Is my dd overweight

(67 Posts)
slowlycatchymonkey Thu 24-Jan-13 20:57:18

I've had another thread going here recently and thanks for the help with that. I have another question if that's ok. My dd is 114cm tall and weights 3 stone 7.5pounds. She likes her food a lot to be honest, and it can be a struggle to get her to take her mind off food. She is looking chubby round the face recently and although has a tiny waist, she is definitely chunkier than her friends.

Can anyone here tell me if those figures are too high? Thanks a lot.

slowlycatchymonkey Thu 24-Jan-13 21:00:13

Sorry, should add that she is 5yo

Jac1978 Thu 24-Jan-13 21:45:41

She has a healthy BMI for her height so please don't worry. Lots of factors influence weight - genetics, muscle mass, environment, nutrition and physical activity and need to be considered before assuming there's a problem. Just make sure she has healthy meals and snacks and is getting exercise whenever possible and allow her to stop eating when she's full rather than making her clear her plate. If you do have any concerns about sudden weight gain it's best to see your doctor. In the meantime try not to fixate too much on her weight or you may give her a complex. If she's a little bit chubbier than some of the others it's not the end of the world - children come in all shapes and sizes and they change and grow all the time.

slowlycatchymonkey Thu 24-Jan-13 22:17:19

Thanks for the reply. Her dad thinks she is overweight and lacks stamina and gives me a hard time about it, so I find myself stressing over it. She is also much keener on food than her friends seem to be ( will be the last kid off the food table at a party etc) and this plays on my mind. Thank you. I really don't want her to have issues about it, although I do tell her off if she is being greedy ( she can be, bless her). Should I not do this? She doesn't have a stop button when it comes to sugary stuff or bread, so I have to step in. :/

TrickyWoo Fri 25-Jan-13 08:37:25

My DS is same height and weight and is 3.10. He's got a roundish face, skinny legs and some visible ribs. Eats when he's hungry, and stops eating, even if it's ice cream or cake, when he's full. (doesn't have ice cream or cake that much tbh). He's just finishing his 3rd slice of toast for breakfast.

Ask your health visitor, but why dont you try and increase activity? We do try to do 4 bits of exercise a day at weekends (he's active in the week at nursery/grandmas/with me).

TrickyWoo Fri 25-Jan-13 08:38:28

Not 4 a day, 2 a day at weekends, even walking to shops etc

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 10:12:46

Haha tricky I thought you meant 4 a day, wow! We do 3 activities in the week and then will prob go to park/soft Play at weekends. Will def need to try and get her moving more though. Wish I could change her mindset about food though, she thinks about it all the time, literally torments me for sweets and chocolate round the clockhmm

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:01:42

If she can't stop with the sugary stuff and bread, just don't buy the sweet stuff and give her less bread. that way you wont have to tell her off for being greedy. I have to do this with my DH (not sure it's the same with a 5yo) grin

Did she have a height and weight check when she started school and did you get a letter saying there are concerns about her weight?. Have you looked in your red book to see what her height and weight centiles are and if there actually is a problem?

If DH is concerned about her weight and stamina, what is he doing about it? Does he take her biking/swimming/walking or even rock climbing? Know the last one seems a bit crazy but there is a climbing wall near to us and our 5yo dd loves the club for tinies at the weekend. I also go to karate with her which is a really, really good workout. Perhaps your DH could do that with her?

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 13:32:40

Ex and I split up when she was a baby and the concerns about her weight started soon after. She was a chubby baby for sure, but passed all her checks and no one ever said anything incl HV's or otherwise. She was born on the 91st centile I think (8.14) and then stayed around the 99th for a few years. She levelled out to around the 91st again and he can't stand that, thinks she should be no where near that, and says she is obese. When she started school I was terrified of getting a letter because it would have given his crusade more power, but it never came, thank god.

Slowly, even if you and her dad split up, he still has a part to play in her upbringing - what does he feed her, and what activities does he do with her: swimming, cycling etc?

