Co-sleeping with a 5 year old

(36 Posts)
Mypopcornface Sat 06-Oct-12 22:56:52

We are a family of 3 and DD is 5.5. We co-sleep since she was born, it wasn't in our plans but we hae had reasons for this. She has her own bedroom and bed but insists in sleeping with us. We tried to make her sleeping all by herself few moths ag and after few days ashe started complaining about dreams and other stuff she has being 'seeing' in her bedroom, so came back to our bed.
My inlaws constantly asks her and us when she will sleep in her own bed, they put pressure and make us feel uncomfortable to the point dh tried to make dd sleep in her own bed to please them I think. Inlwas do this because when they have DD nce or twice a year DD want to sleep with them.
I don't tell many people about this, but few friends know it and one in particular suggested the other day that DD doesn't want to be in her bed because she 'senses' something wrong in mine and dh's relationship and because we argue sometimes....

Now, this really hurt me because even though our relationship is not perfect and we do argue, we are a normal couple with ups and downs and I am sure my friend's relationship is not perfect either...she just doesn't want to show people her life has flows, being so perfeccionist (I noticed few years ago she needs to see people doing badly in order to feel better) whereas I am much more open and naiveconfide in friends when maybe I should't have.
Also, this said friend has 3 children, one under 1 whi requires feed during the night and two others who are 3 and 5 who constantly take in turns to wake up crying during the night and she spends the night going to one bed to another settling them and sleeping with them in turns whereas her Dh sleeps alone in their bed alsp complaining she doesn't spend time there so she literally hops from one bed to another through the night...so I think her comment was inapropruate and hurtful because if I left my bed to slepp with my DD she would be fine too...

If you came this far...I just would like o know if people out here do/did co-sleep and how to make the transition to not co-sleep anymore?? Altough we all enjoy it and know DD won't sleep with us by the time she is 15, she getting big and the bed wont get any bigger...and she does move a lot.

Mypopcornface Sat 06-Oct-12 23:51:40

I gess no ones co-sleep at MN's world...

kitbit Sun 07-Oct-12 00:13:00

We started by bringing ds' bed into our room. Long story, but we gad several false starts due to major life changes. Don't do it just to please someone else, but it will help your dd if she can sleepby herself, for babysitting, sleepovers etc.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Sun 07-Oct-12 00:24:53

My dd co slept up until just before she started school. I had failed many times prior, I began by letting her fall asleep in my bed and then lifting her into her own, she knew this was going to happen. More often than none she did not wake up. I then made the rule if she returned to my bed any time through out the night I would let her get in. Then after a week I made her go off to sleep in her own bed. I would read a story and then tell her if she did not make a fuss I would be up to give her a kiss in 2 mins, then 5 mins then 10 and so on. If she made a fuss I wouldn't go in until she was quiet in her bed. This worked well and I stuck to it. It took another week or so and she went to bed perfectly. A couple of years down the line and she is perfect going to bed and has a really good routine, she stills see you in 5 mins, now I just make sure I check on her. I am not now and never have been strict about her getting in in the middle of the night.

I think your friend was a bit out of order in what she said tbh. And don't feel pressure from others, do this because it is right for your dd and no one else.

Good luck it seems like a very big deal but if handled well and calmly it can be a smooth transition, it is when emotions are high it can become stressful, be firm fair and consistent and it will go well if you try as I suggest.

Debs75 Sun 07-Oct-12 00:25:35

I am co-sleeping with dd2, 4 years. She has to share our room anyway, with dd3 so her bed is butted up to ours. For about 6 months now she has refused to sleep in hers. This coupled with the fact she is a nightmare to get off to sleep means she sleeps in with me, dd3 is inher cot and dp is on the sofa.
It might not suit some but we all get a decent nights sleep and we are all happy. With ny elder two I did the wandering around popping into their rooms to settle them. With the younger 2 i think I decided I was too old to mess around so brought them into our bed.

We have plans to move dd2 into her own room if we ever move house and get an extra bedroom. She will share with dd3 so won't be all alone. When that move comes is anyones guess. We have been on the housing list since 2010 and are nowhere near. If it hasn't happened by January then me and dp may move into the dining/play/junk room and leave the dd's in our room.

Aside from that I realsied dd was getting upset talking about her bed so I told her she could sleep with me as long as she wants. She is happier now and bedtimes are getting shorter.

