Love my children but can't stand being with them - counting the hours till bedtime

(49 Posts)
PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 10:49:38

I've posted about this before and I feel really pathetic but I just can't cope with my two DDs anymore. All they do is scream and whinge and its just wearing me down. No, it has worn me down and I am past the end of my tether. I really can't face it anymore and yet I have no choice.

The older one (5) is upstairs screaming the house down in her bedroom having one of her epic tantrums. I lost the plot with her earlier and slapped her round the face. Feel totally shit about it but I just could not take the noise anymore. The younger one (2) is just constantly whining and obstructive in a typical two year old way.

Feel like our lives are just miserable. I try to plan nice things to do but we don't get to do them because tantrums stop us leaving the house.

It is just me. Partner works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. No family. No friends I could ask round or something to take off the pressure.

Other people world cope with this , why can't i? I spend all week moaning about the fact that I don't get to see them because I work full time and when we do spend time together I hate every minute of it and can't wait for Monday. All they do is cry for their daddy. I can't stand it and I hate myself.

Don't really know what I expect people to say. Just want a way to live being with my kids cos I know I'll totally regret all of this later. And of course do really regret lots of it already.

FadedSapphire Sat 27-Apr-13 12:39:52

Are you feeling alright now polyester?
Hope things have calmed down. 5 and 2 can both be awkward ages.
Ok the slapping is bad but take some deep breaths.
Leave them veg for a bit in front of the TV while you try and relax.

overtheseatocalais Sat 27-Apr-13 12:46:24

I feel for you & the situation you are all in. My best advice is to take them out, even if the weather is awful. Take them somewhere like the park or the woods where they can have a bit of freedom to run around and then if possible go to a café or supermarket and all have a drink and something to eat. Everyone will feel better after a change of scenery, fresh air and a little treat.

overtheseatocalais Sat 27-Apr-13 12:49:57

I feel for you & the situation you are all in. My best advice is to take them out, even if the weather is awful. Take them somewhere like the park or the woods where they can have a bit of freedom to run around and then if possible go to a café or supermarket and all have a drink and something to eat. Everyone will feel better after a change of scenery, fresh air and a little treat.

overtheseatocalais Sat 27-Apr-13 12:50:15

Sorry!

Polyester This can't go on love, slapping a 5 year olds face is a bad sign.

My advice would be to strap them in tantrums and all and get them out of the house, they can't scream forever, and the break really will do you all the world of good. I notice the difference in my 2 (same ages) when we're cooped up and when we're out.

Just bite the bullet and do something with them that lasts a good few hours, have some good times together, and things will improve.

Is there anything they like doing? swimming? soft play? Is your OH with you at weekends to help?

Really hope you get back on track it sounds miserable all round. Good luck

DolomitesDonkey Sat 27-Apr-13 12:57:08

What do you do for work and hobbies? Who are you when you take "child-minder" out of the equation?

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 12:58:32

Thank you everyone.

I know the slapping is bad. I never smack them usually, this is only the second time I have ever done it. But I did it in anger and I properly slapped her, not just a tap, so that's actually worse than pe

Polyester, that sounds really really hard going. When you say that other people cope, they're coping largely with support. You don't have any! Is there any chance your dp can have one day off a week, is it financial reasons he works that much?
Assuming your older dd is at school, could you put your younger dd in nursery or a crèche for a couple of mornings a week? You desperately sound in need of a break every week, a few hours will help break the cycle for you. Even if you could go for walks in the evenings when they're in bed, that would help.
I have 4 yo dts and one of them has the most awful tantrums. At times I have totally lost it, but it makes you feel worse and makes the situation escalate. I find it hard to stay calm when one or more of my dc are kicking off and I go to work and have family nearby so can only imagine how hard you're finding it .

Sorry poly forgot you said DP works so much.

tethersend Sat 27-Apr-13 13:08:07

12 hours a day 7 days a week is unsustainable, for both of you.

Can this change?

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:13:07

Sorry sent it by mistake.

I meant I think I'm worse than people who smack their kids even though I am against smacking. Feel awful about it. And she will always remember it won't she?

Just have no energy for doing anything with them unless I go to bed at 9pm.

They are now watching tv and I'm feeling shit about that too. I feel like I'm really damaging them but they don't have anyone else. My DP is not around. Can't do swimming cos of parent child ratio rules and have got no money for soft play. I should take them to the park but I just can't face it today. Just want to sleep.

Need to start afresh but every time I give myself a good talking to I just go back to the way I was.

I get exactly what you're saying (DSs are 6 & 2 and starting to battle, scream, tantrum). If anything it sounds like you really, really need a break - can your DH change his working pattern, can he take a few days leave to give you a break soon so you can go and see friends /be somewhere where children are not?

