Any one else have a High Need Baby?

[Brewster]

www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp

Does any of this ring a bell with anyone else?

My 11 month old shows pretty much all of these signs and there are days I just cant cope.

If he is not being constantly amused in some way he just whines and moans. If he isnt fed exactly on time or when he wants then it is nightmare to feed him....often very hard to feed him anyway as it is hard to get hji to sit still as he is always off exploring things.

etc etc - - i could go on and on...

Just wondered if anyone else has experience of this with their kiddies and if they have any advice....will he calm down?

Thanks

[thisisyesterday]

yep, i had a super high needs baby in ds2.

at 20 months he is still high needs and wants lots of entertaining, but he is the lovliewst most chilled, laid-back little boy ever. he's a real joy.

[Brewster]

Sorry to query but how can he be chilld and laid back if he is high needs?
I cant imagine every using those phrases about my little guy....

would love him to just chill and sit still for a minute - you know

[thisisyesterday]

well, admittedly he is not as needy as he was as a baby, but I mean he still does need a fair bit of input- things to do, new things to play with, stuff to keep him going
he is very busy, super-fast at everything he does (like running away from me), likes lots of cuddles, still wakes a lot at night, still needs ME a lot rather than anyone else-a lot of the stuff from the link .

But, when those needs are met- ie, we're at home, i am there, he has snacks and toys etc tjen he is a relly happy little boy. he is chilled in that when he has what he needs he can just relax and get on with being him. he's super-cheerful now, which came as a surprise because he was a truly miserable baby

[thisisyesterday]

he also takes everything very much in his stride.
meeting new people and going to new places, that kind of stuff.

and even my mum now admits that it's probably because he knows I am always there for him (turns out I wasn';t making a rod for my own back after all!)

[Brewster]

Ahh so there is hope??

Some days I just want to run away I find it so hard.
The moaning makes me feel so inadequate you know..

he has so many toys, we go to so many activities etc etc.
Thankfully he does sleep all night but lately has been waking at 6 am which is no fun.
Only 1 nap a day then we are go go go all day.
plus I have 2 dogs to look after,plus all the house work, plus the admin for my husbands company.... too much some days.

x

[Brewster]

what do you mean you werent there for him? like physically, emotionally?

sometimes I find it hard to keep giving an dgiving an dgiving and then he still whines....

how can i handle it better..

[thisisyesterday]

definitely hope.
ds2 is getting easier as he gets older, and I think too that we're learning that it's easier if we go with what we know he likes rather than trying to force him to change iyswim?
like, instead of trying to sleep train him i figured it's easier to go with the night wakings but get to bed earlier myself.
and instead of shutting him out of the kitchen while i make dinner (and he screams at the gate) I now let him in and give him pans and some pasta/rice to play with, or let him stand up on a chair and watch.

but yes, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.
ds2 is a middle child, so i guess it's a sure-fire way to make sure he never gets squeezed out lol

[CurryMaid]

Brewster you could be me - my DD is 10.5 months and I've been whingeing posting on here for ages about how to entertain her.

I've also got a dog to take care of too and do worry that she suffers because DD is so high maintenance.

[Brewster]

I think also cos Jake is our first and totally not what we were expectinga nd totally different from everyone elses babies we know and have ever met it is all very hard to come to terms with and cope with.
I am quite an anxious individual anyway and this is all causing PND.

It is good to know he may calm down as he gets older.

He gets bored sooo easily.
The food thing is very very stresful for me too..

[Brewster]

Yes the pups do miss out a bit cos all the time is givento the baby.
I have to walk the pups in the evening after he has gone to bed now as he wont stop whining and crying on dog walks. but then that means I am not home from the park till about 8 then I have to make dinner, tidy up, get ready for tomorrow etc... very long day.

I just hope ewhen he starts walking properly he wil be happier as he will be much more independant... few weeks to go yet so I have my fingers crossed.

