Issues with mil that's tearing my family apart

(86 Posts)
Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:43:51

Hello everyone. I'm new here but looking for some advice on a situation concerning my mil.

Quick bit about me. Mum to 3 wonderful kids. Dp, is dad to youngest and step dad to older 2 aged 8 and 5.

Mil and I always got on well (I thought) until our baby girls birth approached. I heard comments from her about 'her baby' and I have to be the first to visit, or have a picture or hold her. I found it too much but bit my tongue for arguments sake.

When dd was a few weeks old, she complained we didn't visit. I had a csection and a uterine Infection and dp can't drive :/ the first few weeks were hard.

She then was asking at 2-4 weeks old when she could have her overnight. And even got annoyed at dp for taking her out in the pushchair to school one morning because mil 'hasn't done that yet!'

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place. Things were ok for a bit but things kicked off again.

She haven't seen any of the kids for 9 weeks. She has told dp she wants nothing to do with me at all, but expects him to take all 3 kids up to see her still.

Dp is trying to please all parties but I'm refusing to let them go up her house without me. Why should I be excluded? Can she not be gracious to be nice for an hour or so?

Out compromise was to offer for her to see the kids at our house. It's not our intention to stop her seeing them, but we don't want the older kids to see me excluded and wonder why. She flatly refuses. Claiming ill guess I won't see them then.

What do we do? It's pulling me and dp apart and I often doubt wether im being reasonable or not.

There is alot more to this story but Ivd kept it simple. For info, this is her first grandchild. She was happy to accept my other kids, but now feel her 'blood' grandchild is more important. I'd like my kids to be treated the same

Please, please help.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:52:34

Sorry, but thought I should add youngest is now nearly 6 months old. X

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 06:53:40

I think it is DP's job to tell her that you are a family and she will be seeing all if you, she has an open invitation to your house and you will not be visiting unless you are all welcome. At the same time he needs to tell her that he has 3 children and not one child and he isn't going to have favouritism. He will have to be tough.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 06:54:54

Once he has told her then it is up to her.

Tee2072 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:55:40

Well, then, she won't see them. Her loss.

Well, I think I would let him go with the baby TBH.
Now is not the time for point scoring or people getting offended or you and your MIL staring at each other daggers drawn, or chancing the possibility of her saying something to offend you.

This is the man you love and have married. Hopefully you will be married to him for a long time. If you are already worrying that this is 'tearing your family apart' something has to change.
This is your child's grandmother and always will be.

It is time to start to rebuild some bridges and the first brick is a visit by your DH with the PFG. Then SLOWLY build up to a friendly relationship with your MIL.

Be kind, be dignified and be diplomatic.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 07:06:03

If I was him I would not go with the baby- he has 3 equal children. She has 3 grandchildren. I have DSs who are half brothers- all the grandparents treat them equally - it never came up, but no way would I let them single one out for favouritism and have first and second class grandchildren.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:06:23

Norksaremessy- why only let dp visit with the baby? What about the other 2?

Mil is not at all interested in building a relationship with me. Ever.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 07:07:11

It is all very well being 'dignified and diplomatic' for yourself- but not when you are allowing someone to treat your children differently.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 07:09:56

Joanne- that is her problem- don't take it on yourself, or DP. She knows where you are, she knows you are a family- the rest is up to her. Just tell her that you are ready and willing to be friendly - but it is up to her and then leave it.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:14:25

Exotic - thanks Hun. Dp hates seeing his mum upset and I think she plays the passive aggressive card by crying to him so he gets annoyed at me because his mum isn't happy. She sits back and waits for him to solve I rather thank picking the phone up and being able to sort it herself.

Im happy to be nice so she can come here to see the kids. Why can't she accept? I'm lost for words. Her winning has become more important that seeing the kids sad

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 07:16:27

Can't you both go and see her and talk it over? It seems emotional blackmail to me.

tribpot Sat 06-Apr-13 07:21:37

Her winning has become more important that seeing the kids

Well, so what? You have stated your terms, they are fair. If your DP doesn't like it, and can demonstrate why he thinks they aren't fair then you have something to discuss. Unless he can or will do that, there's nothing more to be said, is there? Given the game-playing and possessiveness already demonstrated, there is every reason to suppose she will use your absence to say things to the children you would not want them to hear and/or to favour the baby in front of your other two children.

