Feeling like a crap mum now there are 2 DCs - is this normal?
|
(24 Posts)
|
DS is 2.4 and DD is 11wks old. Whilst DD's feeding has settle down somewhat, I still feel like I'm stuck on the sofa half the day and that DS isn't really getting a look in.
I try to play whilst she has her naps, although I often have to resettle her, or she doesn't nap for too long, but at the moment I feel he must be bored stiff and wondering what on earth is going on.
By the time I've fed DD, winded, done nappy etc. I feel that DS needs some time. As a result, I feel that I'm not giving her any time other than the essentials either.
DS isn't his usual happy self, always manages to get a noisy toy out just as DD is going to sleep (and bless her, she is managing to sleep through a lot and I can't confiscate ALL his noisy toys!) or starts asking me to get up and play just as I'm finishing a feed, today I started losing patience, which I hate myself for and I just feel like I'm struggling so much and will never find a balance so they both get the attention they need, as well as [selfish emoticon] just a little bit of time for me too. (heaven forbid me and DH should actually have couple time at some point in the future...)
DS goes to nursery one day a week, so I've started baby massage with DD. I'm not really into toddler groups, although have found a new one I'm going to try on a Friday. I take us to the library one morning, and would love to get out for a walk every day, but DS is at the awkward age of not always wanting to get in the pram and as I usually only have a limited window inbetween DD's feeds, don't usually manage to persuade him (plus this dam heat means staying indoors at the moment anyway, and there I was feeling smug at being on mat leave across the summer
)
Please tell me it'll get easier and more enjoyable at some point. I met a mum at baby massage with 2 DCs similar age to mine, who said she struggled to get out and some days just didn't bother so it was refreshing to hear someone feeling the same. (and
to the mum of four under 6, who were all in bed asleep by 7.30
).
I constantly find I'm beating myself up for not being supermum and feel like i'm getting everything wrong - DS is now a fussy eater, on lactulose for constipation and straining very often, so can't really start potty training as he has a smidge of a poo every couple of hours and i just don't think i could manage it for him with DD needing attention.
How do you get anything done and feel like you're doing your best???
wow, thanks for all the extra replies and suggestions/support, I'm so glad I posted this on friday night now, I was worried people would think it was a daft post.
I will try all the suggestions, thanks. Only thing is DS has dropped his daytime nap more or less and will only really go off if we're out in the car, or if I take him in the pram now. I have started introducing "tickets" for things, as he kept asking for teletubby custard, so now if he asks for chocolate or custard, I say ok, we haven't got any, let's get the ticket and go and get some off the man in the shop, so he hands over his ticket as I pay for it and usually drops off, so at least I can get out that way (this of course only works if he asks for it at the right time if we've just had lunch and DD is fed and changed!)
No, not doing GF - this time I've been determined not to read any books having devoured stacks last time in search of the answers that weren't there, so I just try and go with the flow, DD feeds on demand, and I couldn't tell you what time she feeds or naps as just wanted her to find her own routine - I figured I'd just wait till we'd got the 12wk growth spurt out of the way and then see for a few days if we have a pattern, fingers crossed
. - With DS I timed every feed, start time, how long it lasted etc. and would obsess over it at the end of each day and was so stressed about what time he was supposed to nap and people who would disturb him by cooing at him or jumping over to pick him up if he flickered his eyes - he's been such a crap sleeper I probably made it worse by imposing nap times on him!
DS used to do 2 days at nursery, but I dropped it to one in the end as it's such a hassle getting him ready in time - DH takes him and he does do loads in the morning to get us ready, but DS gets upset whenever he goes (settles down after 10mins or so), especially since DD has arrived, and we just thought we'd save the money, but maybe we do need to rethink that one, even if it's just for the next couple of months.
thanks again for taking the time to reply, I do feel so much better!
Bx
beth I fully sympathise. I have ds1 3 years and ds2 14 weeks and it is really hard. All the advice on here is so positive and I will be taking a lot of it home. The worst is when everyone else looks so confident and they never let on that they may be finding a little hard. I give you credit for taking them both out by yourself - I've not had the confidence to do that yet. Ds1 is in nursery everyday - I'm a real cheat!
It does get better, honestly. Don't be too hard on yourself: use the telly to keep DS happy if it helps and wean your DD straight on to chocolate to save time (you know it makes sense).
Forget potty training until you feel ready - if you have a bit of time to spend with him don't waste it worrying about his bum.
Acknowledge that the baby is being a bit of a pain with a bit of humorous eye rolling sometimes so DS knows you understand.
Engineer a simultaneous nap if at all possible - by which I mean all 3 of you. Don't engineer it while driving (a friend of mine managed to put herself to sleep behind the wheel as well as her baby and toddler - fortunately nobody was hurt, but it stopped me from using the car to get my 2 to sleep at the same time).
