Things you never thought you would hear yourself say before having children...

(107 Posts)

I was at the park on Saturday and there were two woman and their little boys playing together. One of the boys came up to his mum and I heard her say 'Don't worry darling, you can be the skunk...'grin

What did you never think you would hear yourself say?

georgiepig Mon 15-Jun-09 18:44:50

Ok then dd I'll be shrek and daddy will be donkey (of course she had to be princess fiona)!

Niddlynono Mon 15-Jun-09 18:50:23

'Get out of the washing machine darling.'

Flower3545 Mon 15-Jun-09 18:55:44

"Well why on earth did you put your finger up there then"

"For the love if God will you stop spinning my bra"

canttouchthis Mon 15-Jun-09 20:19:35

will you just try and be patient

wrinklytum Mon 15-Jun-09 20:25:07

"Take that out of your mouth,dd,you can't eat Mummy's Tampons!"(unused I hasten to add)

"Push down really hard and it WILL come in the end" (To a constipated,tearful ds!)

"Leave ds willy alone,dd" (tO DD in bath when she realised he brother had some anatomical differences to her)

"NO, you can't watch Ben 10,its 5 in the flipping morning,too early!" (Yesterday morning)

uberalice Mon 15-Jun-09 20:26:34

(I pick up the phone and dial 1471) "Hello can I speak with Father Christmas please? Oh that's a shame, could you tell him that xxx's mum called. I'll try again later. How are things going, by the way? I imagine you must both be very busy at the moment...", etc.

(I put down phone and turn to DH) Father Christmas's wife sounds really nice. I had a good chat with her.


'WHY did you just run headfirst into the door?!!!'

'Get OFF my nipple!'

tots2ten Mon 15-Jun-09 20:35:55

I have phoned Father Christmas on many times also having a very long talk about xmas cakes and puddings with Mother Christmas and how sorry i was that Father Christmas would have to miss out on mince pies as the dc's had been naughty,

'if you keep picking your nose, your brains will fall out' to ds1,

'please do not come off the potty until you put treasure in there for me' blush to dd1 when she refused to poo anywhere she was about 3 at the time.

zookeeper Mon 15-Jun-09 20:38:31

"This house is not a hotel"

"Money doesn't grow on trees"

(I am my mother!)

MissClavel Mon 15-Jun-09 20:38:58

'Don't drink the bath water!'

Wonderstuff Mon 15-Jun-09 20:42:50

'Get OFF my nipple' has become a regular shout here too along with 'no boob until bedtime' I really look forward to weaning her off them.

CMOTdibbler Mon 15-Jun-09 20:43:15

Don't put the 'e' on your willy

Wow, what an amazing poo

Acinonyx Mon 15-Jun-09 20:58:03

'You can have the chocolate lolly pop when you've done a poo in the potty. And I don't mean one of those little rabbit poops, I mean a proper big one.'

Yes, we are in potty training hell still..... and I can't believe I am bribing dd with chocolate shock

'No we don't play with parts of dead people, it's not considered nice' shock After seeing stuffed animals in a museum.

'When you have your own home I'm going to come round for dinner and push it round the plate with a sneer on MY face and see how you like THAT!!'

'Don't eat the sand'

'Don't eat the cat food'

'Don't eat the cat's tail, he doesn't like it'

'Yes, I am listening to your iPod story'

I feel I should point out that 1) and 5) refer to ds1, who at 13 has, thankfully, passed the stage that ds2 is at (i.e 2,3 and 4)


bozette Mon 15-Jun-09 21:33:04

Oh no, you've got daddy's dirty pants on your head AGAIN!

dontdillydally Mon 15-Jun-09 22:01:00

Gosh loads and loads of things

"Wow Legoland is amazing lets buy an annual pass"

"Youre right darling mummy's dont have willys"

"Look a train, a train, choo choo"

'Get your head out of the catflap'. (to DS, 11 months - he has muppet tendencies).

'What a clever girl hiding mummy's car keys, now can you be really clever and show me where they are? No? How about if I give you a magic <chocolate> button when we find them?'

TrinityRhino Mon 15-Jun-09 22:13:14

'did you really think she was going to think that throwing her baby into the strawberry plants was funny'

clemette Mon 15-Jun-09 22:16:34

'Just bloody hurry up!' blush

"Nits. Oh well..."

