Did you always know you wanted children?

(35 Posts)
AtLeast50Cats Tue 02-Jul-13 19:49:24

Hello all, I've been reading mumsnet for awhile for advice with step-parenting but this is my first post as I have a question that I hope you can answer honestly.

Did you always absolutely know you wanted to have a child? Was there ever any doubt?

I ask because my husband (who is a bit older than me) has three very nearly grown up children from his previous marriage and always made it very clear from when we first met that he didn't want any more children. I have always been fine with this as I never thought kids would be a certainty in my life and it was more important to have a happy relationship whether that is with or without children. Recently though he announced that he had been thinking about it a lot and that if I would like a baby then he would be happy to have more children.

Now I'm confused, I had come to terms with the fact I wouldn't have kids, I love him and his children and I thought that was enough (and 50 cats to keep me company when I'm old and grey). Now I don't know. Should I have a baby? Should you only have a baby if you absolutely know you want one? Is it just selfish otherwise? Does any doubt go away the moment you see the first scan?

Please be as honest/brutal as you like!

50Cats smile

Weezie85 Tue 02-Jul-13 19:59:43

Nope, never really wanted them. My DH and I both said we would be happy either way. After 3 years of being married we started to try as we both felt like it was the next step.
I honestly never saw the appeal. I liked our life, even when pregnant just didn't feel that pull of love that others talked about. Possibly due to being sick until I was 30 weeks.
Then when DD was born and looked up at me it suddenly hit me why people do it.

LesAnimaux Tue 02-Jul-13 20:05:34

Yes, I always knew 100% I wanted babies. From when I was 3 years old. I would have found going to work and leaving them when they were babies very, very hard, but it would have been less hard than never having children.

I am very blessed. smile Although I crave silence. confused

Sorry, that doesn't answer your question.

mrsravelstein Tue 02-Jul-13 20:08:03

yes i knew 100% from pretty much the age when it became a possibility - so about 16. had first one at 28. am now 40, and have 3 dc and would still like to have more but DH is adamant he's had enough.... i find it hard to get my head around the "i'm done at 1/2/3 etc" that most of my friends and DH obviously feel

mrsravelstein Tue 02-Jul-13 20:09:25

i've got friends the same age as me who are still pondering whether they want a baby or not. seems to me that they probably don't if they've made it to 40 without trying to have one.

kirrinIsland Tue 02-Jul-13 20:10:36

I vowed I never wanted children. I was so sure I would never change my mind. Up until I was about 30. Then it just sort of crept up on me! I've just had my second, and it feels right. I think for me it was realising that I was ready to give up some of the things that just wouldn't be possible with children on board - things that previously I couldn't have imagined not doing any more.

I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure though - it really does change your life completely.

AllDirections Tue 02-Jul-13 20:12:39

I am very blessed. smile Although I crave silence. confused

Me too!

And yes OP to answer your question I always knew I wanted children

MorrisZapp Tue 02-Jul-13 20:13:29

Nope, and I still wasn't sure throughout my pregnancy. DS is ace but I won't be having any more. I felt nothing when I looked at him after giving birth. Please don't assume it'll all fall into place and be a lovefest from the start. It wasn't for me, and I know now that my experience isn't that unusual.

I think you should only do it if you really, positively want to. I didn't take my own advice though. Luckily anti depressants are available smile

HenriettaPye Tue 02-Jul-13 20:13:52

Yes I always wanted to settle down and have children. I always wanted 3-4, I now have 2 and feel that's enough though!

PoppyWearer Tue 02-Jul-13 20:14:57

Yes, it was always part of the vision I had for my life, just as my sister said from a very early age she didn't want children - we have both stuck to our guns and no regrets.

Portofino Tue 02-Jul-13 20:17:07

When I was young I always assumed I would have some. But I reached 35 without ever feeling broody and tbh didn't feel that bothered. Dd was a happy holiday accident. I was totally shocked but never once considered NoT having her. She is the light of my life now. I found it quite hard at first though.

RNJ3007 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:18:17

No. I was adamant no kids, and no men. And was told my fertility was next to zero.

I've been with DH for 5.5 years and am 32w with DC#2!!!

Things change.

turkeyboots Tue 02-Jul-13 20:18:42

No, never knew I wanted children til I was pregnant. Was a good time with a good man and no regrets.

