Mumsnet Talk

Me and dh disagree on this one, he thinks not one cross word, ever no debate no disagreements as he thinks it may "damage" dd. This in turn leads to us having blazing rows when she's in bed as I've had to bite my lip all day (not everyday just sometimes)

Partly to do with his rather adolescent response I expect if i say anything he doesn't like he loses his temper extremely rapidly, but thst's another issue.

I personally think dcs should see adults disagreeing and making up, saying sorry, reaching compromises etc. They need to see that differences of opninion aren't dangerous and can be overcome.

Unfortunately we do sometimes degenerate to raised voices in our household which I know ishorrible for dd and I hate myself for shouting.

Would just be interested to see what others think, dh says because of the nature of our (rather volatile) relationshi we can't have "minor" disagreements as, as a couple we're incapable of it and everything (he) blows up.

I think we need to learn to discuss things. apprpriately, would like to know how others deal with this issue.

bump

On the issue of arguing and exchanging cross words infront of dc's, I also think it's ok occasionally, I do believe that they need to see and hear that you are arguing but can overcome it, apologise, make up and be perfectly happy or what happens when dc's wake up during a row? Maybe they would be scared for no need iyswim. Me and dp have had angry words and I have shouted infront of ds1 and he's not even 2, but they all have to learn about and witness ifferent emotions and the outcomes IMO.

I agree with you, not your dh. I grew up with parents who never said a cross word to each other, always apparently in perfect agreement (even down to never disagreeing about where a picture should hang etc). Its left me feeling like i can never live up to their relationship , and my brothers and I have all found disagreements in our marriages hard to handle.

Of course I dont agree with blazing rows in front of the children but they need to see that different people have different perspectives on things and thats ok.

I think it's absolutely essential that you row in front of children so long as the rows aren't violent or frightening and, this is the most important bit, you make up in front of them too.

Children need to know that adults aren't infallible, and about human emotions, and about normal, healthy relationships.

We've always believed this, but FWIW, my counsellor also agrees too.

Um, I think that there is a balance to be struck, but I do think parents should try not to row in front of their children much. Sorry to disagree.

I think that it is a good thing to have disagreements and see that it isn't the end of the world and that you can reach a compromise and make up. I don't think it is a good idea to have blazing rows, say terrible things to each other and hurl insults about.

DH and I had a shouting match this morning (me shouting and him ignoring me!) in front of kids. We row very very rarely but I was v annoyed and couldn't help myself. Afterward DS asked if daddy and I would be friends again and I explained daddy and I were just being silly and he seemed v happy with this answer. Since it was all forgotten 10 mins later and everyone friends again he just viewed it as an extension of the arguments he gets into with his little brother.

So personally, although I wish I could have held my tongue, I just think it's part of family life.

Yes I think that is what I think too, piscesmoon. I am NOT in favour of adults saying hurtful things to each other in front of the children - why on earth would you want to teach your children that that is OK?

We have a no-shouting policy in front of the kids, it is a good thing I think. In fact we try to have a no-shouting policy at all.

But saying hurtful things does not have to be part of a row. I would not want to hide a part of my personality from my children though - they need to know who I am and that, whatever bad points I have and things I do wrong, I still love them all and still love their DH too. That's stability. If DH and I pretend things are sweetness and light the whole time and then one time we mess up and row in front of them by mistake, how on earth would they ever cope with that?

I think it is a very difficult area, and we are all influenced by what we think acceptable behaviour is. A disagreement is not at all the same as a shouting-match. I'm sorry, I don't think it is good for children to see their parents yelling at each other regularly, now and again of course it is aprt of life, but not regularly. Children don't like seeing their parents argue, and it is upsetting to them.
So I don't think it is good for a family, on balance, if it happens more often than once in a while.

Also I don't think it is about pretending things are "sweetness and light" it is about trying to behave politely and decently to each other, whatever the circumstances. It is much better to teach your children that you can have disagreements and resolve them politely and amicably than that you need to yell at each other or say hurtful things. And actually, just yelling "shut up" or "that's crap" can be very hurtful, it doesn't have to be personal insults.

your approach is right - there is nothing worse than repressed rage all day. They know what is happening.