(as opposed to "NITS! Eurgh, yuck!")

<hi Trinity>

Yes dear you can have a brain flannel tonight if you like

edam Mon 15-Jun-09 22:28:46

Well, if you fall off there and break your leg, don't come crying to me...

TrinityRhino Mon 15-Jun-09 22:30:50

<waves to trillian>

hiya smile

Lol Clemette, I can add to that

"just get in the bloody car ! " - regular morning thing

'Ooh look, lorry!; Red car, big red car, ooh another lorry' ad infinitum - even when kids aren't in the car hmm

4andnotout Mon 15-Jun-09 22:35:33

dp- "has she poo'ed today?" (dd3 suffered from constipation as a baby)

me-"oh yes it was.....* cue long rambling detailed account of childs poo.

Oh how exciting my life has become <sob>

WhipsAndFurs Mon 15-Jun-09 22:38:37

'What did you eat for lunch today?'

(I used to hate this question when I was a kid!)

Acinonyx Mon 15-Jun-09 22:42:12

4andnotout - there is a lot of poo talk in our house:

Dh: Mummy! Come and look at this!
(Dh holds potty triumphantly)
Me: Oh wow it's MASSIVE, ENORMOUS. Well done!

'Have you got a big poo in your pants?'

(Why is it always a big poo, never a little one? You never get sharts while your child is in nappies do you? hmm)

WhipsAndFurs Mon 15-Jun-09 23:20:50

More about poo:

'ohh, that's a good poo, is it floating or has it sunk?'

Cheerfully and reassuringly: "It's okay, it's only sick/weewee/poo, we all do it sometimes, stand still while mummy cleans it up!"

TheWiltedRose Mon 15-Jun-09 23:47:16

"Yes my name is iggle piggle. Iggle piggle wiggle niggle piiiiiiggle......"


EyeballshasManBoobs Mon 15-Jun-09 23:52:58

<<holds out hand>> 'C'mon, spit it out, give it to mummy. Good girl.' <<looks at handful of chewed banana>>

'Come here till I pick that big snot out of your nose.'

'no, no, mummy hold her iPhone. Alright then but don't drop...feck'

'Pip pip onk onk'

An amazing number or poo references! It's a charmed life isn't it?

We've also had 'No darling, the dolly show don't fit on Iggle Piggle, there's no point crying about it, there's nothing I can do'

'Ooh have you lost your tickle, let's see if we can find it - ooh there it is look running under your arm, let's catch it'. hmm

TeaOneSugar Tue 16-Jun-09 10:12:05

"I'm sorry darling you have to get out of the bath once you've poo'ed in it"

theyoungvisiter Tue 16-Jun-09 10:17:08

"oo well done" (in reponse to enormous burp by baby)

"If you can squeeze out a poo [in your potty] you can have a square of chocolate" (I was not going to resort to bribery - tcha right!)

thumbwitch Tue 16-Jun-09 10:20:24

the poo discussions with DH (never thought I'd do that!)

bribing with biscuits/chocolate - that was always going to be a no-no as well

referring to myself as mummy when DS isn't there!


the reality of having children really brings you down to earth with a bump, doesn't it!grin

thumbwitch - yes but it's okay, we generally have more padded bottoms to land on grin

"why have you dropped your trousers and are wriggling your bottom at your brother?"

"Don't climb onto the windowsill"

Dlamis Tue 16-Jun-09 16:28:59

"Don't throw the rhinocerous at daddy!"

And many other poo related stuff already mentioned

supagirl Tue 16-Jun-09 19:52:23

While standing on the side of the road holding a dandelion "hello, I'm a thirsty flower and I would be soooo happy if you would do a wee on me" (ds2 had a real issue with doing a wee without a toilet when he was first toilet trained - we were on the motorway and he was desperate to go....nuff said!!!)

"We'll see" in answer to questions from DC's - my parents used to drive me mad with it and I SWORE I'd never say it to mine blush

"when you have your own house, you can make your own rules but until then you'll abide by mine"

"I am not your slave"

"If you're that bored you can go and tidy your bedroom...." a Previous poster I too am turning into my mother!!! shock sad


theyoungvisiter Tue 16-Jun-09 20:22:13

supagirl your dandelion has just made me laugh so much I nearly sicked up my dinner!

