My ds is just over 3 weeks and my confidence is at an all time low due to visit from my mother.

(83 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:17:59

I thought I was coping quite well with my ds; mother hadn't spent time here as she was ill but came to stay for the last 2 nights. As a result my confidence at is gone looking after my ds.

1 Mother is obsessed that I am not winding ds properly, I spend ages doing it and usually manage to get a burp up but she kept on saying "give him to granny" and such comments

2 She is obsessed with giving the baby water, I checked it out and said the baby didn't need water, she gave it to him anyway sad. I told her this was not acceptable as I felt she had done it behind my back and she huffed with me

3 She told me I looked very awkward holding the baby and that my dh was much more of a natural sad

4 She kept on saying the baby was going to choke and kept shouting at me to run to his pram.

I just feel that my relationship with my mother has changed so much since my baby arrived a few weeks ago and I don't know why.

Mother is away home now and I'm left crying as I feel I'm such an unnatural mother. He just over 3 weeks, what can I do better?

Dh is at work and I'm a state right now.

Tee2072 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:20:28

You're doing fine, I'm sure! And you're right, if you are BF he doesn't need water, I doubt he was choking!

Have a good cry, you're hormonal and next time, tell her shut up! grin

Flisspaps Sat 23-Feb-13 18:22:39

The only thing you need to do is go easy on yourself and trust in your own abilities.

You sound like you're doing a great job - don't worry about your mum being a bloody interfering faffer.

Did the baby need water? No.

Did your baby choke in his pram? No.

Were you perfectly capable of winding your DS? Yes.

If you looked awkward with the baby, it was probably only because you were sitting in anticipation of her next criticism, nothing at all to do with you not being a 'natural mother'

Well done you - just keep on doing what you're doing.

MaMaPo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:23:04

You are doing fine!

Baby is fine. He doesn't need water, he's probably burping fine, and you're holding him perfectly.

Is this the first grandchild? Might it take her a while to realise that you are the mum, not her, and so she can't expect you to do everything exactly as she would?

Please relax and ignore her. Your son thinks you're doing a wonderful job. Congratulations on your little boy!

Floralnomad Sat 23-Feb-13 18:23:07

Just ignore her and don't invite her to stay again for a long time . You got to 3 weeks without doing him any damage so I'm sure you're doing just fine.

wizzler Sat 23-Feb-13 18:25:29

You are not an unnatural mother, it sounds to me as if you are doing the right thing. Well done for telling her off over the water.
I have a brilliant relationship with my DM, and she is a wonderful grandma, but we spent many an afternoon with her wrapping my baby up, and me unwrapping him so he wasn't too hot.
Maybe she just wanted you to benefit from her "experience" .
Take a deep breath, make yourself a cup of tea, and cuddle your DS.
Everyone doubts their ability at sometime.. if you are really unsure, ask your HV

ThedementedPenguin Sat 23-Feb-13 18:26:02

From what I read your doing everything right. My ds was very hard at bringing wind up, have you tried infacol? It does help. As long as he is bringing up wind then it's fine.

My ds never takes water he is now 23 weeks. They really have no need for it at that age so I wouldn't worry about it. Do not let your mother undermine you, if she comes again put your foot down this is your child you make the decisions.

I wouldn't listen to how 'natural' you look, holding a new baby can be very hard for some people, she shouldn't of made this comment it was extremely rude.

Try not to let her annoy or upset you. Relationships change but I can fully see why this one has with comments like that. Could you maybe ring her and tell her how you feel? Explain that when it comes to your child you will do it your way?

Your mother is an arse.

You are doing fine. I read and commented on your other thread. Good for you for telling her he doesnt need water. But seriously, her giving him it anyway is not ok. Its undermining you. YOU are his mother. She had no right.

If I were you I would be avoiding her for a while. She sounds like shes maybe jealous or feeling left out. But right now she is not your concern. All you need to do is look after your DS and yourself.

Have a good cry. But please dont doubt yourself. What does your DH say about all this?

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:30:22

I am really taking the advice to cry, I just feel so low tonight and I was doing fine.