Unless your DP can come up with a reasonable alternative, there's no reason why this should pull you apart. This is his problem to solve.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:24:18

I've been offering (via dp ) to talk for 9 weeks. She outright refuses saying she's done nothing wrong and wants nothing to do with me

I feel she has been wrong at times but have told dp I'm not asking for an apology, just not to be excluded. She has no compromise In her. Her way or no way.

If im honest its got so bad I'm not fussed if she sees them, but I accept she should hence why we invited her to ours. We felt it gave everyone a bit of what they wanted. X

tribpot Sat 06-Apr-13 07:28:37

If she wanted to see them, she would be. Instead she wants to use them in a power game. Her loss.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 06-Apr-13 07:30:51

Is there anyone in the family she does listen to that can tell to get a grip (unless the stuff you've left means it's not surprising she wants nothing to do with you)

AThingInYourLife Sat 06-Apr-13 07:30:56

If she won't have anything to do with you, she can't have anything to do with your children.

I'd stop offering and make that clear and tell your DP to grow the fuck up.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:38:41

The stuff I've left out is just more of what's gone on. Ita sll very dimilar i just didn't want to go on for ages. We always got on well until I refused to hand over our baby for her to have all day and overnight x

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:40:55

I'm quite happy to admit I've said things I shouldn't and I've apologised. The times I've had a go at her have been on 2 occasions over her insisting her right to have the baby overnight x.

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 06-Apr-13 07:49:25

I hate this kind of emotional blackmail game your MIL is playing op, she is behaving like a teenager. If it were me I wouldn't engage with it at all because it's such silliness. She wants to see her grandchild, fair enough. But she's more than old enough to know that she doesn't get to set conditions on that relationship. Ultimately it's your DP's problem to solve. Him getting cross with you because he'd like everyone just to get along like magic is kind of childish too. You've made your position clear, it's totally reasonable, don't feel at all like you need to fix anything.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 06-Apr-13 07:54:05

Then I would be suggesting to dh he tries once more and make it clear this is the last invite as if she refuses she will need to make the effort.

At the end of the day you can't make her but you can give her facts and a choice come round and see the baby or don't.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Sat 06-Apr-13 07:57:03

Is she specific about why she doesn't want anything to do with you? If its something you said that she has taken huge offence at is it something you can smooth over for the sake of your DP? I'm not suggesting you're in the wrong but sometimes it's worth it for an easy life. Or maybe you could build a bridge by sending the children and your DP to her for one visit so you've met her "conditions" and stress that next time you're all included. You could be "busy" so your older children don't see you being excluded, and you'll take away her complaint that you're not letting her see the children.

She sounds like hard work, but she is your DP's mother and he must feel awful stuck in the middle. We grew up with a difficult GP and it was horrible as children. Best to see if you can nip it in the bud IMO.

TheSloppelganger Sat 06-Apr-13 08:01:38

If she really desperately wanted to see her son and grandchildren then she'd get over her hissy fit and come and visit you all, or accept that having you darken her doors was the price for having her son and GCs come to visit.

As you don't sound as if you've done anything dreadful to warrant such exclusion she sounds like a selfish old baggage who just wants things all her way - no matter what.

I don't think you can do anything other than have your DP keep meeting every emotional blackmail attempt with the declaration that he, you and the kids are a family, and you all come as a package deal and she can't just pick and choose which people she wants to see from a family unit.

So she can see all of you, or none of you.

Her choice.

She sounds ridiculous. It's a fight over control of dp & your youngest dd now. Really dp needs to stand up to her & make clear to her that she is not his immediate family unit now.

I wouldn't back down or meet her half way (your offers are perfectly reasonable) or she'll get into a competition over every single issue she can.

In a way I'd say you've already "backed down" but only to a fair compromise. You could have taken the same stance as your MIL and said "I've done nothing wrong, you've been a dick and I want nothing more to do with you." and refused to let her in your house.

As it is, you've offered a very fair solution, but refused to pander to her power games. Not only do I think you're being very reasonable, but I also think that's a good example to set for your children.

AnAirOfHope Sat 06-Apr-13 08:20:33

YANBU

She sounds dysfunctional to me and maybe narc.

Dont panda to her set boundries with your dp that are reasonable and then stick to it.

Your dp needs to tell his mum that HE has these conditions and that its a joint decission and that you are a family.

