Talk to me about your completed family, especially if you have two boys

[mrsgboring]

I know this is early days. I know this has been done before. Sorry. If you've decided your family is complete, can you tell me what it's like please?

DS2 is 17 days old now. He's a joy and I love him, as I do DS1 who's 3.5. I adore my boys and am very happy to have them.

However..... DS2 wasn't meant to be the last child. We were intending to have one more DC after this, but this last pregnancy has been so horrendous that we're now leaning towards never doing it again. DH has pretty much made his mind up, and I know he is right, but feel sad. Before we had the boys, we had a stillborn DD, so there is a "girl shaped" hole in my heart, and a "third child shaped" hole in my heart too. That will never be filled whatever we do; it's something we'll always have to live with anyway.

BUT I never ever ever ever want to be pregnant again. The worry, illness and general stress on our family was truly awful this time round (lots of problems with baby and with me during the pgcy). I would like to be able to stop. I think we probably need to leave the baby phase behind and plan our lives making the most of what we've got.

So how did you decide enough was enough? And if you have two boys, can you please tell me how fantastic it's going to be?

[nevergoogledragonbutter]

I think 17 days after giving birth is not an ideal time to make big decisions like this one.

I have two boys and think i'm done also, after bad pregnancies and childbirth and PND experiences.... but don't know how i'll feel in a few years time.

I have that little space (not a hole) that is room for a girl that i sometimes feel sad about, so i know what you mean. But really, you don't need to be thinking about this right now.

Oh and two boys is great. How lovely for them to have a brother. Congratulations.

[policywonk]

Agree with DB that you don't have to make any decisions now. I'm sorry your pregnancy was so horrid. I was hyper-emetic during both of my pregnancies, and it's been a big factor in making me decide not to go for a third.

I have two boys, and I love it. I love the unbridled affection, their uncomplicated friendships, the simple joy they find in breaking things into their constituent parts, and the all-in nude wrestling that takes place pretty much daily.

But of course, as you say, you will always feel the lack of your daughter.

[thisisyesterday]

agree that 17 days PP is not the time to make this decision.
are the issues ytou had during pregnancy likely to repeat themselves? that's what i'd be asking myself. if not then no reason not to do it again

I have 2 boys and they're fantastic. that said, I am pregnant again and due in 4 weeks. so not quite what you had in mind,
BUT, if for some reason I coudln't have a third child I would be utterly happy with my 2 boys.

anyway, why don't you talk to your DH and maybe make plans to talk about it properly in say, 6 months time? and see how you feel then?
Not suggesting 6 months in a having another baby right then way, but just in a let's not make the final decision right now, leave it a while

[nevergoogledragonbutter]

yes, there's wrestling.
I'm surprised at how natural it comes to boys to rugby tackle.
Put away the ornaments and enjoy!

[mrsgboring]

I know you are all right and that it is too soon to be thinking about this. (But if we don't do it again, I want to enjoy to the full the "I never ever have to go through that again" sensation )

Pregnancy problems are a mixed bag. DS2 has a rare condition that at 20 week scan looked like it could possibly kill him, but has turned out asymptomatic and will be fixed with elective surgery. That is v. unlikely to recur (no recorded case of siblings being affected) But hyperemesis, gestational diabetes and total insane worry for the whole of TTC and the pregnancy, that will most likely recur. I couldn't face it again.

thisisyesterday, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[BigusBumus]

Hello Mrsgboring, I have a 6 yr old DS from 1st marriage and DP has a 6 yr old DS too from his 1st marriage, who we have here a lot. (They are both in bed, in bunks, right now and we can still hear them giggling and messing about and its gone 9pm, bless 'em .

We had an accidental, but pleased with it pregnancy when we'd been together only 6 months and now have DS who is 2.4. So we have 3 boys between us. When DS3 was a few weeks i wanted to have another baby quite soon as i didn't feel "complete" yet, and still had a hankering after a little girl.

But after about a year when we were ready to try again, we both had a sudden change of heart. I think the urge for babies wore off when DS3 no longer was a little tiny one and, like you said, the possibilities of the future started taking more importance. Like holidays, camping with the 3 boys, doing wholey "boy" type activities (without having a baby in tow or a girl who might be bored with doing what her 3 brothers wanted to do) and also having the freedom for ourselves as a couple that no longer having a tiny baby brings.

So we are now at a place where we won't have any more, and with DS3 being a toddler/small child now we have booked a camping holiday in France and everyday life is getting easier and easier by the day!