I'm so paranoid that I have to sit and watch him in his pram in case he chokes; I had never thought of this as a possibility before. Why does think he is going to choke? What do I do if he does choke? I had a csection so I can't drive him to hospital.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:32:00

I just feel like I was doing so well and not I'm not. I suppose I'm not a natural mother. I totally love my son though but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

13Iggis Sat 23-Feb-13 18:32:14

Grannies are obsessed with winding. Mine would spend hours bringing up the teensiest bit. When she wasn't there, I hardly ever winded him and he wasn't any unhappier (in some countries they don't wind at all I've heard).
She had NO BUSINESS giving your lo water, or anything else that you'd asked her not too. Can potentially interfere with feeding - you want the baby to be having the calories in milk, not quenching thirst with water! There is loads of water in milk itself.
My dm was a bit like this when I had my first (not as bad though) by time I had dc2 I had confidence in myself and could just laugh it off.

ThedementedPenguin Sat 23-Feb-13 18:33:06

Your doing nothing wrong. Seriously to not listen to that woman.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:34:58

Thanks everyone for your comments.

13Iggis Sat 23-Feb-13 18:35:52

Have just read your later posts. I'm sure the intention was not to make you feel so bad. What on earth is a natural mother - probably just one who's spent a lot of time with babies! I'd never changed a nappy before I had my own baby.
She may be worrying about choking because of the back-to-sleep advice, babies often put on tummies in the past but it is much safer to have him on his back.
Try to remember this one fact: there is no-one in the world who knows more about your baby than you do, or who the baby wants to be with more than you.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:37:59

Oh ignore her! DCs very very rarely just suddenly choke. She's probably convinced he should be be sleeping on his front or something else equally stupid and this is her way of bothering you in to it.

Breast fed babies do not need extra water, FF babies still do often now and when your mum was last dealing with newborns, formula wasn't as good and so it was often advised to give DCs water too. It's just a sign she doesn't actually know what she's talking about and best to nod and ignore.

Or in your case, just don't invite her to stay again for a few months.

What does your DH say or has he been biting his tongue trying to not tell his MIL to wind her neck in?

BTW - store this up, when your gorgeous baby is a grown man and his DP has had a baby, you make sure you just smile and say how gorgeous your new DGC is and what a great job the mother is doing and remember that makes you a much better mum/MIL than yours. smile

bethyrose Sat 23-Feb-13 18:39:30

You're doing more than just fine, you are doing brilliantly. Having a newborn is bloody hard, and criticism from someone you trust and expect support from makes it extra tough. Trust yourself. if you're not sure ask or do a search on mumsnet. I've 3DCs and MN has been my saviour!

Some Mum's find it hard to accept that we are grown ups, can be responsible for our own families, and may not want to do things their way.

13Iggis Sat 23-Feb-13 18:39:44

If he chokes you turn lie him along your arm, at a downward angle, and pat his back. And if he didn't stop you'd call 999, so don't worry about driving.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:40:48

Of if you are breastfeeding, you won't get much wind up either, babies take in less air when feeding from boobs than bottles. If you are using bottles and the ones you have weren't made in the 1980s, your DS also will be taking in a lot less air with each feed than your generation would have as the technology has improved to avoid this - therefore you'll get less dramatic burps.

ChasedByBees Sat 23-Feb-13 18:44:27

Your 'D'M is being really mean and rude. You're doing everything exactly right from your descriptions (including telling her to back off when she crosses the line). She should not be making a new mum feel so bad, how dare she? I remember how fragile I felt I those early days and how fragile I felt my new baby was. It passes. ((Hugs))

Phineyj Sat 23-Feb-13 18:45:03

It's totally normal for babies to 'choke' - the bit in their throat that separates lungs and stomach isn't developed yet (sorry forget technical term) so that's why they bring the little bits of milk up. I'm sure it's very unusual for them to choke in the dangerous sense, given that they can't yet pick things up and stuff them in their mouth and they are only drinking liquid.

To be honest I wonder if your mother is or was quite insecure about her own parenting and is projecting that onto you. Maybe she was really worried all the time when you and/or siblings if you have any, were babies, that something would go wrong (is she a worrier generally?) Maybe she did not feel like a "natural mother"? (what is one of those anyway...)

I agree with the advice not to have her to stay again until the baby is older and you can roll your eyes internally and carry on doing what you think's best.

Also your hormones at the moment might be defeating your ability to shrug and say 'hmm Mum is annoying sometimes'.

no need for water even if formula fed unless they are constipated. My ds never used to burp much but it eventually came out the other end instead! She sounds like she has really knocked your confidence and for no good reason. You are doing a great job so please ignore what she has said.

Tee2072 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:46:01

You are doing nothing wrong!