Far better for them to see you argue (without insults and being respectful ie. letting the other finish a sentence) and then resolve it.

We teach by example - do we really want them to grow up being unable to express disagreement.

I htink a disagreement is fine.
Shouting is not.

Yes I think lauriefairycake puts it well, there are also different ages at which different levels of disagreemnt are appropriate.
Our children are very sensitive and will pick up on "tones" so that we can't disagree more than VERY amicably without them recognising that something is, for them, wrong. That probably influences my approach.

I'm with you on this - let them see disagreements AND the process of making up. Especially saying sorry to one another.

But there is a line, of course. Big issues, anything very serious, and lengthy chats should be done elsewhere - IMO it is about showing an example of how to behave, not giving detailed in's-and-out's of your relationship and problems, IYSWIM.

I kind of disagree, again - I think the point is to be able to disagree WITHOUT needing to lose your cool so that you NEED to say sorry afterwards. I'm not saying I always manage it, because of course there are times when I behave unreasonably or lose my temper, but I try not to do it in front of the children.
Of course if you do, then you say sorry so that they can see it is all OK again. But I don't think it's just part of family life, although I can see I am in the minority on this one!

DH never heard his parents argue or disagree in any way until he was a teenager when they were separating/divorcing. He is terrified of anger, even disagreement as he automatically thinks that it signals 'the end'. It makes it incredibly difficult to cope.

It is really important that children understand that a disagreement or argument doesn't mean that. They have to learn how to compromise, make up, and all that is encompassed in human relationships.

I grew up in a house where my parents screamed at each other constantly (they still do) and that did affect me. They can bearly haave a civil conversation. I can't bear shouting or arguing it terrifies me.

Dp grew up in a house where there was an occasional argument and then people made up. Did it affect him? Yes in that he isn't afraid of people arguing because you fight and make up again. It's healthy and doesn't mean that the world is being destroyed but you learn more how to make up again and accept it.

We disagree in front of ds but we don't have flaming rows. But tbh we don't tend to have flaming rows anyway.

I think it's healthy for DC to witness our disagreements (without nam-calling or other nasties, of course). And then see that we don't hold a grudge, sulk or carry it on later. They have to learn how to do this if they want to survive in life.

Consequently, when they have a bit of a fall-out with each other or friends, they know that it doesn't mean the relationship is over. And it helps them to know how to stand up for themselves without getting abusive.

Anyway we only argue about trivial things like whose turn it is to do a job, etc.

Agree with those saying that it's healthy for DCs to see disagreements. I also grew up with parents who never argued in front of us, and my sis and I remember picking up on bad atmospheres between our parents and feeling that something really bad must be wrong, when in fact one parent was probably just pissed off about the other not doing the laundry or some such! It's good for DCs to see that it's ok to argue and make friends again. Also agree with the poster who said it can give you unrealistic expectations of your own relationships as an adult if you never saw your parents argue as a child.

Disagreement is fine, losing temper and shouting is not.

My parents had several major rows in front of me as a child, and the whole memory stays with me. It was horrible, absolutely horrible. Dad was a bit like your dh - one wrong thing and he could lose it. My own dh isn't confrontational type and I have to say I do avoid disagreements too - just trying to avoid repetition of my own childhood I think.

The other thing that I found very difficult about my parents rows were them making comments to me and sis ('e.g. 'look how childish your father is being, he's so pathetic' etc) and trying to draw us into it and make us take sides (e.g. 'don't you agree with me?' 'surely it's just basic to do xyz you must agree with that') that was horrendous.

Where as dp's parents refused to let their children join in and take sides saying it was their argument not their childrens.

Disagreement is part of life. But very small children can't understand the difference between a healthy disagreement and a really serious situation.
With older children, well yes disagreement is healthy for them to see, but I'd rather create a relationship where serious disagreement was the exception rather than the rule.

Hiding everything from your kids is not a good idea. I have grown up without ever hearing a cross word uttered from my dad, never seen them cry or display any negative emotion. As a result, I find confrontation and handling extreme emotion very difficult and become disproportionately distressed over the simplest of arguments.
Definitely a balance thing. No need to drag kids into arguments or resort to name calling/shouting, but it is healthy to show emotions and have disagreements.