Is it ever appropriate to shout at a 15 month old?

[RemyMartin]

Just wondered as I don't think this is right really and also worry that it could be damaging. Dp tends to do it quite a lot when ds is doing something that he doesn't want him to do eg. playing with the tv remote. Quite often ds ends up crying He also does a kind of horrible stern face at him which is upsetting, more for me than ds.

Am I just being overprotective?

[MrsBadger]

yanbu

at 15m shouting doesn;t work
say calmly but firmly 'No we don;t touch the buttons' and (vitally) find something else for him to fiddle with

in a calm momemtn (ie not just after a shouting incident) mention it to DP - not in a 'You are parentign badly' way, just 'I've noticed you shouting at ds a lot, but he is so young he doesn;t understand why and gets upset. Next time ask him nicely to put the [whatever] down and hand him somethign more fun.'

I

[RemyMartin]

Thanks Mrs B

Yes that is my approach, but I think dp for some reason thinks he needs to be tough on ds. I really need to talk to him about it, you're right. I'm not a big fan of confrontation, but it's just not acceptable. He is really pissing me off!

[Niecie]

No I don't think so.

It is understandable if you do it occasionally more by accident than on purpose, like if they are going to pick up a knife or run into the road, but shouting at a 15mth old for picking up a remote or something equally trivial. No.

They don't understand if you shout at them so why frighten them for nothing? Even if they do understand they won't remember they aren't supposed to do it. It is up to your DP to move things out of the way if it bothers him so much.

I wouldn't worry too much about DS being damaged by it at such a young age - he won't remember. He is probably reacting to the loud noise when he cries. However, it won't be long until he begins to understand so I think it needs to stop now.

Does your DP generally shout a lot or just at your DS?

[BornToFolk]

If they were about to do something really dangerous, like run into the road then a shouted "No" might do the trick. But it's less likely to work if they are shouted at all the time.

I don't think that kids that young are really capable of being naughty as they're still learning what's acceptable and not. So, shouting or telling off is really not the way to do it. Do what MrsBadger says, say no firmly and distract to something you do want them to do and give lots of praise and attention.

[IrritableGrizzly]

No you are most definitely not being over protective. Your partner's responses sound completely over the top and very scary for a 15 month old baby. I'm not surprised you feel upset by it, and I think you should put your foot down with your partner and explain to him that your baby needs to be shown how to behave in the right way, not just shouted at - what the hell will that teach him?? Playing with the TV remote, for god's sake - how is a baby who was only born just over a year ago meant to be able to know what is a toy and what is 'forbidden'?

You should explain to your p that if he doesn't want your baby to touch something then it is his responsibility to keep it out of reach. I feel quite upset by this actually - I have a baby the same age, and the thought of anyone scaring him, shouting at him and making him cry makes me feel sick. Is your p a good dad in other ways?

[RemyMartin]

No it's just at ds.

I think somehow he has got this idea of how a father should be, not taking any nonsense. Yesterday he shouted at him to "stop messing about" when ds was trying to follow him into the kitchen and he didn't want him to. He seems to treat him as if he is much older than he is for some reason. Tbh he has dissapointed me as a father.

I need to sort it, thanks for your replies.

[RemyMartin]

I also think he thinks I am too soft and he is trying to balance it. My view is that my job is to make ds's life happy, and that's what I enjoy doing.

[MrsBadger]

sounds liek he is short of 'good dad behaviour' models. Maybe he is being how he remembers his dad being, obv when dp was much older (NB DO NOT SUGGEST THIS TO HIM)

maybe he needs to see some other dads behaving normally round children of the same age

[RemyMartin]

I think he knows he is in the wrong, and so do I. I need to be firm to protect ds.

Thanks for all your replies it has confirmed what I thought, I think I would actually be ashamed to talk to anyone in real life.

[MrsBadger]

NB you are not addressing this 'to protect ds' so don;t get too defensive-mother-bear

you are addressing it to improve dp's relationship with ds for both ttheir benefit

dp needs protecting from himself, iyswim

• he can;t feel nice to be shouting impotently at a baby, and obv doesn;t know what to do to stop ds 'bothering' him

[RemyMartin]

He didn' have a father figure when very young, had a step dad who was really horrible, but he came on the scene when dp was nine.

That's a good point MrsB about not getting too defensive, actually that is just what I needed really!! That is where I go wrong because I don't know how to broach the subject without upsetting dp and implying he's not a good father.

I think also he resents ds and finds him a bit boring.

[MrsBadger]

hmm

have you a surestart centre or a children's centre near you?
Ours does 'dad days' on a Saturday morning (and other times too I think) with the soft play / messy play etc stuff out and coffee for dads. this kind of thing
Much less intimidating than the rooms full of mums at toddler group etc, and if ds has free rein and doesn't need to be told to stop it / put it down maybe dp will relax too?

has he friends who are dads who he could drag along?

[RemyMartin]

Yes good idea, I think he also sort of sees me as the 'boss' of ds and maybe that makes him feel powerless, so maybe he's trying to aasert himself.

He doesn't really have friend with young toddlers, their kids are much older.

I will look at my local surestart and see what they have.