My goodness, give me your mothers phone number so I can rip her a new one for being such a cow!!!!

I don't really expect you to do that, obviously. grin

Casey24 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:48:14

Hey, I've also just had a run in with my mum and came on here to see if I could get some advice on how to cope with her.. Glad to see I'm not the only one!

My mum is a neonatal nurse who has worked with babies for 40 years, so it's especially hard to argue with her! My son is now 10 weeks old and since he was born she has been offering to have him for the night.so after spending weeks stockpiling breast milk I finally felt comfortable letting him go to stay with her last night, but as he was leaving she remarked that if she was me she'd be crying her eyes out seeing him go. Well I just didn't know what to make of the comment but I ended up feeling really guilty that I mustn't have bonded with him enough if I wasn't in tears. I mentioned this to her when she dropped him back today and she just said I was being hyper sensitive..but I really think the comment was out of line especially after I actually felt I was doing her a favour by letting him have him not the other way round.

I think mums can sometimes can't accept that you could be a better mother than they were so just constantly try to critise and make you feel like a bad mother, I just think I'm going to have to not see her for a bit as its not worth it to feel this bad!

Phineyj Sat 23-Feb-13 18:48:59

This link may be reassuring. They have an app too:

www.redcross.org.uk/What-we-do/First-aid/Children-first-aid/

Chottie Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:03

I just wish I could come round make you a cup of tea and give you a cuddle not MN but I don't care! and tell you that you are doing a fab job x.x.x. Please, please do not take all her comments to heart.

LadyKinbote Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:43

Is it first GC over-exuberance? Definitely her issue, not yours.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:49

BTW - a lot of Grannies feel they have to criticise, they don't mean to but it's the only way they get any control or are able to get to feel useful round DGC, when you have always been the parent, to suddenly "just" be granny is hard for them. Being negative is often a way to make themselves back in charge and useful. A newborn needs it's mother, it doesnt actually need grandparents at all. It's could be a subconcious way of getting back some of that "I'm the alpha female in the room" status. See, you suddenly started listening whereas if she'd just have left you to it and told you you were doing fine, she wouldn't have been anywhere near as important, as 'in control' as she's been over the last few days.

Your mum has to learn she's not the mum anymore, but the gran.

Oh, and no one is a 'natural mother' - some people have learned how to look after DCs on other siblings/DN's but most learn how to be a parent on their PFB. That's all you are doing. Give it 3 months and you'll feel far more like a 'real mum'. (If you don't feel it, fake it.) I bet you are coping far better with being a new mum than she's coping being a new gran.

Phineyj Sat 23-Feb-13 18:51:02

Casey24 after my last NCT meet up when the other mums were brandishing the apps they were using to monitor their babies (feeds, poos, sleep, temperature) I spent several days worrying that I wasn't worrying enough -- you can't win!

LadyWidmerpool Sat 23-Feb-13 18:51:55

Try to relax, put some trash on the tv or some cheesy music, have something nice to eat (order a takeaway?) and enjoy being on your own with your gorgeous bundle. You sound like you are doing really well.

sydlexic Sat 23-Feb-13 18:52:28

You are a natural mother. Your DM is not, no decent mother takes their DD's confidence away.

Just believe in yourself.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:54:08

I've honestly never felt so stressed out that I have done over the last 2 days. I was actually sweating so much I had to go and change my clothes when she went home today.

My mother and mil are friendly and I know they like to phone each other,so feel they are scrutinising me. I'm 33 and dh is 38 so we aren't exactly children.

Ds is bottle fed

I keep checking him and he looks fine. His breathing is a little raspy but it has been and we have out saline drops in his nose to try and help.

I was going to cook something tonight for the first time since my CS as this is the first night I'm by myself but am just going to have a chicken breast and pasta. Feel a failure, but know this is silly.

FrameyMcFrame Sat 23-Feb-13 18:55:34

You're NOT an unnatural mother at all!! You are doing the right thing and she is wrong. Babies do not need extra water (unless they're poorly and even then opinion is divided)

You do not need to spend hours burping babies. That is an outdated concept too, a little upright cuddle is fine.

Don't doubt yourself. It's YOUR baby not hers. You are the Mum now, trust your instincts like you already have done smile

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:57:04

Casey24 - lesson learned the hard way, say "no thank you" to any future offers to have your DC overnight for the first year or so. If you want a night out, say you'd love babysitting for a couple of hours at your house, but that's it. Not worth the hassle by the sounds of things.

so many people end up holding their mothers or MIL at arms length after they have behaved badly in the first few weeks of a new baby's birth, it's really sad that often it's the older woman trying to exert control and ended up with a result of less influence in their DGCs life. often if they'd just approached things a little less gung ho they'd have much better relationships with their DD/DIL and DGC.

