never be that stupid.

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 20:06:03

kiwik
In my case , dog definately

mommytobe234 Mon 05-Aug-13 20:14:18

Bingo

hardboiledpossum Tue 06-Aug-13 08:42:20

Ds most definitely. If dp left me or died, i would be devastated but in time i would move on. I don't think i would ever move on from the death if my child.

Cheeseatmidnight Tue 06-Aug-13 08:56:51

My dd - dp would say the same and be shocked if I said him

motherinferior Tue 06-Aug-13 09:13:18

Well, you might not have your partner left. You might have gone off them. They might have become frightfully boring. You might quite reasonably come to the conclusion that they have been a great co-parent but now you want to move on. The thing about adult relationships is that we can make decisions - we are not mindlessly welded to that other person (as the fact that four in 10 marriages end in divorce demonstrates). The thing about parenthood is that you are mindlessly welded to that other person.

Poledra Tue 06-Aug-13 09:30:28

As lots of people said, it's a very different love. My love for DH is conditional - it's conditional on him keeping the promises he made to me to forsake all others, for example. My love for my DCs is not conditional. But I do recognise that DH and I will, hopefully, be together for years after the DCs have left home and made their own families.

I remember watching some disaster movie one night ('The Happening', if it's important grin) and one of the main characters leaves his daughter with someone else to go and try to rescue his wife. DH said to me 'Sorry love, but if that ever happens to us, you're on your own. I'm staying with the children to protect and look after them. You're a grown woman, I just don't get this leaving to children to try and rescue another adult.' And I understood that perfectly smile

cory Tue 06-Aug-13 09:39:23

Don't see why I have to choose: nobody asks me whether I would save dd or ds in a fire.

The answer would always be that I would save the one who needed saving and ask the others to make their own way out.

I love them all, each in a special unique way. But would protect whoever needed protecting at the time, and it's unlikely that that would always be the same person.

countrymummy13 Tue 06-Aug-13 10:14:02

Oh my God my children without a second doubt.

And DH feels the same. It's how it should be. IMO anyway.

DH and I have a strong bond and love which has grown and evolved. Our love for one another relies on our mutual respect for one other. It's not quite earnt, bit it could certainly be unearnt.

My DCs on the other hand don't have to do anything to earn my love. And nothing they could ever do would stop me living them so wholly and completely with every fibre of my body.

Plus, I am constantly wiping my DCs dirty backsides without so much as a flinch. Thinking of doing the same for DH makes me want to chuck!! (surely that's real love?!)

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 10:14:49

saw a thread like this in AIBU once. It didn't end well.

countrymummy13 Tue 06-Aug-13 10:15:03

Oh dear - so many typos!!!! Hopefully you get the drift!

shockers Tue 06-Aug-13 10:33:34

I love them equally, but differently.

I don't think I'd like my children to consider being 'favourites', I like the fact that we all adore each other as family.

daytoday Tue 06-Aug-13 10:42:47

I don't love anyone in the same way - so it can't be measured.

I even tell my kids I love them differently to each other - in a unique way from each other. Not better or worse - just differently! My mum told me this and I loved it. I am in no way jealous of any of my siblings and wasn't growing up - as we knew we were unique. In fact, i don't really feel jealous as I know nothing in life is really and truly comparable. i think its to do with feeling uniquely loved. What a wonderful thing for a young child to feel.

I'd hate if love were something you could measure - like in jug.

However, I simply wouldn't want to live without my kids

navada Tue 06-Aug-13 10:48:33

My children. My dh gets on my nerves most of the time.

LalyRawr Tue 06-Aug-13 10:48:47

For me, it's if the house was burning down, who would I run in it for?

Answer is DD the cat then OH.

If there was ever a choice, DD would always come first.

LaRosaBella Tue 06-Aug-13 10:59:57

My DD, I can't express how much I love her. I love my DP but there's no comparison to how I feel about my daughter, but she's still a baby so maybe it changes in time?

