I think I'm feeling broody....gulp

[DontForgetToBreathe]

I've started having a strange feeling lately, especially reading some of the mumsnet Golden Rules of Parenting. I am kind of feeling broody I guess. The problem is that ds is 3.5 and I have HATED parenting. The last 3.5 years were horrendous. I probably had depression, was stuck at home isolated without much help and really had sworn to never put myself through that much crap again. DS had sleeping problems and still wakes up 3 times a night. I miss having a clean tidy home and my own space.

But I'm 35 and not getting any younger. Could this be just my biological clock giving me a jolt? Or am I really over the 'first baby' horrors and ready to have another baby? I'm imagining holding the little one already. I really don't understand my own feelings. This is so unlike me.

I can't talk about it to DH. He is always broody and ready for more kids (because he does fu** all to help!!). I need someone to help me. Shake me out of this. I really don't want another baby, but I'm consumed with the thought of another little one. Is it normal to feel this torn about having another baby? Please ... I need some advice....

[Doozle]

Oh god, I have been the same. We have one DD who is 3.5 and very similar feelings to you. I've been pretty sworn on staying as a one child family for ages.

Except in the last week or so I got really broody and starting thinking about another.

It's subsiding now and the practicalities are coming back in and all going back to "sticking with one" thoughts. But those broody feelings are a bugger aren't they?

I say give it a month or two and see how your thoughts pan out.

[DontForgetToBreathe]

Thanks for replying.

I keep googling only child families to find any excuse for me to have another LO!! I do feel guilty about ds not having any siblings, but life is great at the moment and he enjoys our undivided attention.

I'm getting more space and would like to go back to work. I have a nagging voice in my head though telling me to have another baby now. WHY?

And then I remember everything people have been saying, it's different with the second child. It's easier etc. Is it really? I think if I could have another dc readymade at the age of 3.5+ then I would say yes.

I would like ds to have a sibling. Maybe it's guilt rather than enthusiasm?

[Doozle]

Hmm, from what I see, it doesn't look easier with a second child, it looks a lot harder! But that's just me.

Know exactly where you are coming from with the sibling/guilt thing.

I do think though that a child should be wanted in its own right, rather than to provide a sibling.

But if you're having thoughts of holding a newborn, then it's not just about providing a sibling, I guess This was my dilemma last week, I was actually thinking it would be quite nice. Then DD woke in the night and I thought "no, no way!"

I do reckon it's biological - broody feelings driving us to reproduce!

Anyhow, you are not alone - I just wish it was a straightforward decision - "yes I definitely want another one" or "no I definitely don't".

[DontForgetToBreathe]

Yes I agree, I wish the decision to have another child was more straighforward. I've never been the broody type. But how do I know I'm ready for another child? Or it's just a broody feeling that will pass?

[TLESinChristmasStockings]

It is not any easier with a 2nd child!! well acyually in some ways it is i suppose.

I have ds1 who is 11 and ds2 who is 2....easy yes? wrong! no i don't have 2 in nappies, need to take them both to school etc BUT they have such different needs it can be horrendous trying to split my time between them. DS2 is my spider monkey, he is always with me. DS1 is looking for that bit of independance but still needing time with me iyswim?

And here I am 34yrs old 2 wonderful DC and desperate for another, even though I was more than happy with just DS1....until DS2 came along that is lol.

[SantaIsMyLoveSlave]

Once they get to the age where they can play properly with each other, two can be far less intense, because they don't need the same level of input from you into what they are doing and can give each other attention. But you're not likely to really reach that point until the younger DC is at least 2.5 or so.

[DontForgetToBreathe]

I've become properly delinquent with the broody feelings.

I almost brought the subject up with dh over xmas because we were having such a wonderful time as a family. It feels like such a small little family... maybe even incomplete dare I say. The fact that dh also wants more kids adds pressure. I feel like I'm robbing everyone of another family member. I feel very selfish and wonder if I'll be regretting this decision later on? Dh has never said anything like this though. It's my inner monologue. I mean have any of you actually regretted not having any more kids? It's getting further than the broodiness this time. I've written a list of pros and cons. And there are very few pros. I am so confused.