CitrusyOne Sat 23-Feb-13 18:58:09

Grandmothers are obsessed with winding and babies drinking water. Fact. Dd is four months and perfectly capable of bringing her own wind up yet nanny sits rubbing her back for AGES. They then get very proud when they produce a burp.

Three weeks in is the HARDEST time- I'm not excusing what your mum has said- I'd be sobbing too, but when dd was three weeks old I think I cried for days on end. And I can't even remember the reason.

You're doing fantastically well, follow your gut instinct and believe in yourself- I bet your little one is thriving. Cherish these early days cos they really do go so fast x

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:59:52

Well then do you really not think that formula and bottles have changed in the last 33 years? Honestly, she was told to give water because it was important because formulas were a lot futher away from breast milk consisitancy and DCs would often be consitpated. The teets used to let in a lot of air so babies would need a lot of winding.

While the older generation who breast fed can reasonably say "it's not changed", formula feeding is massively different. Ignore.

morescribbles Sat 23-Feb-13 19:00:47

Bless you, you are doing great. I have 5 and childmind. I learned very quickly that you have to filter the good and bad information from people but to trust your instincts. A mother's instinct is very powerful. Be strong and stand your ground. It is very sad that your mum has made you feel less confident. It sounds to me that she has no reason at all to say those things. I am sure you are holding and winding your baby fine but if you have any worries at all speak to a health visitor because they can reassure you in person. The only time I have experienced choking babies is when my twins were newborn and were ill with respiratory virus syndrome. We ended up in hospital for a few days (after calling an ambulance). Babies don't generally choke from being badly winded they are more likely to cry from discomfort. Take care of yourself and good luck in dealing with mum!

QuickLookBusy Sat 23-Feb-13 19:01:28

Oh Pink please don't take what you're mum has said to heart. She really was rude and unhelpful to say those things, she's undermined you. It should be her job to boost your confidence and let you know how well you're doing.

Listen to MN instead!

It is YOUR baby son and you do know best. You sound like you've been doing and amazing job until your mum started saying silly things, so hang onto that and try to get that confidence back.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 19:04:54

He's not the first grandchild as my brother has a little girl but I don't think she feels as close to my sister in law as she does to me. Sister in law has a big family.

I would just love someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing a good job.

Mil is just concerned stay her son has to work and might not be getting enough sleep. So she's not any better than my mum but I'm so disappointed as I thought my mum would be a real help.

Ds is sleeping now and looks content.

Is it normal for babies to grimace? He does this a little and then throws up a little milk, even after winding.

I will read all replies again, I'm not ignoring anyone.

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:05:53

She sounds horrid. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Congratulations on surviving the first 3 weeks! You are amazing smile

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:07:04

x-posted.

He sounds delightfully normal. As do you.

Casey24 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:09:08

Yes the NCT meets can be a bit like that, it's almost a competition to see who is having the hardest time...my Ds is pretty relaxed a sleeps and feeds pretty well but after meeting the other mums I start wondering why he doesn't cry more or sleep less, and that maybe I'm just not worrying enough about him ! It's crazy as he definitely does his share of crying but when it's your first baby you can get obsessed with thinking about what is normal...

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:11:50

I don't think it matters whether you're having the easiest time ever or the hardest time. You always worry a little bit that you're doing it wrong!

morescribbles Sat 23-Feb-13 19:12:13

((Hugs))) you are doing a great job. Babies pull all kinds of weird expressions and often throw up a little milk. I used to have a muslin cloth on hand to put over my shoulder while I was winding.

dixiechick1975 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:14:07

The choke thing could be because in her day babies slept on their tummies - not their backs due to risk of choking. Opposite of current advice.

A friend whose mum is from overseas would constantly find her mum putting her newborn on his front despite explaining.

You sound like you are doing a great job.

OhThisIsJustGrape Sat 23-Feb-13 19:21:15

You are doing a fantastic job, your baby is 3 weeks old and its down to you that he is doing so well smile I honestly used to look at mine when they were newborns and feel absolutely staggered that I could actually have something 100% dependant on me and manage to keep it alive grin

And I never had to deal with recovering from a c-section, it always makes me think when women are expected to rest for weeks after a hysterectomy for example, yet they have to look after a totally dependant small person straight away after a section!