Pixielady83 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:20:48

Yes, I always wanted children but it was always an 'after I've done x,y and z and found the right partner, house etc' thing - I wouldn't have been over the moon to get pg straight out of uni or in my early 20s. But it was definitely always something I wanted one day and one of the reasons I fell for DH was that he was so pro family. My broodiness increased through my 20s as I watched friends with kids and spent lots of time with nieces and nephews. By the time we were TTC I was desperate for a baby and I think that I needed to get to that stage as even then I still found it very hard to give up my freedom, social life, have less money and put my career on hold. I think if I hadn't have been so keen I might have really resented that. As much as the love you have for them overwhelms you and you are rewarded in so many ways for your efforts, the fact remains that it is a massive lifestyle change so I do think it is easier if it is something you really really want to do rather than something you think you maybe should do.

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 20:24:41

No I didn't know whether I wanted their not.

We hadn't even discussed having children at the time we got married, I just didn't think about children at all.

With me, my biological clock kicked in with a vengeance when I was about 30 and DH was happy to go along with trying for a baby, thankfully.

AtLeast50Cats Tue 02-Jul-13 20:36:42

Thank you. Really interesting to read all your replies. Its the biological clock thing that puzzles me. People have always told me it will happen, but how? Do you just wake up one morning and all you can think about is babies?

I'm 31 now - I think I'll give myself a mental deadline of about a year to decide.

Dontlookattheknees Tue 02-Jul-13 20:40:56

I have always known I wanted children.
A bit later than I did and in a relationship but well you can't be picky. But children generally- always

hermioneweasley Tue 02-Jul-13 20:42:22

I never wanted biological kids. Now at nearly 40 I still have no urge to be pregnant and have a baby, BUT my DW always wanted kids and is the bio mum to ours and I love them more than would ever have thought possible.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Tue 02-Jul-13 20:44:58

It was never a priority to have a baby, if it happened fine but when I became pregnant at your age a wasn't upset, my second was a shock, totally unplanned, never understood how it worked with 2. Prenatal depression and now god I live him.

kelda Tue 02-Jul-13 20:47:59

I've always wanted children. Without a doubt. Having children has always been my main priority in life, but I also wanted to make sure I had the means to support them - which meant getting qualifications first. I was 26 when I had my first.

BellaVida Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:12

I never had much to do with kids or babies growing up. It felt like the normal thing to do after my DH and I married, but he was more keen than me. I understood what it really meant when my first was born.....and now I have 4!!

Beamae Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:28

I didn't always want one, but always knew that I would most likely have children one day.

When we started trying for a baby, I wasn't desperate to have one and still wasn't particularly fussed, we just had to start trying because of my age. Three years later though it had taken over my life and it was all I thought about! But that was because we had fertility issues and it had gone on for so long. I still don't think it was a biological clock thing. I wouldn't say I was particularly broody at all when we started the process. It was more that our lives had reached the point where it made sense.

I know people who have had surprise babies, who weren't even thinking about having children, and who are just as besotted as people who planned and wanted a child.

I never imagined my future without children in a vague way whenever it crossed my mind. I wasn't desperate for a child but always thought I'd have a couple.
I had a couple, unsurprisingly grin

Fozziebearmum2be Tue 02-Jul-13 21:01:49

I've always known since being a little girl. But I'm 32 and only pregnant with my first (which isn't old but I would have had them much earlier ).

My parents divorced when I was a teenager so was v bothered about meeting the right man who would be a good dad and partner (so we can teach our DCs about a good rship). Anyways it was a reason I left a previous long term rship, my future kids (although non existent at the time) deserved better.

forcookssake Tue 02-Jul-13 21:18:24

I didn't, for my first ten years of dating/sex. It was completely fine and it was definitely the case.
Then, I meet my current DP, he was a different, better guy, and as the years passed it struck me that it wasn't that I DIDN'T want children, but that my choice of previous partners and activities were not conducive to thoughts of parenthood.
Now 1 year TTC grin

Bowlersarm Tue 02-Jul-13 21:32:14

For me OP the biological clock was so loud I couldn't hear anything else but it ticking. As I said earlier, on my wedding day i had absolutely no interest in babies, talking about babies, even friends babies. It seemed to change overnight and as soon as we started trying it seemed like torture as each month came round and we hadn't conceived.

DH very happy to go along with it all, but not sure whether we would have had kids if my biological clock hadn't kicked in, as they weren't really on out radar before that happened.

Jan49 Tue 02-Jul-13 22:37:39

When I was a teenager I had no interest in ever having children and thought I would never choose to have any. I didn't really have much personal experience of younger children as I was the youngest in my family and had no cousins.

I changed my mind at some point when I was first in a relationship with my later h (now ex). We were teens when we started dating but I think it was a few years later. Then I desperately wanted a baby and wanted it now! I stayed that way for about 7 years. My h's attitude was always "not yet" but eventually we got to a point where he felt the same. I had no doubts. I felt like I'd die if I didn't have one.