Get caller id on phone, only let dp talk to her and.come up together with phrases such as “yes we said you can see the children at our home“ “thats your.chose“ and repeat.

Its your dp you need to communicate with. He needs to see you as a family unit and.his mum as unreasonable.

I still think she is making it all about her sad

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 08:36:40

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate it. I've tried to be basic with the facts to get a clear picture. But, IMO mil just can't share.

She doesn't even let fil (her husband) hold the baby. When we've visited before she just sulks and pouts if anyone dare take the baby off her sad

I know I've done wrong by texting her but I felt pushed around and dp tends not to stand up to her. His 4 other siblings are blanking me or 'giving us space' to sort ourselves out sad it's added weight to dp thinkings it's us not her sad x

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 08:41:17

I also thinks she finds it hard realising her son has grown up and can make his own choices without her approval. She thinks if she disapproves of me, he will 'fix it' x

ENormaSnob Sat 06-Apr-13 08:46:07

Ffs I wouldn't be pandering to this shit.

Leave her to it.

I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near the poisonous old bitch.

QTPie Sat 06-Apr-13 08:48:22

Hi Joanne

How horrible sad

I think there are two important things here:
- firstly a big, honest talk with your DP: you need to be an honestly united front on this - don't let your MIL drive a wedge in between the pair of you.
- secondly keep that open invitation in place: that she is very welcome to visit.

Try your best (easily said..) not to let it effect you and your family. You cannot change your MIL, you can only get on your lives and survive her behaviour.

DorisIsWaiting Sat 06-Apr-13 08:50:09

Your DP is conditioned by her to see this as normal - it is NOT!

Using the rest of the family as a bullying gang is not plseant either and is designed to make you toe the line.

Do not back down any further you have made a very reasonable offer if she wishes to refuse that it is her choice. She does not get to control your child.

Small note if she does change her mind, don't lket her monopolise the baby again make sure FIL get a look in. Let her sulk and pout and treat her like a sulky toddler ignore ignore ignore.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 06-Apr-13 08:57:24

I can imagine its all 'if mums so upset it must be bad' and her not wanting to talk about it. This is why I asked if there was anyone in the family she would listen to. Is their a sibling dh does get on well with, one he can have a drink and discuss it with?

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 09:02:13

They are all on her side sad I'm the evil cow who dared upset her. They've not had kids so have no idea how it feels to have someone demand you hand over your baby x

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Sat 06-Apr-13 09:24:18

Joanne I'm not saying you're in the wrong at all, but if she's like this with the whole family she won't change. You and your DP have to find a way to make things work for his sake (if he's been controlled by her all his life he'll be really struggling now). He won't even realise how abnormal this is yet.

What does he say about it all? And can you swallow your pride and apologise for the upset caused by the text? You know, by the sounds of it, that you were in the wrong texting her so apologise for that to smooth things over. She will be your life for some years so be the bigger person in this matter. Your DP will thank you for it.

Also, when this is smoothed over and there is much less direct stress you and your DP can work out together how to handle her in the future. Whilst difficult parents are in one of their rages it's all but impossible to think rationally as you're conditioned to pander to them.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 09:29:23

Hi joanne I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. Mine and DP first dc is due in a couple of weeks and MIL expected behavior was worrying me to death. It started when she assumed she would be at birth then when told other wise stated she would wait in car out side.

She is a bit of a steam roller and all ways on the edge so no one really wants to upset her as the tears flow easily when called on some thing. This isn't her first dgc either, its just completly a control thing. She see her dgc as extensions of her sons/hers self.

Luckily my dh had started standing up to her, when she pulls him to one side to complain, your dh has to as well. MIL won't listen to us horrible dil as they don't respect us.

You have been given some great advice about not bending over backwards but still opening your home to her....(even though, I would like to dead bolt it!)
I'm doing my best to stand my ground on issues with dh support as my sil as endured years of hell of her!

Also all three of your kids are equal, don't let her single baby out. It's all or nothing. Good luck hun x

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 06-Apr-13 09:31:47

What other members of the family? This is also where you do the invite and if she refuses then at least you can say you tried.