Your mum probably feels all strange now that you are a mum yourself, my dad still does this to me 17yrs after I had my first. It's a parent thing I think. Either try and avoid her for a while or learn to smile and nod, you are doing brilliantly and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you're anywhere near Norfolk I would happily come and give you a very un-MN hug smile

DancingInTheMoonlight Sat 23-Feb-13 19:32:05

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Just concentrate on how you felt you were doing prior to her arrival!

How does your dh/dp think you are doing? What did he think of your mums behaviour?

Sadly babies bring out the best AND worst in people. What was your relationship like before? When you are feeling more prepared/ stronger or when she next visits, you AND DP my need to be very clear about what you view is acceptable behaviour...

Purplecatti Sat 23-Feb-13 19:44:45

You're doing FINE.
I'm four months into my first baby. Things I have learned:
Babies have weird stuffy raspy breathing when asleep
The one time I was so tired I forgot to wind mine she did choke. She coughed and Milk spurted out her nose, I snatched her up and rubbed her back but she was fine.
People feel the need to bombard you with 'advice'.
Tell your mother if she goes against your orders she won't be welcome again. Your baby. Your rules.

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Feb-13 19:52:59

Baby sounds normal. You sound normal.
She sounds bonkers and controlling.
YOUR baby YOUR decision. How did she give water? Did she boil it first? Sterilise equipment?

Chottie Sat 23-Feb-13 20:11:56

Babies were put on their stomach in the 70s / 80s to stop them choking (so it was thought) but current advice is for babies to sleep on their backs - please update me someone if that has changed again?

Purplecatti Sat 23-Feb-13 22:23:53

Chottie. The current advice is to suspend your baby in a hammock made from organic cotton wool and enveloped in an allergen free bubble wrap. Also you have to paint yourself orange and position yourself in a headstand against the wall.
:-)

My mum says she was told in the 80s to put babies on their fronts to stop them getting flat heads.

oneortwoorthree Sat 23-Feb-13 22:25:56

Perhaps you need to tell her that SHE is a bad mum for not supporting her daughter and encouraging her just when she needs it the most?

Don't worry, as everyone else has said, you are a great mum, try your best to ignore the comments & believe in yourself.

Also, I just wanted to share with you that I find my MIL and other members of my DP's family quite hard work when I have just had a baby, partly because we have different views on things, but also, I have to admit with hindsight, because it is an especially emotional & sensitive time for me.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 22:46:59

It is a very difficult time and I really appreciate the support that I can get on here. Thee funny thing is I feel as though I have been disloyal to my mum by criticising her on here as before my ds I honestly thought she could do no wrong. My dh thinks I'm doing a great job, for those of you who asked.

Dh has just come home and he is so positive about me and my first few weeks as a mum, it helps to hear good things from him. He finds my mum a bit much sometimes and quite persistent, but is more an.e to ignore it.

As I said to my dh it would mean so much if my mum had said to me, pink, you are doing a good job, I'm proud of you. However it's not to be.

You grew your son for the best part of a year under your heart. Listening to your heart beat, sharing your body. When he was born he knew your sound and smell and voice as home and the whole world. Lying in your arms hearing you and feeling you is everything to him. He knows your husband's voice too and has learned who his daddy is. You two are his whole life and you especially know him by heart and by instinct because you have felt his first movements and held him so close for so long. How could you be anything other than natural with him? Trust your instincts; he is your child and you are his mother and your own babyhood which your mother remembers is far away now. This is a different time and your little family, your boy and your man are the most important thing. If your mother can't respect and cherish you as you gently care for this new life and step into your new roles as parents, then it's sad but not something you need to have draining you. You sound like what you are: a lovely mother of a beautiful brand new child. Let everything else drop away; this time is about you and your man and your child and nobody has the right to try to chip and snip away at you three; if they do it says something about them but never anything about you.

twinklyfingers Sun 24-Feb-13 00:49:25

Grans are obsessed by wind! It's their answer to every little squeak in my experience. It must have been the "in" complaint with babies when we were babies. My mil often talks about wind when my dd cries and I think, no, she would actually rather be held by her mummy just now, instead of you! My mum and dad also kept insisting dd must be thirsty and i should give her sterilised water when she was a newborn - no breast milk is enough thank you. It's hard though, people don't believe or want to hear that the things they did are no longer considered necessary or even good practice. We are lucky to live in a time where we can look at research and decide for ourselves.

