Does anyone really want a second child?

(50 Posts)
Notsoyummymummy1 Tue 02-Jul-13 23:14:33

Literally everyone I talk to who has had a second child says they did so to give their first child a sibling. People keep telling me to have another one and their only reason is to give dd a playmate! I look at posts on Mumsnet about people agonising over whether to put themselves through it all again because they feel guilty for having an "only" child. I just really wonder does anyone ever have a second child for themselves or is it always for the benefit of the first born?

PearlyWhites Tue 02-Jul-13 23:16:58

I did and a third and fourth would now like a fifth .....

Cheeseatmidnight Tue 02-Jul-13 23:25:11

I have a 2.6 dd and everyone is asking me when number 2 is coming. I want another to have a larger family, but worry about impact on dd. I also worry about her being an only child.

I would love her to have company, but tbh I am a childminder and I am fully aware of how much children can clash.

steppemum Tue 02-Jul-13 23:26:45

well, it is about the whole family as well as the child.

But then the first child is also about turning you as a couple into a family in some way.

after ds, I did understand how you could be content with just one, in a way I had never understood before, as i got so much pleasure from him.

So when we came to number 2, I really wanted to do that again - the whole thing about meeting a new person and enjoying watching them develop.

and I did it again for dc3. Then I knew I didn't want to do it again, and part of that was the sense that as a family we were complete.

MortifiedAdams Tue 02-Jul-13 23:27:24

I would have been perfectly happy to leave dd as an only. I just one day decided I wanted another baby. I worry that those who decide to "have a sibling" will find it very hard if and when their kids dont get along.l together.

VanellopePitstop Tue 02-Jul-13 23:29:44

I desperately wanted a second, not just so that our eldest wouldn't be an only child at all.

I want baby #3 but we can't afford it in the long run I think, so only 2 for me.

kotinka Tue 02-Jul-13 23:31:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsei Tue 02-Jul-13 23:34:31

Well...if you'd asked me a few years ago, I'd have said that I wanted a sibling for dd. These days, I feel really wistful at how quickly dd is growing up and I just like the idea of having another baby. It looks increasingly unlikely in any case, and I am resigned to having one. sad

Fortunately, dd is very happy being an "only", and is never lonely as she has a whole army of friends to play with. She also benefits from all of the extra attention that an only child gets, and we can afford for her to do stuff that she probably couldn't do if we had other children. It would have been lovely for her to have had a sibling, but I'm not convinced that she is any worse off for not having one.

As for me, I'd still like another baby, but I even question that sometimes. We have been incredibly lucky with dd in so many ways, we're very happy as a family unit and I don't know if I'd want to risk that. I often wonder if we might have a very different experience of parenting second time around - and while having another child just like dd would be fantastic, they don't come with guarantees, do they?! Possibly a case of being careful what you wish for...

Cheeseatmidnight Tue 02-Jul-13 23:43:09

Ha ha jinsei, totally summed it up for me!

Jinsei Tue 02-Jul-13 23:46:32

smile Cheese

ByHecuba Tue 02-Jul-13 23:56:09

I would love a second child (though not quite yet). Having seen my DD's personality emerging, I can't wait to see who turns up next time. There is an aspect of wanting them to have each other to care about in later life, but of course there's no guarantee they'll get on.
It's not on that people are making you feel pressured though, OP.

stargirl1701 Wed 03-Jul-13 00:00:05

Oh yes. I do. DH does. It's been an adventure with DD but we would love another. God willing!

MollyMollyMolly Wed 03-Jul-13 00:09:47

I had a girl first and then 22 months later a little boy. I really wanted another child because I felt broody.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Wed 03-Jul-13 00:10:40

I have one DS and am totally happy with that. Have never really felt the need to provide him with a sibling or had a longing for another baby for myself. I sometimes see him being cute with a younger child and have a moment of "Awww" but it doesn't last!
I do get pissed off with people who say stuff like "JUST the one?" With raised eyebrows like its so extraordinary. It's not that unusual, fgs!

delasi Wed 03-Jul-13 00:22:16

hmm I genuinely didn't realise that people ever plan for a second child purely to give the first a sibling...