If he's doing bugger all to help her be physically active, he doesn't have a right to moan.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:38:17

Sounds like she's addicted to sugar. Stop buying the treats. Just don't have them in the house.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 13:40:54

Ps- it's not so much at home I have to tell her off, it's at parties, playdates, her childminders, my family's houses etc. It's a bit of a nightmare because she will be the kid who keeps coming back for more, asking her friends mums for treats and putting them on the spot. I do end up very cross at times, which I hate but nothing else works. She even lets it distract her from play to be honest.

How much does she drink? Could you ask parents at playdates to give her a drink rather than a snack?

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:43:22

Agree with fire and great. If she was born on the 91st and is on the 91st now, surely that is the right centile for her? Which centile is she on for height? She must be in proportion or you would have got the letter when she started school.

Does ex-h say any of these things in front of dd?

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 13:45:19

Fire, this is a bone of contention with me because he seems to pick on her tbh. Says she is overweight and I don't fee her properly ( yes really) but then says they've been to pizza hut and puts chocolate in her lunchbox. He got her a Bike for her 5th birthday that was by his own admission too big - then said that her inability to ride it was a lack of fitness and excess weight. I don't think he conveys this to her - just to me.
He does take her swimming and biking to be fair.

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:46:23

Well lots of kids play bingo, mine will ask for things they don't get at home or much of. if she is going on a playdate could you ask the parents to make sure she only has fruit as a snack and no fizzy drinks or just a drink as suggested above?

What does your cm think? Have you discussed it with her?

familyfun Fri 25-Jan-13 13:46:37

speak to childminders, friends etc and ask them not to give her treats as you are reducing them.
occasional parties shouldnt cause her to be obese. if the party is 2pm, give ehr a proper dinner before she goes and if she eats her veg etc she can eat treats at the party.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 13:47:16

Yeah not sure of she drinks enough- will try that, although I hate to embarrass her in front of people. Also, her height is the 75th I think. Is this normal proportions?

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:59:44

I'd say that was roughly in proportion, well like I said you would have had a letter about it otherwise. Could you speak to the school nurse (school) should be able to give you the number or the HV about your concerns. It might give you a bit of information to pass onto your ex-H smile.

Yes, totally agree, please don't talk to anyone about this in front of her or if you do try to say you are only giving drinks or fruit as snacks because you both want to be more healthy.

My dd drinks loads more water if I give her a straw. If you think she is confusing thirst with hunger try her with some straws or let her choose a new cup (home bargains is good) or the gift shop next time you have a day out together.

Don't forget high water foods, jelly, soup, melon, oranges, broccoli and cauliflower are all good.

Also agree with the filling her up with good things. We have a bit of an issue with DS and my parents giving too many sugary snacks. If we are going over I try to get them to have a huge breakfast, dd had ready brek with blueberries this morning, a slice of melon and some milk, and then I give them a banana in the car on the way over. That way they still get the crap at DGps but don't eat half as much.

Hobbitation Fri 25-Jan-13 14:11:27

DD2 is 110cm, nearly 3 stone, and is only 3. She is in the middle of the healthy weight range and looks like a beanpole. DD2 is 7.5, 131cm and 4 stone, in the bottom to middle of the healthy weight range. They are both good eaters, last at the party table, finishing everything off.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 15:11:17

Im afraid that If the HV decided that she was marginally overweight now ( she is obviously heavier than when she had the checks at school) I would be mortified because it would play right into his hands. Rather than contact them, I would like to monitor her weight myself.
A family member commented to me recently that I am terrified of dd getting fat because of ex and that if she gets wind of my fears, it will be me she blames and not him. It's like he is terrorising me about it and then causing me to treat my dd differently.

Interesting about the addiction to sugar. She is completely obsessed. Ex sends her mixed messages all the time, bans sweets and chocs one week, then takes her to mcdonalds the week after. She seems to have such an issue with it, like a kid who has been denied something and then wants it more and more. My dd seems fixated on it to the point of distraction at times. She'll ask after breakfast what's coming for lunch etc and when we went on hol last year, she talked about the buffet restaurant day and night, constantly 'negotiating with me what she could have from it hours and hours before the actual meal itself. It drove me to tears one night, actual tears because I had warned her to let me just have one day of the holiday where we talk about meal options all day. She persisted and the 'strangeness' of it left me so stressed that she is out of control that I burst into tears in the hotel room. As far as I know, she does NOT fixate like this with her dad.