You sound a little bit like me. I like reassurance and like to think that those close to me approve of what I am doing. But everyone has such different ideas about parenting and no one knows your child like you do. When i was in hospital with dd different midwives kept coming in and raising or lowering the head of dd's cot. A midwife told me that different midwives would have different views on this and lots of other things too. I was a bit hmm that there wasn't agreed upon best practice. But this midwife told me that everyone would have their opinions on the best thing to do but I'm the mummy here, and only I get to decide what's best for dd. I've had to remind myself of this over many issues again and again since dd was born... DH gets a say too of course!

HalleLouja Sun 24-Feb-13 09:14:36

My mil was obsessed with wind. It drove me crazy. You are doing a fab job. I would keep away from your mum for a little while. Until you feel more confident and able to bat her comments away.

Your DH seems lovely.

Pinkflipflop Sun 24-Feb-13 10:18:36

Thanks for all the lovely and supportive comments, it means a lot.

Just out of interest, how long do other people spend winding a new born after a feed? If there are no burps after say 10 minutes, is this long enough?

Flisspaps Sun 24-Feb-13 10:26:24

I don't think I really bothered winding my two at all.

It's not supposed to make a huge difference to how long it takes for wind to come up so it seemed like an unecessary faff.

I think in a way when we have our first, it in a small way takes us back to being a child and really needing our parents' approval. Seeing as you're not swinging your DS round by his ankles and bouncing his head off the wall, your Mum had no reason not to give it to you!

You sound like you're doing a great job, which at three weeks means everyone is alive and fed. It's great your DH is being so supportive, and perhaps at a later point someone can make it clear to your DM she does have a role, and it's supporting and encouraging you. If it's possible, try to keep her at arms length for a while, or only have her round when your DH is there.

On burping, not sure- DS was the least windy baby going, and was mainly bf, but I think they let you know if there's wind there that needs bringing up...if they don't seem uncomfy, I wouldn't bother after a minute or so!

QuickLookBusy Sun 24-Feb-13 11:07:40

Agree not to worry winding after a few minutes.

I know what you mean about wanting your mum to say you're doing a good job. Mine never said anything very positive and it was very hurtful, but I just got used to it. I wish sometimes that I'd actually said to her like "I'm new to this and trying my best, please don't critise me because it really upsets me. I'd really like it if you could tell me you think I'm doing a good job." I think something like that would have made her think more carefully about what she said to me.

I'd also like to day I love TrucksAndDinosaurs post.

A lovely, special and very true post.thanks

HalleLouja Sun 24-Feb-13 11:14:10

Maybe if you are having problems winding put your DC in a sling to keep them upright and the jiggling about might help. Also give you a chance to give them cuddles whilst having hands free to eat chocolate etc to do things you need to do.

I used to get bored winding and gave up after a while.....

Grumpla Sun 24-Feb-13 11:23:05

Not much to add except that three weeks in is definitely the low point! Hormones, sleep deprivation and self-doubt are a killer combo. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you - and you need to be kind to yourself. I bet you are doing a brilliant job - and I promise you it gets easier! winebrewwine

You are a natural mother. You're not made of plastic, are you? You are the perfect mother for your baby. Do you think your mum might be jealous? She sounds like she is trying to treat you like a child, rather than adjust to her new, backseat, role as grandma (the one who doesn't know best about the baby!).

Mil is just concerned stay her son has to work and might not be getting enough sleep - please remember that you have to work too, and your work is every bit as important as his. If your baby is bottlefed, you don't have to do all the night feeds. Obviously if you get to sleep a lot in the day then its fair that you do most of the nights (but not all - broken sleep is nothing like as good). But you may not get to sleep in the day - I don't know how well/long your ds naps. Guard your sleep - you'll feel so much more able to cope with all this if you've slept. You don't have to discuss that with MIL, of course, none of her business!

Hattifattner Sun 24-Feb-13 11:27:25

pinkflipflops, you sound like a normal new mum, full of insecurities and hormones.

Its important that you remember that you know this baby better than anyone else in the world. You knew him before he was born. You need to trust that your instincts have kicked in and therefore YOU, not your mum, are best placed to know if your baby needs burping. Your mum radar is so perfectly attuned to YOUR baby, that if your baby is choking, you will know. Likewise, you will know if he needs water (BF in winter? I very much doubt it).

