DS prefers nanny to me

[SqueakyJoe]

Have namechanged for this - not a very regular poster, but know a couple of people from MN in RL, and am mortified by this one, so just in case...

DS1 is 3.2, and can be very challenging, but also v lovely. I am in the middle of 2 weeks off work - since going back after having DS2, I work part-time, 3 consecutive days a week, with a nanny for the children.

Since being off, DS1 has asked periodically (most days - he almost always asks "what are we doing today" as he likes to know what's what in advance, and this came up as part of it most days) whether B, the nanny, is coming today. I've been telling him no, she's on holiday - you've got mummy looking after you all the time at the moment (in special "isn't that exciting, aren't you a lucky boy!" voice). He has generally been fine with this, but once or twice he has said "I want B".

This morning, we had a bit of a row - he was horrible to DH and then lashed out at DS2 when DH (quite mildly) told him off, and said he wanted B. I took him upstairs to get him dressed and to talk to him. We talked for a while about how he was feeling, and I asked him whether he wanted B looking after him or mummy. He said B.

I feel completely heartbroken. Maybe he is only saying it because he was in a mood because he'd been told off. And I know it is important that he loves his carer - she has been his nanny since he was 1, and I worked full-time until I had DS2, so they have a very good relationship. But I just feel utterly deflated. I don't think I put words in his mouth, and he wasn't saying it in a tantrum. Anyone got any crumbs of comfort? Tell me I'm overreacting?

I went part-time because we simply can't afford for me not to work, and this seemed like the best compromise. I would love to be a sahm, but now feel that, even if it were possible financially, it wouldn't work because DS1 doesn't want to be looked after by me

I know he's only 3 and I probably shouldn't take it to heart, but I just feel so down about it.

[Tamarto]

I'm a SAHM and at various and plentyful points through the years my lot have all said that they:

1: Want to go live with grandma

2: Want Daddy to be with them all the time and me go work.

3: To live by themselves

4: To live in a childrens home

I could go on if you like, but i think you get the gist.

Try not to feel down, you know that he loves you.

[kitbit]

He isn't saying "I want B", he's saying "I want the person who in my head would not be telling me off/saying something I don't want to hear right now" whether his perception is right or not! ds (and every other child I espect!) does this: he wants the other parent who at that moment isn't in any way cross/upset/something other than bright and happy. It ISN'T personal, although it doesn't mean he doesn't love B, of course he does and that's a GOOD thing, but it doesn't mean he loves you less. I bet when he's with B he will say the same thing to her about you

[FabulousBakerGirl]

This is quite normal.

I was a nanny and used to feel so guilty but the fact was I spent more time with the kids - in one job 12 hours a day while mummy shopped - so the child was bound to get attached to me.

[blinks]

LOL at Tomarto

[Lemontart]

I read this and thought you were talking about a grandparent (my kids call my mum, nanny). Was going to say that I totally understand and know how it feels. However, perhaps we aren?t so different afterall. Both your "nanny" and my children?s nanny love and care for our children and as a parent it can be hard to accept that sometimes our children might love us but want to be with a different person. Used to upset me until my mum said to me that whenever my girls get to their house to play/sleepover, first thing they do when I have gone is to go find grandad and totally ignore my mum for the next hour or so! So, perhaps, it is a case of grass is greener and they pick and choose memories. For example, if mine want to play games they want their dad more than me but when they are hurt or it is bedtime they run to me. Perhaps he associates your nanny with certain activities he really wanted to do. Also, when she is there, her only household job is to look after him. When you are there you are not another nanny but a mum, wife, friend, household organiser, cook etc etc. The nanny doesn?t need to say "just give me five minutes, I need to sort out this phone bill.." she can just sit down and play!

All in all, I think you should try to look at the positive in all this - be happy he loves being with her - and give yourself a bit of a break. I doubt he means he wants you to move out and her move in as mum fulltime! More that he enjoys the attention. Why not ask him what he enjoys doing with the nanny best and see if you can enjoy some of his favourite activities too?

I understand why you feel down but I think all children have phases where they prefer to be with different people other than their mum. I think this probably feels harder as she is not "family" but really it is just like him wanting dad over mum or mum over dad.

[Lemontart]

Oh - and I remember blubbing into a gin and tonic with my sister after the first day DD1 went to school. DD1 had cried... not when I dropped her off but when I picked her up! She didn?t want to go back to her boring home!!

[Spaceman]

Even my DD who puts me on a pedestal said to me that she hates me the other day. She did look devastated after it popped out, but every child would come out with it now and again. Truth is your DS knows you're around and feels like you are part of the furniture so he is comfortable enough and secure enough to lash out at you. He's a lucky boy having a mum working part time AND having a lovely nanny. Nothing can replace you in his heart. The child-mother relationship displays the most genuine unconditional love there is; even horrible, undeserving mothers have kids that love them. You've not done anything that will compromise his love for you so try not to let it worry you.

[smallorange]

I am a SAHM whose daughter burst into tears when I suggested coming with her on a day out with granny!

Don't worry about it. If you were a SAHM you'd get this even more!

[SqueakyJoe]

Thanks for these replies - feeling calmer now! Suspect PMT-induced anxiety played a part in my (over) reaction


Shouldn't really be surprised, though - the little sod angel has had my heart in a vice since day one. And you're right, I know he loves me and he DOES do this when he's with B - he just caught me at a low ebb, that's all.

Am going to collect him from pre-school now and play in the sun with him and DS2

[Morloth]

Hah! My son asked the cleaning lady if she could stay and be his Mummy. I was standing right there, the little sod.

[Pinkglow]

PMSL morloth

[Spaceman]

Oh Morloth, LOL!

[ijustwant8hours]

My DS prefers his nanny to me. I'm afraid to say that I use this shamelessly - oh we better tidy up before N gets here, oh you better wash your hair as N is here tomorrow etc.