Mumsnet Talk

I'm literally ready to walk out and leave the kids with my dh, for a weekend or more. Just had enough and really need some support and help especially from those who have big age gaps.

I have dd aged 9 and ds 7 months. Both difficult ages and stages in totally different ways. The only luck is that dd adores ds so plays with him and I might get 5 seconds break.

My dd is very demanding at the moment. Ds is very demanding at the moment.

I spent a long time being a single parent to dd and to be honest I had forgotten how exhausting the baby stage is. Ds is a much wanted baby but I find myself tearing my hair out several times a day as I constantly run around after him as he's rolled himself awkwardly or whinging because he's lying flat and wants to sit up or vice versa.

He is impossible to get dressed as he hates putting clothes on and literally cries, same with putting a coat on even though I am being gentle. This means every journey anywhere starts with me being in a stressed and bad mood. Even though I try not to show it.

He doesn't like going to cafes etc no matter if we bring toys or not. He sits and moans and makes enjoying anything impossible.

I am in the middle of weaning and that's going ok but he is still drinking as much formula as he ever was.. which is fine.... but I feel like I really don't have a clue what I'm doing.

I never have any time to myself. At all. Unless dh has them which he does sometimes but he works 6 days a week at the moment 14 hours a day. I can't trust my mum with them (long story) I have no friends in real life.

I feel like crawling into a hole.

I could have written this at various stages ... just wanted to let you know, you are definitely not alone and there are many wise people on here who will come along with supportive words. With your DD this may work as an incentive, I am using it with mine and it's working wonders. It is an app for ipod/pad/phone called 'iReward' You link the behaviour you want to rewards. Someone on here recommended it and it is worth the £2.49 it cost! (You can also get a free version with less options) May be worth a try if you have the pod/pad/phone!

Par tof DD being so demanding is possibly as a result of DS being do demanding - she likely feels that if she doesn't 'demand' she'll be forgotten (vivid memories).

Don't worry - first of all it WILL get better. Probably really annoying to hear that, but it will...

Try and establish a routine where you get an hour to yourself each morning but 'are still there'. By this, I mean after breakfast, put ds into his cot or playpen with some toys. He may scream, but just smile and say Mummy's here and then potter about around him tidying. I did this and it was difficult at first but now ds(2) is very happy and it allows me to get showered and clean up all the breakfast stuff. I will sing to him and always pop my head in the living room every 10mins or so to let him know I am there.

In this same hour slot, can you give dd some chores at weekends. So, you get showered and she tidies up? Gives her some responsibility and helps you...

So, that's an hour in the morning sorted.

Then in the afternoon I do find even though it's a pita go out rather than stay in. Soft play for ds as his screams will 'mingle in' and no one will even notice. DD could read/have lunch with you/go on an ipad/or could she take a friend to soft play for a chat or play - do 9 year olds still like soft play?

Walks -again, it doesn't matter if he screams his head off - just keep pushing the buggy and you can take dd to the shops to choose a treat or help you get stuff for dinner.

Swimming - dd goes in alone (or with a friend) and you go in with ds.

Library - dd gets to choose her books and ds plays on the floor

Zoo/parks - both entertained.

I presume it's the weekends are the hardest as in the week dd is at school.
Is there a creche at the leisure centre you could put ds in (if you feel comfortable?) Could you find a childminder for a couple of hours at the weekend for ds? Give these people (Home Start) a call - they are amazing - www.home-start.org.uk/

It sounds like you are the doing the right thing -keep going as you do have to get out and eventually ds will get used to it.

What's the bedtime routine like? Can you get them down within an hour of each other so then you have time at night for you. What about setting up playdates with dd's friends so then it is just you and ds for a bit.

I don't have any experience of big age gaps but am sure plenty of helpful mn'etters will be along that do, but I would try and get the older one to help as much as can as she is not a baby and that would be a huge advantage.

Also, when ds goes to bed that is your chance to spend quality time with her just the two of you, and thank her for being such a wonderful big, grown up sister!

Maybe, contact a HV and have a look on amazon for any helpful books. Also, DH will need to have them for a couple of hours on his day off so at least you get some time alone - he may be tired, but that's life!

Re:weaning, speak to the HV, go onto this site www.babyledweaning.com or post here in the weaning section.

Re: friends - if you take ds to groups you will make some, it's just finding the locals one that you like.

Good luck xx

Thank you for all the advice and tips.

I think part of my problem is I find ds crying or whinging soooooo stressful. I just can't bear it and it actually makes me really angry I just can't cope with the noise

Dd isn't actually being naughty. And I'd hate for her to feel pushed out so if anything I'm bending over to do things with her. I took her to lunch in her favourite cafe today even though ds moaned the whole time except for ten mins when having a bottle. I didn't get to eat anything because I sat with ds on my lap.

Ds sleeps from 5-5 every night so I have 5-8 with dd on her own and I go to bed at 9.

I just feel too tired I have no energy for any of it.

I will try out some of the suggestions. We did the library yesterday... everything has to be done at break neck speed though as ds won't sit still in The buggy without starting to whinge.

Sorry for short reply... ds is waking up from a short nap ! Will reply in more depth later.

I know it's hard but just try and block it out. Some babies just whinge. ALL. DAY.LONG. There's nothing you can really do, but just check he doesn't need changing, feeding etc and then carry on as normal and eventually he will give up.

Maybe, take a look at the weaning - is he hungry/too much milk/constipated - there could be a whole range of reasons, once you get that cracked that will be amazing and it might all stop

Don't do stuff at break neck speed - just carry on as you would and ds will eventually stop whinging.

That's great that dd had a special trip out to the cafe- why don't you get them both wrapped up and go for a walk now in the snow? DD can take some pictures, play and ds can whinge in the buggy - it's better than whinging in the house and it will break up the afternoon.

Speak to the Health Visitor about the whinging and do give Home Start a call when you have time.

Can you push ds back to 7-7 routine as 5am is very early for you to get up every day - you must be exhausted. That way you will still have an hour with dd before she goes to bed at 8 and maybe 2 hours for you before you go to bed at 10?

Yes I was going to say the same with regard ds's nighttime sleep, can you try pushing it back a little? It may take time to achieve this but if you could gradually push it back by even just 1 hour, 6am is a far preferable time to have to get up than 5am. If you aren't having to get up at what definitely still feels like the middle of the night, you'll have a bit more energy and could manage a later bedtime - even if you spend that extra hour watching crap tv, it is bliss to just have a bit of peace and quiet and time "off".