FlappingRobyn Tue 06-Aug-13 11:08:55

All the same, we r a family. I love each equally, everyone in our family is loved, respected and listened too equally.

matana Tue 06-Aug-13 16:29:39

I would kill anyone who harmed either my DH or my DS. Before DS i would have said i would die for DH, but i can no longer say that as my priority is to be here for as long as possible to keep DS happy, healthy and safe. It's a very primal instinct i think, to protect your child at all costs.

My love for each is totally different and for that reason is completely impossible to compare. My love for DS is all-consuming and totally unselfish because it's unconditional. It hurts me physically to think of a life without him.

But on the way into work this morning i was in floods of tears at the thought of life without DH (he's had some blood tests). I can no more bear the thought of life without DH than i can life without DS - it's just pain that hurts in different ways.

butterflyexperience Tue 06-Aug-13 21:28:38

I love my family smile

princessbliss2 Wed 07-Aug-13 06:28:21

Still can't understand how can someone love their kids more than their husbands. Why one has to be more than the other in a healthy family ?

Rosa Wed 07-Aug-13 06:43:44

I love the lot of them.....no more no less

TheYamiOfYawn Wed 07-Aug-13 06:50:19

I think that Countrymummy summed up my feelings. I choose to love DP, but I don't get a choice with the children. If DP treated me the way the children sometimes do, I would probably leave him.

On the other hand, the children currently need me more than DP does, so I wonder if as they get older and more independent the love with change and become more of an adult relationship of choice. Most adults I know have somewhat problematic relationships with at least one parent, so it seems likely.

windywoo26 Wed 07-Aug-13 07:02:12

It is a completely different kind of love. I love my DS completely without condition, that will never change. I love my DH because of who he is and what he has chosen to give me. I choose to be with him and him with me and that is completely different to the love I have for my DS.

It is true that I could live without DH whereas I am not sure I could ever cope if something happened to my DS.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Wed 07-Aug-13 07:29:38

Dc (older teenagers) , stroppy, half out of the door, and they owe me nothing, but its them. loving them from an emotional distance. A change from the very involved love whwn they were younger. Dh its respect and care sort of love.

Growlithe Wed 07-Aug-13 07:31:28

You don't quantify love in this way. All relationships are different but let's say you could compare them all the same way. There is no need to have a pie chart of love and you couldn't anyway, because it's ever expanding.

When I was a child, I loved my mum and dad, and also my siblings, more than anything else in the world. I couldn't imagine life without them. But when I fell in love DH, I loved him just as massively. I had lost my mum by then, but my love for her and my dad and my siblings hadn't gone away or decreased. Then I had the DCs - and again none of those loves I had before diminished. There was just more love.

As for who would you save, that's a bit of a daft question because there would be all sorts of physical factors involved. You wouldn't be coldly weighing it up like 'well, DH will be with me longer, but DC has longer to live'. You would just do what you could.

filee777 Wed 07-Aug-13 07:41:14

I love them all equally in that they all have the whole of my love, I consider their needs each day and we muddle on through together, when it comes to saving one, I would definitely save the children, as would husband but I think that evolutionary survival thing is different to day to day love.

My children I can spend most of the day with without loosing the plot but I need space from them, I never need space from my other half.

I look at my children and see my husband and vice versa. We are all a family and I love my family. I don't think there is any need to put values on it.

princessbliss2 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:43:59

@Growlithe

Great answer. I feel the same way

frogwatcher42 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:46:45

My kids. No doubt. Even though they are now older.

I do love dh but there is no way it is as much as my dc. He feels the same and I am happy about that.

princessbliss2 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:53:15

mommy2be

Why are you not responding ?

LynetteScavo Wed 07-Aug-13 11:53:51

When I was little, maybe about 7yo I asked my mum if there was a disaster, and she had to chose between saving me and my Grandma (her MIL), who would she choose? She refused give an answer, she told me she didn't know.

It's always bothered me a bit, especially since being a parent. I can tell you if it came between saving my DC and my MIL, I'd be saving my DC grin

I would die for my DD, I would kill for them in fact. I love DH in needy way, though.

But, yes, I love my DC more than anything in the world.