FadedSapphire Sat 27-Apr-13 13:15:57

Hell a bit of Cbeebies or the like will be educational!
A walk to the paper shop and back?
Any ducks to feed?
A garden?

FadedSapphire Sat 27-Apr-13 13:16:42

A cd to dance to for them to let off steam?

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:18:06

Yes the 12 hours a day thing is hopefully only until July. So it's only a few months to go but I don't know if I can get through till then. Also DP keeps warning that it might be longer than that eg September and I feel lije I'm going to crack.

Kids in school / full time nursery so probably one of the reasons they're so difficult at the weekend is that they're craving my attention. Just don't feel I have it to give them at the moment.

This isn't how I imagined being a mum would be. I thought I'd be teaching them to sew, planting flowers together, making cakes and walking along the beach. Instead I'm screaming at them, being screamed at, plonking them in front of the tv and wishing their choldh

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:18:46

Sorry - keep doing that

Wishing their childhoods away

dogsandcats Sat 27-Apr-13 13:20:30

I think this is more a case of the situaion you are in.
It would be the end of the tether for most of us.

I think the situation needs to change.
When you say "no family", do you literally mean you and dp have no family members at all? Or are they far away, or wouldnt come anywhere near you both?

And when you say "no friends", do you mean they do not live local to you, or again, neither of you have any friends at all?

You sound knackered TBH. I know the feeling really well! Get a few really early nights in, and see if that makes you more motivated at the weekends.

What about craft stuff? big bits of paper and poster paints? do you have a garden? Sit out there with them and let them play, or take the paints outside.

Oh, and cbeebies occasionally is fine smile

quietlysuggests Sat 27-Apr-13 13:22:59

Have you apologised to your daughter yet?

How about, if you work full time, could you take the odd Friday off so you get a day to yourself to chill and recharge so you can enjoy the weekend with your kids a bit more? Would that work?

Thing is, it's a vicious circle, they battle and wear you down, you end up feeling like you CBA to try and so it goes on.

Buy in a muffin mix and bake together, it doesn't take long and it's really enjoyable, like most things once you get going. Only you can change this cycle.

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:23:11

Family are about 200 miles away - we are both from the south but live in the north

Friends - most are down south but I have a couple here. Things are ok when I can see one of them but it can't be every weekend - they have their own lives.

I had a shot childh

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:24:59

Am officially an iPhone idiot

Was going to say I had a crap childhood and am now inflicting the same on my girls. They deserve much better.

Feel like giving up my job would help a lot but we couldn't pay rent or bills

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:28:13

Yes I said sorry to her straight away and have said it again.

I think the odd Friday off would certainly help. Always feel like I should keep all my holiday says for them but the odd one for me wouldn't hurt I guess. I think I'm so stressed though that I can imagine worrying about the time not being enough ad soon as I got back from dropping them off. That sounds bonkers I know.

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:29:20

Yes, only I can change it. It's not their fault isn't all its mine.

dogsandcats Sat 27-Apr-13 13:30:25

Is you partner emotionally supportive?
And does he know how you are feeling?

Can you structure your weekends so they know what to expect? So morning, get up, play and get breakfast on for all of you. Let them help. Then dressed and out to the park or library. Come home, put tv on while you make lunch. Nap for 2 year old, or quiet time for them all. Eg reading/stickers etc etc? Afternoon, garden or something then in for tv while you sort their tea. Just an idea.

You should go to bed at 9pm some nights - you can't run yourself ragged like this.

Do speak to your GP. I felt a bit like you when it was all felt out of control and draining.

dogsandcats Sat 27-Apr-13 13:31:26

You are not giving them a crap childhood.
You care about them a lot, and they will know that.

Also can you take a day off work, leave kids in childcare, and just do you stuff?

FadedSapphire Sat 27-Apr-13 13:35:14

Pissing down here. Have put blanket tucked into top bunk and dangling over bottom like a den. 2x boys munching crisps in there with crap radio channel on. Maybe few minutes of peace!
I should be decluttering house.
When people start 'what do social services look for in a house' threads I panic.
Just like I don't feel able to watch life of grime/ drowning in clutter type programs.
I do understand op feeling overwhelmed and slightly out of control.

sara11272 Sat 27-Apr-13 13:36:23

I feel for you, OP. My three fight and drive me nuts if we are in all the time. My DTDs also have tantrums (one in particular) and it's exhausting.

It's hard but can you strap them in the car/ buggy even if they're screaming and just go - to the playground, the corner shop (buy them something cheap - choc buttons or something as a treat for being 'good'). Make a quiz sheet of things to look for on a walk (with pics instead of words for the 2 yr old maybe) and go for a walk getting them to collect/look out for things.

