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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

My 7 year old son has caused damages for thousands of pounds through his violent outburst.... Please help.

41 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 16:33

I despair, I really do.

He keeps getting into trouble by other children winding him up. By now, they must look upon it like a sport. All it takes is a little nudge, or somebody throwing a pebble at him, and it sets off a violent temper tantrum, which includes kicking and punching other children. Today he threw rocks. Incidentally one of them hit the bonnet of a parked car. The damage is big, the entire bonnet needs taking off, straightening, and and the car repainted. The sums exceeds the schools liability insurance.

I dont know what to do.

On saturday, he broke his friends bow and arrow and he thrashed his own bicyle helmet.

We had parents evening yesterday. Academically he is brilliant. He is still a year ahead in maths. And in literacy, reading, comprehension, spelling and writing, he had 3 spelling mistakes out of hundreds of exercisises which was part of a test.

But he has such a temper, and he cant control it. The school is trying to teach him strategies for dealing with his temper, such as straight away going to tell a grown up if he feels angry, tell a grown up if somebody is unfair to him, etc. Yesterday he punched a child in the stomach during lunch, because the child had accidentally bumpted into him.

I dont know what to do.
This has only started happening since Christmas. He used to be the most sensitive and placid child.

OP posts:

Report

SoMuchToBits · 19/05/2009 16:36

Has anything in his life changed since Christmas? Such as changes in the family, or even some different type of food etc which might have set this off?

The best thing would be to find the cause, but meanwhile is there anyone else (apart from what they are already doing at school) who would be able to help him with anger management type things?

poopscoop · 19/05/2009 16:37

oh blimey poor you. I am not sure what to say at the moment as dashing out but wanted to keep it bumped for you. Maybe i shall think of something helpful and post back later.

GrapefruitMoon · 19/05/2009 16:39

Did something happen at Christmas to start this off? Have you spoken to your GP? It sounds like he needs professional help ASAP - some areas run anger management courses for children. It doesn't sound like something you can sort out on your own tbh...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/05/2009 16:39

Blimey - how old is he?

You don't think he's bored do you, and this is a bid for attention and excitement? I only ask because my youngest brother was/is incredibly bright - top 1% in everything he did throught school. He had a terrible temper that flared up when he was bored - it still does to be honest but he's learnt to deal with it better.

Good luck, I really feel for you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/05/2009 16:40

throughout

nickschick · 19/05/2009 16:42

Quint I dont know lots about you - I know you have moved a long way (to norway?) to care for your elderly dps,I know you wanted to move house and i think i remember reading your removal van went missing .

I think perhaps your ds is having trouble filing all his 'thoughts and feelings' perhaps he sees trhe change in his family life as a bad change?

Can you try and recreate life before? earlier bedtimes ,routines etc?
Can you physically exhaust him with cycling or trampolining maybe a martial art.

Would it help for him to have some quality time with you feeling cherished feeling loved?

He is only 7 this will pass and you may look back on these times and even laugh.

But for now I appreciate its a very steep mountain to climb

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 16:43

He has plenty of one on one time. You are right we did just move, but he loves it here. He says he does not want to go back.

I think I need to seek professional help.

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Louby3000 · 19/05/2009 16:49

What is the school saying, in trems of his beghaviour when he is there?
You need to get to the bottom of what is triggering these outbursts, and although other children might "set him off" he needs to be helped in how to feel what he is feeling and understand boundries of acceptable behaviour.
I think at 7 boys get another dose of testotsterone so that could be factored in...
Have you contacted your local Childrens Centre? They are run by Action for Children and they have case workers attached with FREE information and help. That may be a good call to make as they are a charity.

nickschick · 19/05/2009 16:55

Quint I wasnt suggesting you dont give him time and im glad hes feeling positive about the move but its a very big change isnt it.

Is there the same access to support where you are as there is in England?