Really though you both have to make the decision to stop letting it affect you.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 09:32:56

P.s don't apologize for nothing..my sil apologized at Christmas for some thing she didn't even say/do just so she could get through the day as MIL had not spoken to her in 5 months and she was 'visiting' . It sets the tone. X

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Sat 06-Apr-13 09:43:27

She wouldn't be apologising for nothing, she says in the first post she sent a rude text message.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 09:52:10

I don't see the benefit of it really, MIL as continuously rude through out. I don't think she is/will offer any apologises. Op was marking boundries for her family which is soooo hard to MIL sometime, I know! Back tracking will just undermine that and MIL will all ways expect an apology to open lines of communication again.

Best to draw a line under every thing, say she is all ways welcome, door all ways open ect

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 09:53:04

Crappy phone on bad grammar!!

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Sat 06-Apr-13 10:40:02

I see your point but in my experience people like the OP's MIL will hang their hat on the one thing it's reasonable to be upset about - the rude text - and will use that to smear the OP. Best get that dealt with so she has nothing to back up her position.

Then when this is smoothed over proper boundaries can be drawn rather than the ones thrown up in battle.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:31

My MIL will all ways have some thing to hang her hat on! It's my penance for stealing her son!

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 11:17:00

Thanks everyone.

I really get the whole apology thing in order to give her nothing to moan about but I have apologised. And no, she has never directly apologised, only said sorry we misunderstood when we fell out last time.

I guess I was just looking to see if people thought it was ok for her to push me out. The responses have told me this just isn't on

I think we both need to be adults and accept each other in the others life, but she isn't willing. X

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 11:19:40

Stealing her son!!!! Lol exactly. I took what was hers!

It's also a way for me to prove to dp that's we've been fair and its her unwillingness to help herself for the kids sake.. He is really struggling with knowing what or who is right x

TheFallenNinja Sat 06-Apr-13 11:25:43

Tell her she gets nothing on her terms or something on your terms.

Take it or leave it.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 11:35:16

I'm hoping to show dp these messages to hopefully give him the courage to see her behaviour isn't ok.

Please keep them coming. I'm open to being told I can be wrong. I was told by dp I spent more time at my parents than his. I took this on board and make far more of an effort. She invited me out once. Every other time I went to see her if was because I asked her if j could come. And now this sad

If I'm wrong, so be it, I'll do mh best to fix it. Your comments are so so appreciated x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 11:48:18

Generally I stand up for MILs ,as I think they get a poor deal, but in this case she has a problem of her own making.
It is emotional blackmail and the only way to cope with it is not to give in.
I think that I would write a letter with your DP saying that you are both very sorry that things are the way they are, BUT you are a family of 5 people and you intend to remain that way. She is very welcome in your house and you would hope that you would be welcome in hers and able to have a fully functional family relationship. I would go on to say that the present relationship is very dysfunctional and not something that you want to subject any of your children to-that you would like to draw a line under anything that is past and start afresh. However-it is her choice-basically what The FallenNinja says -but not as blunt.
If she doesn't start afresh then you will have to stick to the blunt 'take it or leave it'. Most adults that I know realise that if they want to keep their DS or DD they need to compromise.
(there is also no need for her to have a small baby overnight until they have built up a relationship and you are comfortable with it-and then it seems odd if she has never had the siblings).

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 11:51:15

joanne there is only so much you can do. She isn't your mother or blood relative. I would have loved to have been really close to her like at start but ultimately she thought there was only going to be one dominant female in my dh life and she assumed it would be her.
The best way I deal with it is never bad mouth his mother and say rather " it frustrated me..or I feel bullied when she does ect..." Regardless how much my dh knows his mother uses emotional black mail at the end of day its his mum and he loves/feels sorry for her. He will how ever back me up when push comes to shove. As I would him. Infact I used that as an example once..that I would never let my father talk/treat him in that way.

Tell ur DP ur boundries and leave him to deal with it. U cant fix his mum its down to DP x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 11:55:06

It is a problem of over controlling mothers (there are plenty on here!)and DSs, in particular, seem very bad at standing up to them-they then meet a partner who won't put up with it and the problems start!
There was a whole thread about women being 'emotion keepers' and keeping men 'sweet,' but I think this is a very common problem and everyone has kept her sweet-no doubt FIL does the same. Have you tried to talking to FIL about it?
DP must have had problems with her before he met you-he needs to break the pattern. I would show him this thread-he needs to make a stand now.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 12:19:42

joanne there is only so much you can do. She isn't your mother or blood relative. I would have loved to have been really close to her like at start but ultimately she thought there was only going to be one dominant female in my dh life and she assumed it would be her.
The best way I deal with it is never bad mouth his mother and say rather " it frustrated me..or I feel bullied when she does ect..." Regardless how much my dh knows his mother uses emotional black mail at the end of day its his mum and he loves/feels sorry for her. He will how ever back me up when push comes to shove. As I would him. Infact I used that as an example once..that I would never let my father talk/treat him in that way.

