How often do you feel like a good mother?

[picklepud]

Was just reading post about mother of 4 week old struggling to bond and melt etc.
I think I am pretty devoted in lots of ways to dd but we've been through a lot of stuff in the last few years and I am terrified that it has affected our relationship - not least cos my mother was absent from me, emothinally cos severe depression and actually because hospitalised. We conceived our children through fertility treatment and took me a long time to get to grips with that - donor conception actually. Loved being mummy of baby but am not sure it wasn't the idea of being a mummy rather than the baby herself. Then had two miscarriages trying for dc 2 - an adorable 4 month old. Think I was bit depressed actually. I do look at dd with love but sometimes I think I am runnning to catch my tail so much that I don't have enough time for the melty moments. But last week eg did look at learning diary from pre school and had tears in my eyes at some of the lovely comments. I love sitting with her on my lap when have time, enjoy singing, stroking her hair, hearing her laugh, think she's beautiful but so often I am worried about whether I am doing/have done her justice and whether her erratic behaviour is cos I'm a bad mummy or just because she's three that I lose sight of the good stuff. How often do you really feel like a good mother if you are one and how much of the time is it work and worry about not doing it right? When I put it all away at the back of my mind I feel okay and everyone else seems to think I'm doing a good job - DH included.

[BettySwollux]

Sounds like your doing a fab job to me pickle.

I get caught up in the drudgery of motherhood, doing the shopping/laundry/cooking, etc, and sometimes forget to just have fun with them, but on the whole I love it.

Im not the worlds best mum, but Im good enough, and I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to be 'perfect', when such a reality probably doesnt exist.

[WinkyWinkola]

I think I'm good enough.

I think you're more than good enough, picklepud.

We're only human and for most of us, our best is good enough.

[StercusAccidit]

Sorry to hijack but betty.. i tried to get the name bettyswallox and wondered why i couldn't

[slightlyonedgemum]

I'm permanently thinking I'm not doing the right things for my son or in the right way (I'm a step mother which doesn't help).

However, my sister (who has two children) and suffers with depression reckons she's only met one Mum who thought she was good-her children lived with their father.

I think if we think we're doing a good job then we're relaxing and (probably) not being a good Mum. So far as far as I can work it out, if you keep trying you'll have a child who appreciates your love for them even if you don't get it right.

Saying that, the time my son is happiest is when we've gone food shopping, cooked lunch, done some gardening, done some maths and all sorts of other things that I think are dull. He's happy because we're all relaxed and doing it together. Whenever I make a massive effort and take him out (spend lots of money) he always seems a bit take it or leave it!

[hellymelly]

I rarely think I'm a good mother.I am too busy dwelling on how to not be so shouty and how to have a bit more patience and how to give my dd's a bit more freedom to just be themselves without me bothering about mess etc.In fact I have no idea what I am good at with them-maybe talking? I talk to them a lot.I wish I was different every single day and yet I never manage to get up to my standards!

[stealthsquiggle]

Oh there are always moments:

DS (6) in the car this evening when I had just refused to go to the shop; "You're not a nice Mummy any more"

DD (2.5) "yes you are a nice Mummy. DS don't say that"

..and a couple of hours later, DS coming up to me (unprompted) to apologise for earlier trangression (not the comment - he had run off and I bawled him out) and to tell me he loved me.

So "how much of the time" - not sure - but there are moments most days which make it worth it and remind you that you are not, in fact, doing too bad a job

(oh and OP - it's definitely because she is 3 and erratic behaviour is a core part of the job description of a 3yo )

[Hassled]

I think (and this is with the benefit of a lot of hindsight - I didn't feel like this 20 years ago when I was the clueless mother of a nightmare 1 year old):

If your child is happy the majority of the time, if your child has opinions which they are confident in sharing, if your child never doubts that they are loved, if your child knows that there are boundaries of behaviour, if your child knows that you are interested in them, then you are a good parent.

Don't over-analyse things. Every parent frets and worries and feels guilty that they could have handled something better, but the bottom line is that good parenting is quite straightforward.