ZingWidge Wed 07-Aug-13 12:03:03

completely different kind of love, but I would die for any of them.

princessbliss2 Wed 07-Aug-13 12:13:13

Hmm.

CatWithKittens Wed 07-Aug-13 13:53:08

I agree with everybody who has said you love your DH and Dc in a different way not in different amounts and that love expands to include new arrivals as they come- we've had 5 so I speak from some experience. In a crisis I know my DH, who is a soldier's son and was reared on the story of the Birkenhead and "women and children first", would not want me to try to save him before the children, and would be furious if I tried, so I don't have that problem!

princessbliss2 Thu 08-Aug-13 23:04:38

Side note : I can live without my kids ( teenagers and ready to leave ) but i can't live without my husband ( married for 25 years)

princessbliss2 Mon 12-Aug-13 22:15:11

bump

Dcs, no contest. My love for them is unconditional, my love for dp is conditional - if he treated me badly I would eventually stop loving him.

Quaffle Tue 13-Aug-13 17:48:41

Kids. How could anyone feel differently???

Platinumstart Tue 13-Aug-13 18:11:02

I love DH and my DC but there is no question that my DC come first - I would save them first without a doubt and if DH dared save me before our DC I don't think I'd ever speak to him again.

Frankly as much as I love my husband I find all this "i can't live without my DH" stuff weird.

BigDomsWife Tue 13-Aug-13 19:47:17

Well, I cant live without my DH. I love my Husband, Daughter and Son equally and if that makes me 'weird' then so be it.

Platinumstart Wed 14-Aug-13 09:32:48

Bigdomswife so if your husband left/died what would happen? You'd kill yourself?

sparklebabe Wed 14-Aug-13 09:51:36

Was just reading this and a thought popped into my head, when kids are older and they leave and sometimes maybe visit once a year. How will that work, do children not love their parents unconditionally in return? I don't have children but was just thinking about elderly people I know whose kids never visit and after reading this feel even sadder about their lack of visits. Must be very lonely sad Going to pop in to my elderly neighbours more often!

sparklebabe Wed 14-Aug-13 10:11:03

I didn't mean that in a negative way or anything was just really thinking about my nan and some elderly neighbours

Chivetalking Wed 14-Aug-13 10:19:59

Kids.

Not even close.

nulgirl Wed 14-Aug-13 10:31:02

Agree with the other posters who say kids as the love is unconditional. Partners can do lots of shitty things that can cause the love to end. There is nothing that my dc c

nulgirl Wed 14-Aug-13 10:32:22

Could do which would stop me loving them - even though at times I don't like them.

Bluegrass Wed 14-Aug-13 10:43:08

It is interesting to see how some people talk about love for their children being unconditional, and how nothing could possibly ever change that. Then you read the many threads on here about broken down dysfunctional relationships with parents, bitterness, hatred, emotional abuse etc etc. And i expect a lot of those parents felt exactly the same way once.

The truth is it is very easy to feel that way about little children, evolution has done a pretty good job of making us feel overwhelmingly protective of them (partly by making it such bloody hard work raising them).

Adult relationships, all adult relationships (including those between parents and their offspring) are complicated and often messy. I don't think those relationships are unconditional, they just feel that way when you have a little child's face beaming up at you.

All relationships need work and effort if they are to remain good over a lifetime. A little child may make you feel that overwhelming sense of love that almost blocks out everything else, but it is the love between me and DP that forms the backdrop to that relationship, and that relationship continues to grow and strengthen as each year passes.

So ultimately, I love them both enormously and will do all that I can on my part to keep that love going. Hopefully DP (and DS when he is old enough to think about this stuff) will too.