We currently have one child (under 1) but we are already talking about when we'll think about trying for our second. For no other reason than we both want another child and have always pictured our family containing at least two children (quite possibly three, ask me later!). I was actually more concerned that there could be a 'negative' impact on DS, by not being able to give him same attention/DC2 the kind of attention he has had to date, but MN has put my mind at rest on that topic smile

If for some reason we didn't have more children then I wouldn't be worried about DS not having playmates - apart from the fact that we know a lot of parents of young children, he has us grin and more to the point he will make friends at nursery/school when the time comes.

PleaseDoNotAdjustYourSet Wed 03-Jul-13 07:58:07

I'm 33+3 with dc2 and my primary reason wasn't necessarily to give dc1 a playmate. It was more a com inaction of feeling the family wasn't complete, dc1 to have a sibling / have each other, us wanting another child to love, and because we wanted the dynamics of our family to be 2 parents 2 children.

I don't believe that children will be friends for life necessarily just because they're siblings or close in as, although that would be wonderful if they were close like that.

PleaseDoNotAdjustYourSet Wed 03-Jul-13 07:59:53

Should read combination.

SanityClause Wed 03-Jul-13 08:06:01

I always wanted two girls, because my sister and I were very close. I remember how lovely it was with just the two of us, before my other four siblings came along.

So I wanted that for my family.

But, it didn't happen. I had my two girls, but DD1 has hated being part of a larger family, right from the start. She has bullied DD2, and it seems they are constantly bickering. We now also have DS, and DD2 and he gets along better with either than DD1 gets along with her siblings (unless she is in a mood to get along with them).

There is no reason why an only child should be lonely, and I would certainly not have further siblings to let them be friends, because they may well not be. Have them if you want them, but not for your existing child.

CPtart Wed 03-Jul-13 08:17:26

I never particularly wanted another child after DS 1 but did so because I thought I might regret it when older and also to give DS a sibling.

It has been far and away the single best decision we have ever made.

They are now 10 and 8. Some days they get on, some they don't, but to see their relationship develop is heart warming. Their little conversations in the back of the car, the younger asking the elder things, and the availability of another child to share experiences with of days out and family holidays with instead of hanging about with mum and dad all time.

Hard work and expensive childcare in the early days but so so worth it.

QTPie Wed 03-Jul-13 08:17:26

Yes, I am currently TTC no2 through IVF (first baby was a natural conception, this is the second IVF attempt for number 2).

I have three main reasons for no2:
- yes I would really like DS to have a sibling (not just from the playing point of view, but for support in later life)
- our family is great, but doesn't yet feel "complete".
- I would just (very madly) love to do it all again. DS is 3.5 and was an easy baby: I know that DC2 could very well shatter that "easy" illusion ;)

If I was younger, would probably want a 3rd, but I am 39 and struggling to conceive no2 - so no 3rd.

TheFallenNinja Wed 03-Jul-13 08:20:23

Yes. They will be the ground floor of my child benefit pyramid scheme smile

mrsravelstein Wed 03-Jul-13 08:23:45

yep i definitely wanted a 2nd, and 3rd, and would have had 4th if poss too

KnittedWaffle Wed 03-Jul-13 08:29:52

It never crossed my mind to have another baby so DD would have a sibling. DCs 2 and 3 were much wanted as babies with the added bonus of being siblings!

I feel like my baby-quota is complete now so don't want more, even though people go on about even numbers and middle child. plus I don't have anyone to provide the other half of the genes now!

beginnings Wed 03-Jul-13 08:31:27

I'm 29 weeks today and the primary reason was to give DD a sibling. Not so much for when she's little, she's another one with lots of friends, but more for the support in later life. I've watched both my parents care for elderly and very infirm parents and have appreciated the benefit of having more than one pair of hands to help with that.

Also I think we don't entirely feel complete. I'm certain I'm finished at two though. I genuinely don't care what gender this child is so I wouldn't be having another one to address that need.

I always thought I'd like more than two but I'm 36 and frankly, in my case, this pregnancy malarkey feels like it's a younger woman's game. I don't want to do it again.

TanglednotTamed Wed 03-Jul-13 08:45:04

I desperately wanted a second after my first. And then a third.

Now, I would 'quite like' a fourth, but we're not having one, and I'm okay with that.

I wanted each of my children for themselves.

RubyrooUK Wed 03-Jul-13 08:57:39

I wanted DS2 just for himself.

Both DH and I have siblings and like them, so we did like the idea of DS1 having a sibling, but mainly we wanted another one for us. DS1 has brought such joy to our family that we wanted to see who the next person to join would be.