Missingthemincepies Fri 25-Jan-13 15:28:29

Do you have room for a mini-fridge in the kitchen, something that is hers, with healthy treats, fruit/yogurt and drinks, that she's allowed to help herself to at any time? At least then if she pesters you can say to help herself out of her fridge. Or maybe just a snack bowl/basket if not.

Some kids get hungry a lot, but the more she uses sugar to get rid of the hunger, the quicker the rush will wear off and she'll get hungry quickly again. Also agree with the above - no sweets etc in the house and tell CM not to give.

Good eating habits will set her up for life. Your XH sounds like a total knob BTW, I'd ignore him.

I would be opposed to Misingthemincepies suggestion...I think that the culture of snacking is part of the problem with obesity in the world today. And that is for healthy snacks too. If you are grazing you won't eat meals properly.

I have to say that from what you have written, it may be that you need some professional guidance on how to handle this (and guidance that you pass on to your Ex). My DS is the same age (well just 6) and while he occasionally says he wants something to eat just after breakfast, I know it is because he is bored. A bit of distraction and he is fine.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 16:09:11

What kind of guidance? A counsellor? Ex would love some intervention. You have to understand that what he is interested in is proving my inadequacies as a parent. The only thing he would use that information for is to launch a residency case. confused

I am sorry I don't know. But your DD seems to be getting mixed messages from the 2 of you - it doesn't sound like your parenting skills are the problem - more so his!

Perhaps someone mroe knowledgable will come along?

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Fri 25-Jan-13 16:59:02

Just wanted to empathise - I've read this thread with interest. My DD2 is 9 and gaining weight at an alarming rate. Like your DD she seems completely obsessed by food and it rules her every waking thought. I cook almost every single night and am really mindful of what we eat as a whole family - loads of fresh veg/fruit, fish and white meat, wholemeal everything etc. She isn't obsessed by junk food, just food generally and I am really strict with her because she's been on this spiral for several years. Her diet is far better than any of her peers (I know - I've seen the lunchboxes) but, and there's no getting away from this fact, she is fat. The main problem is lack of exercise as it's a vicious circle, overweight=less energy/motivation to do anything.The rest of the family are a healthy weight (probably even the lighter side of healthy) and it worries me, not from a looks perspective but for her health. The fact you are not in denial that your DD has weight issues will stand her in good stead for the future. Results are not instant, but so long as you are doing all you can to keep her healthy, you're not doing much wrong. Tell your xh that his interfering is only making the situation worse - you need solidarity and co-operation, not opposition.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 17:30:29

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. According to her stats and what other posters have told me- she isn't overweight yet but I can see that it could head that way given her fixation.

The thing is, I seriously doubt it would be this way if ex hadn't caused her to be so fixated. He has been obsessed by it since she was around 10mo and there is every chance in my opinion that she has developed issues because of it confused
In essence, I blame him.

fattybum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:22:29

My ds1 is six and I've had similar problems, but things are sooo much better. I have also been in tears over eating. I highly recommend the book by Ellyn satter, think it's called helping without harming, your childs weight. Please buy it, honestly without this book I think we would have serious problems. Got it about a year ago and it's turned things around for us.

slowlycatchymonkey Fri 25-Jan-13 23:21:57

I actually never thought of a book because I can't quite work out what dd's issues are. Thanks so much, will look at this.
Cheers everyone for the help x

Kathy420 Fri 25-Jan-13 23:26:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wabbally Fri 25-Jan-13 23:47:40

WTF? ^

Did you misspell netmums in the address bar "hun"?

slowlycatchymonkey Sat 26-Jan-13 00:11:34

Kathy you are clearly a dick.