I also have loads of family/friends saying they couldn't do it but a lot of them tend to have troubles in the night and a lot of broken sleep so I am playing it by dd and just not listening to them anymore

Mypopcornface Sun 07-Oct-12 00:29:59

thanks for replying kitbit. May I ask hw old were your on when he started sleeping by himself? Unfortunetely our dd's bed will not fit in our bedroom but maybe a smaller mattress on the floor will and I will see if we can give it a try.
We don't ever use babysitters nor do sleepovers, it is just grandparents complaining when they have her twice a year maimum, so I don't care about their opinion tbh, but it is getting slightely unconfortable for the 3 of us in our bed now.

crackcrackcrak Sun 07-Oct-12 00:31:19

Even if you moved dd into a bed on her own tonight it won't see your friends problems with her doc! She is projecting her issues in to you.

Do what is best for your family -as you say, she will grow out of it

Mypopcornface Sun 07-Oct-12 00:49:04

Thanks for all the answers so far.
I have never had an issue with co-sleeping and neer posted about it, I think it was about my friend's coment I really wanted to rant about...
Oh but I don't learn.
She is nice and I really like her but she always manages to make a comment or two that will make me kind of sad/hurt/uncomfortable in her presence...
I used to think it was all innocent but after so many years I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I had reduced the time we spend together, now tried to get closer again and it is the same thing all over.

It is no good

I co-sleep with dd1 who is 4.8. She has her own room but has never slept in it. She wants to sleep with me. It's not an issue, it makes her happy so sod what anyone else thinks. Her baby sister is also in with us at the moment and I daresay she'll end up being a permanent fixture too.

I think as long as they have their own space and it's their choice to co-sleep then there's no harm.

If you are happy to cosleep then dont think on it for another minute. If, however, you want DD to sleep in her own bed then do it. You are the parent. Start being firm on it - you say she insists: would you allow a five year old to do everything they insist on?

But I refer you back to my first point should you actually qant her to cosleep

Mypopcornface Sun 07-Oct-12 01:46:32

She insists, because she has her own bedroon/bed, lovely bed covers and all buthas no interest n sleeping there. I/we do like sleeping with her,bu as it is getting more uncomfortable, she will have to go to her own bed at some point.

NatzCNL Sun 07-Oct-12 22:33:20

DD1 co-slept with us a lot, and we enjoyed it (maybe me more than DH). She continued to co-sleep throughout the pregnancy with DD2. That was not comfortable, but she was at an age where it was eaier to have her in with us. Once DD2 was born we tried to get her to sleep in her bed some nights a week so that mummy could feed little sis without disturbing big sis. This went ok until I stopped breast feeding and DD1 became a more regular visitor to our bed again. When she was about 3 and DD2 was 2 I would let them fall asleep in our bed than move them to their own beds. I told them before they went to sleep that this would happen.
DD2 decided she preferred her own bed anyway and only co-slept once in a blue moon, and if she did fall asleep in our bed she would wander back to her own bed in the middle of the night if she woke up!
DD1 still loves cuddling up with us, but she got used to the bed change quite quickly with us moving her once she was asleep. After a little while I would say she could come for a cuddle but then had to go to her own bed once she felt sleepy (I would go with her to read a book if she wasn't too keen on the idea)
By the time DD3 arrived when she was nearly 5ys old, she only ever slept in our bed if she was ill or had a nightmare. Stil the same a year on.
I do miss bedtime cuddles with her, but she is still cuddly any time of the day. DD3 hates our bed! Will not settle unless she's in her cot. DD2 still sneaks in before sunrise for early morning cuddles, and I love it.
I dont think there is anything wrong with co-sleeping. So long as you and your DH are happy with the arrangement.
If you want DD to start sleeping in her own room, you could introduce her bed time buddy (DD2 now has 4, and they take turns sleeping up on the pillow with her) this really was helpful when DD1 wasn't keen on staying in her own bed, we gave her a special 'baby' doll to look after and cuddle with to make sure the baby felt safe and warm. I dont think your DD is too old for this. DD1 is 6 now and has a bed time buddy in her bed still.

YouBrokeMySmoulder Sun 07-Oct-12 22:38:15

I think you can do whatever you like and are happy with, I don't see anything wrong with cosleeping.