In your situation I think it would be daft to go ahead and have a baby if you are not at all sure it's what you want. Maybe you need time to get used to the idea that your h has changed his mind. Fifty cats is the easier option.wink

MillionPramMiles Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:52

I never wanted children and would never have had them if my dp hadn't wanted them. My life was perfectly fine before I had a child, I was in a secure, loving long term relationship, I had good friends, enjoyable interests, a rewarding career. Having a child has taken a toll on all of those things, some irreversibly.

But when someone you love wants something so much and everyone around you seems to be having children and telling you how wonderful it is, it's hard to not convince yourself you should do it too.
You might find it’s wonderful and you’re so glad you did it. You might not. But there’s no going back once you’ve done it.

I'd suggest thinking about the things that make you happy currently, the things you wouldn’t want to do without and then think realistically about whether those things could continue if you have a baby.
Some people will l blithely tell you they just strap the baby in a sling and do whatever they like. I’d suggest having a look at some of the threads in the parenting and sleep sections of mumsnet to see that it isn’t quite that simple (I wish I'd done that). Babies are very variable, you can’t predict or influence what sort of baby you will have or how they will impact your life.
Also, suggest discuss with your dh what level of support you expect from him if you did have a child eg getting up during the night, taking time off work, giving up interests/friends etc.

If you don't decide to have a child, ignore those that tell you your life will be meaningless etc. It doesn't make you a better person or less selfish to have a child (in fact it's made me more selfish as I only think about my child rather than dp/friends/family and its made me a grumpier person!)

LookMaw Wed 03-Jul-13 09:27:51

I didn't really want kids, I never said never but kids used to annoy the hell out of me and babies were pretty gross. I always considered that I may change my mind one day in the very distant future.

Then one day I woke up wanting a baby. It was all I could think about. I was in my last year of training to be a nurse at uni, at the ripe old age of 22 and I needed a baby. Now. I can't explain it, the desperate need to procreate burned my entire body.

9 1/4 months later DD was born and is the single, most amazing thing I've ever done. Honestly.

I still think other peoples kids are gross though.

daimbardiva Wed 03-Jul-13 09:44:48

No, I was uncertain/undecided, until I met my husband, and realised that I wanted us to be a family. I never yearned for a baby - it was the creating a family with the man I loved that I suddenly wanted. Nowwe have two children and I couldn't be happier.

shakespeare Wed 03-Jul-13 10:38:53

Nope, never really wanted children, but like MillionPramMiles, I had a partner who was really keen and as I was turning 36 I had to make a decision either way. I was going out on a bit of a limb falling pregnant (and I fell pregnant very quickly) when I had no biological clock ticking.

I found I was quite an instinctive mother but did spend many an hour pondering whether it was for me (still do). I've just had no. 2 so I guess there must be something in it. There are some great times but boy there are some tough times. You really can feel all emotions in one day. I would never say to someone 'oh you must have children, its amazing' because sometimes it really ain't (perhaps I should reply to this post, I've had a bloody dreadful day today!) wink. Its a crazy, frustrating, stressful, wonderful ride.

NO never thought about it seriously til turned 38 and started fretting my insides would wither. So tried for a bit then Lorenzo came along. Even after he'd come out I thought, oh shit, what have I done!
Took 3 months to bond and now 4 years later he is my world( But I do work fulltime as staying at home would be hell having worked all my life!). Number two popped out just before I hit 40.
They are life changing beautiful difficult horrible sometimes but mostly amazingly gorgeous... and I have become the mother I had imagined!

iseenodust Wed 03-Jul-13 12:07:38

Another like a MillionPram. In my late thirties moved from no not never to 'well if it happens it does' and it did. Love DS to pieces and no regrets but also believe life would still have been good had he not arrived, just in a different way.

FeegleFion Wed 03-Jul-13 12:10:02

I never wanted DC.

Thank God, for me, I've had contraception fail twice.

I couldn't imagine life without them. wink

Phoenixflame Wed 03-Jul-13 14:48:30

Yes, I've always wanted to have children from quite a young age. Then when I got to about 16-17 and knew it was a possibility I thought about it more and more and knew I wanted to be a youngish mum. Luckily enough, I'm now 26 and me and DH have been together 10 years, married for 3. Our DS is 2.3yrs old and DD is 12 weeks. I love it. I'm absolutely knackered most of time and sometimes it can be alot to handle. But I wouldn't have it any other way grin

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