Louby3000 · 19/05/2009 16:57

sorry i didnt realise that you were in Norway... so scratch the Childrens Centre advice!

stuffitlllama · 19/05/2009 16:57

Have you looked into how different his education is? (sorry if you have already thought of this). Are you in Norway and don't schools start later? So is it possible that the work is a lot easier than he was doing before --so he could be really bored. That could be leading to fidgeting or disruption in class which could be leading to many reprimands, which could be leading to hostility between him and other children, which could mean labelling in a way he hasn't experienced before.

Perhaps you've already looked into this.

stuffitlllama · 19/05/2009 17:01

Also, the damage running into thousands.

I know it's awful but the fact that it caused so much financial damage is really out of whack with what he actually did. It's bad to throw stones yes, but it could just as easily have caused a fiver of damage to a wing mirror. Of course it could have just as easily hit someone (unless he made sure no one was about, which is very possible) but please don't analyse it in terms of the amount of money involved.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 19/05/2009 17:05

Could he be bored at school?

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 17:08

He is taught in a year group above his own, the teaching is very individually tailored to each child, which means they let him do online maths programs, or other things which are challenging to him. Also, learning norwegian spelling, writing and reading has been challenging, I assume, as he could just about understand the language when he got here.

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stuffitlllama · 19/05/2009 17:09

I guess you know yourself everything that's happened since Christmas. Maybe it would be a good idea to call someone.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 17:15

I dont know. He is playing out with 4-5 friends from his street all the time, he does not miss london, and he is generally quite happy. He does not display this behaviour much at home. The incident with the bow and arrow and the helmet was the first time. He is a much loved boy, who is quite possibly a little spoilt, he has tons of clothes and toys, and we do family things together every weekend. We dont drink, we dont go out, he has only once or twice in his life experienced a baby sitter, he gets plenty of one on one time with either me or my dh daily. I really dont see what his problem could be. Our home environment, aside from moving, is really stable. But kids move? Kids are uprooted without starting to behave like this?

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nickschick · 19/05/2009 17:34

Quint,I too have a ds who at the min is in big trouble ,our home life is very nice compared to many of his friends.

I think what we both have to do is to stop looking at why this behaviour has started and looking at ways to stop it.

Dont rip yourself up thinking why, turn the page and work on the answer.

SoMuchToBits · 19/05/2009 17:43

Has his diet changed since you have moved? If theres is something he now eats regularly that he didn't eat before, it could have an effect.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 17:47

Fish?
I cook from scratch. He doesnt get boiled sweets, or crisps or chewing gum. I make ice lollies from orange juice and yoghurt. He does get a little chocolate as a treat after dinner. He gets soda pop (such as fanta or lemondade) maybe once or twice a month. He has a diet which is very low in artificial flavours and sweeteners.

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QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2009 17:49

nickschick, I sympathise, it is bloody hard, isnt it. I feel like I cant show my face on our street. I was out on the balcony a few moments ago, and a class mate of my son shouted up to me "So, did X get an earful today, for damaging the car?"

I am having vivid images of ss turning up on our doorstep branding us bad parents for our sons behaviour.

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izyboy · 19/05/2009 17:54

It is going to be the move, even if he is happy, it can still be unsettling. As to what to do - what strategies have you put in place at home?

izyboy · 19/05/2009 17:57

Tiredness is always a massive trigger for my DS. Fish oil capsules help ans maybe a martial art class to channel the aggression in a controlled way. Help him to count to 10 before he 'explodes' and to take 'time out'.

Podrick · 19/05/2009 17:58

Does he have an outlet for stress?

Is he playing a lot of sport - contact sports even or martial arts?

How old is he, and can he tell you where the anger comes from?

izyboy · 19/05/2009 18:02

Oh yeah and isn't 7 years old about the time boys get another 'rush' of tostestrone? I know there is one at birth and approx. 4 years plus puberty of course.

Nighbynight · 19/05/2009 19:52

Have you got liability insurance for your family?
Its standard in germany, not sure about the uk.

I really feel for you and your ds.

Flip

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