Slings are good for keeping the baby happy/asleep while freeing up both hands and a bit of your head for the older child.
Take care.
bethdivine, I have 14 week old DD and 2.9 DS and I feel your pain! It just seems as if either you're neglecting one, or the other, as their needs are so different. I used to be out all day in the park or whatever with DS, now it's a quick dash fitted around her feeds, or I sit feeding her trying to call him back to me as he teeters on the edge of something dangerous! All I can say is it is getting a bit easier, just think back to week 2 or 3 and how you felt then, that's what I do.
some possible ideas:
bribe DS with little packets of raisins or a small toy to get in the pram.
My hunch, and I could be wrong, is that you're on gina ford, don't be offended if I'm wrong? I did it with DS and am more or less doing it with DD but I definitely modified our routine this time, I think ok, come what may I will get them both out to a playground. Then I will feed DD while DS runs around. this is, of course, hell. I found it really helps to meet up with other mums where they can mind one of yours for a bit while you either feed or play with your DS and the other toddlers. sounds like you're doing all the right things with the playgroup etc. Also, this sounds mean but could you send him to nursery another day? just to get a bit of rest.
Another thing I've found helped is I leave the baby with DH and take DS swimming once a week on Sunday morning, it just makes that bit of time with just me and him, which we wouldn't otherwise have.
also DS has doll and buggy and we both take our 'babies' out, just round the block to the swings or whatever.
Above all, don't beat yourself up! It is so blumming hard and a bit shocking at first..I keep trying to remember that 1) first child already had loads of love and attention and is still getting it and 2) you have given them, probably, a lifelong friend by giving them a sibling, they just have to wait for the sibling to get a bit bigger.
sounds like you are doing great, do some nice things for yourself too, you deserve some breaks!
Hi I have 2 dc's aged 2.10 and 10 mths so 2 yr age gap. I found the early days quite hard, just felt like I was on the go the whole time and even now (dd doesn't sleep too well but is getting better) if i am tired I just don't feel like going out. I tried to potty train ds and it was a disaster and just couldn't cope anymore so he has gone back to nappies for a while. It has got alot easier though and i'm sure it will get better. I sometimes look at other people at toddler group or whatever and think they are 'supermums' but I'm sure behind closed doors we all have the same worries! Oh and I gladly take any offer of help from family members so I can recharge my batteries lol
honestly beth, people in real life may not be saying it to you but I think virtually everyone I know has felt a little like you at some stage
my sister has 4 now and that 4th child has no choice but to just get on with it himself! He practically feeds himself already, sleeps wherever he is put and quite happily gurgles in anyone's arms!
Lol. That's how most days go for those of us with 2 or more little ones.
I think my 2 have somehow managed to work out the worst times to poo, plus they have decided to let one scream and when I've settled that one down that the other one would start. Oh the joys........
I actually had ridiculous expectations pre DS, which I lowered step-by-step - DD will be having petit filous rather than natural yogurt mixed with apple puree (organic of course!) and I'm sure she'll be eating choc a lot sooner than DS did, due to him having it around and she already gazes at the tv when she's in view of it (not often if I can help it just yet tho'), but I suppose I had visions of me and DS having fun in the garden whilst DD coos in her baby chair watching us, i pop over every so often to feed her...
back in the real world, I finally settle DD for her nap, DS poos, by the time I change his nappy, DD spits up, I resettle her, get the jigsaws out, finish one, DD wakes again. i will just accept that c'est la vie and i'm surviving. - and will find time over the weekend to dye my hair and hide the grey peeking through
thanks again.
Remember CBeebies is aimed at pre-school children. It is tv for them of quite a high quality as is produced in a way that they can learn from it, so don't feel guilty about that. My tv is on all day, sometimes ds1 watches it, sometimes he doesn't.
There is also nothing wrong with asking for help. Needing support or a break every now and again doesn't make you a bad parent, or not good enough.
We all struggle with little ones. If anyone says they haven't had bad stages and felt exactly how you do, they are lying! There is no such thing as a supermum.
I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I am the best mum I can be. Why? Not because ds1 eats organic foods (he doesn't), not because he's never had a fruitshoot (he loves them), not because he doesn't have mcdonalds once a week (sometimes twice actually), but because I know I am doing the best job I know how to and the best that I can. Doesn't mean it's the 'right' way or the 'best' way, but it's my best way. You can't do any more than you can do.
thanks
one bonus is that DH bought us a dishwasher a month before DD arrived
so that helps. and DH does do as much as he can with them and does a bath with DD so I can have 15m with DS. Some nights I even manage a story before bed with him - DH does DS bedtime whilst I feed DD - at least it's brought DH and DS closer.
thanks you lovely ladies!
Baby name finder
Shortcuts