I can totally empathise with the feeling of 24/7 childcare and demands. I have 4yo ds and 12 week old dd and due to dh's long hours at work and upcoming exams, and now family illness, I have been doing it alone for the past few months. Over time it wears you down and you need to look for ways to find some enjoyment in life again. You have to make this happen as it is all too easy to just sit at home, get more and more depressed and short-tempered and end up having a meltdown. Is there a decent mums and toddlers group near you where you can meet a few other mums for a natter and sympathy and a cuppa while ds plays? Knowing some other mums who can empathise would really help I think and make you feel a bit more supported.

Even if dh works very long hours, I'm sure he could manage to give you an hour's respite - maybe find a yoga class or zumba or anything that takes your fancy one evening a week when he has to babysit and you get to go out by yourself. You'll find that even a short time to yourself regularly does wonders for the sanity. I actually intend to take my own advice soon - right now I'm struggling to find time to even have a shower... x

Thanks.. the bedtime IS a nightmare. I've tried everything but ds seems to have an internal clock which switches to I must go to bed now (and I mean now) at 5pm whatever I do ... it is so frustrating!

I've tried letting him have a cat nap at 5 and waking him but all he does is literally scream to go to bed and then he wakes at 5 anyway.

However I am persevering with trying to get him to bed later.... tonight it was 5.20 which is an improvement. Well an improvement from the 4.30pm it was a few weeks ago.

He has never slept much in the day either... currently got the best naps out of him yet (must be upstairs in bed in his cot in the dark) for 2 x 1 hour naps. When he was 8 weeks old he stayed awake for 12 hours straight. I kid you not.

I don't mean to sound so defeatist and I do appreciate the suggestions. I will try some of them tomorrow.

I just feel like I'm not living I'm existing.

Dh and I are in the middle of a day of terrible silence. Basically I got very angry yesterday as dh came home for lunch and ds was having a nap and I was stressed out anyway... I can't stand banging or random noise when I'm stressed and dh kept fiddling with one of ds rattles. (God this sounds stupid). I playfully said could he stop it and he did but kept holding it and absent mindedly kept touching it and the noise sent me mental. I just wanted one hour where I didn't have to hear rattles. So......

I asked him to give it to me. And I was angry and I threw it. Very hard. And it accidentally smacked him across the knuckles. Oops. It really hurt him and he stormed back to work. I have of course apologised but he is saying I was wrong to lose my temper like that.

Well maybe I was but the noise was driving me fucking mad.

I just sometimes feel I can't cope with going through all this again, another baby. Dd was so independent and we could go anywhere, do anything. Now whatever we do is accompanied by a whinging soundtrack.

I'm sorry, I give everything to ds and I bend over backwards to make sure he has a happy life, playing, cuddles, love etc. But everyday feels like a life sentence.

I don't enjoy working either (on maternity leave but I mean any job) and I don't want to go to baby groups as I find it all too intimidating.

I just miss my old life and I thought I would feel better 7 months in but I don't.

I have completely gone off sex (in general) ... I just don't have any energy and I couldn't even care less about it. Dh finds sex to be a really important part of us and I know he feels sad but to be honest I just have no sex drive whatsoever.

I was like this after I had dd and I ended up leaving her dad because I just felt fed up with the weight of the relationship as well as everything else.

Someone shoot me. Really had enough.

there is a 6 year gap between my 2 ds's, so not quite the same.

however it does get easier over time.

ds2 loved his baby bouncer (the ones you hang from a door frame) and he had a motorised swing.

it helped when ds1 had a friend round as they would amuse themselves. it also meant this was reciprocated, so ds1 didn't get as bored.

I second going swimming. tiring for both children.

also parent and baby groups. it's easy to get very isolated, and the feel as though you can't cope as you have no one to of load to. it will also give Ds(?) the chance to get used to being held by other people.

ds2 was very clingy, and is now 10 and still holds my hand, sits on my knee and gives me lots of hugs, so there are plus sides (eventually).

you need to look after yourself and get a bit of exercise and fresh air. even an hour a week by yourself - have a walk to a cafe and read the paper with a hot drink can be enough sometimes.

be kind to yourself. this stage won't last forever and time will fly by

have you tried turning the getting dressed into a game is where's baby's hand, there it is! when putting arms in sleeves, blowing raspberries on his tummy when putting on a vest etc. dancing to music we whilst holding your baby (obviously gently, not breakdancing etc! )

hope this all helps.

and I agree with previous posters about bedtime. 5 is a mad time to be getting up, even if it is after 12 hours sleep, which is great. push the time back by 10 minutes a day till you get to a time which suits you. maybe put did to bed at 7.45 and get her to read for 15 minutes by herself. aim to get 9 hours sleep every night, maybe go to bed a little earlier and read for 10 minutes yourself.

it's easy to think you aren't doing a good job, but you have obviously done fine for the past 9 years, you just need a few tweaks to your routine to suit you. but try to be flexible, and if it all gets too much, just hop to the loo for 5 minutes for a time out

there is a 6 year gap between my 2 ds's, so not quite the same.

however it does get easier over time.

ds2 loved his baby bouncer (the ones you hang from a door frame) and he had a motorised swing.

it helped when ds1 had a friend round as they would amuse themselves. it also meant this was reciprocated, so ds1 didn't get as bored.

I second going swimming. tiring for both children.

also parent and baby groups. it's easy to get very isolated, and the feel as though you can't cope as you have no one to of load to. it will also give Ds(?) the chance to get used to being held by other people.

ds2 was very clingy, and is now 10 and still holds my hand, sits on my knee and gives me lots of hugs, so there are plus sides (eventually).

you need to look after yourself and get a bit of exercise and fresh air. even an hour a week by yourself - have a walk to a cafe and read the paper with a hot drink can be enough sometimes.

be kind to yourself. this stage won't last forever and time will fly by

have you tried turning the getting dressed into a game is where's baby's hand, there it is! when putting arms in sleeves, blowing raspberries on his tummy when putting on a vest etc. dancing to music we whilst holding your baby (obviously gently, not breakdancing etc! )

hope this all helps.

and I agree with previous posters about bedtime. 5 is a mad time to be getting up, even if it is after 12 hours sleep, which is great. push the time back by 10 minutes a day till you get to a time which suits you. maybe put dd to bed at 7.45 and get her to read for 15 minutes by herself. aim to get 9 hours sleep every night, maybe go to bed a little earlier and read for 10 minutes yourself.

it's easy to think you aren't doing a good job, but you have obviously done fine for the past 9 years, you just need a few tweaks to your routine to suit you. but try to be flexible, and if it all gets too much, just hop to the loo for 5 minutes for a time out

there is a 6 year gap between my 2 ds's, so not quite the same.

however it does get easier over time.

ds2 loved his baby bouncer (the ones you hang from a door frame) and he had a motorised swing.

it helped when ds1 had a friend round as they would amuse themselves. it also meant this was reciprocated, so ds1 didn't get as bored.

