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Grounded dd1, but this will inconvenience her friend's family. WWYD?

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By Fri 03-Jul-09 19:10:26 Add message | Report | Contact poster

After some horrendous behaviour from dd1 earlier today, I've told her that she is grounded.

This would have included cancelling her plan to go swimming with her friend tomorrow. But now that I think about it, this girl's Mum will have arranged her entire weekend around us. There are issues about when she sees her Dad: also, because the Mum works at the weekend, she won't have any childcare sorted out, because we would have had her dd for most of the afternoon.

It's going to be a hell of an inconvenience for them if we cancel. Especially as I've been trying to contact the Mum all day, without success, so it's going to be short notice as well. I don't want to go back on disciplining dd1, but also don't want to disappoint the friend or create a logistical nightmare for her Mum. WWYD?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:42:45

I would give her some extra, horrid but not too many, chores before she can go.

You sound like you get it right, tbh.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:39:32

On the rare occasion that we have grounded any of our children it has been when they have been out and not come home on time/not contacted us to discuss new time home. So we have said that if we can't trust them to stay safe then they have to stay in.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:33:13

Thanks Trefusis.

My dds are 14 and 12 and I have never used it. We tend to just use time-out followed by an apology if they are pains. Very, very occasionally, we have taken away their CD player for a few hours, or banned TV time.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:19:02

Kelix - dd1 is still (just about) 10. Usually she's quite well-behaved, but having to miss out her Saturday/Sunday time playing on the computer generally pulls her up when she isn't.

Mostly I try to make it fit the crime: e.g. the last time she got seriously high-handed, I made her clean the inside of the car (to make her appreciate the transport she gets to and from her various activities, as this had been what the rudeness was about).

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:11:37

I was grounded a lot in my teens and before and it works! Nothing worse than not being able to go out with friends and it makes you think twice before you misbehave in the future.

I thought that grounding was a pretty run of the mill punishment? What other punishments are used.

OP - I think you did the right thing BTW

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:08:45

Fair question, janeite smile

. It's the first time I've used it, and probably the only occasion for a long time. Usually the sanction is loss of computer time.

Partly it's because the behaviour concerned really was teenager-like attitude so it seemed appropriate, somehow! But mainly it was because it's the start of the holidays, with several potential outings over the next day or two. I didn't feel that anything else would have any impact if she was also being taxied around all the time to play with friends - e.g. no point in banning the computer if she won't be in all day anyway.

So no, it isn't customary for the age group - just circumstances in this case.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 18:59:42

This is interesting. I am surprised to hear of grounding being used as a punishment for a pre-teen tbh. Is it quite common then? Not sure I quite approve tbh but am open to hearing why people choose to use it.

Not wanting to judge or argue - just interested.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 18:55:17

Thanks for advice - we went swimming with her friend today as planned. She was reasonably contrite on the surface, but quietly smug on the inside, I suspect.

At least I've got somewhere to go with the serious sanctions when she's older... although my main plan for the teenage years is still to adopt my mother's approach, and use embarrassment as a means of discipline wink

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 19:56:58

Sounds as though you are being plenty harsh enough even without cancelling the swim wink

As you say, keep the heavy artillery in hand for when it might really be needed

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 19:36:08

It was persistent rudeness and backchat rather than one heinous misdeed. Am nearly mean enough to make her spectate, and have the friend go swimming with dd2 instead grin

but, again, that would also be pretty tough on the other girl.

A compensatory extra day is a good idea, although I'm very bad at punishments in general and lose track if it gets too complicated blush

.

Certainly, if we do it, I will make her pay for the tickets with her own money instead of treating her. She's also missing out on Ice Age 3 on Sunday (that was going to be just us, so I'll use her ticket on a friend for dd2 instead). That should probably be enough, especially as she is still a trainee teenager and I need to save up the really nasty groundings for when she's 15.

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Grounded dd1, but this will inconvenience her friend's family. WWYD?