DD made me cry today.

[OrmIrian]

It was the Yr5 school play this morning. DD was in a leading role (well as 'leading' as any role is in primary school - ie not very!).
She had been very excited about this and very insistent that I went. Dad came with me. She was so good. And I couldn't beleive how
lovely she looked, and frighteningly grown up. Like someone else in a way. She is the kind of girl I'd have been shy of at school I think.
And what really made me tearful was that the whole time she was on stage she was looking straight at me and I know she wanted me to
notice her and be pleased with her - no-one else. I had a bit of trouble loving her when she was younger - not when she was a baby,
on the contrary, but for a few years after that when I had PND and then when DS#2 was born - he took most of our energy and attention
since then . That is all over now but I still feel so stupid and guilty that I couldn't love this lovely, clever, loving, friendly
little girl with all my heart . I can't help the feeling that she has brought herself up - DH and I were only onlookers.

There are times when I wish I had had my DC as 3 single children (and no I know that isn't possible) but it's so hard to give enough of
yourself to 3 children. And they are so bloody wonderful and deserve more than I can give them.

[Pinkjenny]

She sounds wonderful, and seems to love her mummy very much.

[flier]

That is just lovely, and it is times like this that makes us appreciate our kids all the more

[cocolepew]

You were there to watch her and you love her, that's all that matters to her.

[OrmIrian]

I hope that it's all OK but I've read things on MN about children whose parents werent' loving and the impact on them is still there today. I think I need 3 lifetimes to do justice to my 3 DC.

[doggiesayswoof]

But you ARE loving Orm. It shines out of your post, how much you love her, honestly it does. We are all only human and sometimes it is hard to have enough emotional energy - I only have 2 DC and I know what you mean.

She is SO not going to grow up thinking you don't love her.

Shit, now I'm welling up and I'm at work!

[OrmIrian]

Thanks woof

Me too. Blubbing silently into my laptop. i do love her so much now. But there were those few poisonous years when I was utterly indifferent even irritated by her. I hope she doesn't remember them

[OrmIrian]

Made much of DD when I got home from work. Told her she was brilliant! She's a bit sad because one of her favourite teachers is leaving.

[baskingseals]

I have a lot of guilt about my DD - she's 7, and I am in awe of her. We had quite a rocky start, and I can't seem to forgive myself for those early years. My sister keeps telling me that it takes alot to fuck your kids up, and intellectually I know she's right, but my DD gets to me in a way nobody else does. I now have a 23mth old DS - my relationship with him is so straightforward. DS2 isdue in 3 weeks, and like you I feel I need 3 lifetimes.

I think though that this is something that probably upsets you, but she is totally oblivious to. You sound like a LOVELY mum, she is lucky to have you and her brothers. Look forward, not back.

[TZsdog]

Orm, you sound lovely, and perceptive, and I think if you can communicate that you were proud of your daughter today to her, and it means what you think it means to her, she'll remember it for the rest of her life. But I so identify with your worries, though I don't even have the excuse of PND. I am so amazed by my son (ps what does all the DD and DS mean? Dear Daughter?) who's 3 and a half, but also so bored by the logistics of looking after him and his little brother (1)- it's hard enough getting through a day, planning activites, where to be when etc, and I find myself tuning out from them all the time. If we meet up with people I have to (want to) chat and can't concentrate on talking and watching and smiling at him all at once. maybe I appear more able than I feel - everyone I've spoken to about it is surprised, but I just cannot seem to tap the energy needed to be there all the time, focussing on him and thinking up clever ways out of a collision course when I want him to do something he doesn't want to do. My mind just starts to drift and I can't help feeling like he's seen something in my eyes - some absence. I forget what I';m saying halfway through talking to him sometimes because my mind is on where the wipes are and what else will we need while we're out - I feel like I just look after his basic needs but it's not often we actually connect. And he hates physical affection which doesn't help - I'm never allowed to kiss him or cuddle him (although nor is anyone else). I worry that I have made him like that. It's not that bad - he will be affectionate sometimes, but I can't help feeling a distance sometimes - almost nervous of him, at times. I so hope one day I see him looking at me, desperate for approval, and am able to fully give it.

[angelene]

Oh wow, that's amazing. Made me cry too.

You sound like a wonderful mum. Your DD will be proud of you too for that, you know.

[TZsdog]

ps - I don't want him to be desperate for my approval, but I s'pose it would be nice to really feel I matter to him and I would like to give him what he needs, is what i mean

[saintdobby]

All you can ever do is keep learning and do it better now, and that goes for everyone.

That's what life's for.

[ohbabygivemeonemorechance]

You must feel so proud of her~and you obviously mean so much to her[and her to you]

the deep bond is always there,its just not always visible day to day

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Orm - she sounds lovely

I am one of 3 - I'm the eldest, have 2 younger brothers. Mum and I always had a rocky relationship, we're very similar and rub each other up the wrong way.
At the time some of it was awful and I know she has a lot of guilt, but the fact that she's let me see that and always managed to be loving has kept it together. Our relationship has been much improved for many years and we have enjoyed each other's company a lot. Since I've had DS things have gone from strength to strength and our relationship is now the best it has ever been.

The bond is clearly there between you and your daughter, cherish it and try not to let guilt over the past overshadow what you have now.

[OrmIrian]

Thankyou everyone for your kind comments . I too find my relationship with my sons more straightforward. I wonder whether her tomboyishness is an attempt to be more like them because of my reaction to them. But I suspect I am overthinking this

Onwards and upwards. saintdobby - that is very true. Can't change the past only the present. Will stop navel gazing and get on with it!