Tell ur DP ur boundries and leave him to deal with it. U cant fix his mum its down to DP x

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 12:20:37

Twatty phone!

lifesobeautiful Sat 06-Apr-13 12:38:52

She sounds like my mil - a total control freak and just likes to take over. When she found out I was pregnant she sent me a text saying - please send me over a list of what you're buying for the baby - as I want to replicate the nursery at our house. And - can't wait to meet OUR baby girl - we'll drive you home from the hospital and stay for the first few days to help. Needless to say that did NOT happen....

You haven't done anything wrong. Don't give in otherwise she'll always rule the roost. You've offered her a solution - stick to your guns. If you want to help your DP or it's really worrying you - you could call her and try and calm the situation if possible. Say you're sorry things have escalated, how about a truce, fancy coming for lunch/tea soon? If she STILL refuses to end her hissy fit - then really - there's nothing more you can do. Good luck.

wafflingworrier Sat 06-Apr-13 12:51:31

i totally agree with above posts and advice to stick to your guns, just thought i'd share a "silver lining" as my own mum had very similar problems with her mother in law for about ten years;
basically, my grandparents told my mum she was just marrying my dad for a british passport (she is german. she has not changed to british nationality) and did not approve of the marriage at all. my parents had 3 children in 3 years, first grandchildren so MIL became VERY intrusive. they basically argued about everything eg granny wanted to buy a pram, mum picked one, granny refused to buy because was different to what she wanted to buy. mum never let us have sweets, so whenever at granny's granny would purposefully load us up with them. etc. etc.

anyway, my mum stuck to her guns, any presents that were unacceptable (eg a bunsen burner! for my 6 yr old brother!!( were left at grandparents house. they argued a lot but my dad backed my mum up.

i found this out a few years ago, my parents never told us at the time so as not to ruin our relationship with our grandparents.

once my granny gave in things were fine. so much so that in my granny's last years my mum actually became the favourite daughter in law and they became quite close-it just took my granny needing to chill out and grow up and accept my mum as she was.

so there is hope! stick to your guns, protect your children from the worst of it + best of luck

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 13:12:38

Actually it is a good point that if you stick to your guns you may- 10-20 yrs down the line -get on well. If you do it on her terms you haven't even got that possibility, she will walk all over you.

lola88 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:32:24

tbh i'd just let him take the kids without you, if you don't get on i really don't see the point in you going at all. It seems like each of you are trying to win but no one is if anything it's your dp and the kids that are losing out.

She just sounds over excited nothing she wants to do seems terrible to me. I don't see the point in getting into a fight about it when you could just let them go and have a few hours on your own to relax. If the kids ask why your not going tell them your having some mummy time an atmosphere would be worse for them and no matter how nice you act towards your mil they will know it's acting.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:45:18

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the comments.

Lola, if I was trying to win, I would tell her to do one. But I appreciate she should have a relationship with the kids so have offered s compromise.

I don't see why I should allow her to have my kids to herself because she can't be gracious enough to accept me as their mother. She may not like me, but I think I deserve her respect, as she deserves mine x

ClaireDeTamble Sat 06-Apr-13 14:56:33

Will she talk to you at all? If so, use her desire to have the baby overnight to get her to see sense:

MIL, I am quite happy for you to have Dd overnight when she is ready and at least xx months old. However, this will only happen if she knows you well and I trust you with her. You need to accept that either we visit you as a complete family or you come to ours. The longer you go without seeing the gc out of stubborness, the smaller the possibility gets of you ever having dd overnight. This is the last thing I will say on the matter, the ball is in your court.

The just walk away and leave her to it. If she won't talk to you send her a letter.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:12:10

My advice is always smile and nod-but not if you don't have a relationship. I couldn't accept that all my family were welcome in a house -as long as they left me at home. What sort of message is that giving children?........not one that I am willing to give mine.
Imagine children trying to explain it to others.......as in 'we all spent the day at granny's house but mummy is not allowed to come'-at some point wouldn't they think this cruel and wonder why their father didn't stand up for mum? In any other context that children come across it would be called bullying. It would be a bit difficult at school when they discuss bullying behaviour and include excluding one person and DD pipes up 'my granny does it'!