And DS2 is SO different from DS1, I am really excited to get to know him too. DS1 was a really sensitive, emotional baby (and he still is very complex and emotional) whereas DS2 is just so happy-go-lucky and makes everyone laugh. And DS1 absolutely adores his little brother.

Anyway, the worst thing is that although both boys are horrendously hard work, I am pretty sure I want another one in a couple of years. Again, not really for the boys, although DS2 has been brilliant for DS1, but just because I like adding more people I love to my family.

badfaketan Wed 03-Jul-13 17:21:12

I desperately wanted a second and it couldn't have happened soon enough.It was definitely for me,not to give them a sibling.
I just thought having a baby and seeing them develop into a little person was the most amazing thing ever.
I've now got 3.
Although there are lots of benefits of having siblings I'm aware that I can't give each one enough attention.They are fairly close in age and all still quite needy in different ways.
We've talked about having a 4th and this would definitely be for us,not them.I don't think we will though but if we did I don't think their life would be improved by having another sibling.

cory Wed 03-Jul-13 18:03:39

I longed for dc 2 far more urgently and desperately than I longed for dc 1, to the point of almost breaking down in tears when my period came. All about me, never mind dd.

Dackyduddles Wed 03-Jul-13 18:07:57

I had second just for having her and I'm grateful every day. Tbh I think no1 wished I hadn't but hey ho she will get used to it!

perplexedpirate Wed 03-Jul-13 18:12:07

I feel like I'm the odd one for not wanting a second child. Doesn't interest me at all.
Will the broodiness come crashing down when it's all too late? confused

FunLovinBunster Wed 03-Jul-13 18:41:18

No. Never.

Lionessy Wed 03-Jul-13 18:55:19

I wanted a 2nd child purely for DD1 to have a sibling as she was a PITA with not sleeping/eating and went through an awful phase of hair pulling/biting everyone, even adults! There is no way I would have gone through that again for 'myself' grin, (she's lovely now in her own little way).

Unfortunately DD2 was stillborn then I immediately and unexpectedly got pregnant again with TWINS - gaahhhh.

I have since had another - purely selfishly as I wanted another one for myself.

If you had told me when DD1 was 2 that I would have ended up with 4 of the little blighters, well I would have never have believed it grin.

I wanted a second for a number of reasons, one being to give ds a sibling.

Belt Wed 02-Apr-14 15:34:01

Me and my husband have decided to have our second bubba for us. If I get pregnant within a year the minimum gap between our first son and the second will be 6 years... So they won't be play mates, really... I have always wanted the second one but a really bad PND out me off all these years. I do not want to regret not having another one when it is too late...
I cannot wait to be pregnant, healthy pregnant again.
X

Notsoyummymummy1 Wed 02-Apr-14 22:17:54

This is so spooky that this thread has started again at a time when this issue has once again reared its ugly head. DD is now two and four of the girls I know who were pregnant when I was are now expecting their second. DH and I both feel the same obligation to have a second to give DD a companion but neither of us can summon up any enthusiasm for doing it all again. We struggled through the baby stage and our once perfect relationship has definitely suffered, plus we are under financial strain due to my having to be a SAHM. I adore dd but to be honest it's only recently that I've started to enjoy being a mum, it's been a hard journey for me. I envy these women who seem to easily take the decision to have a second! People make a very strong case about why dd would benefit and it's hard to feel like I might be depriving her of something important if I don't do what I'm expected to do.

blacktreaclecat Wed 02-Apr-14 22:29:32

I don't think you should have another baby for your DD, it has to be because you want one, surely?
If you don't then don't. Being an only is fab smile
H and I were discussing this this evening. DS will probably remain an only for lots of reasons but I'm sad he's growing up so fast and I loved having a little baby.

nldm1 Wed 02-Apr-14 22:32:30

We did/do. Our DD was conceived because we wanted to have her and we just figured DS would deal with it. He did/does very well.
It's nice for kids to have siblings, in my opinion, but that didn't really factor in to our decision.
We knew from the get go, even before we had DS, that we didn't just want to have one.
We would love to have more as we feel the more kids we have, the more love, joy and happiness, but mother nature can be a cruel bitch...

notaflamingclue Thu 03-Apr-14 10:43:19

I'm 7+1 with DC2 and a big reason for the second was the same as beginnings and QTpie - for support in later life. My sis and I were not close at all as children, couldn't stand each other really. But we had to deal with the death of our mother whilst in our early 20s and since then we've been really close. I couldn't bear the idea of DC1 having to go through something like that alone. Nor can I bear the idea of DC1 having to forge his own way in life completely alone if the worst happens.