Use this child bmi calculator with your DD's measurements it says she is overweight, but at 1lb less it says she isn't, so she is very much borderline. It could mean she is due a growth spurt, so I would check her again in a few months to see if she remains in the overweight category. Children's BMI works by calculating the BMI and comparing this to the BMI of other children of the same age. The to 3% are categorised as obese and the next 6% are categorised as overweight.

I think you should keep records of what your ex feeds your DD (obviously not detailed records) so that if he tries to use your DD's diet as an issue in residency proceedings you can point out that he has fed her unhealthy stuff himself.

slowlycatchymonkey Sat 26-Jan-13 09:21:56

Breathe that's a good idea. I need to write down the weird stuff he does, like pizza hut every weekend, baking cakes, choc in her lunch box, he gives her Sunday roast when he knows she has one with me later on. It's like he is deliberately trying to over feed her? I'm sure he isn't - that would be extreme, but he is certainly contradicting himself. I'm going to get that book.
I saw on the calculator that she's is borderline, and is either healthy or overweight depending on a pound or so. This means it would depend on the day or time you weigh her that she is healthy or overweight as we all fluctuate. I think this is what annoys ex, he wants dd well within the lower ranges and hates that she's not 'lean'. I am overweight myself so I think he sees that as the proof that I am unable to care for her properly. He literally will not leave the issue alone.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 26-Jan-13 09:36:00

Don't forget too that muscle weighs more heavily than fat. If she is getting more exercise, her weight might not go down, I'd look at the shape of her more as an indicator.

We have the opposite problem with our dd who is a fussy eater but also goes on about food all the (because she won't eat certain things). If she is asking me what's coming next, I say well discuss it at the time and change the subject. By not talking about it or giving her attention when she talks about it she has started asking much less.

Don't agree with the mini fridge either. My DS is looking a little tubby. I've stopped buying biscuit and go to the market once or twice a week and buy loads of fruit. He knows that if he's hungry, the fruit bowl is the place to go.

Do agree though that your ex sounds like a complete knob. If you don't want to seek help because of the residence order, maybe the book suggested will help or try the change for life website.

biff23 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:12:26

Both of mine were like this at that age. Dd had a round belly too (still does at 10) but their faces aren't rounded and they have stretched so much. At 5 mine were smaller than their peers and quite chunky but are amongst the average to taller group now.

MrsB74 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:25:55

I think it may be worth having a frank conversation with your ex, and yes I know this will not be easy, about how you do not want to cause future eating problems for your daughter. He needs reminding that he is an adult and a parent and to stop being so manipulative. You have to find a way to provide a united front for your daughter or she is going to get so confused emotionally. Maybe some mediation? He needs to realise his attempts to hurt you are damaging his daughter. I think he's the one with food/weight issues! Your only other option if this is impossible is to work at getting your daughter to eat healthily and do more excercise without making a huge deal about it, not enter into too many conversations with her about food. Literally change the subject or calmly ignore. The same goes for the ex if he won't listen to reason. He probably only says it to upset you!

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 27-Jan-13 21:10:43

Well I will be sitting down with ex soon and trying to make him see sense, it won't go down very well but I have to try. Thanks for the great advice- I appreciate itgrin

Tolly81 Mon 28-Jan-13 04:40:26

He is doing it to push your buttons. She doesn't have a weight problem currently - she was born on the 91st and has maintained that so she is always going to be one of the bigger children in her year group. However, at the top end of normal she doesn't have far to go before she is overweight. You do need to avt now to avoid abnormal food associations though. Don't go for the mini-fridge and try as much as possible not to use treats as a reward. If she obsesses about food it is easier to have one rule eg fruit only as a snack between meals but remember even then that fruit is high in sugar. When you have her try and have an engaging physical activity planned for between meals - boredom is a very common cue to eat. Tell X that you feel his behaviour is giving her mixed messages. A food diary is a really useful thing (but don't let her know about it). Might also be useful to note down the times of day she nags about food the most. That way you can see exactly what you're feeding her and when are the most problematic times. You could tell x you're doing this and I would certainly keep a note of when he gives her high calorie fast food if he is trying to use this to manipulate you. Good luck.

