Why do people not believe I'm happy with boys?

(51 Posts)
chickling Fri 05-Apr-13 13:53:06

Has anyone else experienced this? I am a very proud and happy mum to DS1 (3) and DS2 (4months). Lots of people said "oh, you'll go again for your girl" when ds2 was born-even the midwives! When I was 6 months preg, v close friend asked if we knew what we were having. I said yes and that we were very happy. Friend said " you must be having a girl then because everyone wants one of each and why would you be happy with another boy." maybe it's because I had 2 mc before ds1, also I'm 36 now and don't want to push my luck having another one. If I did get pregnant again however, it would be to have a third baby- not necessarily a girl. How awful for families with 3 or 4 or more of one gender where parents are disappointed. Rant over. Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this kind of attitude/ comment. I'm not trying to convince myself btw! Just after ds2 was born I had lovely warm feeling of pure happiness wash over me. I truly appreciate how lucky I am.

Allegrogirl Fri 05-Apr-13 14:56:20

I get the same having two girls. 'Better luck next time' and 'daddy must be disappointed' were common remarks when DD2 was born. My mum sounded very deflated when I rang from the hospital with the happy news. My dad has asked if we're planning a third when we have always said two would be our limit.

I have a brother and assumed we would have one of each but now my girls are growing up together so happily it seems we have the perfect combination for our family. Boy/boy and girl/boy would also have been wonderful.

I still get slighltley niggled with the extra special congratulations heaped on couples who managed to produce the opposite sex second time around. My family is just as fabulous as the perfect one of each.

chickling Fri 05-Apr-13 15:06:57

@Allegro I know what you mean about people seeming to congratulate women more who have 'one of each'. When a colleague gave birth to a daughter after 2 sons, people said things like " I'm so happy for X. She's finally got her wee girl." would they have said 'better luck next time' if she'd had a third boy?! I agree that people seem to think women want girls and men want boys. People say some daft things.

I have 3 boys, on finding out DS3 was a boy I got lots of sympathy, condolences and comments about how I'll be 'outnumbered' and how long before we try again because we have to have a girl too....

I was angry people setting my sons up to be disappointments and failures before they are even born.

What makes it worse is we would like another eventually but I'm terrified that since it will be a last baby we will be deemed ultimate failures if we dare produce another boy.

Some people are idiots plain and simple.

For what it's worth, I love my boys to bits and I can't wait to have 3 lovely men around me when they're older and if I have a girl next that will be great, just as a great as another boy.

Owllady Fri 05-Apr-13 15:10:21

I think people have a downer on boys in general tbh but reading this thread it appears it an go either way. I know my dad was not a man in his family's eyes hmm until he had a son angry

it's a load of outdated shit. people need to get and grip and grow up

Catchingmockingbirds Fri 05-Apr-13 15:15:27

With the exception of your friend who made that strange comment to you, I think the other comments are just one of those daft things that people say when they're making conversation. I've a son already and would love another little boy, I'm pregnant just now and we found out it's a little girl which I'm obviously still overjoyed but have had lots of comments saying things like 'oh is that you done now you've got one of each?' hmm. Then the other day I actually caught myself saying to my cousin who has two boys and said he didn't want more 'oh do you not want to try for a little sister' blush.

hambo Fri 05-Apr-13 15:20:56

I have two boys and was at a checkout. The girl could see my toddler boy but not the baby....she asked if it were a girl or boy. When she heard it was a boy she said ' better luck next time'!!!!!! I nearly collapsed!

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Fri 05-Apr-13 15:21:20

I got it a lot as I have four boys, then we had a bonus baby... Dd and she is now 27mths and I am still getting comments on how I finally got my ngirl and a must be so pleased yadda yada yadda.

I totally assumed I would have a5th boy and had no preference.

I think people are just trying to make conversation....

Owllady Fri 05-Apr-13 15:28:53

I think people don't think before they open their mouths tbh. I have an older girl and two boys but my daughter is severely disabled and I have had complete strangers ask me 'does it only affects girls' or only affect your girls

LexyMa Fri 05-Apr-13 15:29:50

My parents have a neighbour in his 70s who has two daughters and a son (no idea what order). He said to them once he was disappointed about not having grandchildren, as his son had spent a 20 year career in the Royal Marines and never married, didn't look like he would now. A little later, it transpired that both the daughters have children, but they "didn't count" for some reason?? Find that really sad.

weebarra Fri 05-Apr-13 15:31:21

I'm pregnant with DC3 and already have two boys. I'd be very happy with either sex although people don't seem to believe me!

Startail Fri 05-Apr-13 15:33:34

Two the same sex is far easier and a bit cheaper.
Despite being very very different, my two DDs do muck about with hair, make up and discussions of twilight together. They also sometimes go to the same clubs.