That said, I do want another baby for its own sake. I'm getting quite excited at the thought of another tiny, and obviously I do hope very much that they become great friends from the start.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 03-Apr-14 14:10:27

I had mine and DH's first baby 2 weeks ago and it was always our intention to only have the one. We wouldn't have a 2nd just to provide a sibling....it's a bit of a crap reason. When I read threads on MN about the nightmares some parents have with multiple children and the difficulties they can experience trying to cope with them it just strengthens my resolve to stick with one smile

SugarPlumpFairy3 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:25:34

Is there any need to make the decision now?

I felt like you after I had dd1. She was an easy baby but I suffered from pnd and she was a horrendous toddler/pre schooler. We just could not muster the enthusiasm to do it again after initially wanting a 2-3 year age gap.

Like you, all my friends had a second and I felt very left behind and guilty at not giving dd a sibling. There was no way I was going to jump into having a second when it was not right for our family.

We kept discussing it and eventually came to the decision that we wouldn't ttc but just not prevent grin. 2 weeks later, I was pregnant shock. Dd had just turned 5.

That pregnancy ended up being twins so we got a lot more than we bargained for but I'm so glad we waited until we were doing it for the right reasons for our family. The twins are 18 months and dd1 is 7 so I realise they probably won't be playmates as such (even though it is a joy to see them together).

SugarPlumpFairy3 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:26:51

Sorry, I meant to add that for me, a big reason (not the only obviously) was so that they'd be able to support each other in later life, especially when dh and I die.

Coveredinweetabix Thu 03-Apr-14 23:50:30

DC1 was completely unplanned and before DP and I had even discussed whether we wanted DC, were long term etc. Finding out I was pregnant accelerated all of those discussions and it became apparent that we both wanted more than one DC so it was never a question of "if" we'd have a second, just "when". The "when" was partly driven by considerations for DC1 as we hoped for an age gap of between 2&3 yrs.

Enjoyingmycoffee Fri 04-Apr-14 08:50:59

Oh good lord, I had my second because I desperately desperately wanted another child. And now she is here. And we are complete. Cheesy but true.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 04-Apr-14 08:54:14

I only wanted one when DD was tiny and I was all consumed by being a mum. Now I am delighted with one, any more seems inordinately hard work and I am very lazywink

juneau Fri 04-Apr-14 08:59:09

Yes, I felt that desire for a second child just as I felt it for my first. I did want to give DS1 a sibling, but that was not my over-riding priority. I always wanted two, I didn't want DS1 to be an only, I didn't want him to be spoiled as an only child and grandchild on both sides of the family, I wanted him to have someone to share the burden of care in later life if DH and I ever need it, and, finally I wanted him to have a play mate and the experience of having a sibling, sharing, etc.

However, I wasn't under any illusions that they would always get on. I have a sister who I've never really got on that well with, as does DH, so we're just hoping our two will continue to love each other!

HolgerDanske Fri 04-Apr-14 12:09:05

I did. I didn't actively plan it, was on the pill at the time and it just happened. But yes, I wanted a second child and no, it wasn't particularly to give my first a sibling. I suppose it just felt natural as I am one of eight siblings.

MillyJones Fri 04-Apr-14 12:14:26

I had two within eighteen months of each other because I just knew I wanted another baby. I was an only child and had a terribly "adult" childhood.

BikeRunSki Fri 04-Apr-14 12:20:18

I was ambivalent about dc1, but really, really wanted dc2; for me, for us and for ds. I am 1 of 4 and my1 child family didn't feel complete to me. Having said that, I now know with utter conviction that I don't want any more.

ThePippy Fri 04-Apr-14 13:34:23

I had a second because I didn't want DD to be an only. I am one of 3 but came much much later than my two older siblings who had both moved out and started their own families by the time I was 6, before which my memories are not clear anyway.

So from 6 years old it was often just me and parents (for holidays etc) and I can't say I enjoyed it, especially as parents were older by the time I came along. I came to parenting late and decided I didn't want that for my DD.

For me it has been the right decision.

Weegiemum Fri 04-Apr-14 13:36:33

I had far more desire to have a second than I did to have my first!

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