I think that is an extremely good post bluegrass . What you say is probably true and something I may see as my dc get bigger.

proudmama22 Wed 14-Aug-13 22:07:09

Personally, I find it bizarre to not love your spouse more than your children. That's not to say I don't love my kids, I love them far more than my own life. But I married my husband with the idea of being with him forever.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Wed 14-Aug-13 22:10:34

Definitely my children. It feels unconditional. I would die for them.

exoticfruits Wed 14-Aug-13 22:13:54

These threads seem to keep cropping up- I find it very odd that people have to quantify love. They are two different kinds of love- why not just leave it at that? They are not something to compare.

proudmama22 Wed 14-Aug-13 22:37:33

Firstly, I believe that we fall deeply in love with our babies and our young families. But speaking as a mother of older children – I have come full circle to know that my love for my husband is above and beyond that for my children. But that is because I am seeing them for the individuals that they have grown into and will soon enter the world as. Not as the babies and young ones dependent upon me for life. I love my children dearly and deeply – but I have returned to the original state of the union with my husband where I have remembered where and why it all began. Between the two of us and our love for each other. The kids will grow and move away – and the relationship with my husband will be on the forefront of my mind. It ishe that I will pass the days with while my children grow and live their own lives and createtheir own families. I remember as a child asking my mother if she loved me more than my father. I remember feeling jealous of that relationship. But now – I hope to God she doesn’t feel that way. I hope that her love for my father is astoundingly greater than her love for me. Otherwise – I couldn’t bear the thought that I have been so incredibly busy with my own family now to have neglected such a love. I am quite sure that tho she adores me and her grandchildren – the love for my father is the ultimate in her life. Well – second to her faith… Also – in saying that our love for our children is greater than for our spouse – does it not then open the dialogue to – “Are our children then supposed to love their parents with a greater love than their spouse?” Of course not. We want our children to be free to love their spouses with their whole hearts. So why would their be an expectation for us to love them more than our spouse? Finally, I believe that men love their children completely- but their wives with a much deeper abandon than we as women could ever understand. Men love their wives with an intensity – that we often don’t realize. My husband is over 50 – we’ve raised a 25yo, 17yo, 15yo, 13 yo and 11yo – he loves his children deeply – but he is passionate about the day that the two of us will be alone and he will have my undivided attention like in our beginning. When a man chooses his spouse it is with intention of sharing a life side by side with his soulmate. The kids are part of the package. (Well at least that is how my husband has explained it to me…) I hope that my husband and I have communicated our love for each other in such a manner that my children feel compelled to want the same for themselves. Each night I pray for the individuals that they will share their lives and love with – even though we haven’t met them yet.

exoticfruits Thu 15-Aug-13 08:32:09

I agree proudmamma. You get your DCs for such a short time - you then have decades, hopefully, with DH and the last thing an adult DC wants is a parent who lives through them. Half the problem seen on here with MILs is because they still want to be 'number 1' when clearly they are not.

exoticfruits Thu 15-Aug-13 08:32:43

But you can't list it in order of importance- it is different.

cory Thu 15-Aug-13 09:03:45

I don't get why we are so strongly discouraged from grading our love for our children (do you love your daughter more than your son is hardly a question encouraged on MN), but that we are continously being asked to grading our affections for partner and children.

As for the acccident scenatio: part of my love for my children is seeing them grow every day closer to adults who with adult feelings of responsibility and adult attitudes of looking after those weaker than themselves. If there was a ghastly accident I wouldn't expect dd who is 16 to sit around passively waiting to be rescued, I'd expect her to make an evaluation as to whether she needed rescuing, could rescue herself or was in a state to become one of the rescuers, just like I would do myself. Just because I once pushed her out of my womb, she is not an alien species to me: she is very similar and has similar feelings of love and responsibility. If she saw me or dh seriously injured, she would no doubt try to help because that is what adults do. And I would expect it because I want her, for her own sake, to be a responsible adult, not an eternal child.

I'd imagine this question comes up regularly because, to us parents of young children, the strength of love I have for my dc is still surprising and new, so something to think about.

Before I had dd1 I genuinely couldn't imagine loving anyone more than dp or the dog (yes, I know). Then dd1 came along and my whole capacity to love increased.

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 15-Aug-13 10:22:40

It's a totally different kind of love. With DCs I think its easy to mistake protectiveness for love, they need us more than another adult would, so all the talk about who you would save in a fire etc doesn't really demonstrate love, its more about responsibility and age-appropriate assistance. I would help out my youngest as I would expect the others to be able to help themselves more easily, that doesn't mean I love her more.