I second going swimming. tiring for both children.

also parent and baby groups. it's easy to get very isolated, and the feel as though you can't cope as you have no one to of load to. it will also give Ds(?) the chance to get used to being held by other people.

ds2 was very clingy, and is now 10 and still holds my hand, sits on my knee and gives me lots of hugs, so there are plus sides (eventually).

you need to look after yourself and get a bit of exercise and fresh air. even an hour a week by yourself - have a walk to a cafe and read the paper with a hot drink can be enough sometimes.

be kind to yourself. this stage won't last forever and time will fly by

have you tried turning the getting dressed into a game is where's baby's hand, there it is! when putting arms in sleeves, blowing raspberries on his tummy when putting on a vest etc. dancing to music we whilst holding your baby (obviously gently, not breakdancing etc! )

hope this all helps.

and I agree with previous posters about bedtime. 5 is a mad time to be getting up, even if it is after 12 hours sleep, which is great. push the time back by 10 minutes a day till you get to a time which suits you. maybe put dd to bed at 7.45 and get her to read for 15 minutes by herself. aim to get 9 hours sleep every night, maybe go to bed a little earlier and read for 10 minutes yourself.

it's easy to think you aren't doing a good job, but you have obviously done fine for the past 9 years, you just need a few tweaks to your routine to suit you. but try to be flexible, and if it all gets too much, just hop to the loo for 5 minutes for a time out

ffs

I think you're finding it hard because everything was probably very civilised with just one dd of about 8 years old (since it would have been before your ds was born). When I've talked to mums who have dcs of this age they sometimes come out with things and I think wow you've totally forgotten what it is like having a baby. (I've got four dcs and so seem to have had a baby for ages).

You need to learn to accept that you can't do what you did before with your DD, and I think the root of your problem is you haven't done this.

Next time wait until your DH is at home to look after your DS so you can take your DD to a cafe. Accept it doesn't work taking them on your own for the time being.

Looking after two dcs is very manageable, however, a screaming moaning baby is draining. You need some time to yourself when your DH is off work. Try and sort something out with him. You deserve a break from the dcs if you've been looking after them for six days on your own.

It sounds like you are rather depressed fairylea and everything is getting on top of you.

If you can sort the sleeping pattern I PROMISE you everything will get better. Sleep deprivation is the biggest bitch ever and a complete killer - those that can cope on 4 hours sleep a night sadly don't understand.

Having to get up at 5am every day and then manage all day as a SAHM with 2 dc is enough to drive anyone to despair.

When ds was born I used to rock to him sleep EVERY.SINGLE. FUCKING. NIGHT. I literally used to walk around our flat all night and every nap time. It nearly drove me insane.

Then I read this book - The Sensational Baby Sleep Plan after a friend told me about it - www.amazon.co.uk/Sensational-Baby-Sleep-Plan/dp/0593062817

Please order it, it changed my life, she basically tells you how to get them sleeping from 7-7 and how to manage daytime naps. I did have to stay at home in the day for about a week to get it all sorted but it was the best thing we ever did. I enjoy ds so much more now and he adores his sleep and routine.

I do think (and I'm sure many posters will disagree) but a good routine, sleeping, feeling confident with your weaning, gettting out regularly and structure has saved me as a SAHM. Without the above, I'm depressed, ratty and everything is manic. Yes, it's boring but it will save your sanity.

The baby groups can be boring but no one really cares about anyone apart from their own child screaming/pulling hair etc. No one will be looking or judging you and if you don't like one, find another.

The key really is getting out of the house, keeping them entertained, tiring them out and establishing good routines imo. Then everything else falls into place, they're not ratty at home all day, you're not pissed off with them, tired, sick of entertaining them and desperate for freedom.

sorry if this has been mentioned but have you tried wine a dummy

OP do you have diagnosis of PND?

9 months is a really hard age. They know what they want but cannot either speak to ask for it, or move enough to get it. It will get better soon, it really will.

And try to block out the whinging, I always found that easier if I was outside. Makes cafes hard, but places like the zoo are brilliant because you can just tune the noise out and it doesn't really bother anyone else.

Thanks, I will order the book .. willing to try anything. Dd was a Gina ford baby (ha!) ... I gave it a go with ds and he effectively laughed in my face when I tried to put him down for a nicely timed nap... he stayed awake the whole time and then for four hours afterwards. So I threw the book out and now I think I was lucky with dd as she just settled into 7-7 but ds natural sleep pattern is 5-5 ! So yes willing to try the book. And yes I am crawling the walls with depression and exhaustion.

I will go to my GP this week I think. I'm just scared of going on anti depressants as I took them with dd as I had bad pnd then and everything became a big fog. But maybe a fog is better than this god I sound so pathetic. And I feel angry because I should be able to look at dd and think all I have to do is get ds to that stage and it isn't long really but it seems a million years away.

I think it's fair to say I haven't come to terms with my life changing. I don't know how to. I go to bed at 9 because I want to sleep and wake up and get the days over with.

Life has been really tough the last couple of years. I fell out with my alcoholic mother and moved her out and into her own house ... I'm an only child and I find myself still worrying about her and missing her too even though she isn't stable really. She sees the kids here with me once or twice a week for an hour. She isn't awful awful - she is only 62 and works etc. She drinks too much in the evenings and when she lived with us she would swear at me and shout at me and the next day forget shed done it at all.

We were very close as she helped me during my single parent days (before she became such a heavy drinker).

I also nearly bled to death having ds as I had undiagnosed placenta previa. I opted for a section as dds birth was difficult and then that..!

And ... our roof has gone and needs replacing. And we have no savings.. we have used them all... The only bit of light is we got a ppi refund this week which will help.

I was in a shop today and a song came on and I remembered listening to it two years ago in my car in the sunshine, no worries, no stress.

I've aged 20 years in the last 2.

Oh sorry yes he does have a dummy but only wants it when he naps.

He isn't constipated or anything like that. I think it's just frustration. He wants me to sit with him all the time literally all the time. Which I do mostly but even if I leave the room he will start.whinging.

I second a check for PND, esp as you say in your post you were the same with your DD and it affected your life so badly then too. Many sympathies, I only have one but he was hard work too and used to drive me to tears of frustration most days.

Cross posts, OP. It doesn't have to be ADs, CBT etc has helped me enormously.

When dh gets in from work, hand ds over and fuck off out of the house for an hour. Go for a walk.

For the first three posts I thought you were a single parent.

Where is dh in the bedtime trauma?

Where was he on a Saturday when you were in a cafe with two kids unable to eat?

Why didn't you leave ds with him, and take dd out for lunch?