Arghhh I just wish I could switch it off. It makes no sense. Can somebody just give me a slap???!!!

[Nevergoogle]

can you slap me back though, i've been feeling broody and should know better.

[DontForgetToBreathe]

Plus I've started getting very envious of people who have started on baby 2.

Before ds I could have lived very happily without any children at all -ever. What makes you decide to have another baby?

[MamaVoo]

I would echo what Doozle says. Broody moments come but they always pass, and I think with me it is mainly nostalgia for DS rather than the desire to have another.

Until very recently there was a small part of me that wondered if I did want another baby, but then we watched some video footage of DS as a newborn and I knew absolutely that I don't want anymore. That doesn't sound very nice I know. I didn't get any warm fuzzy feeling from watching, just the awful remembrance of how hard it was and how badly I coped.

Give yourself at least a few months and if you still feel the same way then maybe speak to your DH about the possibility of another.

[DontForgetToBreathe]

OUCH! thanks nevergoogle. Just what I needed.

This seems to be the only place I can really confide. thanks for listening ladies, and some very good advice.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

I was ambivalent about having another baby, and in a way it was madness because I too had found the early bit with DS1 very hard. I was not motivated by broodiness - I'm more broody now, and I'm 100% sure that we are are stopping at 2.

But, it did not feel that we were complete as a family - I think partly because both me and DH are one of two...

I am SO very glad that I had another. Very very glad. I enjoyed his babyhood so much more. It was hard, because DS1 was right in the terrible twos and deeply resentful, but now they are 6 and 9, and very close. We are having a lot of fun. I think that it would have been easier for us, in some ways, with only DS1, as he is very self-sufficient, but I think we have so much more fun and there is so much less of an intense spotlight on him than there would have been.

Anyway, this is a ramble, but in my biased way I wanted to say :

1. Caring for a baby could be completely different second time round
   
2. The thing that jumps out from your posts is not feeling complete as a family.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

BTW, I don't want to imply that people with one child do not have fun, or are not complete. This was just my experience, and can't, of course, know what it would have been like to have chosen differently ...

[Bensmum76]

I have one DS who's 2 and have recently been feeling very broody. This could be because 5 out of the 7 from my NCT group either have had their second baby or are pregnant so am really feeling it at the moment. Prior to this though I have been so fixed on only having the one child! I often wonder if i am really broody or just seeing it all through rose tinted glasses!!!

[DontForgetToBreathe]

These are my reasons for wanting another child. It's all a bit crazy in my head right now.

1. Babies are looking quite 'cute'. The way the look at you and hold your finger and ....awww(This must be the broody feeling methinks cos that's not really how I have ever ever felt)

1. I'd be bloody good this time round. This time, I'd be stress free because I know about the nappy bags, cotton wool and cradle cap crap. I know it all so it would be easy and I'd have a stricter timetable this time. I'd be Gina Ford. (This must be the delusion?)

1. Dh is a good father, despite being at work all day. He's got a wonderful sociable personality and loves kids. We seem like a quiet type of family at the moment, but actually we are a loud busy and energetic kind, with loads of children. It would suit us, right? I can imagine playing frisbee in the park with them.... (Except that I hate screaming kids, like peace and quiet, want to go back to work, not discipline kids all day and when I go to park with ds, I hate it all. I hate the park! and it would be me stuck at home all day with 2 kids wanting a piece of me every minute.)

1. DS. He would love a sibling. (How do I really know this? He is 3 and doesn't ever say he wants a baby brother/sister.... He is ok and is very happy. When we leave friends he does not cry or want to go back... and actually tires of playing with other kids at some point). Hmmm....