I have resorted to some pretty bizarre things to bribe/coax/force a wee or poo out of DS1, but I never thought of that... (makes mental note for DS2)

bruces Tue 16-Jun-09 23:19:16

"if you like the rules in your friends house GO LIVE THERE!" to 13 yr dd

"I hope you know how to flip burgers cos Mcdonalds is the only place you'll work" to 9 yr ds who didn't want to do reading or home work

"Do you know the cost of molton brown bath products?" to dd3 as she made a potion........a treat from my pre mum days when i had stupid money.
How much is this going to cost me in therapy in years to comegrin

rumdoodle Wed 17-Jun-09 20:47:43

I love Mumsnet for this kind of stuff, makes me feel so much better. LOL
I have felt like a midwife sometimes as DS sits on the toilet, " Just PUSH"

"Please put that duck down" although he wasn't on the toilet then

" I do have a degree you know" to DD aged 6 months after clearing up again.

Grandhighpoohba Wed 17-Jun-09 22:28:33

"Didn't you see the piano before you ran into it?"

"There's a giggle in your ear..."

"I am not the laundry maid!"

"when did you last change your underwear?"

The joys of teenage boys!

"yes we'll go outside in a minute but mummy needs to go and have a wee first" in a rather too loud voice in a supermarket.

Several times a day, when I'm in the bathroom or loo:

"In or out, but shut the door."

I've given up any idea that I might defend my right to privacy.

CrochetDiva Thu 18-Jun-09 13:56:02

"No, DS, you cannot take the Alien baby to church"

"DS, don't hit your sister on the head with her baby. It makes her cross" - said in a surprisingly calm voice!

Iklboo Thu 18-Jun-09 13:59:35

Look with your eyes not your hands!
Don't let dog eat off your plate
I don't want to see your bum/willy again thank you

Miamla Thu 18-Jun-09 14:06:10

this thread's great!

DP had the cheek to reply "we'll see" to a serious question I'd asked him! I just laughed at him and told him there was no way that was going to work with me!

ChesneyIsNotTheOneAndOnly Thu 18-Jun-09 14:07:41

'I'm on the toilet'

'Just..PUT. IT. ON.'

'stop reading'
(said to dreamy dd, when trying to get ready for school)

Walkingwiththighosaurs Thu 18-Jun-09 14:46:21

Please go and brush your teeth.....please can you go and brush your teeth.........please, please go and brush your TEETH!!

muppetsmum Thu 18-Jun-09 15:53:19

'Mind the baby's head with that pick-axe' - to 2 year old dd running towards newborn while waving pink plastic toy from gardening set which looks like a pick-axe (before anyone calls social services!)

Meemah Thu 18-Jun-09 16:08:28

'Yes dear, Father Christmas does drive a red mini'

'Don't put your sister in the bin again'

'Farmer Pickles grew these peas especially for you so JUST EAT THEM'

'Don't pull the snail out of his shell. It makes him a bit sad'

Bettymum Thu 18-Jun-09 16:13:56

Right then darling let's have lovely home cooked organic veggies chocolate cake for our tea, shall we?

From someone that swore blind that sugar would never pass her child's lips until said child was at least five grin.

MaggieBee Thu 18-Jun-09 16:15:56

Wrinkly tum, your tampon story reminded me of when my son used to be fascinated by panty liners. I was about to get into bed one night and I peel back the cover and there were about 15 panty liners stuck to the sheet. He'd made the bed really neatly afterwards though.

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 18-Jun-09 16:16:54

Ah. I see we've already done the poo related stuff.

[surplus to requirements emoticon]

<wanders off>

fleacircus Thu 18-Jun-09 16:18:48

I refer to myself in the third person, like an American rapper or an East End gangster. It's very embarrassing but I can't seem to stop.

melmog Thu 18-Jun-09 16:28:34

"stop hitting Hannah with a hammer"
"you are such a good pooer"
"where did you find that sausage?"
shall we go to the yellow park or the blue park?"

melmog Thu 18-Jun-09 16:32:44

Oh yes, and
"we don't put daffodils in the plug sockets do we"

southlundon Thu 18-Jun-09 18:24:57

Said to DH:
"Arrrrgh ds has just rolled off the sofa!"

I swore that would never happen to me blush

HobbitWife Thu 18-Jun-09 18:39:56

"Stop licking the baby!" - said to my almost-fifteen-year-old just last weekend.