Life is stressful. Hopefully if you have undx PND the anti-ds will take the edge off it, but in the meantime, you need a bit of support, both practical and emotional. And you need a break.

And a formula fed fed baby with a father in the home makes it pretty easy to get one.

Dh works odd shifts. Today he was out of the house at 6 and home at 6. Yep he works weekends too sometimes.

Some nights his shift finishes at 10pm so he doesn't get in till 11.

He is very hands on when he is here. Will put ds to bed and feed him etc.

But yes it is hard as for 6 days of the week I am basically on my own with ds again because of the awkward bedtime which I am trying to change...

True about the cbt etc. I will ask about that, thanks.

You say 2 years ago you were carefree. 2 years ago you were still a mum. That time will come again and very very soon. Your DS is at an awkward age - too old to basically sleep all day, too young to be able to do anything to independently entertain himself. If you're breastfeeding you're probably still responsible for most of his dietary needs.

You're probably back to being a first time mum, as there's such a gap, and finding it just as hard, without the help, support and understanding that first time mums get. Take a break wherever you can. Count down the days - I have only just stopped It won't be long before you wake up in the morning and decide what you would like to do, as opposed to what you have to do, or are restricted to.

You just have to make the most of it when dh is there. Mine was army, and I have three kids (the youngest of which is disabled).

I was a basket case when they were little. Truly. But it's all part of life.

Dd2 couldn't feed during the day, so I had to set my alarm and feed her all night, then function all day with the other two toddlers/ preschoolers and a screaming baby.

It's awful, frankly. But you get through it. Get out of the house as much as possible. When dd is at school, there must be a ton of baby groups you can gate crash. Go find 'em.

Oh and get your DH to plan some time off, maybe in 6 weeks time, a day or two. depending on how you feel he is to take your DD and DS out for the day, possibly the night too. Having that to look forward to will do wonders.

Are your inlaws nearby? Any help?

Please try and get out to some form of group. I know you say you find it intimidating but you need to break up they days. Its so long on your own with a baby.
I aimed to be out for some time of the day every day. It saved my sanity.

is there a parent and baby swimming session near you? I used to take ds2 when he was about 7-8 months old to one on a Monday morning (think it was 10am). I'd feed him afterwards, then he'd be so tired he'd be asleep in the car within 5 minutes. I used to get him out of the car in his car seat and then leave him OK in the living room. hopefully at the same time I'd get a nap on the sofa

as other posters have suggested, maybe CBT would get. try your HV, or where I am you access help through the iapt team.

tbh I found it hard having ds2 when I was 36, especially as mil wasn't a big fan of small babies (I don't think she could remember what to do), and dmum died when ds2 was 3.

I also found parent as and baby groups a bit cliquie, but the more people you come into contact with, the more likely you are to find a friend or two.

or try mumsnet local?

Essentially you have had the culture shock of first baby all over again, because your life with a 7 year old would have been relatively straightforward and stress free - and at least you can communicate with them effectively!

Almost worse though, because it sounds like your DD was a fairly easy baby and you feel like you should know what to do this time around, but of course your DS is a different child.

I thought DS1 was a poor sleeper until I had DS2. He is 22 months and I have just finished settling him to sleep. He has a BF, and a cuddle, and a rock and then eventually he goes in his bed. I could hear him calling for me a few times but he seems to have gone off <crosses fingers> It is hard, and when he didn't do what I expected when he was little I used to think to myself 'but, but, but he is supposed to do X' an awful lot.

Please do go to your GP. I had PND after DS1, diagnosed when he was 8 months. I did take ADs, and I had a course of CBT and the two in combination really really helped me.

Thank you for the replies.

It is like starting all over again that is very true.

I think this week has been particularly awful as dh has worked 65 hours as he is the only one who lives close enough to walk to work when it's been snowing so much. So I have been mostly on my own - but then no different to an army wife or a single mum (realising these aren't the same things, just saying) and they seem to cope so I don't know why I'm not. I feel annoyed with myself.

I went to the GP today. They have put me on the waiting list for some counselling. They don't want to give me anti depressants because I have a pituitary problem and apparently they can interact so they will only give them as a last resort after counselling. I cant afford private counselling.

I have brought ds a play pen as I think some of the issue is now he's mobile I can't even leave him for 5 seconds to go to the loo or put shopping away as he tries to roll under the sofa or nearly bangs his head etc so hopefully the play pen packed with toys will mean I can leave him for 5 mins to do things, obviously not going to literally leave him in it!

This morning was a shit day as ds woke me up at 4.30am, had a bottle and went back to bed till 6.30. I then had mad dash for school run and ds wouldn't then settle for morning nap... when he eventually did he woke up crying during my shower.. cue me sopping wet running about. I think his teeth are bad, given calpol etc.

Dh came home from work and we went out for a coffee with ds which is a walk into town. Ds was moody and whingy, I got veru stressed with the whole thing and dh got annoyed with me getting stressed. He kept saying I can "never enjoy the little things". Well what the fuck is there to enjoy? Can't even have a shower in peace, can't have a coffee in peace... can't do bloody anything.

And this was after I'd played with ds all morning, with his new toys I'd brought him. And walked round cuddling him etc etc.

Dd and I had a good couple of evenings playing board games and card games.

Theres no time for me. At all. I could ask dh to have ds so I could do something on my.own but the way I'm feeling at the moment I don't even want that, I'd just feel annoyed I have to go back to all of this.

I know dh is fed up with me always being miserable but I'm just so fed up with it all,even though I am doing my best for everyone.

You must finish your shower, even if he is crying. A couple of minutes won't harm him, and you need to feel like you can face the world.

Hi Fairylea,

I'm glad you posted, I was hoping you were OK.

I think buying the playpen is a great idea but you can leave him longer for 5 minutes, that's the point. Start off for 10 mins and like I said before just tidy around and sing so he can see you but go in and out of the room.

Gently increase it and soon he WILL be happy to play alone for 30mins or so enough for you to get showered and go to the toilet and have a cup of tea.

Please don't take this the wrong way but if you are getting stressed and agitated he will pick up on this and be more upset. Put him down and take a deep breath, you will have to train yourself to block it out and cope with it in a way that you can, otherwise you're going to be stressed every single day, because babies will whinge every day.

Or laugh at him and tickle him, comfort him. Obviously the sleeping routine is the biggest killer because you are getting up so early, did you order the book?

Stay positive, I know it's hard but if you feel like you can do it, you will and you can!

Oh and do ask dh to look after him, otherwise you will never get time alone. Once you get the sleeping sorted and are less tired, you will be able to go out at night for a couple of hours if dh is in or ask a friend to babysit when the children are in bed?

I really sympathize as I hate noise and whining and crying. I need a good couple of hours of quiet a day to wind down.