I have no regrets and with each passing month the girl-shaped void is getting smaller and smaller. Its great having boys, honestly.

[firststeps]

Hi Mrsgboring, I have 2 boys age 3.5 and 1.5 and do feel that my family is complete. When I was pregnant with DS2 I was convinced he was a girl and was so excited at the prospect of having a daughter - I was so convinced I was even shouting the name we had chosen for DD during labour but once DS2 was born I couldn't imagine having a girl and although at first I still thought there was room for a girl in our family that is diminishing every day. Our 2 have just started playing together properly and having boys is lovely.

[MummyDoIt]

I have two boys, aged 6 and 5. We only ever wanted two children. If I'm honest, before having kids I always imagined myself with a girl but, as soon as DS1 was born, that vanished. I just loved him for being him. When we were expecting DS2 I wanted another boy as I thought they would be better friends than boy/girl. They are great together and they are so loving and affectionate to me. I honestly would not have it any other way and would be afraid to have another child now in case it upset the dynamic of the family.

[ConnorTraceptive]

I have two boys and won't being having more also due to horrible pregnancies and difficult births. Sometimes I feel a lump in my throat when I look at their pphoto's when they were newborn and feel sad that I will never experience that again, but I think I would feel that even if I had six children!!

I do feel or family is complete, the boys are lovely and already so close even though they are only 4 and 1.

The wrestling has begun and even the one year old has perfected his WWF smack down, body slam.

Also for what it's worth I was fairly certain after ds1 that I would NEVER go through pregnancy and birth again. It's early days there is no need to make final decisions now or even discuss it just enjoy your family as it is now.

[ingles2]

This is much too early to thinking about this MrsB. Congratulations btw you lucky lucky girl 2 bouys is FANTASTIC!
I am in the same position as you. I have 2 boys and I also have 2 babies missing (twin boys incidentally)
My boys are now 8 and 9. They are fantastic, wonderful caring, mummies boys and the best of friends.
I really really couldn't wish for anything more
but there
is a gap and that comes from losing a baby I think. That gap will always be there and actually I don't mind that. I would never want to forget them but it diminishes with time and I can now accept that I will have no more children.
Be kind to yourself, the best thing to do ime is keep an open mind. Don't try and make a concrete decision, you really don't need to. My decision has come naturally over time, coupled with the fact the grow up sooooo quickly.

[Smithagain]

Well my two are girls, not boys, but I do most definitely feel the family is complete. They are compatible, they have a great repertoire of things they love to play together and I'd be very nervous of rocking the boat by introducing another child, be it boy or girl.

The logistics of two are nice and straightforward.

DD2 is off to school in Sept and it feels like we are all moving on, into a new and exciting phase. I have no regrets about leaving the baby/toddler years behind. Have done that and am ready for a new challenge. And I'm quite happy to accept that I'm going to be a "mother of girls".

(Also, we thought we'd lost DD2 at 13 weeks and it continued to look dodgy for several weeks after that. I never, ever want to go through a pregnancy like that again).

[mrsgboring]

Thank you all for your insights. We are definitely not rushing into any decisions (except DH is currently adamant his mind is made up).

Ingles, I think you are right, the gap is our missing DD and nothing is going to put that right. And, as you point out, this is only right and proper.

My two boys are wonderful and I certainly count myself very lucky to be their mother.

[desperatelyseekingsleep]

MrsBoring, I have 2 boys, but also lost a daughter before they were born, and constantly sway between thinking my family is complete (because I HATE the baby years with a passion),and desperately wanting a baby girl (a subject I have started threads on in the past when the desperation becomes too much). I think you're right though, for me a lot of that yearning for a 3rd child/daughter prob comes from losing a daughter. Still don't know which way we'll go (boys are now 4 and 2, and are JUST starting to play together, although most of the time they fight!) But I am 41 so my age may take care of the decision for me. Good luck with your 2 boys, and enjoy them whatever decision you make in the future!

[Metella]

My boys are older - 12 and 9 - and before I had them I only wanted girls. After ds2 I considered having a third in an attempt to have a girl but I'm glad now that I didn't.

I truly can't picture myself with a daughter at all now!!!! Boys are fantastic (girls are too, obviously!) and give you sooo much love and affection - yup, even at the age of 12, ds1 snuggles up on the sofa with me!

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I have a 2 children spaced hole too as I have lost two but I also know I will not have any more natural children. I had to stop with the animals too as I could have hundreds of either and it still wouldn't be enough. I realised I was trying to fill a hole that can never be filled.