I crave my DP and I am more likely to bend over backwards to make him happy. If it came down to sharing my last Rolo, I would give it to him but probably not to my DCs (I feel awful admitting that!)

But I accept that nobody could never replace my DCs in my affections, whereas if my relationship with DP ended, I would get over it and hopefully meet someone else who would take up that role.

91chloejp Sat 24-Aug-13 12:09:17

If I was given a choice to save DS or DH at gun point, DH would be dead. I'd cry but I'd be inconsolable if DS died.

When I was pregnant with DS I asked DH if he was given a choice to choose who'd live out of the two of us, who would he pick and instantaneously, he chose me because "Losing you would destroy me more than losing a child I've never even met even though that's my flesh and blood".. I know now he'd pick our DC2 over me and I'd prefer to die and let my children live cause I've lived enough.

ourlittlestreet Sat 24-Aug-13 12:39:40

Kids no contest.

Jammee Sat 24-Aug-13 12:41:21

My mum said to me when I was growing up, "If you have to choose between saving your partner or your child save the partner because you can always have more children."

She has been single since my parents got divorced when I was 4yo. I guess her point was that you will love any child you have but finding a partner for life is not guaranteed and thus all the more special. My mum had three children but we weren't a source of comfort or companionship for her and we certainly didn't keep her warm at night.

I think that with young children who depend on you for everything you feel as though you love them more, but that is a mother's instinct. I haven't chosen to love my DD. I just do. I have chosen to be in a relationship with DH and don't automatically love him like you do your own child. I love him for who he actually is and not just because he is biologically related to me. I think a good partner is a gift and couldn't choose between DH or DD in terms of who I love most. I would save DD over DH because DD needs me and I'm responsible for her but that doesn't mean I love her more.

exoticfruits Sat 24-Aug-13 14:08:54

I thought this silly thread had died a death. I can only say that you are lucky not to have been in a real emergency-it simply doesn't give you chance of a choice of who to save. (not generally anyway)
I can't see why people need to put things in order, especially when they are entirely different.

ButteryJam Sat 24-Aug-13 14:16:46

My dd of course

meandtheboys Mon 26-Aug-13 20:09:33

I love my children in a different way to DH. I don't think it's something you can compare or measure against to be honest. I feel more protective over the children and would gladly lay my life down for either of them. I don't have that instinct to protect DH in the same way but the love is still there. Just a different type of love I suppose.

Having said that, I actually love my 2 children in very different ways. DS1 will always be my first born, the person who made me a mother. We get on as 'friends', we share the same sense of humour and I find him fascinating. DS2 will always be my baby. He's going to be the last one to call me mummy (DS1 has already moved on to 'Mum' <sob>). DS2 has DH's mannerisms and is very much a Daddy's boy...but I love him for it. He is sensitive and affectionate. I love how much he reminds me of DH and seeing them together just makes me so proud. I don't think you can really measure which one you love more.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 26-Aug-13 21:36:45

" I think that ideally you'd love the DH more, because he'll still be there when your DC are grown ups"

Er not necessarily! Especially in this day and age. Besides kids will always be there when grown ups too!

superstarheartbreaker Mon 26-Aug-13 21:41:10

I also find it a bit odd as to how you can compare sexual, romantic love with the love you feel for one's children. Romantic love often disintegrates unless you are very blessed but hopefully the love one has for one's offspring does not ever fade.
I chose to have my dd alone as I know that for me romantic love is not a given and can change very quickly. It was also more important for me at the time to have a child than a man although now I'd like both.

FrickingFracking Mon 26-Aug-13 21:52:21

I think the way of phrasing the question makes it hard to answer.

Whether you love one more than the other is a separate question to who you would save first.

I love my DH and my DC the same amount (ie. as much as I think it is possible to) albeit in different ways. I couldn't say I love one more than the other, it is just different.

That being said, which would I save if the boat were going down? My children, without hesitation. And I expect my DH to do the same, always prioritize the children over either of us.

The greatest way he could show me he loved me would be to protect my children first and foremost, even if that was at my own expense. He expects the same from me too.

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