Just a suggestion, but have you tried popping him in a sling? My dd is 9 months and has started getting a bit whingey and clingy, so I've been popping her on my back so I can potter around the house.

I also have a playpen and it is a lifesaver now dd is crawling. I find that she is fine in it with her toys and cbeebies on in the background if she can't see me, but if I come into the room, she immediately cries and lifts her arms to come out so I hide in the kitchen for a cuppa

Definitely try a couple of play groups or a baby swimming group. I met some lovely mums at a breastfeeding cafe and we meet up to go for walks or playgroups. I go to a music group for 0-4s too and it is such a big age range that there are plenty of other babies and toddlers making noise/running off that I don't feel self-conscious about dd crying and whinging.

I knew I recognised your name - did you post about your leaking roof problems a while back? You're in south Norfolk aren't you? If so, I'm in Norwich so pm if you like...

Have you had your iron levels checked? Just a small thing, but since you lost a lot of blood pp, and low iron can make you feel like shit.

Try to remember you've done this once - and have raised a lovely sounding dd - so you can do it again. Shit days will happen, but DO NOT beat yourself up about it. That way lies more pain. Tell yourself, and the dc, that tomorrow will be better. Definitely contact home start, and are there any sure start sessions you could go to? It's a difficult age once they're mobile but not walking, and it can be hard to find appropriate activities, I know.

Oh, and don't underestimate how much sleep deprivation is a part of what you're feeling. Can you both go to bed sometimes for a nap? I did this a lot wi ds (16mo) who wouldn't nap alone.

Have a big hug (I know, so unmumsnetty) and eat chocolate - it helps! And honestly, please feel welcome to pm me if you're near Norwich

Thanks. I have ordered the book. It hasn't come yet.

I thought about getting a sling but I'm a bit hesitant as I brought two (a Moby and a babasling) when ds was very little and he hated both and I ended up selling them..so a bit reluctant to spend more money on them only to have to resort to selling it on eBay again. I've heard a mei taI is quite good, maybe I could get one of those... I don't know really.

Sleep deprivation is awful. Ds has been up once a night all this week. He finishes his bottle (if I try ans settle without he doesn't go back to sleep, just wide awake talking) and then talks himself back to sleep. He's not upset, just awake. And still only having short daytime naps. And now back to 5-5 again after a couple of days of 5.30-6 where I thought we'd cracked it.

The playpen is useful. He seems ok in it... he's in it now while I am on here for a second.

Dh has been off work for 3 days and essentially I have ruined his time off by being so miserable. I feel like he's disappointed with me because I'm not enjoying things like he is. We end up getting into tiredness competitions and who does the most competitions. I feel like I should always win because I'm the one getting up at stupid o clock but he is obviously doing masses of hours at work too.

We aren't really talking to each other much. There's a lot of resentment between us, which is sad as we used to be very close.

Yesterday I went to bed in tears. I'm just so fed up with having to get up and do a day like this everyday.

Oh and sorry, I'm sort of close ish to Norwich - thanks - but I'm really not in a good place at the moment so not up to seeing anyone really. I just need to offload on here a little, I'm sorry, thank you though.

Hi FairyLea - so sorry that you are in a bad place at the moment. I have always noticed the helpful and sensible posts you have written, especially when giving advice to mothers who are bottle feeding. I have PND too, although mine is anxiety based, and it's crippling. If your DH is aware of your past bout of PND, and also of the way you are feeling now, then he needs to give you a break. Can you point him in the direction of websites that give information and advice to the partners of women with PND? The NHS one, and the one on Netmums are both very good at explaining everything.

I really think that having your partner's support is key. He needs to understand how vital it is that you get some respite, even if it's just so you can go upstairs and be by yourself for a few hours. This is surely not impossible. I imagine that with him working so much he would enjoy spending the time with the children, and obviously he can see how stressed and unhappy you are. Calling you miserable isn't helpful. It is possible though that he finds you being unhappy stressful and it's this that causes him to be defensive I've been guilty of this in the past.

I know you don't feel up to seeing people but please, please rethink this. It won't do you any good being on your own all the time. Even if you can meet a friend once a week they can hold your gorgeous (even if he is whingey!) baby while you drink a cup of tea? Some mother and baby groups are quite nice too. It's just chit chat a lot of the time and you don't have to make friends for life but it passes a couple of hours. I also went to Puddle Ducks baby swimming lessons with my DD which was a bit of a life line at times. I second the person who says babies sleep well after swimming. Mine would down a bottle and then be off for two hours. Never like this at other times.

Our babies are the same age and like you I thought I would be 'better' by now but it doesn't always work like that. I have good days and bad days and good mornings and bad afternoons and vice versa. Get in touch with HV and get some help. PM me if you want to vent. I do understand. My DS is 5.5 so pretty big age gap here too.

xxxx hugs (don't give a crap if they're not 'mumsnetty' ... )

Thank you very much notebook, and thank you very much for the kind comments about my posts. I don't have any idea what I'm saying half the time I just try and talk to everyone as I would doIf it were me talking to me!

You're right about the groups. And about dh. I think he is just finding it hard because I am so emotionally closed down. Literally I do not talk to him at all. We are civil for the children, in fact we sat and played card games with dd last night and she loved it but when she went to bed dh and I sat in silence until I went to bed.

I just cannot find any energy or way to start a conversation and when I do try about random stuff dh knows I'm just being superficial and he doesn't really engage. So we give up.

We are still not touching at all or kissing either. Nothing. Which is fine by me as I have no desire to do anything at all. But at the same time I feel sad because I know it's not normal to feel that way and dh is feeling like I've gone off him even though he hasn't said anything.

I feel like everything is broken really and I don't know how to fix it. When I think about having ds and how happy and together we were I just feel sad, I don't know where it's all gone.

I feel very disconnected from dh. I find myself getting ridiculously angry with him about stupid things and having to swallow the anger as there is no point in another argument so I have to let it go.

I am going to try and be brave this week and find a baby group. I think what worries me is I don't want a friend I have to feel yet more responsibility for, to keep in touch with, do things for, owe time to. I don't have anything left to give. But I do need to amuse ds and so I will give it a go.

Ds has been really difficult today ... I took him for a long walk round town and had a coffee which he was fine during it all and enjoyed looking at the people and I actually thought I can do this... but from the minute we got home he's just cried on and off. Teeth again I think. I don't know. I gave him some calpol and teething stuff. He didn't seem to want to do anything - no toys, singing, quiet time, looking at books etc. Nothing.

All he wanted was to be constantly walked round being held (which I did but I am exhausted) and constant bottles.

He's lost interest in food the last few days..it's like he can't be bothered despite a varied diet being offered and finger food and will just want a bottle instead. So I've just been flowing with him really.