They rub along with each others friends in a way, I suspect b/g siblings don't.

The mixed sex siblings I know do their best to ignore each other.

MrsRadicchio Fri 05-Apr-13 15:44:06

I had midwives saying it to me in hospital after ds2 was born. I was in post birth fog but now I think it's so rude! It feels v dismissive of poor ds2.

ToomuchWaternotWine Fri 05-Apr-13 15:45:41

I have one boy, now 6, and most people know I am happy with my boy. But when he was around 2/3 I got a LOT of comments/questions like "but don't you want a girl, you know for YOU" or "won't you be trying for a girl soon?" Er no, thanks, I really don't need some kind of matching set like salt and pepper shakers, cheers. And I was a tomboy myself so am much happier playing Lego and dinosaurs than attempting to fake interest in pink barbies, if I had ended up with a "girly" girl. But I still get lots of comments of "oh JUST the one child?" As if people can't believe I automatically wanted two, as if its a natural given.

OP Yanbu.

ToomuchWaternotWine Fri 05-Apr-13 15:46:54

Believe I havent sorry and no it's not a Freudian slip, just autocorrect!

Worriedaboutapal Fri 05-Apr-13 15:49:03


I always reply: i always imagined myself with two boys (its true)

LegoAcupuncture Fri 05-Apr-13 15:51:52

I have three boys. I adore them. I would adore the if they had been girls.

I was told last year (by a mother of 4 girls) that my life would not be complete unless I had a girl.

Ignore ignorant comments.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 15:56:39

I think people are being very thoughtless and rude if they are telling you that you must be dissapointed with having all boys or all girls. angry I wouldn't dream of saying something like that. The same goes for people who have no kids or only one kid.

That said, I have two boys and a girl and, had the third been a boy, I would have gone on to 'try' for a girl. blush however, I would not have been dissapointed if a forth child was a boy too IYSWIM

There are advantages and is advantages to each and every combination so it's not worth worrying about. smile

redandyellowbits Fri 05-Apr-13 15:56:52

I have 3DDs, and people are always asking if we are going to try for a boy. I say no, we always wanted three and are happy thank you.

I think it's mostly just well-meaning people trying to make not very polite conversation.

skratta Fri 05-Apr-13 16:00:01

I have three girls and one boy, in that order.

DTDs were 8, nearly 9 however, when he was born, and DD3 was three nearly four.

The comments about how we could stop now we had a boy were really hurtful and upsetting, and how finally DH could be a 'proper' dad and how I would 'have the special mother-son relationship at last' and how 'boys love their mum best, I bet you were so excited to finally have a boy!'

The DTDs were in hearing (DD3 has mild SN and is hearing impaired, how fixed surgically, so didn't know/hear/get it with the mouthing) and they knew what was being said and I know they hurt.

I would have stopped at four anyway, and I'd love four girls, four boys, or whatever combination.

When e midwives said it I wanted to cry for dd3 especially. I mean, if you have four kids they expect you to want two of each or something, and it just felt like they thought I wanted dd3 to be a boy and I love her for being her, girl, boy, whatever.

flatmum Fri 05-Apr-13 16:03:33

I believe you boys are great!

I'm 26 weeks with DS2 and I have had a few people in my family say "that's a shame" and another one who said he was gutted. sad angry

Areyoumadorisitme Fri 05-Apr-13 16:05:44

Sorry haven't had a chance to read all replies but I got this too, DSs are now 12 and 9 so we're largely past it but it really pissed me off for a long while. Somehow there seems to be a holy grail of a girl, not quite sure why personally but hey ho. Don't take it to heart.

GreenShadow Fri 05-Apr-13 16:12:46

I have 3 boys yet have never, ever had this (well, at least not to my face).

Yet, when I was a child my DB's best friends was one of three and I remember feeling sorry for their mum, surrounded by all those boys... Just seems the most natural thing in the world now.

tilder Fri 05-Apr-13 17:49:29

For most people its just chat, others seem genuinely to feel that one of each is a complete package and anything else is deficient. The former are rude, the latter deluded. I've had both sorts of comments, they really piss me off tbo.

VitoCorleone Fri 05-Apr-13 17:54:49

Ive got 2 boys and ive had a couple of people ask me if im going to try for a girl, i usually tell them that actually i always wanted boys, and would be very happy if i had another boy

MyNameIsLola Fri 05-Apr-13 18:14:15

It's incredibly rude.

