being a parent is so glam!

(48 Posts)
BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Tue 16-Apr-13 14:49:08

Nursing 19 day old Ds.

He's like a hungry baby boob-zombie, drinks way too much in one go, choked, scared me witless, as I wind him he spews the excess milk right down my cleavage shock

I had a c-section, wound is infected sad I don't have a shower and can't have a bath, so strip washes but no hair washing. am going to parent's as often as possible for a shower. I know I'm not dirty but I feel unclean.

I have visitors coming this afternoon...I hope they don't want to hug me sad grin

YoniRanger Tue 16-Apr-13 14:55:21

Ah, I fondly remember those days grin now DD is a bit older I get to catch the sick in my hands and I'm permanently covered in snot.hmm

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Tue 16-Apr-13 15:00:14

ah, snot! I'd forgotten all about that particular joy.

9 yo DD was a snot monster, the kind that would end up not only in her hair (normally mixed with dried weetabix) but also in mine too!

DS likes to wait until you've removed the nappy to do his poos, al fresco stylee! Normally resulting in a change of clothes for me.

Glamorous doesn't begin to cover it grin

Newmum2013 Tue 16-Apr-13 15:44:51

Ha love this. I was walking to the shower this morning while talking to oh. Every step I took, milk poured out of my boobs haha

cupcake78 Tue 16-Apr-13 15:56:31

It's just delightful wink. Snail trails on all your clothes, unidentified cheesy smells, scratch and sniff.

There's nothing like it to make you appreciate how important clean feels!

when dd (3 months) had a cold I had snot trails on my boobs

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Tue 16-Apr-13 17:26:03

grin it does help to know I am not alone - thank you! wink

differentkindofpenguin Tue 16-Apr-13 23:12:19

Oh ever so glamorous!!!!!
Went to get my 2 year old son after a nap yesterday, he wakes up happy and informs me that he has a "naughty nappy". It really was...

The snot.... Oh the snot! A man sat next to the above 2 year old on the bus yesterday... Moved after 2 minutes as my little angel was picking big juicy green bogeys out of his nose and eating them! He also likes to stand in front of my bedroom mirror admiring himself and wiping bogeys on the mirror. Unless he comes across a particularly scrummy one of course

Oh and I've done the sick down the cleavage thing too- he had reflux as a baby, used to wonder how one small baby could physically contain that much puke!

And if he doesn't like his food ( or stuffed more into his mouth than he can chew) he insists on spitting it into my hand :s

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 17-Apr-13 04:11:39

shock oh the joys to come! wink grin.

bleurgh at bogey eating - children are odd creatures!

issimma Wed 17-Apr-13 04:57:15

My arms are covered in milk and there's sick down my chest. Joys of cosleeping.

matana Wed 17-Apr-13 11:36:00

A couple of months ago i licked what i thought was spilt Calpol off my 2yo DS's hand. Turns out it was snot. [balk]

And a few weeks ago i caught him with his nappy around his ankles, delving around in the toilet where he'd just put a lump of his own poo (taken from said nappy). Just as i entered the room and saw him, he raised a brown finger to his mouth for a taster. [double balk]

FoxyRevenger Wed 17-Apr-13 12:08:28

I had a glam friend round for lunch yesterday...during which 7 month old DS leaned over to suck both knees of my jeans whilst he had a mouthful of homemade soup...then he snotted all over both of my shoulders.


Myliferocks Wed 17-Apr-13 12:16:33

You wait until you're sat on your bathroom floor at 4 in the morning with your 17 year old DD who doesn't normally drink but decides to that night and then,when it's too late, remembers that the reason she doesn't normally drink is because she can't hold her alcohol and it only takes a couple of vodka and cokes for her to be throwing up!

( can you tell that this happened recently. I'm more bitter about the fact that her social life is better than mine! )

differentkindofpenguin Wed 17-Apr-13 14:44:01

Can't wait! I suppose at least 17 year olds can aim for the toilet slightly better! An 8 month old can redecorate a largish room in BARF in about 3 seconds!

gruber Wed 17-Apr-13 14:55:13

I have sick down my top, in my hair, on both breasts & sitting here with left boob hanging out because DS has FINALLY gone to sleep and there's no way I'm disturbing him! Oh and milk trails on the carpet, milk and sick in the bed... What I wouldn't give for a hot shower and clean bedsheets, only for an hour!

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 17-Apr-13 15:48:02

I'm not laughing I promise much

I forget that they get worse as they get older sad

gruber - sat here before on day 2 of Milkathon and realised that DS had (finally stopped eating but both myv boobs were just hanging there, uncovered. good job I'm on my own today grin

MillyStar Wed 17-Apr-13 16:59:11

My 4th wash load of the day is in as we speak!

DD has got a bad tummy and did a huge long wet fart in her high chair before, then i notice water spilling over the edge of the tray so i went to take her cup away and realised it was poo spilling out of her trouser leg


so she had a mid afternoon bath and ive been scrubbing the floor, she already exploded on my bed this morning!!