Sorry for long post. No one to talk to really and need to share.

just a quick one as I'm on my phone and hate typing on it-have u tried a sling library? they are about a fiver in my local one for a fortnight loan and the person who runs it will help u try different ones to find what suits u.
FWIW me and she have had sex about 3times since dd was born in April! I just don't have the energy or desire and I know dh is a bit upset about it.
definitely try a group just to pop in for a coffee and if u don't like it or feel uncomfortable then just say it's naptime and leave.
hope the weekend is going ok for u.

I meant dh, not she!!

Go on your local freecycle group and ask if anyone has one they don't need? Then if it doesn't work, no money spent and you can freecycle it again yourself.

Good luck, it's so hard to pull yourself up even a little when day to day life is grinding you down so badly.

fairylea I don't have much advice but I just wanted to add to the hand holding and unmumsnet hugs ((((())))). I was in a similar situation with my DD - DH was very unsupportive emotionally although he did / still does a lot around the house but I felt so very lonely. I agree with PPs that your DH needs to help, I found even a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep snatched on the odd afternoon DH could help out really helped.

I am not a big fan of mother and baby groups but i found ones which didn't last too long and had lots of stimulation for DD were bearable for me and tired DD out so she slept really well afterwards. Monkey music is my favourite as it tires her out completely and only lasts for half an hour.

I know you said your LO didn't like slings before but if you want, I have a spare Kari-mi sling, if you want it, just PM me and if your DS doesn't like it, you can always pass it on to someone else.

And do keep posting here ... When DD had relfux, it was the only thing that kept me sane.

I wish I had more helpful advice but I am sending enormous hugs and a large glass of wine

You are doing a tremendous job! Hang in there, and do keep posting

Xxxxx

Hi, my kids are a lot olde 6 and 8 but I do remember this stage! Sounds like he is teething and suffering from desperation anxiety ( which does go fast) try getting PIL to help with child are so you get time to yourself or to meet a friend for coffee. Groups will help and it may just be that you look forward to meeting a few of them each week at the same group or over time you may want to meet up with them. These women will be going through the same things as you and just to know that and connect in that way will help. Also have you tried teething rings that have been warmed up in water or cooled down in the freezer or putting him in his car seat for half an hour in front of ceebeebies or put him in a bumbo chair with toys on reach. Offer him different toys every day. Put him in his high chair with chopped up banana or other suitable finger foods once the teething pain had gone and his appetite has increased again! Also offer larger meals to discourage milk drinking and start watering down the milk during the day maybe? See what your hv suggests in the drinking too much! Try playing with him each night for longer and longer to extend the time he goes to sleep or bath him later and later/ bedtime routine later and later and that may extend jos bed time and when had wakes in the morning. Also ask dd to help even if its playing with des as appose to chores. Just

Sorry posted too soon! Even just 40 mins after school do you can get stuff done. You can reward her with increased pocket money or when dh at home take her out for a girls only treat. A coffee, a haircut, a film only suitable for older children etc! It will get better!

Excuse spelling mistakes. Posting from I phone! I meant seperation not desperation!

Hope the counselling will help, it did with my PND. I had a big gap too - with my first being a dream baby and my second being a whirlwind and totally different character. He is a very academic, verbal, imaginative and whizzy child now and I love him for it. It was really hard going till he got talking.

Exercise really helped me hugely (in fact doing it daily made me feel almost normal) and so if you can try and go for a walk/run/exercise/zumba class. There are probably other things you can do for yourself - like a bubbly hot bath when baby is asleep. Do try and attend a few baby groups - it does help. I met a lovely mum at a play group who was brutally honest and said she was finding it hard. It's just good to chat.

When you start to feel happier, your kids will pick up too. Mine kind of sensed my sadness/stress and we were all whiny!

Hi OP, my DD is 5 months but reading your story, I can identify very strongly with a lot of the feelings you're going through. I too find it very very stressful if DD cries, I just can't seem to let it flow over me like most people. I find myself afraid to take her out in the buggy in case she gets hysterical crying and I'm stuck somewhere. I'm also totally cut off from my DP, emotionally and physically. I know that's no help but just so you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

I just wanted to raise a point though, is it worth taking your DS to the GP just to get him checked out, in case his constant whinging is for a reason? For example, it could be an ear infection, or silent reflux? My DD SCREAMED every night for hours for the first few months, finally our hv diagnosed her with silent reflux, she's on meds now and do much better.

If its not an underlying cause, perhaps DS is a 'high-needs baby'? I was reading about it on a Dr Sears website. There is also a support group on here for mothers of high needs babies. It sounds like at the moment your DS just wants to feel close to you all the time. I know that's exhausting but if it stops him crying it might make you feel less stressed overall. Finally, in just a few more months he may start to talk and be able to tell you what he wants. This will pass in time, just keep focussing on the future.

Hello all

Been a better few days... the book arrived today and I'm planning to take it to bed with me soon and give it a read.

I'm planning to get a Mei tai sling as they seem to suit older babies a bit better... I don't think ds liked the ultra snug fit of some of the stretchy ones. Will see.

Sex can just wait to be honest. I'm just trying to focus on one day at a time and trying to get through without wanting to bash my head on a wall for now. Dh and I are talking more though which is good.

Ds did have reflux when he was very little and had medication for it.. he seems to have grown out of it slowly but I think I might take him to the GP for a check up. I'm pretty sure most of it is teething as his bottom teeth have come through this week.
I find it hard knowing what to do with him during the day.. I do all the usual toys, singing, walking about, letting him roll about etc. It just doesn't seem to keep him happy for more than a few minutes at a time ... is that normal ? I can't remember from dd.

Sometimes I worry I'm not engaging enough for him.. I don't know.

I still haven't plucked up the courage to go to any groups. I'm worried everyone is going to look at me like some woman who is playing at being a mum. It doesn't come naturally to me

I feel a bit jealous of women who seem to love the baby stage

For me every day is so hard. But I'm focusing on the good things from the past few days.

Thanks for the advice x

Hey Fairylea,
Glad you're feeling a bit better. I know what you mean with the being a mum not feeling natural, me neither. I somehow thought I would magically transform into a capable Mum when I had DD, when in reality I just feel like me but with a baby! I just make it up as I go along and do the best I can. I think we have a tendency to think of 'Mums' as a group of people we don't fit in with, when in reality there are lots of others who feel the same as we do. So going to the groups can often work out surprisingly well, it helps to meet others going thru similar things, it gives your LO a change of scene and it uses up time really easily that would be much harder to fill if u were on your own at home with him.