I'm pregnant with DS4 -no girls- and I've had lots of sympathy that I'm still not getting a daughter hmm

Honestly, this baby was a complete surprise and the relief that he's a DS was unbelievable because we can't afford to move house again smile

Above all, I'm just happy with healthy children but if I have to tell one more person that I'm having an individual, a baby, not a set of sodding genitals, I may end up hitting them with something hard. [hormonal]

wigglesrock Fri 05-Apr-13 19:10:29

I have 3 girls and apparently my poor husband will never get to play football with his kids - you know cos girls can't kick hmm I was commiserated with by at least 4 parents at the school gates after the birth of dd3.

blueshoes Fri 05-Apr-13 19:55:16

startail: "The mixed sex siblings I know do their best to ignore each other."

Not really. My dd and ds get on like a house on fire.

thegreylady Fri 05-Apr-13 20:36:35

My dd has two amazing boys now aged 6 and 4. The whole family think she is so lucky to have two happy healthy little boys who are filled with fun and so loving.They are bright and articulate love drawing and football,cycling and singing. She says she wouldn't know what to do with a girl smile Her dh is one of two boys as is his father so they were prepared anyway.

Startail Sat 06-Apr-13 02:05:59

blueshoes I'm glad some do, the mixed sex twins in my registration class spent 5 years sitting on oppersite sides of the room totally ignoring each other and DDs friend doesn't appear very keen on her big brother.

To be fair I think my cousins rub along a bit better

Beatrixpotty Sat 06-Apr-13 22:04:34

I've got 3 boys.My youngest is 3 weeks old and already people have asked if I'm going for a 4th to get a girl!(I'm not)!It is a common question that anyone seems to feel they can ask,often quite random people in shops & markets.It doesn't bother me.In all honesty my ideal would have been to have at least one girl just to have greater diversity in the family but I realise you don't get to choose anyway.I'm so grateful to have any,never mind 3 healthy,children ,that I would never complain about the sex.

GettingGoing Sat 06-Apr-13 22:09:40

Don't get me going on this one! I was so delighted with our third [same sex as the others] baby - but the comments were so irritating. Even the locum doctor said 'you'll have to blame your husband' as I presented our perfect, healthy, third child that I'd had at 41. What made it particularly sad was that most comments were said in front of the children.

NotSpartacus Sat 06-Apr-13 22:10:28

I get the same and I have two girls.
Lots of people asked whether we would go for a boy.
A cheeky woman working in the post office said "oh, never mind" when she learned I had two girls.
When I say we might want a third people ask if it is because I want a son. Silly fools.

GettingGoing Sat 06-Apr-13 22:11:20

'The mixed sex siblings I know do their best to ignore each other' probably true - our 3 have spent the whole afternoon gooning around with each other. Not sure g/b trio would work like that.

LinusVanPelt Sat 06-Apr-13 22:48:30

Of course mixed sex siblings can get on as well with each other as same-sex siblings hmm .

To assume they wouldn't is no less ridiculous than assuming that wigglesrock 's dh can't kick a ball around with his daughters, or that OP is missing out on some particular aspect of the mother / child relationship because she doesn't have any girls.

It's a bit bizarre that someone would be offended by the suggestion that being of the same sex would make the parent / child relationship a closer one, and yet be happy to suggest that being of the same sex is likely to make siblings closer.

Isn't that working from the same set of assumptions about how important sex is, in determining who children are as individuals and what their family relationships must be like? confused

harryhausen Sun 07-Apr-13 09:34:53

I agree Linus.

I have a dd and a ds. Ds was a huge surprise as he was the first boy born in our family for over 35 yrsshock
My children play together brilliantly thanks.

My Dsis has had this all her life - she has 3 dd's and I think now the youngest is 12, people have finally begun to accept she's not having any more to get 'the boy'.

I don't think there's a 'holy grail' idea surrounding girls at all.

What I don't like is when people, especially parents of all boys, say things like "oh I'd have hated having girls as I like fun adventure outdoor games, playing Lego etc and don't like pink or dressing up like a princess etc".

I like them to visit my 8 year old dd who's into werewolves, rock climbing, PGL holidays and doesn't own a scrap of pink in her wardrobe! I hate it when it's infered that she's somehow less 'fun' because she's a girlhmm

Children are people not colours.

OP, it must be pretty infuriating to be told you should really want a girl. People are crazy. Ignore ignore ignore.

LinusVanPelt Sun 07-Apr-13 20:14:48

yy harryhausen, the way these threads often go from "girls aren't the holy grail" straight into "girls are no more than pretty princesses, boys are much more fun (and love their mums hmm )" drives me batty.

Children are wonderful. And they're all different. And anyone who would imply to a parent that they've got a lesser variety or a lesser combination is just a fool who is best ignored.

lljkk Sun 07-Apr-13 20:18:21

Dd helped put my earrings in a few times recently.
I was just so happy to have a girl in the house.

