I'm a bad stay at home Dad :(

[BritishBeef]

I haven't posted in quite a while but am struggling at the moment.

My DS is now 17 months and I am a stay at home Dad while my SO works hard to pay the bills.

I'm not coping too well right now. I find my DS very demanding (normal I know). He seems to cry and scream an awful lot and I am struggling to control my temper. I don't seem to cope too well with lack of sleep and that makes me have little patience.

DS wakes up every morning anytime between 4.30am and 6am (today was 4.30am). He sometimes will sleep through to 6.30-7am but that's not very often). I've tried everything to get him to sleep later but it doesn't work.

Anyway, back to me being a rubbish Dad. For example, My wife was away last night on business and this morning, after his morning nap, DS was sat with me and I removed his dummy as I don't want him to have his dummy unless it's bed time or he's very tired etc. He screamed his head off for about 5 minutes (felt like forever) and I just lost it. I shouted at him at the top of my voice to shut up and stop screaming. This of course made him scream even more and I shouted again (more at myself this time) but I swore too. DS continued to scream for another 5/10 minutes non stop. I felt bad about my shouting but could feel my temper rising more so decided it was best to leave the room and count to 20. I went up to my bedroom in a rage and slammed the bedroom door shut hard. Whilst in my bedroom, I reflected on my behaviour and nearly burst into tears at the thought of how awful I'd been to my own son.

I then thought about what the neighbours might have heard and that they were probably phoning social services to report me for abusing my son!

I just feel really bad about the way I have so little patience lately. I'm soo tired all the time. I've shouted at my son a quite a few times before too.

I'm fortunate in that he has two wonderful sets of grandparents who give me a break once or twice a week. How crap am I that even then I can't sometimes cope?

I need to change the way I react before it's too late and damage is done emotionally. At the moment I feel I'm failing miserably at being a good father.

[ssd]

you're not failing, you love your son and its obvious from your post you feel desperate. I think you need to get back to work and find a good childminder/nursery and get your life back to a bit of normality.

this is from one who beats herself up too

[Pompeygirl80]

your not the only one, i feel i am forver shouting at my 2 yr old son coz hes so demanding and wants constant interaction form me n the kids, and sometimes im so tired all i wanna do is lie on sofa, but he will continue to scream and shout ' play play' at his older siblings who are not interested in playin with him....

i also swear alot aswell coz i just get so mad i feel a bit better if i just let it out

atm my 2yo is in hos cot for time out coz i just had enough!

so ur not the only one!

i also feel like a shit mum!

[ruty]

yes a nursery might be a good idea.

Have you had any anger issues before? Might be worth talking them through with someone? I mean i know who trying a toddler can be, but you know if you are on the verge of not being able to control your temper or not. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, you are obviously a good father, and have an awareness of your behaviour when you lose your temper, which many don't. But are you happy being at home? would you rather be at work?

But hopefully some other dads will be along soon. Have you a SureStart centre in your area? they offer support and a place to play, there may be other Dads there for you to swap coping strategies with. Good luck.

[ssd]

I think we all have/have had anger issues with toddlers, they can drive you effin mental, make no mistake

have you considered going back to work?

[hereidrawtheline]

sorry I do not agree that getting back to work and finding a CM/nursery is the answer. All SAHparents struggle with things like this. Childcare isnt the only solution. Some people feel strongly that childcare is not in the child's best interests and if that is the case for this family then they can find other ways of coping.

Firstly know you are not alone. I am a SAHM of a SN child and trust me there are days I feel exactly like you in your OP. I think its natural. However it is good you have had enough reflection to realise you need to deal with your DS more constructively (I feel you, I am learning the same lessons)

You need to speak to other SAHP. You will be reassured by all of us that we all have really bad days sometimes bad weeks.

Try having things planned. It doesnt have to be out of the house even. I find if I have 1 or 2 things to do planned for each day then I dont have to think of it all under pressure when DS is kicking off. Your DS is younger than mine but there are still loads of things he would like to try. What about letting him finger paint with glue and try things like sequins, felt etc down on it. My DS is into glitter but it might be way too messy for a 17 month old so you can use bigger things. Then have story time. Get a book on fun things to do with young toddlers and choose a couple of things from it. Giant skittles go down well with my son.

A lot of the stress of being a SAHP is that its a bloody long day.

Take some time for yourself. There is nothing wrong (in my opinion) with plonking DS in front of something he can do on his own for 20 mins while you vent on MN or whatever.

This is a strange one but I found it really helps me as I like sci-fi. Imagine your child is an alien from another planet with no idea how to cope with life on earth. It adds to your sympathy for them rather than just seeing them as a screaming toddler.

[hereidrawtheline]

I am sorry I wonder if suggesting going back to work would be so readily done if it was a SAHmother not father. Read the boards. They are covered in stories of SAHM's being stressed and sometimes shouting at their fussy toddlers. Let's give this Dad a chance to have the support SAHM's are entitled to before we rule out him staying at home.

I am not against working parents at all by the way but it still seems to me that going back to work was suggested much quicker to OP than had it been a SAHM.

[hereidrawtheline]

and I think OP needs help. Shouting at toddlers is something we have all done but it isnt good. But the OP obviously knows that.

Also have you tried reaching out to other SAHDads?

[BlackEyedDogstar]

I think you are simply exhausted. I was too when ds was this age and he kept very bad hours. I sometimes morphed from a fairly cheery patient parent into a kind of rabid hideous monster.

It's hard. He eventually slept better at night, but by then he had discovered tantrums! Also very trying.