"You're not going out dressed in that!" shades of my mother...

"No, it isn't made of cats." Looking at packaging in the kitchen with pre-schoolers.

"No, we are not going to dig up your hamster that died six months ago so you can play Time Team." Do I need to explain? wink

GinGirl Thu 18-Jun-09 19:55:30

I am crying with laughter...

There is nothing like a thread like this one after a bad day, it makes me realise that I am a normal mother!

MogTheForgetfulCat Thu 18-Jun-09 20:04:50

ROFL at "Don't pull the snail out of his shell. It makes him a bit sad." Priceless grin.

jojoryser Thu 18-Jun-09 21:10:46

If you eat all your chips then you can have an icecream

Miggsie Thu 18-Jun-09 21:22:11

Stop kissing the cat.

Yes, if your head is bitten off you die.

Dead people don't come back to life.

Well, yes, apart from Jesus: I was actually referring to Granny...

Take all those ice cubes out of your mouth.

The ladybird is sitting on top of the other ladybird because they want to be friends.

Why do you want to sleep in the dog bed?

gibbberish Thu 18-Jun-09 21:23:28

My answer to endless questions - 'Just Because!'

Miggsie Thu 18-Jun-09 21:24:12

Stop poking that slug.

Put those woodlice DOWN!

Put the earwig back where you found it.

Stag beetles don't eat your hair.

Take that frog back where you got it, he looks ill.

Sniggering into my white wine here while DH rolls his eyes! Especially at Meemah's gems grin

streakybacon Fri 19-Jun-09 09:33:34

At the theatre booking office:
"Can I have two tickets to see the Chuckle Brothers please?"
How did it come to this?

LaundryFairy Fri 19-Jun-09 09:41:38

"Is that pee coming through the kitchen ceiling?" (On holiday in a cottage with holes in some of the floorboards)

sharedplanet Fri 19-Jun-09 10:04:10

DS doing a poo - "I can't squeeze your hand I'm busy"

Bettymum Fri 19-Jun-09 10:14:19

Where are mummy's knees?
Yes, there are mummy's knees!
Where are your knees?
Yes, there are your knees!
How many knees do you have?
Yes, two knees!
How many knees does mummy have?


Selenatwins Fri 19-Jun-09 10:41:21

"daddy and mummy poo on the toilet, little boys poo on potties, only babies poo in nappies..."
(when establishing rules on playing round the back of the restaurant)
"you can go but don't go up the steps"...5 min later"
you can go but no steps, and don't play with the water" 5 min later
you can go but no steps, no water, and dont pick the flowers" 5 min later
you can go but no steps, no water, no flowers, and don't fight... etc etc

"dont play with the lights!!!"
"dont play with the doors!!!!"
"dont play with the remote controls"

and the one i thought id never use
"I'll tell daddy! wait til daddy gets home..."

difficultdecision Fri 19-Jun-09 14:21:46

"stop pushing the tortoise, she's not a car!" (as said DS goes 'broom broom')

"I'm not going to tell you again"
(what a bloody useless thing to say, I clearly am!)

simonec Fri 19-Jun-09 15:23:34

This has made my afternoon, as I'm stuck in thehouse with a poorly child, who's too ill to do anything, but well enough to complain about EVERYTHING!

Think the poo comments just about covers it.

Wonderstuff Sat 20-Jun-09 20:11:34

Why do I feel so proud to have made round-up?
Love the friendly ladybirds grin

HollyKate Sat 20-Jun-09 20:15:58

Did the toilet seat hit you on the head before or after you did a wee?

While feeling guilty that I was trying not to laugh.

dinkystinky Sat 20-Jun-09 20:59:39

Just to add to the poo related ones - "Mr Poo, down the loo, yahoo" - after EVERY poo DS1 does in the toilet while we flush it!

lucyellensmumisgreat Sat 20-Jun-09 21:09:28

Is that a horse poo or an elephant poo?

dinkystinky Sat 20-Jun-09 21:32:10

No idea - its the Mr that is important according to DS1...

moaningminnie2020 Sat 20-Jun-09 21:35:50

No don't run (the dog)over (with wheelybug)
Yes that's his eye DON'T POKE it
Bye Bye Poo
Take that toast out of Daddy's shoe
No you can't have cake, you can have weetabix, it's breakfast
yes darling, it is an incy wincy spider

I never thought I would be questioned about everyone in my (whole) school photo. By the time I named everyone there were a lot of "Smiths"

NorbertDentressangle Sat 20-Jun-09 21:55:22

The one phrase that sticks in my head more than any other is:

"Put everything that belongs in your pants back into your pants please"

DS had discovered his willy so was partially removing his undies to have a fiddle and at the same time was putting random small toys into his pants.