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:20:27

And thinking ahead-what happens at Christmas, Grandma's birthday etc until way in the future DCs weddings? It needs sorting now. DP has to to do it.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 15:30:30

Don't even get my started Hun. We're getting married next year. Can you imagine!? It's just stupid. Don't even want to think about it sad we've even considered not inviting anyone (including my family) just to avoid the atmosphere sad x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:44:24

Even more reason to get it sorted. It hinges on DP. Is FIL any use-can you get him on your side to give a helping hand. Does MIL have problems in general-does she have friends, a job, hobbies etc?

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 15:52:39

Fil is stood firmly behind mil sad he is dp's step dad and has no kids of his own so to speak. He doesn't know how it feels either to have to hand over your newborn sad

I'm strong enough to stand up to her sh*t but dp is struggling so much. I think he's worried he'll be outcast as well if he doesn't give her what she wants. It's controlling but he doesn't see it. Mil should respect his desicions not outcast him for not agreeing with her x

fridayfreedom Sat 06-Apr-13 16:10:48

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I have read a few times about Grandparents wanting the baby to stay overnight with them and can't get my head around why they think it is a reasonable expectation. If you ask them to have the baby then fine but to decorate nurseries etc WTF?
Stick to your guns, if you don't want it to happen then ther is no further discussion, seeing the baby in the daytime is enough to form a relationship with them.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 16:58:01

I would show DP the thread. You really can't give in for an easy life in the short term-the implications for the long term are horrible.
The bottom line is does he want his children thinking it is normal for their grandmother to exclude the mother-when they are taught that this is bullying?
The prospect of a 4 year old saying 'my mummy doesn't come with us to granny's house because granny doesn't like her'-isn't a nice one.
It is also almost 100% sure that if MIL does get DD on her own it will be a drip, drip of 'your mummy should do this' -'your mummy doesn't do x properly' -not to mention giving her things she knows she isn't allowed at home.
DP has to make a stand. (he should have done it years ago)

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:28:48

Thanks exotic. You've been so helpful today. You all have smile

Dp and I have argued so much lately because we're both touchy because of this. It's approaching 10 weeks which is enough to test anyone's patience x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 17:40:33

I don't think that I have been any help-unfortunately. Normally I am the ones standing up for MILs, but in this case I feel sorry for you. I have 3 DSs-you don't get to choose their partners-you have to make a relationship with whoever they choose.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:02:06

I wouldn't send kids on own either but I bet ur other two wouldn't get a look in now any way.

It's basically MIL getting what she wants. She has to realise that DP had his own family now and to be part of it she has to

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:05:03

Posted too soon! MIL had to learn she had to respect you as a mother and DP partner.

Good luck, we had suisidal threats just before Christmas because no one had invited her over! X

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 18:58:54

Really? My heart goes out to you. Nothing like emotional blackmail :/ x

Sparklymommy Sat 06-Apr-13 20:13:43

I really feel for you honey. When I had my first child she was the first grandchild on every side. My DHs family made me ill with their attitude in the first year. Two days after my baby came home from hospital I was "summoned" to MIL and FILs house with the child as SIL had come in to see the baby. They lived at the end of our road. DH tried to say that I wanted to spend the time at home, to rest, and establish feeding patterns, but SIL was welcome to visit is at home. To which my FIL told him I was being unreasonable as SIL "had lots of bags and things for the baby". I have in to keep the peace but I was fuming. I had a child after all!! And all the paraphernalia that comes with!

Things didn't get much better and MIL and SIL were for ever trying to take my baby away from me, constantly asking to have her and generally undermining me. When my DD was 3 months old I tried to reach a compromise by saying that MIL could have her every other Friday afternoon. That soon turned into every Friday, and the times got stretched to all day.

