Mother in law help or going it alone

[EugenieM]

Dear All,

I'm new to this site but I'm looking for some advice. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and have been with my partner for a little over a year. We're happily together and he's a very supportive partner.

We're both first time parents (I'm in my late 30s). My parents have both died and my extended family lives far away. My partner's mother has offered to come and stay with us, immediately after the birth. Although the last thing I want to do is alienate her (she's a lovely woman) she's still pretty much a stranger to me. My instinct is that - terrifying though it is! - the first few days in our little flat, is a time for my partner and me and our newborn. But I'm worried that by not taking her up on the offer (and with no child care experience between us) I'm being a bit daft!

I think the key thing is the smallness of our flat and my desire for privacy at this time (with lots of nice visits in short bursts). Has anyone else done it entirely alone without female role model and survived?

Any thoughts / advice greatly appreciated!

[Lizzylou]

My Mom came for a week once DH's paternity leave ended when I had DS1. Despite my reservations she was great, tidied up, made tea and gave me lots of maltesers whilst I breastfed
I enjoyed our time together alone first tbh, what about seeing if she'll come once your DP has gone back to work?

Good luck and welcome to MN

[Bucharest]

Yes.
And wouldn't do it any other way.
It depends how good your relationship is with your MIL.
I'm in Italy, so of course my family is far away....dp's family are divilspawn and I wouldn't have wanted their interference help.....(not that it was ever offered)

I think as well, that parenting ideas are so different even from individual to individual, let alone generation to generation, that with a strong female around who is convinced her way is the right way (which let's face it, we all are, a bit) you might end up doing stuff you wouldn't naturally instinctively wanted to do. I remember when dd was a few days old and his two haggy sisters were visiting, dd was crying, and it was all "ooooh don't ever pick up a crying baby, you'll spoil her for life..." and so I didn't, because they were there......

The first few days are fine, as long as you don't get all Stepfordy about the cleaning. Stay in bed with your baby, and make your dp go and fetch pizza. That sort of thing.

Good luck....

[LIZS]

Definitely err on the side of privacy, ask her to come once your dp returns to work to give you a break(for a bath or nap) and take the baby for the odd walk. It isn't rocket science, you will have a midwife visiting and physically you won't be at your best(!). Unless you are on very intimate terms her presence will feel invasive and you may resent it.

[Bucharest]

Oh, yes, agree with lizzylou...after a few weeks, that help is great...my Mum came when dd was 3 weeks old, for a week, and that was lovely.

[JHKE]

Agree with Lizzylou.

My mum helped when dh had gone back to work. Although the difference was my mum lived just down the road so just came in the morning and left about 3pm. The help was great.

[Niecie]

I agree with Lizzylou and Bucharest - get her to come when your DP has gone back to work. You might appreciate another pair of hands then more than when you are learning to become a family in the first few days.

I had my PIL staying when DS2 was 4 days old and they were very helpful in looking after DS1. They were sensitive enough to ask what needed doing rather than getting in the way and offering unwanted advice all the time. If you think your MIL would behave the same way and not monopolise the baby or lecture you on child rearing then she might be very useful to have around. Maybe get your DP to chat to her before accepting her offer so she knows how it has to be.

FWIW my in-laws are still very touched that we allowed them to come and stay when DS2 was so small and still talk about how wonderful it was to share the special time with us. If you can do it so you all stay friends it is a lovely way of fostering a bit of goodwill and family harmony.

Good luck with the birth and your new baby.

[EugenieM]

Thanks so much for your (prompt!) replies and advice I suppose because my mum's nolonger around, I'm just not sure of what's normal or what other new mums do.
What a great forum! Reading your replies I'm beginning to think that maybe the desire for privacy is quite instinctual.

X

[misshardbroom]

I did it solo after dd was born - no family anywhere near, and DH worked away Mon - Fri. It was hell on earth. Then I did it again when ds1 was born and I had a 1y.o dd & a new baby... and I think that was possibly a bit easier as at least I knew what to expect!

However, if your DH is going to be home of an evening, then it might not be as scary.

The other big factor to consider is that you don't know what sort of birth you're going to have. It might go very smoothly and you might feel really fit very soon afterwards. However, if you have a very long labour, or any complications, or a C-section, then you might not feel too well yourself and be glad of a bit of nursing.

I think I would plan to have the first fortnight just you, DH and your baby, and have primed MIL that depending on what shape you're in, she could either come and look after you in week 3, or give you a week by yourself and come for a few days in week 4. Is she able to be fairly flexible or does she have to take time off work?

Ultimately, you have to be able to do it by yourself, you just need to be in good enough physical / hormonal shape to take it on.

[EugenieM]

Thanks Misshardbroom, yes my partner is taking two weeks off (hooray!) and as he works for himself there's the potential for more time off if things get sticky. So I will have him around. With your DH working away I'm not surprised it was so tricky for you first time round.

I've also hired a doula and although having her drop round is going to be pricey it'll also be an option (although not a great credit crunch one!)

Good point about being fit and healthy vs. having a bit more of a rough ride!