So I can only suggest you relook at your routines, make his day full of tiring activity... I'm sure you already are...and get yourself to bed (even) earlier.

good luck

[BlackEyedDogstar]

oh yes, agree, let him have the dummy!

[mumonthenet]

Don't worry, there's not a mum or dad here who can say they've never screamed their head off at irritating toddler. You did absolutely the right thing and removed yourself.

Toddlerdom is a cute phase but it's also one of the most wearing....get all the help and support you can, think about doing part-time nursery, get a definate routine of help from the grandparents...don't feel guilty that you're not some kind of superman. You are not supposed to be perfect. None of us are.

Have you read any of the books? Toddler Taming by( can't remember his name- I'll look it up)is a good one

[cory]

I agree with Hereidraw in that all sah-parents find toddlers exhausting and it does not invalidate the great job they are doing. Not a specific Dad thing, not a specific Mum thing.

What one needs is a plan to make it all a little bit bearable. I would suggest a 3-pronged approach:

first of all, re-evaluating his routiens as BlackEyed suggested. Take him places to tire him out, join a group, think about whether nap routines might be ready to change; I'd even think about giving in re the dummy tbh, not the end of the world

secondly, find a way to look after yourself. Do you get enough me-time? When he is with his grandparents, are you actually doing something fun for yourself or just slumping/trying to catch up on housework. Would an extra session at a playgroup or something help to take a bit of pressure off?

thirdly, you need a plan for those inevitable times when he is simply going to be infuriating whatever you do. I used to sing loudly during dd's whingeing, or turn some music on; also walking away sooner rather than later can help.

But don't think you have failed because you are human. Just see it as ways of making things less stressful for both of yoou.

[sandcastles]

Reflect back over the incident...was all the shouting screaming & tears [yours & his] worth it over him not having a dummy?

You say you react like that because you are tired, well getting up at 4am some mornings I am not surprised, so do you think that your LO may be tired too? Taking away his dummy was probably too much for him.

My dd had one until she was 3 [albeit for almost 2 years only when napping/sleeping]. In hind sight it may have been better to relent & give it back.

OK, so to the shouting...we all do it! I yell, too much sometimes. The important thing is that the children know it is because I am tired/stressed etc & get lots of cuddles & apologies after the event.

The sleep, are you sleeping when he does? Really, the house duties can wait! If he naps, you nap! That is what we tell any mum, so dads are no different!

You are not failing, at all! Have you heard of the phrase 'choose your battles'? Because it really does help. Let go of the non important stuff [dummy usage, maybe?] that way you will not be running yourself into the ground on the small stuff & be out of resources by the time the major issue kicks in!

[mumonthenet]

Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green...find it on Amazon.

hugs.

[hereidrawtheline]

I was referring more to the "I think you need to go back to work" comment. I just dont think it would have been the very first thing suggested had the OP been a Mum as most SAHM's agree we have horrendous days without immediately going back to work.

[ruty]

you're probably right hereidrawtheline. I suppose i am thinking of my dh if her were a SAHM. Not sure if he'd want to be, completely. I am a SAHM and my children don' go to nursery btw.

[BlackEyedDogstar]

absolutely agree with you hereidrawtheline. Weird sexism going on.

[RedMist]

Read this thread. Particularly the first half

[cory]

Yup, I think we need to recognise that if we're going to have SAHDs (which most of us probably think is a good idea) then they should be allowed to be as human as SAHMs, not some sort of supernaturally efficient creature forever proving their credentials.

[TheFirstLiffey]

You're not crap. It is hard. It's all been said, but I was a bit shoutier than I really wanted to be, especially with my elder child.

[onepieceofbrusselssprout]

My dd2 is also 17 months and it sounds as if she and your ds would get along famously.

She loves her dummy too, sometimes I yell at dh oh ffs just give it to her. (especially after tea time and the whinging grinds you down)

She also thinks that 5 am is the best time to start the day.

Like you I really have to try not to shout (and I fail sometimes).

Neither me nor dh is a sahp at the moment, although because of my shifts dh is left alone with them both a lot of weekends/evenings. (like in about 10 minutes from now)

I wonder if you are perhaps having a run of bad days rather than it being terrible all the time? That sometimes happens to us. I guess only you know if it is been a problem for ages or you are perhaps just temporarily knackered.

Would echo what others have said, get out every day. He is at an age where he might like the stimulation of a toddler group? I hate them but dd doesn't.

[BritishBeef]

WOW! What a lot of replies! Thank you. Makes me feel better to realise I'm not the monster I thought I was and that others have done the same.

I'd like to address some points:

Work - When we made the decision to start a family we always new that I would be the SAHD due to my wife's successful career. We don't feel that our child should be bought up by others so full time nursery is out (just our opinion ). My wife would love to stay at home and misses DS terribly and I wish it could be that way but this was the only way financially we could make it work.

Taking DS to playgroup etc. is something many people (including DW) have suggested. My only concern about this is being a Dad. I envisage there being only Mums there and would feel a bit of spare part.

We took him to a softplay session at our local leisure centre and he loved it so I'm happy to do that (there were other dads - although it was the weekend so maybe that was why).

With regards to tiredness, I would love to nap when he naps but then it would be like I never got a break because I would go to sleep then wake up and he'd be up again (if you see what I mean!) As far as housework goes, I'm not getting much done which is making me feel really guilty because my DW comes home to such a messy house. If I try and do the housework while he's awake DS gets really clingy and starts screaming because I've left him. I think I can only leave him alone for 10 minutes at a time (Lazytown seems to work!) b ut then he gets bored and kicks off.

Dummy - I think DS would have his dummy in all day if I let him. Maybe I should just leave him to get on with it anyway?