I think less than 3 weeks after having a baby is not the time to be worrying about having another baby or not tbh.

Enjoy your scrumptious new baby and just see how things pan out.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

BTW I have 2 boys and a girl and still feel the same though I would have liked an other girl for my DD.

[roisin]

Family size is such a personal thing though isn't it?
I have two boys, but I've always wanted two boys I'm not really a girly girl and never had a desperate hankering for a daughter.
They are 10 and 11 now: it's great having two boys.

Holidays are easy as they both want to do the same sort of things. There is more flexibility for bedrooms - either on holiday or permanently at home. Sometimes mine share, sometimes they don't. Four is certainly much cheaper/easier when it comes to booking famly hotel rooms.

They share almost all of their toys/belongings, and we pass on clothes too.

They can share experiences/activities and toys. Sometimes they are as thick as thieves planning and plotting together; at other times they argue and wind each other up!

[Mumwhensdinnerready]

I have 2 boys of 11 and 13.
Had two vile pregnancies and decided after DS2 that in view of my age and health that we would count our blessings and stick with our two lovely boys.
I have to say though that when I was expecting DS2 I was desperate for another boy and have never yearned for a girl, (partly because I remember how horrid I was as a teenager).
I second all the wonderful things people have said about boys, including the wrestling.
My only reservation is that I have always thought that a daughter is forever but a son is only yours until he finds that girl....

[PacificDogwood]

Congratulations on arrival of your DS2!
And so sorry to hear about your previous loss .

As everybody as already said, every family is different, but FWIW here is my wee bit:
I have 3 boys aged 6,5, and 13 months. I love having boys, in fact when I was pregnant with DS1 i distinctly remember a feeling of panic at the thought of the unborn baby possibly being a girl. Somehow I felt I would not know what to "do" with a girl .
Having said that, I have also lost 4 pregnancies (early MMC) and one of these I know would have been a girl (genetic tests on fetal material after evac). And of all my MCs this is the one I keep coming back to, not v often, and not dreadfully upset, just a bit whistful wondering about how our family would have turned out if we had had that girl.
So I really understand what you are feeling. But again like others have said 17 days after birth of your baby is way way too early to think about whether you are done or not. I had lots of complications with DS2, in hospital from 25 weeks, emCS at 31 weeks, DS2 in SCBU for 5 weeks etc etc, and yet we still "braved" another go - 4 years later, LOL. I know that DH was more worrid/scared than I was.
I'll stop waffling now: having all boys is great, they are great pals to each other, also fight v well together , but give yourself a bit of time and you may find you feel "done" with having babies of any gender, or not as it were... And every pregnancy is different, so surely you could have a better one next time?
Good luck to you and your family.

[Bleatblurt]

I have two boys of 17 months and 4.5. Two boys is GREAT. I am totally smitten with them and can't imagine being a mum to a girl. They are so great with one another too, makes me all teary eyed seeing them building towers together etc.

But my second son was stillborn and there is always that hole, that need. I long for another boy but sometime I'm not sure if that longing really is for another baby or just for my lost darling boy. I don't think there will be another pregnancy for me either. I can't cope with the stress. I had a 14 week m/c after my third son was born and then an early m/c a few months later - add them to the 36 week stillbirth and the idea of being pregnant terrifies me! I wish I could be one of those women that find out they are pg when 36 weeks so I could have the joy of another baby but none of the pregnancy stress.

I have spent the time since DS3 was born convincing myself that 2 (living) children was perfect. It took ages to believe any of it but it has actually worked now. I kept telling myself that a third teenager in our house would make it squashed, a third child would leave us a bit too poor, so much of life is set up for 2 adults + 2 children...and on and on. Oh and that another child would end up being demonic after I was so lucky to have such lovely ds's. That one really put me off another!

[EvenBetaDad]

mrsgboring - well we have DS1 (9) and DS2 (7) and because of DW having severe health problems before DS1 we knew DS2 would be our last - mainly because of our age.

DW did sometimes ask in the last few years if I ever wanted a girl (I think jokingly). I am very happy though as I feel we have a complete family with two lovely children that we thought we could never have.

[pointydog]

oo wonks, you have one of my favourite girl's names ever!

[policywonk]

Why thank 'ee. It's all down to my dear late mother. I bet you pronounce it in the satanist Scottish manner though.

[pointydog]

yes. You should too. It's m uch stronger

[policywonk]