Fuzzymum1 Sun 07-Apr-13 22:18:38

My DH is a 3rd son who grew up knowing full well he was a 'by-product' of his father's desire for a daughter. FIL made it perfectly clear he'd wanted two children - one of each and the second son was bad luck, the third son was a real inconvenience. Their 4th child was a daughter who could do no wrong. DH has real self-confidence issues form growing up not being what he dad wanted him to be.

We have three boys and couldn't be happier. I was hoping DS3 was a girl but as soon as I knew he was a boy my reaction was "Thank goodness for that" so I think my desire for a girl was based on what I thought I should want rather than any deep-seated desire.

I love being a mum to three boys and make sure they know that. DS3 loves the fact that he is the third son of a third son :D

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 19:58:45

I have two boys. Genuinely never really saw myself with a girl to be honest. Even as a child all my dolls were little boy babies. I don't think I'd have been disappointed if DS2 had have been a girl because I really do believe any healthy child is a blessing but I must admit when we found out he was a boy there was a slight feeling of relief like it just seemed to feel 'right' but maybe if we'd have been told we were having a girl we may have had the same feeling so not sure. .

I remember telling my work when we had our scan and told them it was a boy and got lots of sympathetic 'Ohhh nooo, are you disappointed??' hmm I was a bit narked actually. Thought it was just rude and a ridiculous thing to say. I made a big point to roll my eyes and make them feel stupid for even asking that.

I am VERY glad to have my 2 boys and will definitely not be having anymore for any reason but especially not to 'get a girl' hmm

MERLYPUSS Mon 08-Apr-13 22:17:32

I have non-id twin boys. I was even told 'It wouldn't have been so bad if they were ID!'

chickling Thu 11-Apr-13 18:45:31

Glad I'm not the only one experiencing this then, but none of us should be. All children are lovely blessings. smile

I have one DS and I have always wanted a son so I was over the moon when I found out he was a boy. But if and when we are lucky enough to have DC2 I genuinely don't care if it's a boy or girl. DS is only five months and other people are already commenting on how nice it would be "to have one of each" hmm If it's another boy we won't be having DC3 just to complete the set. What an absurd idea.

redwellybluewelly Sat 13-Apr-13 22:33:10

We know what we are having (7weeks and a few days dc2 will arrive via CS) and heaven help the first person who makes a crass comment of any sort about their gender. I just hope they are healthy (dc1 wasn't) and that they arrive safely.

Mayb I need to start practicing some retorts...

EssexGurl Mon 15-Apr-13 16:08:30

I was in shock when I found out DD was a girl. I had very similar pregnancy to DS and in my heart "knew" that this was another boy. Had names chosen and everything. When the midwife said it was a girl at the scan I didn't believe it. Spent the next week constantly asking DH if I had heard right. At 8 months I burst into tears in the supermarket when there was a lady with 3 boys with her (all wonderfully behaved and definitely all brothers) and I knew I wouldn't have all boys myself.

I love my DD, she is totally wonderful, but now and then I still have a little pang that she wasn't a boy.

katykuns Mon 15-Apr-13 16:37:11

I have had this experience, and only have 2 girls. I do want another baby, not looking forward to people deciding my happiness based on what is between my baby's legs. They are all little people with personalities... gender plays such a small role. It's only society that insists on imposing these differences. A girl can't play football and a boy can't do ballet? Just stupid!

From a shallow point of view it would be nice to have a boy, but then I also think about having 3 girls and that makes me just as excited _

2monkeybums Tue 16-Apr-13 08:38:45

My DM sounded disappointed when I phoned her after my 20 wk scan to tell her Ds2 was a boy. I also get lots of "are you going to try for a girl" comments. I could not have been more thrilled with my boys. Having two boys is wonderful and I feel like I have the DCs I was meant to have.

LittleMonster100 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:19:49

I don't understand the "one of each" holy grail. You should have children one order to have a family and give them life...not because they're toys to be dressed up or because "the mum has the girl and the dad has the boy".

I have both a brother and sister and can say I'm close to either.

It's pot luck if your children get on with their siblings when they're adults, that's personality that dictates that not gender, and when they're little I imagine their sex makes no difference. Also, they will make friends of the same and/or different sex at school and work etc when they're older.

Sibling gender is irrelevant in my opinion.

Beksybob Tue 16-Apr-13 14:50:36

I know a bloke who is openly dissapointed that his girlfriend is pregnant with DD2. He actually said 'you can't put a football in front of a girl'. We had quite a falling out over it. He's a dick.

MMolly Thu 25-Apr-13 19:12:10

I have dt boys and am soon having another set, but I always wanted boys and to me this is a dream come true. A girl would be nice but I don't really mind and despite what people say it doesn't matter-they're all your children. I remember some of my friends were from all boy families and their mums always doted on me because i was a girl. I always found that annoying and i am fine with boys, whatever people say.

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