However I do think that you should expect relatives to do it themselves, in fact I wouldn't want that so if she can't sleep in her own bed there then she shouldn't go. If this would upset her then she's old enough to understand that she needs to sleep in her own bed when at their house don't you think?

mustbetimetochange Sun 07-Oct-12 22:43:17

I am a co-sleeper, but I do think 5.5 is getting a bit old for it, tbh, for the uncomfortable reasons if nothing else, can you not lay in her bed til she nods off for now??

But only if its what you want.

YouBrokeMySmoulder Sun 07-Oct-12 22:44:27

Tsk shouldn't expect relatives to do it.

forgottenpassword Sun 07-Oct-12 22:55:31

I co-sleep with my 3 DS aged 5, 3 and 1 (I do have a big bed). Sounds crazy to others but the 4 of us are as happy as can be. Dh is happy too as no-one bothers him at night and he needs his sleep. If your child is happy and so are you then carry on. The time to stop will come and you will know it when you get there. As you say, it won't last forever.

Mypopcornface Mon 08-Oct-12 09:32:55

I don't expect anyone to co-sleep with her, I don't ask them for favours and never used a babysitter. They asked her to go spend weekends with them (whitout us) twice a year maximumn so I let her. They know and always knew she co-sleep since day 1, so I don't think they should complain and give as pressure for the sake of 2 nights a year. Also they criticize us and our daughter for doing it in our own house and bed. Funilly enough when my daughter was a baby they never wanted to have her overnight only once she was potty trained and could speak clearly.

Mypopcornface Mon 08-Oct-12 09:35:21

Also I know it is easy for her to fall asleep in her own bed, problem is keepinh her there, she will wake up and come in with us which is more comfortable than one of us going on her bed with her.

Mypopcornface Mon 08-Oct-12 09:37:47

As for my friend: next time she comments on how tired she is hoping from one bed to another I will say: 'maybe your children sense you are unhappy being a SAHM and resent your husband having a good career/social life while you are stack in the house with 3 children.

Mypopcornface Mon 08-Oct-12 09:39:28

Anyway I will buy one of those glow in the dark kind of toys to see if it helps. She saw one at friends house the other day and liked it.

Bumdrop Mon 08-Oct-12 19:07:30

Popcorn,
We have a dd aged 5 ane she has her own room and bed, BUT
Is welcome to come into our bed any night when she wakes up, which she does most nights. She wakes up, climbs in with us, goes straight back to sleep.
I wake up in the morning and there she is !
I like it ! She wont always want to come in for cuddles so we enjoy it whilst it lasts,
Your mate is talking out of her ass, and it sounds like u are getting a better night sleep than she is, sour grapes maybe ??

Sabriel Mon 08-Oct-12 20:48:47

My DD is 5 1/2 and has co-slept with us since birth. She has her own room and her own bed but prefers to be with me.

When she stays at grandma's, she has her own room and bed and goes in there quite happily. Grandma disapproves of co-sleeping and made a point the first time DD stayed over that she was to stay in her own bed. She doesn't have any trouble recognising that mummy and grandma do things differently.

She rarely wakes in the night. Sometimes she'll sit up and I'll say "lay down" and she'll snuggle back in. It works for us, even though other people disapprove. If you want to carry on as you are don't take any notice of anyone else.

mosciva Thu 11-Oct-12 14:16:41

My DD is 5 too and has been sleeping with us since she was about 1.5. It started as she used to wake up in the night and scream which would wake DS up (DS is a really light sleeper and has never needed tons of sleep so if he was woken up at 3am say, he´d get up for the rest of the day) so as soon as she woke up I would leap out of bed, pick her up and put her into our bed. We thought she´d grow out of it but she´s still doing it. Now she just puts herself into the middle of us and half the time I dont realise she´s there til I wake up when the alarm´s gone off! My inlaws are really proud (and I really cant understand why) that their kids never, ever slept in their bed and they think we are wrong to let her sleep in with us. I take the view that she wont be doing it when she´s 15, we are all getting a decent nights sleep and in the morning we get to have a lovely snuggle with her (and DS as he usually turns up once the alarm has gone off) together before the school scramble etc begins.

RosemaryandThyme Thu 11-Oct-12 14:21:18

I think to be upset by one person's comments could indicate your not totally happy with the situation yourself.