When Dd was ten months old SIL asked to have her for the day and I said no. I had my reasons. I thought nothing more of it until a few days later when my husband came home from visiting his brother in a bit of a strop. A huge row ensued as BIL and his gf had given my DH a hard time because I had refused to let SIL have our DD. he tried to get me to change my mind because they were putting pressure on me but I dug my heels in and stuck to my guns. Dd was 10 months old and I was not going to be bullied by them. They didn't like it because my DH (the youngest of the siblings) had always done what they wanted and now they couldn't control him. For two months things were very hard and then after I got really depressed and unhappy and lots of bad things were said my dad stepped in to help. As a result we kissed and made up with my SIL but BIL refused to let things lie and carried on the feud.

Just after my DDs first birthday we set a date for our wedding. The following week BIL announced his engagement to his interfering gf. Having not spoken to us for two months we were graced with a visit. Basically they were demanding to have my DD as a bridesmaid. I refused. They sat in my lounge and told me it was there right, even if they didn't like me because DD was their neice. Again I stuck to my guns and said no. That was 9 years ago. We received a wedding invite to my DH and my Dd. my DH went, but made it clear that Dd and I were a package and so she wouldn't be attending. They have since disowned the entire family. My MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband. The last time we saw them was at a funeral.

Apparently it is all my fault because I turned the whole family against them. I didn't. I have attempted to build bridges over the years and found it very hard as my Dd was close to her uncle. I am now resigned to the fact that they will never be a part of my families life. They tried everything to split me and DH up, accusing me of having affairs, starting rumours that DD wasn't my DHs. They even told a mutual friend that I was easy and would sleep with him if he came onto me. That one made me really angry. But at the end of the day they are the ones missing out because my kids are amazing and they are not a part of their lifes.

Zamboni Sat 06-Apr-13 20:24:55

Bloody hell sparkly.

OP, you have been reasonable in offering a compromise. Your DP needs to stand firm behind you. I don't understand why a grandparent would want to separate a baby from its mother before the mother is ready! Can they not recall what it was like to have their own? I've never been more grateful for my own parents and PIL who would never presume to tell me when they would like the baby and who have always been very grateful for babysitting opportunities and mindful of "sharing" with the other set of GPs.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 20:26:23

Wow Hun, I thought I had it bad. I feel for you.

Dp's sister told me she wanted nothing to do with 'my 2 kids' but 'you can't stop me seeing the other one!' Um, wanna bet love?!

We're getting married next year. Mil has now announced they are re newing their vows. I'm sure it's an attention thing.

It's so so sad sad I read on another post somewhere that the new baby is part of the in law family, but the dil is not. It's so true. We're never treated the same as the rest of them. Never equal. Cast aside so easily like trash.

I cannot thank you all enough for your messages. I am relieved that I'm clearly not the only one who thinks she is unreasonable. Just need to convince dp that's its ok to saw no to her x

Mytimewillcome Sat 06-Apr-13 21:35:23

Just wanted to add please stand your ground. Its all about you setting boundaries. I went through the same thing and once she realised that I wasn't going to hand over DS1 to her or let her get away with her belittling comments to me ie trying to make out that she was more important than me; she was much better once DS2 came along. I am still on my guard with her and don't like or trust her but she can see my children on my terms not hers. And its because she has backed off she still has a relationship with my children. When my DH backed her instead of me I still stuck to my guns and he eventually came round as he realised what he could lose. One of my friends gave me the best advice that I relayed to him 'does he think that his future is with his mother or with you and his children?'. It worked.

daytoday Sun 07-Apr-13 14:03:54

Your youngest baby is Only 6 months old and your MIL has dominated the emotional landscape. What a horrible thing to do to your own son when he has just had a baby. This should be a special time for your family to adjust to this new bundle.

Your Husband needs to think about how upset he is feeling and whether he would cause such conflict when your own children become parents. Of course he wouldn't.

Mil is behaving badly.

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:19:25

Thanks everyone but after showing dp all the posts, it's had the opposite effect sad

I Feel his mum seeing the kids is more important than me as their mother and as his partner. I'm asking him to choose us, just a solution that's fair. Instead we've argued all day sad

Thank you all for your comments x x x

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:40:59

Oops. Meants to say I'm NOT asking him to choose us, just a solution that fair x

seriouscakeeater Sun 07-Apr-13 17:48:58

oh what a sad out come sad Joanne, no one is more important to those kids than you.

Don't argue with DP at all now, just stand your ground. Could you really be in a relationship with some one that puts his mother over his wife (to be) for the rest of your life? Its like the MIL becomes the OW sometimes, its just not on. You have to think of your mental health through out this now and what effect it will have on ALL your children.