1. Maybe I will regret not having another one. What if it gets too late for me and then I decide I should have had another. If I went back to work, I know I'd never get broody again.

1. DS again. Won't he feel lonely as he grows older? And so much pressure and the spotlight always on him. I've started mollycodling him. Is that even a word??? I keep hugging and kissing him, and he is starting to push me away. I'm kind of hurt. He is not a baby anymore - errr...what I''ve always wanted I know, but he is very independant now. I'm having mixed feelings about this all.

1. I've started hating the number one. (What??? Is this for real. It just reminds me I have one, and errr....feels lonely.)

I was always so fixed on having the one. And I have my diary that I've kept since ds was born, and I've clearly written messages to myself to never put myself through this. I miss being financially independant and I had a great career. I hate being a stahm and I get no help. I knew I'd forget and get foggy so I've written things down, but it's like invasion of the body snatchers. I even get turned on at the thought of getting pregnant. I hope this feeling will pass and then the world would make more sense to me again. I have not felt this confused since I was a teenager and thought I might be a lesbian!!

[DontForgetToBreathe]

By the way, thank you everyone for your advice. I guess with advice, you hear what you want to hear which is what jamieand said "I am SO very glad that I had another. Very very glad. I enjoyed his babyhood so much more. "

hmmm..... you get me thinking again. But if I found out I was pregnant now by accident, I would be horrified. Maybe that's my answer.

[Doozle]

So manys fors and against. I so understand that ambivalence you feel.

If you're still not ready to jump in and ttc right now, why not say to yourself that you're going to give yourself a break from thinking about it and have 3-4 weeks off the whole dilemma.

And revisit the ttc idea on 31st Jan?

Kind of what I did and it did help a bit.

[mrswill]

I feel exactly the same, although DD is 17 months and NEVER stops whinging, and actually doesnt like other kids. I never remember feeling broody before DD, we just had a baby as I knew I wanted children, not because of any broody feelings, am astounded people cope with this broodiness from teenage years!

You may as well have another, it'll be in school 4 years down the line anyway!

I tell myself this when mulling over having another. I then think of all the logical things - I like having money, having 7-8am all to myself, going out having a good time with friends, how i would actually cope with another when Im dying to foist my existing one off to a grandparent now. But it doesnt work, I still feel broody.

Im in no position to be doling out advice, But i think this is the sort of thing you take a leap of faith with, you either do or you dont, all the weighing up will confuse you even more!

[cheerfulvicky]

I'm feeling a bit the same. Especially after yesterday when I went into a baby shop that I hadn't visited since pregnant with DS, who is now 16 months. It really brought it all back, the excitement, the preparing, those early weeks which are mad and surreal but oddly nice despite the hellish bits. I have always wanted more than one child, my problem is waiting until the right time, and feeling scared as to how I would cope with two as I'm quite a selfish person and becoming a mum has made me realize that. I like having time to myself, and I tend to think of having a child as setting a 20 year stop watch back to zero again. If I don't have another one, then I will be 'free' sooner and could travel the world etc. Yet I know in practice this is madness, by then I probably won't want to, not all children leave home before 20, I love him so much I couldn't not see him for ages, etc etc. Then there's the bit of me that thinks, DS is still quite young, why not get all the nappies and baby stuff out of the way at once? Then you never have to do it again!

Part of this is compounded by the fact that I am actually not a baby person - I prefer toddlers and older children. The baby bit is something to be endured, before you get to the really good bit. I wouldn't exactly call it fun. So there is a temptation to reset the clock now as opposed to later.

I don't know, It's really hard. I have told myself to wait until DS is two and a half, then have a think about another, depending on the state of my relationship with DP, how DS is as a child and whats going on then. I think if I hadn't given myself a tentative date to rethink, I would be MUCH worse, really daft and broody all the time You've just got to do what's right for your and your family, every family is different and there are lots of factors. It's best not to think too hard, just to live life and enjoy it, and pause to re-evaluate every so often.