SomethingAboutNothing Wed 17-Apr-13 17:24:48

I'll never forget the time we decided to do the middle of the night nappy change on our bed - the result was projectile poo all over me and the bed sheets.

We learned never to do that again!

NotSoNervous Wed 17-Apr-13 17:29:45

My DD is 6m. The other day I had just got both of us dressed and ready to leave the house and I put DD in her chair for not even 10min I picked her up and my top felt wet. There was shit everywhere!! Covered her from the waist down it was dyer.

She's shat on me many many times but not on DP I swear I'm not bitter

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 17-Apr-13 17:32:44

Ive been pushing my luck with on-the-bed nappy changes, I need to stop before its too late!

DD had a horrific tummy bug aged 3, we had a 6 hour journey home from a weekend away, I had to hold her by the roadside as she was sick and pood, all over my legs! that was half an hour into a very long journey! sad

VikingLady Wed 17-Apr-13 22:01:20

We've had the grossest possible vomit experience with DD, when she was 3m. She had a bad reaction to her first dose of Calpol, and her entire stomach contents came back, bright pink.

Except - and this is the gross bit - we were staying with family, and the only place I could comfortably feed her in our room was sitting on the bed with my back against the wall, with DD cradled in my lap. We don't really do nightclothes as a family, either. The vomit gushed at high force hitting my cleavage, pouring down, filling my belly button on its way to the bed.

I have never had anyone be sick "there" before! I nearly threw up too.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Thu 18-Apr-13 02:14:38

pink vomit filled belly button may just win the Most Glamorous MNer award grin

VikingLady Fri 19-Apr-13 21:26:38

It wasn't just my belly button....

StormyBrid Fri 19-Apr-13 21:40:36

While putting six week old DD to bed tonight, we discovered my cleavage has quite an impressive milky-sick capacity. Not quite impressive enough though; there was overspill onto my jeans. Now sitting here listening to the washing machine in nothing but knickers and socks. It had not occurred to me until reading this thread that I should possibly put more clothes on.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Fri 19-Apr-13 21:47:07

shock eeewwww Viking

hahaha Stormy brilliant. I was cold the other night, he sicked up on my dressing gown, I forgot to throw it in the wash yesterday so last night - bit cold again, throw dressing gown on and get that lovely day old aroma of baby spew [bleurgh] ..... I just put the thing on and ignored the smell, it was 3am and I was cold!

(I have washed it today, it awaits more baby spew this eve!!)

Cuddlydragon Fri 19-Apr-13 22:08:07

My 8 month DS is a ninja sneezer, usually with a mouth full of porridge/yoghurt/cheese sauce. I never thought I'd count myself lucky if I could catch handfuls of baby sneeze, but my walls, floors and clothes just can't take much more washing hmm

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sat 20-Apr-13 13:36:10

ninja sneezer grin

I've risked make-up, hair and nice outfit today. due to leave house long do you give me before I have baby vom, snot, poo, dribble, leaky nipple? (hopefully not all at once!) wink

Cuddlydragon Sat 20-Apr-13 23:00:17

Max 2 hours wink

funchum8am Sat 20-Apr-13 23:09:27

When dd (now 6mo) was about 10 weeks she vommed over me and my nightie so spectacularly and extensively that I had to get DH out of the shower just to show him...the wonders that parenthood brings grin

SummersComing1111 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:17:34

When DS was 6 mo just had all new carpets fitted he caught a tummy bug and decided he didnt like the brown carpets so projectile vomited them white they were less than a day old.

Just got my hair all pretty for wedding ... Pretty hair is very rare these days picked above son up and he threw up all over it ended up going with it in a wet bun.

Bath share with again above son as he hates a bath on his own hes 16mo he poops aprox 1/3 times

Dammmm we sexy

Signet2012 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:24:16

Surveying the damage of today:

I smell a bit like fruity milk, I think that's either in my hair, or around my neck.
I have dried crusty snot on my cheek (not mine) Just found that a minute a go. haven't been sat here all night knowing I have snot on my face
I have various stains on my top some from lunch, some from dinner and some unknown.
I have a small damp patch on my buttock from DD doing a huge poo as I changed her on the sofa and had to wash it.
AND I have white crusty marks on my jeans around my lower legs. That may be dried on rusk.

Im not even talking about the lack of showering and shaving!

LauraPashley Sat 20-Apr-13 23:29:07

Any secondary guidance teachers reading? This would surely be THE most effective contraception device around. Copy and paste this thread to all 15yr olds in the country I say!

MrsPennyapple Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:27

DD (21mo) has a dodgy tummy at the moment. Yesterday I caught puke in my hands for the first time. I feel like a real MN-er now! And today she filled her nappy, her trousers and her socks with the most horrifically stinking poo. I managed to get her upstairs into the shower without getting any on me, thought I'd done quite well until I remembered she also has a cold, and I was covered in snot anyway.