[thisisyesterday]

i am finding it all a lot easier nwo the weather is nice.
ds2 LOVES being outside, so we spend a lot of time in the garden.
he enjoys just pottering about with sand and water and a watering can and doing some digging in the veg patch, stuff like that

[CurryMaid]

It sucks doesn't it?

I posted a lot as my DD doesn't really move and I thought that might help but she's rolling around a lot now and still whiny.

There are some good suggestions from MNetters on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=_chat&threadid=765757-10-months-old-doesn-39-t-crawl-or-even-lie#156498 60

and another I posted under a previous name with good suggestions too:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=_chat&threadid=750911-Please-help-me-keep-my-sanity-CONSTANTLY-whingein g-9-month#15348544

I have to say DD has got slightly easier over the last couple of weeks, so I did wonder if it was some weird form of separation anxiety or something.

I'm sorry you feel so down about it, I do know exactly how you feel. Make sure you keep coming on here to vent, I found it helped a lot!

[Brewster]

yes ...once Jake is off his hands then in the garden we will go for longer but what we having dogs peeing out there etc I dont like to let him on the grass. i put down sheets and towels but of course he ha sto go crawling off into the undergrowth and off the sheets so....

i am prayingonce the walking is properly established things will get easier.

he can go about a meter or so at the moment so I figure a weeks more and he will be more stable...

[Brewster]

I have now got a childminder once a week - we start this wednesday.
can you do that?
usually about £4.50 and hour or so....even if just 2 or 3 hours once a week it would give you a break and give you something to look forward to CurryMaid.

It is tough isnt it.....

do you ahve family close by?

[CurryMaid]

We don't have family nearby Brewster so it really is all down to us. I am going back to work in 9 weeks and DD will be with a childminder for 15 hours a week so not too bothered now about having anyone else look after her.

I think your DS sounds slightly harder though than DD as DD has always been very happy in the pushchair, so I just went out and about as much as I possibly could when she was very bad. It was very tiring but it did give me a break from all her whining.

Currently trying to encourage her mobility so spending a lot more time at home so we can work on that. Sigh. I was told babies develop by themselves but we saw a physio who says we need to spend a lot of extra time on tummy time and standing as DD hated both those things and screamed when she did them. She now has v undeveloped arm muscles and not a lot of upper body strength plus hypermobile hips.

It's gutting sometimes to watch my friends babys be happy and develop on their own and to feel like I'm always the one having to give whatever extra it is that she needs.

But she's my DD and I'd do anything I can for her and I honestly wouldn't change her for the world.

[Brewster]

yes it seems we have differing kinds of high needs but both so very tiring and you jsut have to give give give.

My family live abroad and my husbands over and hour away and his mum works o no help except at weekend.... long week all alone.

I was coping ok but recently not so much....going to start therapy to get through it!

Does your little one need more physio? would that help?
what do the Dr's say?
can you afford to go private and get some advice?

[PortAndLemon]

DS was a textbook Dr Sears high need baby. He became a lot happier and easier once he could walk and talk and was less frustrated, although he's still (at 4.5) very full-on and intense.

[CurryMaid]

Fingers crossed that it will get easier for you soon, the weeks are a long old slog I know. Do you have many friends with babies? I do find DD is better in a group situation so sometimes meet a friend and her DS in town for coffee or we all meet up in a group and those days are easier - specially if we all feed them tea together because it kills that horrible bit of the day where you are jsut waiting for DH to get home!

We're seeing a private physio because I couldn't face the wait for an NHS one. She's got another appt in a couple of weeks but does seem to be progressing. REally not that interested in moving though - she would prefer to just whine at me!

[Brewster]

Portandlemon - yes he seems frustrated alot of the time.

like i said he is not quite 11 months old (thsi week he wil be) and he is startng to wlak so by his birthday I am hoping things wil be much better and he will be less frustated.

when he si walking about between me and the furniture or Daddy he seems so much happier and oh so very chuffed with himself - ehhehe!!
that is when i feel i canreally enjoy him....

i feel so gulity alot of the time cos i cant stop the whining and i cant think of any more I can dofor him and I cant keep giving an dgiving to everyone and everything expect mmyself ..... i guess that is why i have PND nnow....