My mil sometimes makes her dgc feel uncomfortable telling them how much nanna is all ways there for them and how much she loves them whilst clutching them, they ultimately will all ways love there mother more and are becoming old enough to see that MIL treats there mother so badly all though one of them will ring her up for a mcdonalds when grounded and she will be there in a flash!

You and ALL your kids come as a package, stay firm hun flowers what happens next will probably determine what happens for the rest of your life. x

exoticfruits Sun 07-Apr-13 19:56:44

How strange that he can read it all and not see that his mother is a problem. hmm
I wouldn't argue with him- just tell him that you and the children are a package - repeat as necessary - like a broken record - and stand firm.
If she doesn't accept this then the rest of your life will be very difficult.
I find it difficult to believe that he finds it acceptable for his children to say 'my granny doesn't like mummy and we have to visit without her'. It isn't a message I want my children to get- I would expect it to be 'we are the adults, we talk about it and sort it'.
Stand firm.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 20:23:34

I think you should focus on the siblings. Call them directly and arrange things. She will hate it as she clearly thinks you are a threat. Once you have one of the inlaws on side the rest should follow.
Take dh out of the equation as he is in a difficult situation. Do your own planning and calling.

BlueberryHill Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:23

Maybe your DH is finding it difficult to cope seeing his mothers behaviour in black and white and is denying that this is the case as far as his mother is concerned? An initial reaction is to defend his mother. Once he does admit that she is in the wrong, he then has to do something about it, something which he has never done before in his life in standing up to his mother and to his whole family. He probably doesn't want to do this and so does the 'easiest' thing for him, which is to get you to concede again. Maybe he needs time to come round to it.

pollypandemonium Sun 07-Apr-13 21:50:22

How did he react when he read the posts?

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:35:08

She is playing a game that could drive her away from what she sees as her only GC. She has three and needs to treat them all the same. My brothers and sisters are much older than me and a different dad. I used to go nutts when my GM would say "but they are only your half brothers and sisters". It may be like that in some families but its not like that in mine and I used to tell her so. She used to tell me it wasn't my place to say things like that (I was only eight to be fair to her and perhaps should have shown a little more respect) but it really did hurt me.

I suppose the gist is if she isn't careful she will miss out on every "babies first" and not just the odd one.

Joanne279 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:34:36

Thanks everyone. I do honestly agree that dp is finding it hard to admit. I love him and trying to support him thru it. It's just hard when it's making me feel like shit.

I'm defo standing my ground on this one. If I back down, mil will think its ok to do it over anything we disagree on and that's just not how I plan on living my life smile x

soapandhorny Tue 09-Apr-13 09:09:37

Joanne you actually have a lot more power than you think as a DIL. Yes, you will never be part of their family (only really lucky women get to be that) but that works both ways as in, they are not really part of yours if they do not act nicely toward you.

When a DIL doesn't get on with MIL, the MIL doesn't get consulted on anything, asked her advice, told of cute things that happened that day, doesn't get invited to plays, birthday parties etc. and generally is not included. On the other side she gets to see the GC once in a while when the DIL agrees to let them go over. OK, so you will feel crap when they do, but the truth is MIL will miss out on a lot more in the long run. You won't see your kids for a couple of hours.

On the other hand when you have a nice MIL, she is included, loved and a valuable, important person in the family who can offer unlimited support.

So really, who do you think the winner is in this situation.

Your DH will come around. Don't back down or you will not only lose this fight but they will push you out further.

WishIdbeenatigermum Tue 09-Apr-13 09:15:05

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place
What did you say, exactly?

mummy2benji Wed 10-Apr-13 18:49:30

Stunned.... My dd2 is 5 months old and I would not leave her overnight with her dad (my dh!) without my being there, never mind a grandparent. And my in-laws are wonderful and very hands on with the kids, despite living a few hours away. Ds1 stayed with them for the first time on his own when he was 3. It is totally unreasonable for her to demand to have your lo overnight. If she is desperate to spend time with her, take it slow and let her take her for a walk in the buggy, or babysit at home for a few hours. Definitely not overnight at her house - that is just insane. Her demanding this of you and putting you in such an awkward position is totally unreasonable, and your dp needs to 'man up' in my opinion and tell her that. And insisting she will only see her grandchild without mum being there is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Errrr..... NO. Just no.

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