Would you allow this boy to become friends with your ds again

[crazedupmom]

About 6 months ago my ds had a massive fall out with some neighbourhood friends.
My ds is 8 and the other children at the time ranged from 8 to 10.
There were two children who in particular were the instigators in what went on but it was very unpleasant and my ds who I admit can be a pain wanting his own way recieved some unfair treatment and these two children managed to get everyone else going against my ds.
The situation actually led to a fight between my ds and one of the lads in my back garden.
I know I was soft at the time and I had calmly tried to help the siutation but the lad who had the fight with my ds was extremely rude to me and kept bawling at me that the problem was myself and my son his exact words.
He obviously felt that I was siding with my ds which wasn,t the case I was merely trying to get them to see that none of them had been playing nicely that day pointless though the 10 year old ranted at me with a awful attitude and I considered going to his parents but resisted thnking it may make things worse.
Now 6 months down the line this lad doesn,t play with the same children and is now trying his best to become friends with ds again but I am not sure that I should allow it to happen for one that incident was not the first time they had fell out and I didn,t like his treatment of me and I am not sure that he and ds are right for each other. ds is a bit of a home bird but this lad is more of a confident play out kid and I fear that it will again go pear shaped.
He would now be 11 and my ds is still just 8.
Would you allow this kid to try and be friends again with your ds if it was you that was spoken to like this.
My dh doesn,t want him anywhere near our ds or house again after his cheek.
When they have played nicely they seem like great friends but after that incident they have not played however this lad is approaching us whenever he sees us and is trying to get ds to go and play with him but ds is uneasy after what happened and I don,t blame him.

[carelesswhispers]

hi crazedupmom , ok i have been in the same situation recently , my ds 10 was friends with another boy now 11 , the other boy is streetwise whereas my ds is not , the other boy is always causing fights , once he walked into our front garden & for no reason punched ds in the face i ran out to give out to him & he told me to " f##k off" & called me a " c##t" dh came out & this boy stood up to dh also, his mother did not want to know , a week later after being told to never come near the house again he apologised so we gave him another chance , the next day he tried to strangle ds , ds came in crying with red marks around his throat again i had a word with this boy & again i was called disgusting names so now dh has told him to never come near this house again & this time we are sticking to our guns , ( long rant over )
i think you should maybe try keep your ds away from this other boy as if he has no respect for you or ds then it will only be a matter of time before he starts another fight with your ds imho

[Wafflesnaffler]

Maybe am not the best judge as I haven't been in the situation but here's how it sounds to me. If all the boy said to you was "the problem is you and your son" (even if said in a an angry tone) that actually seems quite a measured and reasonable thing to say in the face of what he must've considered to be injustice. That's even a decent thing to say for an adult to say to another adult when having an argument. Unlike the kid carelesswhisper talks about who called her a c*nt and swore...now that does sound like someone who doens't deserve a second chance.

Seems to me although only 8 he is old to be learning how to deal with friendships and their difficulties. I think you should only step in if you're concerned about his safety (as opposed to his falling out with friends).

You said the other boy isn't with the same naughty kids any more and wants your son's friendship back. Sounds reasonable to me. It's just a matter of what your son wants (without sensing what YOU want). If your son wants his friend back but you don't "allow" it, I think he's old enough to resent that. If it's just that they fell out - isn't that very normal part of friendships (not just children's friendships!). And if even you with your extra wisdom are not sure if he and DS and right for each other, what chance does DS have of learning which kinds of friends are right for him, if you censor the firendhsip before even you have learned the answer? If he's a confident kid he might help your son be more confident. That could be a good thing.

It may well all go pear shaped again - it probably will, that's how kids friendships work! But that's how we learn to deal with people isn't it?

[applepudding]

I think the answer is in the fact that you have said that your DS is uneasy about this boy.

If it was your DS coming to you and saying please could he go and play with the other child, then yes, this is something you probably should be seriously considering. However as it is the other child asking and your son does not seem keen then I would certainly not push your son into this friendhip.

[morocco]

whatdoes your ds think? if he's uneasy, sounds like you could talk through what happened and what kind of things a real friend does and doesn't do. the age gap would worry me - why isn't he playing with kids his own age? is it because they see through him cos they're older? (of course age is not always important but in this situation I would be suspicious)

[logi]

I definately wouldnt let them play together.He could be a bad influence on your ds if he doesnt respect you.

[Corporalcornsilk]

No. My ds was in a 'toxic' friendship once. I was very glad when it fizzled out.

[welshdeb]

I wouln't be very happy about a 11 being friendly with my 8yo. Its too big an age gap.and unless you live in an extremely isolated spot and there are no other children around their own age I would not encourage the friendship.
If your ds doesnt want to spend time with him then I would support him and politely discourage this child if he comes round.