[Brewster]

so gald you are seeig a private physio... so much better.
good luck.

sometimes he is better with others sometimes not.

i make sure we get out of the house and do something at least once a day.
he needs new rooms and things to see ALL the time.
sometimes we will be in others houses or play centres and he will jsut moan there too!! theni cant enjoy being out.. but i guess it is better than sitting t home alone with the moanings!!

i feel i cant go to coffe shops with him anymore or places like that cos he cant crawl all over a busy public place floor!!

[CurryMaid]

He sounds very similar to my DD brewster - she does the moaning at other people's houses too sometimes and it's got to the point now where I can't actually be bothered to try to entertain her so just end up ignoring her for a bit.

Awful I know.

Like I say, she has been a bit better recently, I'm not sure why - but for about two months she would start screaming as soon as I went to put her on the floor whereas now I can put her down and leave her to her own devices for maybe five minutes. I consider that progress!

[teenyweenytadpole]

Hi there. I HAD a very high need baby, she is now 7, and very delightful - intelligent, beautiful, witty, sensitive. However I remember her baby days with pain, she was very demanding from the word go, refused to breastfeed, cried a LOT, and used to make this wierd moaning noise when either over or under stimulated! Also needed a lot of attention.

I am sure your little lad will calm down eventually especially when he is old enough to learn to play by himself.

I do believe that sometimes boredom is good for kids - if you are always playing with them and always stimulating them they will never learn to be resourceful. I also think sometimes that over-stimulation i.e too many outings, visitors, toys etc can cause them to be fretful. So it's all about trying to get a balance that works for both of you.

How about providing him with a "treasure basket" of different objects such as scarves, spoons, blocks etc and then allow him to explore it for sensory stimulation - just put it down in front of him and let him explore, don't play "with" him. You can change the basket regularly for variety. Sometimes a nice bubble bath with some toys (him!) gives you the chance to sit close by and just have a few minutes peace. I must say too that I did use the "baby genius" videos and similar for some quiet time as well - DD loved them and they have nice soothing classical music in the background so quite relaxing.

I also found with my DD that I needed to do certain activities with her that I also enjoyed, just for my own sanity - I used to go to a lovely baby/toddler group, actually she pretty much hated it but it gave me the chance to have coffee and chill out with other mums.

I lived abroad when DD was born and had no family nearby. It was HARD. But it did get easier and honestly she is the loveliest child now. I think high needs often comes with high sensitivity and for DD this is true, she can be very emotional and needs lots of cuddles but also plays independently for hours and hours now - very little whinging involved!!

Good luck, remember your baby has needs but so do you. If you can get a babysitter or something occasionally I am sure that will help - I organised for someone to have DD once a week for a couple of hours so I could swim - bliss!

[ACL]

Both my children were 'high need' and coincidentally are hypermobile (Ehlers-Danlos Hypermobile Type - www.hypermobility.org) - noting Currymaid's earlier post. They are also clever (not boasting here) so needed lots of play. Someone said to me that looking after my son must be like looking after twins! If you would like me to ramble on about how hypermobility can make our little ones 'high need', do let me know.

On a positive note, it just proves they love you to bits and treasure every moment, even tho it is exhausting, as very soon (altho it does not seem like it) they are independent and you wish you could turn back the clock - so friends tell me.

[Brewster]

Thanks for all these post people.

I ahve to go now as he is up and about...

will check in later

[PortAndLemon]

That's interesting, ACL. My mother is hypermobile and I score 5 on the Beighton scale (bending over, both elbows, both little fingers). I have no idea whether DS is hypermobile, but then I had no idea there was a potential link to "high need" characteristics. So please ramble away...