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 11:47:01

Tolly I admit that she probably would be overweight if I let her- she just doesn't have an off switch when it comes to sugar and bread. Take last night for example, we ate out at a restaurant. She chose cheese pasta, I chose a curry with nan bread. She asked to try my bread, so I gave her a small piece. The rest of the meal was spent pushing her hand away from my plate where she tried to take more. She obsessed about it, begging and pleading, totally ignoring her full plate of food.
I find this kind of behaviour completely and utterly wearing. It often reduces me to tears because I just know that once her eating is no longer under my control - she will go crazy hmm

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 28-Jan-13 12:56:18

Really really do empathise. Have you swapped her over to more whole foods like wholwheat pasta and whole wheat bread? Regular pasta and white bread can give her almost the same highs and lows as sweets and chocolate. The whole wheat will also keep her feeling fuller for longer. There might even be sone low gi cookbooks in your library.

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 13:11:20

Restaurant choices for
Kids food are crap, buylt switching whole foods is a good idea. We went to soft play at the weekend with a group of friends and their kids. They all had the usual fish fingers and chips for lunch, but I ordered dd sandwiches with a few chips on the side. She was happy with that but kept eating long after she was full - I could see her visibly struggling and the other kids had long since stopped or their parents were nagging them to eat more. I was quite cross with my dd inside- for ploughing away at a meal she no longer wanted. I gently reminded her to listen to her body and only then did she stop. The other parents had brought a small chocolate bar each as a treat and she devoured that, then unbelievably, went back to the cold chips. I had to pull them off her, and she just laughed. I could feel all the other parents looking at me, it is embarrassing, I know that's wrong to say - but I can't help it.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:17

It's a minefield isn't it. My DS is quite greedy but I try not to confront him over this. I think asking her to listen to her body is a really, really good idea. Did she go off to play then? Perhaps you could distract her and eat throwaway the unbeaten chips?

With DS I will try to let him have what everyone else is having if we are out though and just try to keep things sensible at home.

Tryharder Mon 28-Jan-13 14:42:27

I was exactly the same as a child and I ended up as a fat teenager after being a plump or 'big' child. I lost weight as an adult but still have 'ishoos' with weight/food.

My mum just let me eat what I wanted and so there was no limit and food was not restricted. I agree that it is an addiction but I have no idea what causes it, if indeed there is a cause or whether some children/people are born that way.

I would stop all snacks other than fruit personally and up the exercise. I also don't think there is anything wrong with telling a child that eating too much is bad as it makes you fat and unhealthy. I know I will be flamed for saying that but I suffered horrendously as a fat child/teenager and would not want any child to go through that.

Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to a paediatric dietician?

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 15:14:11

I really don't want to go down the route of a paed because this is what my ex would love and would use it as a stick to beat me with. He is truly awful and I could not tell you how much glee he would get from a referral like this. I think a dietician would only tell me what you guys do. I know what to do to keep her a healthy weight - am in healthcare myself. The issue I have is dealing with dd's behaviour around food - she just seems to think about it all the time, although only in terms of crap food. She does not obsess over good food and its a nightmare at meal times to get her to eat well from a plate of 'healthy food'. She picks, whines, negotiates, cries at the table- anything to avoid a decent meal. Even something like spag Bol which she does like- is only ever nibbled at. You wouldn't catch her 'devouring' a meal like this and see real enjoyment from her. The only thing that will get that kind of reaction from her is chips, bread products and sweets.

I wish I could just sort it out, take her mind off it, see her being relaxed at a party rather than being dragged off the food table and made to join in. I wish I didn't get stared at by other mums who wonder why their kids are playing and mine is sitting with the adults in the hope of getting one of their biscuits. hmm

MrsOakenshield Mon 28-Jan-13 15:26:09

the thing that has jumped out at me from your last post is that, knowing she is fixated with bread, you ordered bread (a naan) when you went out for dinner. Why? It sounds like you knew exactly what would, and did, happen, but let it happen anyway? Your XH sounds like a prick and I don't know how much you can do about that, but what you can do is monitor your own actions. Maybe start to make a note of what she, but just as importantly, you are eating, what's in the house etc etc. What does she do at home, is she distracted enough by toys and games and activities?