Sparklyboots Sat 20-Apr-13 23:35:43

Yeah, for me it started with a midwife scooping poos out of a giant bath with a fishing net and went downhill from there. Me and DS caught norovirus in November; he woke me by puking on my head. He was very upset so I hugged him, which had the unfortunate side-effect of massaging vomit into my belly button, and his very full of liquid poo nappy leaked down my legs as I took him to the bathroom. I cleaned him up, changed the clothes and returned him, now sleeping, to a lovely, cool bed before starting to sort the disgusting bedding/ carnage in the bathroom, sick etc. off me and out of my hair and ear, interrupted by having to puke myself... it was just glam central round my way. Irritatingly, when reporting this to friends and family, without exception, they'd ask if DS was okay. That is, if the person sleeping it off in a freshly made bed with clean sheets while I picked sick out of my hair, was okay. Parenthood - it's like your very own Invisibility Cloak.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 21-Apr-13 02:18:12

ah these stories are brilliant! Yy to the contraception powers.of the thread - teen pregnancy wiped out overnight grin. wink.

Crocodilehunter Sun 21-Apr-13 12:36:07

Ooh I like this thread, my DS is often sick in my cleavage and everywhere else for that matter I fabreze down my top whack the hair dryer on it and off I go!
Same with breast leakage in the middle of the night too grin
Best though is washing and brushing my hair and massive clumps coming out every time sad my lovely pregnancy hair.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 21-Apr-13 19:31:17

DS is the gift that keeps giving today.

my antibiotics are creating explosive nappies. nuff said!

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:50

I hey the fruity milk smell too. Glad I am not alone. It seems to yo be under my chin and around my neck but I do not know how!

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 21-Apr-13 19:55:09

DD is distraught, he just vommed in her hair grin

Share the wealth boy!

awwwwmannnn Tue 23-Apr-13 21:29:52

DD 2.4 has got me many a time...first time, 4 weeks old, projectile vomiting and sonic poop all over her, me, the changing mat, the sofa and the floor....
fast forward to last weekend, tummy bug hit along with a cold and i had snot, snick and even poop on my face/hair/chest...hell just about everywhere, my lil girl nicely cleaned and sleeping soundly after her evacuation and i'm throwing up in the bathroom coz of the smell and general yuck-i-ness over me....Hour later i'm clean and the bathroom is clean, bedding in washing machine and i'm just about to jump into bed and the sonic poop hits again...oh the joys smile

big up to all us glamorous mummies (and daddies) who get puked, shit, snotted on and still look at our darling little ones like they are best thing since sliced bread....coz they are flowers xxx

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 24-Apr-13 04:11:30

oh the joys of the tummy bug! you poor sod!

Ds's dad and I split before he was born but remain on good terms.

ex only sees him a few times a week. I don't think he believed me when I was telling him I was struggling with DS's crying/tetchy time coinciding with tea-time and DD needing me.

He came this eve, I haven't washed my hair for days and had changed my top twice already due to spew, earlier in the day, only to be spewed on several times again - so I just kept the same top on in the end.

handed DS over, went for a wash/wash hair/clean pjs.

DS kicked off, as he does, I came downstairs after half an hour to find ex plastered in spew and looking a bit frazzled to say the least grin

I pointed out that half an hour out of my 24 hour day had him ready to run for the hills.

I think he "gets" it now grin

awwwwmannnn Wed 24-Apr-13 08:30:56

Well done DS, nothing worse than telling someone how terrible they've been and how bad your day was, only to have your little darling act like a little angel and you get the "what you talking about woman" look lol

so nice when they behave and help you prove a very valid point grin x

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 24-Apr-13 09:46:10

am still feeling an immense sense of "ha ha" after yesterday grin Poor ex not really wink

Piemother Wed 24-Apr-13 10:31:14

When dd2 was little my mum gently suggested I needed spare clothes for me when I went out. After a few days on the trot of dd2 drowning me in sick in public.

CatWithKittens Wed 24-Apr-13 10:42:46

DD1, when aged 27 months, woke from her nap, discarded a dirty nappy in her cot and then painted cot and walls with its contents. As my mother and I walked in she pointed at a leaf on the floor and said "Err - dirty!". At least her sense of priorities lightened the cleaning process.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Wed 24-Apr-13 10:53:28

Pie - I think I will be taking your mum's advice!

Cat - bleurrghhhhh!!! grin

Ohhelpohnoitsa Fri 26-Apr-13 21:42:08

Mmmm, I can top trump your poo and vomit stories. I have had ao
selection of tonsil stones coughed up on me today. If you have never heard of these, like me, they are deposits that have basically been caught in cavities in the throat and get digested and calcified by bacteria. They smell like a garlic clove has got diarrhoea inside a dead persons rotten corpse. I kid you not. That was ds2s contribution. Ds3 kindly keeps wiping his ear infection discharge on to me. Just delightful.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Fri 26-Apr-13 22:27:07

shock what now? just shock. and bleurgh!

we are the snot family at the min. DD has shared her germs, Ive got them and DS is bound to be next!

oh and he's had me up since 430 am, he's slept abd for various reasons I haven't. he is now wide awake.

I'm never going to sleep again an I!? sad sad

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