WhoDidThat Sat 20-Jun-09 21:59:22

Yes, Captain Jack does love eating vegetables, especially peas

If you don't go to sleep then Father Christmas won't leave your presents

No, there is not a baby in my tummy, just my lunch

If you break that window we will have to pay to fix it and then there will be no money left over for any food or toys blush

DH : where are my keys?
me : in the bottom drawer of the fridge
DH : ok thanks

Babies are made from special magic (this makes me cringe, but they are too young for the truth, trust me)

don't point it's rude ...... (whispered) yes I know she has a funny face but don't point ...... because it is not nice ....... oooh shall we share some chocolate

Frasersmum123 Mon 22-Jun-09 14:54:27

Me - Did you drop your motorbike down the toilet before or after you did a wee?
DS - After
Me - Before or after you flushed the chain?
DS - Before
Me - give me the motorbike here so I can wash it
DS - Oh its okay, I wiped it on your towel
Me - well can you go and get my towel please
DS - Its dried, it happened yesterday morning

'I think Tombliboo un might be a boy?'

Frasersmum123 Mon 22-Jun-09 15:02:07

Oh, and last week when we were making Fathers day cards - 'No I dont know what Wax Crayons taste like'

Sweetie, take your banana out of Daddy's shoe please.

No darling, I don't think Uncle Steven wants to sleep in the bath.

Do you want chocolate chicken for tea? (She'll only eat chicken if I tell her it's chocolate cake for some reason hmm )

thefortbuilder Mon 22-Jun-09 21:12:08

do not pick your brother up by his head (at top of my voice)

if you don't put pants on your penis will get cold and fall off

point your penis DOWN

yes ds it's muscles chicken
and muscles sweetcorn
and yes it's muscles peas too

don't water grandad michael's shoes! No, they do not need to grow anymore.

muscateer4 Mon 22-Jun-09 22:55:07

If you're going to play with anyone's penis, play with your own! (mum with too many boys)

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 22-Jun-09 23:13:54

8am?! Ooh a lie-in!

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 22-Jun-09 23:13:55

8am?! Ooh a lie-in!

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 22-Jun-09 23:14:20


Miamla Tue 23-Jun-09 08:24:36

6am?! Ooh a lie-in! grin

mrsrawlinson Tue 23-Jun-09 12:39:45

"Am I the ONLY person in this house who ever picks anything up off the floor?"

"Don't climb on that. If you fall off you'll get blood everywhere and I don't have time to clean up now."

"The reason you shouldn't try to drown your brother is because you'll make him die."

"No, I've no wet wipes. It'll have to be a spit wash. Now come here...."

please don't hit your brother with the baseball bat. (i wouldn't of minded but they were 12 and 9 at the time!)

HobbitWife Thu 25-Jun-09 19:30:45

I remembered a classic (prompted by someone elses post...)

Stop playing with your willy or it'll drop off and the cat will eat it.

For some reason the thought of the cat eating it worried my son far mroe than it dropping off in the firt place!

Delirium Thu 25-Jun-09 19:53:10

"Come here and let me sniff your bum."

pispirispis Thu 25-Jun-09 21:47:48

(In high pitched deranged excited sounding voice)

Oh look it's a birdie! Yes, it goes "tweet tweet" doesn't it!!! TWEET TWEET!

Ooh look and a doggie!! It goes "woof woof"! Yes that's right pet, WOOF WOOF!

Yes, that's a motorbike! Yes, vroom vroom! VROOM VROOM!!

etc etc....

Momdeguerre Sat 27-Jun-09 02:39:41

In soothing voice to hysterical and constipated 3 year old 'No, the pooh is not chasing you we just need to snap it off'.

Acinonyx Sat 27-Jun-09 19:12:02

Another consitpated 3 yr-old here:

'They're calling the register at poo preschool Where's dd-poo?

It's not here - it's still in dd's bottom.

Well, it needs to come out and come to preschool.'


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