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 15:39:03

Do you really think other people should restrict what they eat around her though? Im trying to change her attitude to food, not make everyone including myself hide it. I agree I should be doing more to distract and entertain her though- thats something I'm working on recently.

brettgirl2 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:59:09

I think jilted is right. Offer plenty of good healthy food but no crap with added sugar. I must admit I think playdates can be hard but just tell them. Your ex sounds vile btw.

brettgirl2 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:01:02

If you eat badly then she will think it's normal. It's not about restricting its about her seeing you make the right choices.

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 22:13:04

I agree about making the right choices in front of her, totally. Not sure nan bread is considered a bad choice, I'd be happy for dd to have it herself if she could be moderate with it! grin

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 28-Jan-13 22:26:43

I would actually take her & get her tested. Allergies, diabetes, whatever you can. Rule out anything medical first. The fact that you are getting help for her would work FOR you, not against you if he ever took you to court.

hillyhilly Mon 28-Jan-13 22:41:59

Marking my place, my dd has just turned 8. Loves her food and has a large appetite and a keen desire to know what and when the next meal will be.
I just about keep her on the right side of obese but she is definitely chunky.

ChristmasJubilee Tue 29-Jan-13 03:32:08

You would be better increasing the protein and vegetables in her diet and reducing the carbs. This will keep her feeling fuller for longer.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 11:45:15

Thanks, I've started doing that recently, small amount of pots and pasta on her plate, lots of veg. She always devours the pots and then asks for more, ignoring the veg- but I don't listen to that any more.

Otherworld Tue 29-Jan-13 11:56:41

Is there a chance that her attitude to food in general could be a reaction to the complicated relationship between you and her father?

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 13:03:58

Well yes, i've already explained that he is obsessed with her weight and sends her mixed messages all the time. Bans treats one week, lavishes them on her the next

Pyrrah Tue 29-Jan-13 14:33:18

I would go and see your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatric nutritionist and stuff what your ex thinks (do you even need to tell him?)

We saw one for DD for the opposite - doesn't eat, anaemic, low Vit B12 etc etc and they were very helpful, didn't tell me the things I thought they would and also got us/me some psychological support as well.

DH doesn't eat carbs as he has a tendency to put a lot of weight on with them. We don't have bread in the house as I have a wheat intolerance and yet cannot resist eating bread.

It is often the case that you crave things that you actually shouldn't be eating - if it were my child, I would want to get your DD tested for potential allergies and intolerances.

What does your DD drink? Things like juice have huge amounts of sugar and this also causes the sugar cravings when blood sugar levels fall.

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 29-Jan-13 14:36:54

pyrrah think the op has already explained why she doesn't want to go down the route of a Paed.

Pyrrah Tue 29-Jan-13 14:53:11

She did, but this isn't a situation of taking out the crisps and putting in the carrot sticks.

Her DD appears to have some more complex issues with food.

Perhaps starting with asking for an allergy assessment would be a good idea.

The OP could do all she can at home to prevent her DD eating copious amounts of carbs and sugary food, but if DD then goes off to her father's and is stuff full of McDonalds etc then it goes right back to square one every time.

If tests could show an intolerance or allergy then the ex would have to respect that.

I just can't see the situation improving without some kind of outside help.

How much information would the OP have to give her ex? Surely getting some medical advice would prove that she is a good parent rather than the other way round?

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 16:10:59

How would I explain to ex that I now agree she has food/weight issues? He would take that to mean that he was right all along and i fundamentally disagree that she had 'weight' problems at a year old. Also, he is constantly sending me emails and threatening solicitors letters demanding to know every minute detail of her life, including dental and such. There is no way I could hide a referral to dieticians from him or face the consequences if I did. :/

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 16:18:15

Ps- the only juices she has are sugar free diluted ones and that's only with her school lunch. I dont allow them at meal times because she used to use the juice to disguise the taste of food she didn't like, aka anything that wasn't chips bread pizza or fishfingers.