My OH is away all weekend and I have made mine a sticker chart for today/tomorrow - if they get all their stickers (for 'good getting dressed', 'eating all their lunch' etc) they get to go to Pizza Hut for tea tomorrow. Appreciate this isn't something you can do every week, but maybe a weekend/daily chart with a little reward at the end for when you're on your own at weekends...?

Hope you have a better afternoon.

Firstly we all make mistakes, the slapping was wrong, you know that, make sure you apologise to your dd, tell her you love her and give her a cuddle.

Secondly talk to your DP, at the moment you are pretty much a lone parent, he needs to know how that is affecting you and your children. Some of the behaviour from the children, particularly the older one is likely down to the lack of contact with their father, you are getting the emotional backlash unfortunately. Do they get any time with him at all?

Thirdly if tv is all you have energy for today don't beat yourself up over it, but try to sit with them for some of that time, give them physical proximity and cuddles.

Fourthly as others have said, try to get the children out or do one activity on Saturdays and Sundays with them. Start small like putting on a cd and dancing as someone else suggested. Dancing is good for lightening the mood and making you laugh. When I have those days where I have had enough a bit of silly dancing works wonders.

Being a mum and working full time with no support and no time for you is very stressful. What time does DP get home? Is there anyway you could get a bit of time for yourself then (gym, sauna, cinema etc)?

Speak to your GP too, you do sound very stressed and depressed, maybe they can offer some support.

hermioneweasley Sat 27-Apr-13 13:45:59

Is your DH self employed?

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 13:54:09

DP is supportive but has his own stress so don't feel lije I can pile my stuff on his head too. Had to call him this morning after slapping DD1 and he was a me to help me calm down a bit.

Liking the ideas of stuff to do with them. A reward chart and treats for the weekend is good. As are dens, crisps and pizzas. If I can get them to bed tonight I will make a plan for tomoro and go to bed early so I have the energy to do it.

I really appreciate all your advice and supportive words. They have really helped. It doesn't feel so hopeless.

My house is a tip too but that's another thread!

Maybe I should just use my credit card to go to soft play this afternoon.

PolyesterBride Sat 27-Apr-13 14:01:12

DP is not self employed but would rather not say what he is fdoung in case I out myself. It's basically an unavoidable work situation.

He gets home around 9-9.30 by which time I am going to bed. The girls see him first thing in the morning and that is it. I think they are suffering for not seeing him, they really miss him. Not sure what to do about it though except offer extra love and comfort myself. Which I see unable to do because I just want to hide.

AlanMoore Sat 27-Apr-13 14:04:25

Do it! You can keep cost down by taking kids drinks and just buying a coffee.

Try the local boards on here or netmums and see if there are any other parents who'd like weekend buddies near you. Can you arrange Saturday afternoon play dates for your big girl? It would break up the day for you all and you can do 'babyish' things with little dd without the big one being bored.

Can big dd join rainbows or beavers? Are there any cheap and cheerful dance classes for eg? Children's centre family outreach workers would know, give them a ring Monday.

Your situation sounds stifling, a bit of social time would help you all. Don't be despondent, you're under pressure not a bad mum.

Jarca Sat 27-Apr-13 14:19:45

I feel for you. I felt the same way myself many times - and it looks my situation was nowehere near yours.
I realised that if I feel much better if I
1) find some time only for myself (get up before kids do or manage to stay up after they're asleep)
2) find some energy to spend spontaneous time with them (especially the older - 3.5yo). If no chance going out she loves running around the sofa and she wants me to crawl and chase them. Now it's beautiful outside so playing with ball outside, gardening
3) manage to tidy up in kitchen and living room in the eventing.

Do not feel bad for them watching TV time to time. Watch with them, you'll relax and they'll have your presence there.

emoo777 Sat 27-Apr-13 19:54:50

Your words really resonate with me because, although I am far luckier in the hours my dh works, I really know what it is like to lose control because the whining and tantrumming just gets to be too much. I suspect almost every mother feels like this at some point. I think parenting is often just getting through the day when they are small. It sounds like your dh will be around more in the future and I am really glad for you. My advice is to just plan to get out as much as possible as things are really intense when you are in the house.
Any chance family could give you a week off at some stage? If you are struggling to cope it would be best for all concerned. Don't be afraid to ask.

Nicknamefail Sun 28-Apr-13 18:15:55

Polyester, my dp works similar hours, but permanently. It is hard, and I only have one. Just sending sympathy. X

mummy2benji Sun 28-Apr-13 22:21:56

We all lose it. The slapping is bad but is due to the fact that you're completely at the end of your tether - it is a sign that you need to do something now to change your situation in order to prevent yourself losing control like that again.