This may not be applicable at all but, is there a chance that maybe you miss your girl in the daytime, are busy and just feel that it's a way of spending time together ? If so maybe look to set aside her and you time when she's awake.

maebyfunke Thu 11-Oct-12 14:22:21

My DS is 4 and still sleeps with us. He falls asleep in my bed, we put him in the matress by our bed and he generally climbs back in in the night but not always.

He does have his own room but wants to sleep with me and his Dad. He finds it comforting, I'm sure he will grow out of it one day....

marbleslost Thu 11-Oct-12 17:37:49

he he. mine is 7 and hasn't grown out of it yet.

We have tried, spent three weeks recently repeatedly putting her back into her own bed all through the night. After three weeks of it we couldn't function any more we were so exhausted. So we've given up again.

I don't mind too much, I think it bothers dh more as he's usually the one pinned to the edge of the bed who ends up decamping to her bed. But yes, relatives think it's shocking.

I think it's going to come to a head when she starts wanting to go on sleepovers because I don't feel I can let her go round other people's houses and wake everybody up at 2am.

DowagersHump Thu 11-Oct-12 17:42:47

I still mainly co-sleep with DS who is 5 1/5. It can't be because of rowing - I'm a single parent by choice grin

I think he likes cuddling. And yes, people think it's shocking and I used to care but I don't any more smile

Pochemuchka Thu 11-Oct-12 17:51:51

I agree with all the above. I co sleep with DD (3.5) and DS (19 m) and am pregnant with number 3. Neither of them show any signs of going into their own beds and we all love snuggling up, especially when it's cold. Both DC adore each other and love snuggling up together in the evening when I go downstairs.

The only thing worrying me is how to fit all of us into one bed!

Whoever upthread said your Friend is talking out of their arse is right. As long as you are all happy with this arrangement it's no one else's business.
If you're not happy, then it is an issue.

Mypopcornface Thu 11-Oct-12 20:45:44

I think that probably my friend is jeaulous, maybe she woud like to have her children in bed with her because she goes and sleep with them in their bed during the night. She has been picking aspects of my life to put me down now and tha for 5 years. I should be used by it now..

purplehouse Thu 11-Oct-12 20:53:09

It's no problem to cosleep, makes for a happy child usually.

If you want to stop, you need to get a child's bed and put it in your bedroom next to your bed. Such that she can hold your hand if she wants. Then bribe and reward.

If you want her in her own room and you have enough money, I would buy her a 2nd bed so that she can start off in her own room in that bed but transfer to the child bed in your room if she is scared or whatever.

I would ignore the negative comments anyway and do what suits your family.

marbleslost Thu 11-Oct-12 21:03:47

I might try that Purple. We haven't tried the extra bed in the room.

And Popcorn - the proof is in the pudding. Mine is doing really well in school, has a nice group of friends, enjoys lots of activities, is generally happy - despite the sleeping issues. Don't listen to the doubters. Do what feels right for you.

mosciva Thu 11-Oct-12 22:15:48

I totally agree with Marbleslost - if you and your family are happy then that´s all that matters. I have spent time over the years comparing my family to friends seemingly ´perfect´ kids but I realised fairly recently that no family is perfect and all you can do is your best and if you are happy sharing your bed with everyone, so be it.

TeaBrick Thu 11-Oct-12 22:24:16

Ds is 4 and co sleeps with me. I have recently started talking to him about sleeping in his own room, and he seems cautiously enthusiastic. I would miss him, but I think I would sleep better alone tbh, and he probably would too. I'm not in too much of a hurry, but within the next few months I would like to get my bedroom back.

Pochemuchka Fri 12-Oct-12 17:09:16

Mypopcorn - it sounds less like co sleeping is the issue and more like your friend who is! Does she have any good points?! smile

Polygon Fri 12-Oct-12 17:21:21

We still co sleep (dd 7 years, ds 3 years). No relationship problems - just cuddly children.
A Japanese friend told me she co-slept with her parents until she was 11. Apparently it´s normal there - I think it´s normal here too just most people in RL don´t admit it.

Mypopcornface Fri 12-Oct-12 22:02:01

Yes I defo posted in the wrong session with the wrong title. Maybe is a friendiship advice I should be looking for.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now