Beamur Tue 29-Jan-13 16:56:35

I can identify a bit with your daughter - as a child I loved food and found it very comforting. I was also encouraged to clear my plate and all that kind of nonsense. As an adult I have struggled on and off with my weight but always very clear about one thing - when overweight - it is my own doing, but it can be reversed. I've recently hit the point where I'm fed up with being fatter than I want to be - so have cut out the wine, crisps, butter (and so on) and am losing weight at about 2lb a week.
My DD has always been at the top of all the growth percentiles and is the same age as your DD. I was concerned a little while ago about her weight - my DP can be a bit weight orientated too - and he thought she was chubby. She wasn't but was borderline - and as it turns out on the verge of a growth spurt, she sprung up several centimetres and suddenly looks very long and lean.
I think you also need to lead by example - I speak as one who manages this some of the time (not all!) - and by eating healthily and being active.
My DD also likes sweet things, but she is good at stopping when full and knows that if she has already has sweets/cake/whatever, then asking for more will result in a refusal.
Sugar is a very potent addiction, but you have control of the food so can help your DD.
I'd avoid having too many tempting foods in the house and also I would avoid any sugar free type foods also - I don't think they are helpful or healthy.
Niggles about her weight and looks, even at this age, are bad for her self esteem and confidence. Don't engage her Dad on these and I think you need to try and find ways to stop the spirals of conversations about food you are having with her - it's obviously upsetting for you. Not quite the same but my DSS was obsessed with knowing what we'd be doing during any given day - what time, where we were going etc and having continual ad hoc conversations didn't help - he just kept asking! In the end we used to decide an itinerary for the day (and try to stick to it) and he was much more relaxed. Could you set a daily menu for your DD so that she knows what she is having and when and say there is no further discussion on it - so no point asking for anything off the menu.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 21:32:17

Beamur thanks for sharing your experience. I would love it if my dd was on the verge of a growth spurt- anything to shut my ex up and also so I can stop worrying about it- it is honestly stressing me out. I don't see that she eats more than her friends. She certainly fixates about it in a way that they don't but I am much stricter than my friends with their children ( I have to be) and although their kids seem to have unlimited treats etc, they are so relaxed about food and could take it or leave it. My dd for example complains madly about her friends having chocolate biscuits etc in their lunch box- I just don't do this and yet my DD is heavier than them. I admit this strictness is relatively new- it should have started years ago. I see her little friend leaving things like a kit Kat in her sandwich box because she just didnt fancy it at lunch time- my dd would never do this- ever.

Regarding the issue of setting a menu for the day- I might give that a go, although I do have reservations about talking about food the minute we get up because she does that already sometimes ( not always- I don't want to exaggerate). It's great that your kids realise begging for food pointless- mine just tries and tries and tries. She literally doesn't give in. She's even been sent to time out for begging or for threatning to taking food from my plate. ( she never has the nerve to actually 'snatch' food, but does a kinda weird 'hand hovering over your plate where you can't actually eat in peace because her hand is there)

She has also several times spotted me eating something she wants (like a biscuit in the kitchen) and has actually jumped up and pulled it from me. When she was a baby I let her away with this but absolutely will not tolerate this from her now.

The thing is...nothing animates my child the way food does. When I say food- I mean crap. Seriously she just doesn't react in the same way to activities/toys/games/etc in the same way that she does around food. On Xmas day the only thing she obsessed over among the heaps of presents was the bloody selection box. If you suggest the cinema, she won't ask what we are going to see- it's what are we going to eat there and how much can I have? She is VERY big on negotiating quantities as well, so it's not enough for her to ask for a treat, she needs to know in advance how much of it she can have so that she can enter discussions/barter for more if she isn't happy with the offer. One thing she used to do as a toddler which drove me insane was if she asked for say a biscuit, she would want to know if she could have two. The inevitable 'no' would ensue and so she would accept the one biscuit - but want to know if she could have another later. She absolutely would not take a bite out of the biscuit she had in her hand until you committed to another one 'later'. It was only for the fact that she was so tiny that I didnt really pick up that she was already developing a weird relationship with food. My family live overseas and if they send her a present, she will be disappointed if there isnt something edible in it:/