With my DD (i know she's a bit younger than your DS), I have several ways to amuse her and I just rotate them they the day between naps: music station (from elc), playmat/gym, laying her in her cot to watch mobile/play with toys, read books to her, let her sit on bouncer and watch me in kitchen, sitting in bouncer watching baby einstein dvd or cbeebies, sitting in high chair playing with toys on table, then also theres walks in pram, few music groups a week. It all adds up to fill the day. They don't amuse her for more than 10-15 mins usually, except In the Night Garden which she would happily watch all day!

Hope the sleep book you ordered and the sling both help. Please give a group a try, the music ones are good, or baby massage might help him relax? Oh and the reflux thing, I read sometimes they can have it till they are 2, so maybe it is still bothering him? As you say though, most likely teeth!

All the best x

Hi Fairylea,

I keep checking this thread to see if you have replied, so glad you have!

You sound SO much more positive which is wonderful. Pain in the ass forcing yourself to feel like that when everything seems shite but it really does work.....I know from bitter experience.

Glad the book arrived - hope you get on well with it. Everyone I know who read it and followed it has nailed the sleeping routine and is very happy, so good luck.

Don't feel like you have to entertain ds all day - lord, I don't know any saint that sits there playing with their dc all day - it would drive me up the wall.

Actually, I have a very wise friend who said she spent hours interacting and stimulating her dd and it turned into a situation where dd was too dependent on her - couldn't play alone, wanted constant stimulation and cuddles etc. She said she soon changed that with her son and he is happier in his own company, able to play alone, doesn't scream if she leaves the room etc and doesn't 'need her' as much.

Remember, he will get so much stimulation from just watching you, so do carry on as normal. Stick in him a bouncer/playmat as you clean/cook with the radio on talking to him etc. If he cries a lot, just carry on and maybe pick him up cuddle him and put him down again and show him Mummy is there but you can't hold him all the time.

Yes, take him to the doctors and again, please try and get out everyday as it is fresh air, exercise for you and change of scenery. I have a small flat so am very short of space and getting out everyday is a basic necessity for ds and I. It's amazing how it becomes part of your routine. Again, if he cries, he cries there's not much you can do - does he like the buggy/car?

Also, can you go to a group where it's a bit more structured so you're not forced to make friends or chat rubbish with others? How about a baby ryhme time/massage etc where someone leads the class, taking away the opportunity to chat to others.

I used to go to a music class for 30mins - everyone walked in, listened to the teacher, tried to stop their own child escaping/destroying the instruments/paid and left. It suited me perfectly and ds had a wonderful 2 hours sleep afterwards....

Oh, and the sex, well unless you are bothered, don't worry about it in the slightest - communication is key and that's great you're chatting with dh. Would you feel comfortable showing him this thread or telling him exactly how you are feeling?

Also, as soon as your dd goes to sleep remember the night is yours (if you can be bothered!) and you can go out, put a dress on, go to the gym. I love going to the cinema alone and try at least once a month - it's something wonderful to look forward to and dh loves his three hours alone to watch crap on TV.

Anyway, have rambled on for too long, onwards and upwards...

Well I've managed to get ds sleeping from 6-6 which is a massive improvement. And he's started having 2 hour naps during the day too. So I really can't complain about that anymore. Thank you for the book suggestion, it really really helped. I am very grateful.

On the other hand I'm still feeling really down. I feel like I am just stumbling through the days trying to get through to bedtime. I feel really unhappy about everything, I don't even know where to start. And then the other half of me thinks what the hell is wrong with me.

I find myself thinking about all kinds of things late at night ... my gran dying of cancer (she died 9 years ago, she lived with me and mum and we cared for her till the end).. I keep having horrible images of her last day. And how she sounded like she was choking when she breathed. I remember putting the tv on for her incase she could hear. I get scared that I will get cancer and die like that. I have flashbacks of the birth of ds and how I was on the operating table losingso much blood.

I remember all the doctors saying "no it's still going" and them looking scared the blood wouldn't stop.

I think back a few years when my ex husband had just left me and I went a bit crazy and had a bit of a wild time drinking too much, went out with someone from my work a lot younger than me. I felt young again. At 28 I felt like a teenager. I spent days up till 6am and then crawling into bed (dd was at her dad's for those days / weekends).

As sad as it sounds I miss feeling like that and yet I shouldn't. I have a wonderful family. But something just feels so empty inside me. I feel old. Like I'm just getting through each day and eventually I will be older and die like my gran.

Dh and I have been arguing again. We have a good few days when I make a lot of effort to engage and then it all goes crap again when I'm tired and I cant be bothered. I find myself just longing to be on my own. I do get time on my own as dh often works evenings and I go to bed before he gets in, but I don't know I just feel very uncomfortable, like I'm living with a very nice family but it's not my family.

I'm struggling with weaning ds too. Dd nearly choked to death on finger food so although we are now into mashed foods I just can't cope with the anxiety and responsibility of feeding him anything else.
I feel like I'm failing in so many areas.

Hi sorry you are having a bit of a bad time. Good news about ur progress. Read quite a bit of this thread but missed what the book was called which was recommended to you.

my son is 5 months and am weaning him too. Feel a bit uncertain about it too. I personally feel that my HV has basically left me to it. I am now giving him three lots of pureed food a day and have reduced the amount of milk down at each sitting as i found he was playing with the last few ounce as he was full from the food.

Thanks. Weaning is a stressful time. I think everyone wonders if they're doing it right or not.... ! I know I do and this is my second.

Had a shit day today to be honest. Dh was home. Ds didnt nap well and was up after 20 mins all day, I didn't do anything different he just woke himself up. Consequently he wanted to go to bed at 5.30 and so I fear I may be back to the start again

I go to bed with a sense of dread that tomorrow I have to get up and do it all again. I wish I didn't feel that way.

Dh is upset as I've hardly talked to him for two days again. Yet alone touched him. I just feel angry about everything. I feel angry that he keeps on as if life is great and it's not great, it's crap and exhausting.

He wants to go somewhere tomorrow with the kids and I just don't see the point. Neither of them will appreciate it. Ds won't have a clue and dd will just want to get home on the pc. And I will be even more tired than now.

But then I know spending a whole day inside is awful too... bored kids etc.

I can't win.

God I just want two weeks off. I need a break. Not just a day out or a night out. A break.

Our ds is an early riser. waking up at about 5:30 - 6:15. But we are lucky enough that he sleeps through. His bedtime is 7:30 pm and i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep longer in a morning. i have just had to accept that thats his wake up time. I had a period of being very low and tearful a few weeks ago and i do occasionally get fed up still. I think it was sleep deprivation. I find myself shattered by tea time and most nights am in bed for 9 pm.

I do get quite irritable and tetchy and snap at my dp sometimes but i am very lucky in that he is extremely understanding.