I agree with other posters about just strapping them in the car and going somewhere. An outdoor park and playground where they can run around and burn off energy so they are too tired to scrap with each other? Take yourself a coffee in a thermos flask so you enjoy it a bit more yourself. Tell them that you'll treat them to an ice-cream if they play nicely. There is nothing worse than being stuck indoors with two grouchy children. I have to plan ways in which we can go out, to make sure we don't have a day where we are at home all the time. For one thing, the house gets trashed. Even more than usual. Do you live near a library? That is a good free way of entertaining them for a little while. Our library has a big box of toys for little ones to play with - means I can feed dd2 while ds1 plays.

I can empathise with the feeling of being alone in your parenting - my dh also works long hours (he's currently on night shifts over this weekend), and we have no family nearby either. Closest friends live a long way away too. Talk to your health visitor - mine is nice and has told me I can text her anytime if things are getting on top of me and I would like her to visit just to have a chat and sound off a bit. In fact, I should do that as I've had a crap day today too, constantly snapping and shouting at poor ds1 who has been more lively than naughty. Not his fault his mum is a stressed rat-bag, poor love sad I feel for you anyway - take as much support as you can, on here, from your health visitor, and any friends / neighbours.

PolyesterBride Tue 30-Apr-13 22:56:48

Thank you everyone. I know getting out is the best thing. It's always easier out of the house.

I just need to be more organised about planning where to go and getting a bag together. It's the getting out of the house that's the really big hurdle!

Sympathies to everyone in a similar position. The support on here has been great.

Wrenner Wed 01-May-13 00:03:08

I totally get where you are coming from. I have no family and two children 4 and 2 and I'm a lone parent. They constantly fight and argue. I don't know if this Is worse in boys??? I kno you have girls but I have never seen anything like it. I shout, I swear and lose my temper. I don't really smack but can be overly aggressive in plonking them down in various places ( if that makes sense?!) I am not proud of any of the above. I always apologise straight away. I hate swearing too hmm
But it's a cycle I get myself into. I'm defeated the moment I wake up. My mind sets all wrong. I can change it, so can you. Just wanted to tell you that you aren't on your own. Kids hey?! smile

smudger4 Fri 03-May-13 12:26:48

Maybe you are depressed? Have you spoken to your GP about this? I fell very sad for you and would love to tell you that it gets easier as they get older but i'm afaraid a whole set of new issues then arise. Have you tried telephoning any helplines? I would see your GP and get some help. It would be an idea to keep them busy too, they will be less likely to winge if they aretimulated and will nod off to sleep better if they are tired from a busy day.

Snazzynewyear Fri 03-May-13 12:36:28

Check your local museum/art gallery listings. The ones near me always do free stuff on a weekend, storytelling, crafty things and whatnot, and they usually have somewhere you can eat your own food so you can cut the cost by taking food/snacks with you.

Pack the bag the night before is my tip. Then just get up and go.

Can you do film and popcorn/other snacks with them on a weekend afternoon/teatime, with them picking the dvd? You could borrow these from the local library if you don't have lots, which is another outing.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 05-May-13 01:54:39

I don't think slappin g is the end of the world actually if their behaviour is appauling. I am not of the anti-smack brigade but you do need to find other methods as this can't escalate. Take them out for sure ....move through the tantrums and take a deep breath.

Cravingdairy Sun 05-May-13 02:14:43

This isn't 'your stuff', it's family stuff, and your DP is just as responsible for the family as you are.

I would suggest going to your GP. It could be that you would benefit from being signed off for a while.

MyShoofly Sun 05-May-13 02:56:20

I also suggest making a list of easy sensors activities you can just put out on the floor (on a cheapie shower curtain) for when things are sliding sideways. This really helps me with my two when whinging etc is wearing me down.

You can keep a bin of dollar store cups, funnels, bottles, plastic sand toys, various containers, tongs etc and put them out with:

-bin of dry pasta.....macaroni, the large shells etc. Younger one can dig in and dump and pour, older one can make pasta necklaces, glue pasta on paper plates for art or pretend play making a pasta Barbie beach or whatever.

-bin of musical instruments and a kids cd the can shake and toot to

-bin of "special" art supplies they otherwise don't see. Stickers, glitter paint etc.

-bucket of cornstarch and water in the tub for easy clean up.

-hide items around the house for them to find (ie plastic bugs - then give them each a magnifying glass and kitchen strainer for "nets")

There are a ton of online ideas...I just mention these as they are relatively cheap and easy to implement.

Do you have a back yard OP? Could you do up a mud kitchen with old pots and pans - both those ages will still be able to enjoy that.

-face paint each other for a laugh or do face masks

hang in there OP tomorrow's a new day

BouncyButterfly Sun 05-May-13 20:23:38

I have a list on fridge door of all different places we can go or things we can do, for either rainy or sunny days. Saves me having to think when am too tired. Am a single parent now, but used to have partner (dcs dad) living with us and he worked when every one else had family time...found it hardest then. If you feel you can't hold on, see your gp..it's fine to ask for help

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