Yfronts Tue 29-Jan-13 22:33:24

can you get her cooking food and preparing food. healthy stuff.

hillyhilly Wed 30-Jan-13 09:38:06

Slowly, your dd sounds so like mine! Life's experiences are measured in the food they entail. I realised a long time ago that my dh is the same (he's obese), say seaside he says ice cream, fish and chips, say cinema he says sweets and popcorn etc etc.
My dd turned 8 last week, she did grow a lot the back end of last year but put on a lot of weight rapidly the first part of the year so she only went from chubby to chunky frankly.
I also totally identify with you about being more strict with her about treats, I know I am too, but I also know that if I am not she doesn't exercise any self restraint. She went to a new club last week, as it was her first time she got a free 60p pass to the tuck shop. She ate a Freddo, a four finger kitkat and two packs of haribos, the club lasts 1 1/4 hours and had loads of great activities and friends of hers there. She has had it made clear that she will not be going if that's what she ears each week but it convenes me that now she will have to start regulating herself as she gets older and has more freedom. I am working in this with her. She currently seems to think that because she can eat that much without it making her feel sick there's no problem- arghh!
Sorry this is long, didn't mean to hijack, but I think it's just that some kids are like this, we have to try to teach them the best we can.

Beamur Wed 30-Jan-13 12:54:12

It's very easy for me to say, but you need to find a way to nip the bartering in the bud. Either decide immediately that she can have 2 biscuits, or say no and mean it. Children do learn that badgering will eventually work if you give in - the longer they have to do it for is immaterial, what matters is the end result. You can change this though. Be firm (but kind) and do not engage any further discussions.
Your DD is always going to strongly associate with food - it may change over time, but it is quite rooted behaviour at the moment. I would suggest when something like a cinema trip is mooted that you tell her at the outset what treats she can have, but maybe say that she will lose part of that is she badgers or tries to negotiate for more - and make sure you follow through.
I don't think you should tolerate the hand hovering or food snatching in any way either - it's very rude.
Personally, I would allow her to have the chocolate biscuit in her lunch box so she doesn't feel 'left out' in front of her friends but think about what else you allow her that day - either no more biscuits at home or maybe one biscuit at an allotted time. DD gets something like a flapjack finger/small bag of biscuits from a multipack in her lunch and will be allowed a pudding after dinner if she wants one (could be ice cream or a yogurt) and a biscuit and milk at bedtime. She doesn't tend to ask for snacks between meals either, but if we do an activity I'll take something like a fruit bar for her to eat afterwards. If she asks for more biscuits on a day I think she's had enough, I'll offer her something like an oat cake instead - that way if she really is hungry she'll eat it, but if she's just after sugar she will pass.
This is the way we operate at home and it has worked for us. DD would eat biscuits all day if she had unlimited access to them and I don't expect her at 5 to fully regulate her diet - that is mine and DP's job.
Had to smile a little at the selection box story - I put a bag of coins and a chocolate santa in DD's stocking this year and in the morning I had to wrestle a half eaten santa away from her to stop her scoffing the lot in one go!
Good luck!

slowlycatchymonkey Thu 31-Jan-13 17:03:35

Beamur and Hilly- thanks for your advice, it really helps. You are so right about the bartering, I'm going to get tough about it because it drives me insane and it's just driven by greed, hate that word but it's true. DD could be standing with a chocolate bar in her hand but will obsess about committing you to her next one, it's strange:/
Hilly I can identify so much about what you say regarding what the children will do when we can no longer regulate them. This sounds awful but the way my dd is now- I just can't see her being able to stop herself from going crazy. If we visiting friends where there is lots of treats on offer or a sort of relaxed approach to quantity- my dd will go truly loopy. I always without fail have to intervene and reign her in. What's it going to be like when she has pocket money, sleepovers, home alone or lunch money? Dread to think about it tbh.

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