We bought our 5month old ds a jumperoo which is brilliant. keeps him entertained for about half an hr if we are lucky, he gets bored and frustrated so then i just change his activity ie put him in his bouncy chair, do some row row row your boat and other songs with him, put him on his activity mat etc etc.

He has always been a whingy baby too and hates having his coat put on and god forbid we try put a hat on him! He also hates being washed and dressed etc screams most of the way through it (have to give him his hairbrush or something to hold which distracts him slightly from the job in hand).

When we want to eat lunch out its as tho he waits for our dinner to arrive then kicks off wanting to get out of his pram - needless to say one of us eats our lunch one handed whilst we have ds on our knee! We have just come to accept that thats what will probably happen and are always prepared for it now and in fact chuckle about it as thats his thing.

I think as they get older they become harder as they become rather fidgety wantin to sit when they cant therefore getting frustrated and whinging as a result. Our ds is only just rolling but is desperately tryin to sit up. Our ds like i say was always a whinge bag and in fact still us. Have u tried some white noise like your hairdryer or hoover to settle his whinges. Our ds finds it soothing and just lies there listening to it. so we bought a cd of white noise for him.

Is he teething by any chance?

oh and with regards to the sex i have gone off it too!! god knows why

Hi again

Good to hear some things have improved. Sleep being more sorted can massively help - though the little darlings have a habit of changing up on you just as you've got used to one thing don't they?!

I hope you don't mind me saying, but it sounds like you've maybe got a bit of low mood? Would you feel comfortable going to your hv or gp about it? Or just talking to someone in RL might help? Feel free to pm me if you want to let off steam - and don't worry about expectations re replying etc.

Also, maybe try to think about things as in its not that you can't be bothered, but that you haven't got the capacity for that right now...I find it helpful and removes some of the beating self up part.

Gonna have to rush as need to see to ds, but big hug and remember you're not alone in your feelings - it's amazing how others feel similarly when you open up.

You are def not alone. Please take comfort in that.

Feel free to pm me too. I would be more than happy to be there for u too for a friendly chat or to get it off your chest!

Thanks for the replies and ideas.

I'm sure it is depression in some ways but I'm on the waiting list at the gp for counselling and no idea when that will come through. I have problems taking antidepressants because they interact with other long term health problems I have.

Part of me does wonder if I'm just a miserable old git as well. If I could pack the kids off for two weeks I'm sure I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

I am just so angry and full of resentment. I find it so hard this time round. When dd was little I had my mum to help, I'd be able to have a lie in, go out, have a break. With ds I can't do any of that (mum and I have fallen out, she has major health problems and now lives apart from me).. yes I know lots of others manage. So I am going to have to suck it up.

I am still not really speaking to dh. We spent the weekend at home, he played with dd a lot. I just feel really angry with him and I'm not even sure why. Just everything.
I am avoiding touching him or having sex or anything. I can't even look at him because he is so hurt and disappointed and I can see it in his face. We never used to be like this. We used to go out, have fun, all the usual couple things. Now we have no one to look after the children and I wouldn't feel comfortable hiring a sitter so we just stay in. And I just feel resentful.

I am sure he is getting very depressed too.

Really not feeling better about things at all. And posting here just to offload really.

I just have to keep going.

Hi again Fairylea,

So pleased you've got on well with the book - it was my lifesaver - you've done so well, but is there anyway you can change 6-6 to 7-7? That extra hour in the morning will make a huge difference to how you feel.

From reading your posts the first thing I notice is you don't seem to get any respite. Is this correct? You're with the children all day and night and that is enough to send anyone over the age. When I went through a phase of being in all the time and with ds I became almost 'hermit like'. We would go out in the day (as I felt guilty for keeping him in) but I couldn't wait to get home as I was feeling so shit. I was eating loads, constantly online and feeling so depressed and down with my life. I also felt anxious he was picking up on my unhappiness.

It is a pain in the ass but when I did move, stop eating rubbish and push for 'me time' things did change. I hate the gym with a passion but started walking for 30mins at night as soon as dh got in. Sometimes it would be as late as 10pm but I needed that 30mins to clear my head and get some fresh air into my lungs.

I strongly urge you to incorporate some me time, when husband gets in go out straight away (alone to the cinema), meet a friend, whatever floats your boat. Drive around, just go out - it makes such a difference.

Others do manage yes, but others use help that is available. Even a childminder for one morning a week, a creche at the gym, research what's available where you live. Your mental health and happiness is priceless imo...

Do you have any friends that would sit for you for a couple of hours in the evening (any parents of your dd's friends?)

I'd call the doctors and push for an earlier appointment - say it's vital. Also, look at other methods - exercise, herbal remedies <disclaimer I am not qualified or have any knowledge of these> and go from there.

Things will change but you need to take the steps to change how you feel every day. <Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've realised we have to take the steps first to change our lives if we're not happy, no one else>

Keep posting!

Thank you. You're right I don't get any respite. But the difficulty is that dh works until 10 at the moment. By the time he gets in it is half ten and I go to bed at 9. We are literally like ships in the night. When he does have a day off (which is never two days in a row) the last thing he needs is to get up at 5/6 with ds after getting home at 11pm or me leaving him for hours to go out. Otherwise he doesn't get a rest either. I think we're both feeling really stressed at the moment. He does however have a week booked off for march so I have said to him that I'm going to go out for the day on my own. He was fine with that. Part of me wonders though if I'm just going to set myself up for a more difficult day the next day though as I'm not sure dh knows the routine I have got into with ds or whether he will stick toIt ...and I don't want him to feel I'm telling him what to do.

Part of our arguments are that he feels like even when he does do things for ds he feels like I'm hovering about, waiting to correct him. I really try not to interfere. I even take myself out of the room. I think it's just because I do it all day every day. It's difficult.

I'm not too worried about getting ds to sleep till 7 because at the moment 6-6 works well with being able to cook dinner in peace after he's in bed etc. Will see how it goes!

I just don't know how to reconnect with dh. I don't have the energy to stay up late or wait for him to come home.

I'm literally falling asleep on the sofa by half nine. Occasionaly I have made the effort to stay up to see him but then I feel awful.the next day.

I keep wondering how everything can go down the pan so much in 7 months.

There are no creches near where we live. I did look but the nearest one is an hours drive away, much too far. I need to go to see another nursery, maybe I could put ds in there one day a week ... if we could afford it. I doubt it. I don't know.

I'm scared as well. I'm scared I'm not very well or that I'll be seriously ill and there's no one apart from dh to look after the children. I'm scared of what will happen to them if I'm not here and dh needs to work. Irrational as there's no reason to even worry but I do.

I don't cope with the anxieties of being a parent.

How are you feeling fairy?