You just have to trust yourself. You are his mummy, and you will do whatever is best for him.

Your mum is being insensitive, but relax - on the subject of YOUR baby, You are the worlds undisputed expert!

Pinkflipflop Sun 24-Feb-13 12:25:31

Dh and I had a good chat this morning and we both agree that we are surprised at the way my dm is acting when what I and we really need is for her to encourage and support us. It's nice to have my dh affirm that he thinks we are doing a good job; he says that our house is a relaxed house and if people are going to come in and make it a stressed out home then that is not acceptable.

I'm going to talk to my dm and explain how I feel if there are any further issues.

It's so lovely to have people on here let me know that I am normal, not an incapable person, who has no clue about looking after her baby. I have been very honest about my lack of experience with babies but I always thought you don't really know what it's like with someone else's baby anyway! confused

Pinkflipflop Sun 24-Feb-13 12:26:21

I love the idea that I have a mum radar! That makes me feel good grin

Startail Sun 24-Feb-13 12:33:58

I'm not sure I ever winded BF DD2, I was very half hearted with mix fed DD1. Neither ever had water as babies. They had a front facing buggy from birth, so I couldn't see if they were 'choking'.

Both seem to have done fine with my neglectful parenting!

cloudhands Sun 24-Feb-13 12:42:53

agree with other posters, you are doing absoultely fine. Your mum's comments were very thoughtless. She should have had more empathy, it can be very nervewracking as a first time mum, but all those worries, have absoultely no relation to what a good mum you actually are. Enjoy your newborn and try to ignore.

idshagphilspencer Sun 24-Feb-13 13:32:16

My mother did this to me when DS1 was born , when DS2 was born I realised quite how crap she was being. SHe just wouldn't listen. When DS3 and DD were born I managed without her "help" and really I have kept her at arms length ever since. She always thinks she knows best and I really find her overbearing. It has really damaged our relationship. OP I am sure you will be fine being the mum YOU are to YOUR DS. x

SquidgersMummy Sun 24-Feb-13 14:39:10

My mum did this to me a bit too...it was all 'you're holding her too much' and 'she can't be hungry again'. I wonder if they feel threatened somehow?? You're doing a great job. Just don't have her back till you can engineer it better - an outing or when your partner home or visit her that way you can leave and she'll be busy cooking. It's your baby and from what you've said you really do know best. X

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 24-Feb-13 14:47:57

Pink,

I had no experience of babies with dd1. I'd never held a nappy. (Blush but had no reason to!) I made it up completely as I went along. Some people made me feel good with comments and some bad. I learnt very quickly to ignore those that made me feel inadequate simply because I could do that pretty well on my own without input off anyone else! I found mn and learnt most valuable piece of advice, trust yourself. You will be careful and you will do your best. That's all you can do. Oh and don't read books! Guarranteed to make you feel bad!!!!

It does get easier month by month. Promise. Congrats on pfb!!!!

I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of a woman seeing her GS and her DD and imagine how it must feel. I expect you get lots of very strong emotions...

A huge rush if protectiveness at how TINY new babies are
A sense of amazement that your own child is now grown and made that and is a mother herself when you remember her as a helpless child.
A sense of displacement that you are not the main mummy figure now and must defer and stand aside a bit
Perhaps even jealousy, or sadness at the natural ageing process and things changing.

Maybe that's why grannies sometimes say things that come out all wrong and upset everyone: hopefully it will settle in time as everyone gets used to new roles and grows in self confidence

CatsRule Mon 25-Feb-13 19:36:28

Don't let anyone make you doubt your ability to care for your baby....you are his mother and you know him better than anyone. He needs only you, and his Dad, right now and you will instinctively know what's best.

Dh and I muddled through, both our instincts were to protect our tiny baby and we did just that...despite worrying about everything! Especially about the unhelpful things "experienced" people say! If they were that experienced they wouldn't say half the crap nor pick your nearly 1 yr old up by the arm nearly dislocating it!!

Trust yourself and have confidence in your own ability. A good old cry works wonders smile

DewDr0p Mon 25-Feb-13 19:51:31

OP you sound like you are doing a grand job.

Agree with trucks about displacement etc. I also think sometimes Grannies take it a bit personally that things have changed since their day, like it's some kind of slight on the way they did things. I found it quite helpful with my Mum to quote Health Visitors and research as she's quite into that kind of thing. And to be fair she was trying to be helpful. That approach didn't work at all with MIL though - smile and ignore was MUCH better lol.

Perhaps pick your battles - it maybe doesn't matter if Granny spends ages trying to get wind up but I would stand firm on the water thing. Etc.

MiaowTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 13:56:41

I regard wind as the way to keep 'em out of mischief - if they want to sit there for an hour making their arm ache doing a back rub - it shuts 'em up and stops them annoying me with more suggestions... although in general (she has her moments dismissing anything I'm trying to be careful with - like food and not creating some chocolate cake coveting monster - as "paranoia" and "you being neurotic") my mum's been very supportive and goes on about how good a job I'm doing (which is totally unlike her - she doesn't normally "do" praise).

I have a 10 minute policy on burps btw - if it ain't come up by then it's not going to and it's probably headed to appear out the other end in an embarrassingly loud trump at some point.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 26-Feb-13 14:11:51

Not excusing your DM at all, but she possibly didn't realise quite how much you found her interference hurtful and patronising. Are you able to tell her, or get your DH to have a word?

I found both DM and MIL overbearing in their own ways when DD was born - but not in a malicious way; they were genuinely trying to help, but it was in a very 'I've been there before so I know everything' way.

What you and they have to remember is that while they do have experience, it's not with YOUR child. You know your baby the best. They don't.

Also 3 weeks? Crikey. DH and I refer to the first month or so as 'the dark times'. You sound like you're doing fine. Good luck!

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 26-Feb-13 14:12:36

Oh and with the winding - DD NEVER burped. It always came out the other end in an astonishingly loud fashion!

sleepyhead Tue 26-Feb-13 14:22:15

God, I was rubbish at winding (still am - I had a go with a friend's baby a couple of months ago and got nothing up).

Apparently the British obsession with wind is partly cultural though. If it's not upsetting the baby then where's the harm? If the baby is upset, well at least it gives you something to try.

Re: choking, I bet it's the putting to sleep on their back thing. My mum was most unconvinced by that.

You're a great mum. Shame on your mum for not being a great mum to her own child just now. I'm sure a wee bit down the line once the new born madness settles down she'll do better.

Maybe best to just take everything she says with a pinch of salt for now and just remember "this too shall pass". smile

Pinkflipflop Tue 26-Feb-13 17:47:23

Just a little update on this; I said to my mum that I loved her very much but I found her coming across as very critical when what I really needed from her was to tell me I'm fantastic! She was quite taken aback and said well obviously you are doing a good job, I didn't expect you not to!confused What I was taking a criticism she says was her way of trying to help.

I think she is quite embarrassed and annoyed that she has annoyed me, but I'm going to give her a week or so before I ask her to come and visit just so I can get my self back to where I was in terms of confidence.

Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and glad to know I'm not the only one who hates winding! grin

wizzler Tue 26-Feb-13 20:17:00

Glad to know its all sorted.. your latest post sounds much calmer!

Oh good! Hopefully it's just a little blip in your relationship at what is a stressful (and by that I mean sleep deprived, hormonal, possibly painful) time which will now pass. Good for you for taking it up with her straightaway though and not letting it fester.

Congratulations on your pfb by the way, and enjoy!

ghall54 Thu 07-Mar-13 10:09:31

I have the same problem but I'm really nervous about saying anything to dm as I don't want to upset her, plus I know she won't understand and I will just end up feeling worse. I know that sounds completely stupid but I just can't see a way out. I end up being guilt tripped into seeing her at least once a week, and each time makes me stressed for days.

brettgirl2 Sun 10-Mar-13 07:15:12

Winding 3 week olds is practically impossible, later it becomes much easier. I think bottle fed babies are windier than breastfed for those who are confused.

Pink just keep in mind your mum hasnt had a baby for over 30 years and memories are sketchy. I've got a nearly 4yo and 13 month old and tbh I cant entirely remember what its like to have a newborn grin.

My mother and mil caxme out with loads of stuff that couldnt possibly be true (neither me or dh woke in the night after 6 weeks EVER lol). Both nagged me over not dream feeding (I was knackered and wanted to sleep instead of staying up till 11 at night, by then I'd had 3 hours sleep!)

You are doing great smile

TheFallenNinja Sun 10-Mar-13 08:25:45

Try this phrase.

"Great advice mum"

Then do this

"Whatever you want"

And remember this

"Your doing fine."

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