When I had DD, my first, I had a 'day out' at a friends house. Was very cabin fever-y as couldn't drive due to CS, DD was not a happy baby and hardly slept at all. I was given lots of cups of tea, slabs of cake and time to chat, and couldn't get swept up in washing etc as I wasn't at home...it was lovely.

With DS, now 14w, best thing anyone can do for me is take DD out for a couple of hours! he's a much happier baby and he sleeps, so I usually can nap/ do a bit of ironing/ eat cakes and crisps without toddler stealing them. The other thing was when someone just cuddled him for me and gave him back for feeds - he was born 17th Dec so I wrote the christmas cards while inlaws coo'ed over him.

I remember, both times, looking forward to when the MW and HV would stop coming, so that I could stop trying to clean so often We're back to a 'before' scene from Kim and Aggie now, heart sinks when I get unexpected visitors. I would rather go to a friends house or meet somewhere neutral with changing facilities, like a costa coffee or something.

Sleep would have helped. Someone just minding the baby for an hour while I kipped would have been wonderful!

Someone to tell me that i should just go with the flow would have been good too! I tried so hard to keep the house clean, do all the baby stuff, shop, cook, garden, iron - when really you just have to look after the baby and muddle through. YOu can't do everything to your usual standards in the early months - you end up virtually killing yourself!

I would have loved a friend without a child to offer to walk to the shops with me, the panic of "what do i do if i need a wee" or how will i cope if baby starts crying or needs changing would have been easier with a friend.
Even going out for a coffee with the baby and not have that dilema of "do i leave the baby at a table or risk spilling hot coffee all over my baby"
Actually would still be nice now lol

I wish someone had told me that other people's babies aren't as perfect as they'd like you to believe. I used to hate everyone telling me how theirs slept through from a few hours old, bf easily and quickly, etc etc. I also used to hate people telling me to sleep when ds slept. When was I supposed to do the housework, washing, cooking etc? That never worked and just made me feel more crap.

The other thing I hated was people coming to visit and then sitting down cooing over ds whilst I ran around and made tea etc. I never seemed to get a break.

Useful advice was to try and get out of the house every day even if it is just to wheel the pram around the block. Very easy to go nowhere with a newborn and then feel hemmed in and lonely.

Everyone is different of course and you have had both extremes already.

I know when DS was tiny I felt like the world's worst most useless mum.

I phoned DP at office and his boss told him to call me back from outside as I was crying so much. Before he went out to call, she told him that she had been EXACTLY the same with her first. She had apparently once phoned HER DP at office and told him to come home before she left the baby outside the house and left home!! To hear that this smart succesful mother of three that I knew so well had been a gibbering wreck too really reassured me!!

For me, help in way of someone to hold baby whilst I went to the loo- someone else to take over was just awesome
Also the friends that arrived with lunch and went straight into kitchen and made ME a cup of tea (and wiped down surfaces and loaded dishwasher hilst kettle was boiling) then gave me tea and took little man whilst I drunk it are still amongst my bestest and closest friends

I think DS was a little older before I let anyone else take him for a walk etc, but when they did it was a really fab time. I just felt like a bad mum for wanting that IYSWIM, and would have been nice to know that it didnt make me awful person at all.
Have a lovely day with your friend and her new born

Remind her that, though it feels like it, the waking up every couple hours really will not last. When you're in the middle of it it's hard to believe that the endless cycle of baby waking, being fed, burped and eventually going back to sleep before it all happening again in a couple of hours will ever end but it will. As others have said, let everything else slide - nothing more important than spending time with your baby.

What a brilliant friend you are!

I hated anyone doing anything in my house, as it was such a mess, i felt really embarrassed and freaked out when ever anyone offered to help out.. Although some friends came around with fresh crusty bread, cheese, ham and chocolate fudge cake, a bottle of wine (that i didn't get around to drinking until dd was about 11 weeks) and were just willing to sit and chat to me.

I found that i really needed to talk about the birth and how i was feeling. My family were doing my head in with their interfering and unrelenting visits, so all i wanted was to talk to someone who would understand. I felt swamped with emotion and (a little) despairing after DH went back to work, so it was a lifeline to have friends willing to come over, not judge the dust and mess and just TALK!

People are so generous when it comes to buying stuff for the new baby, and i loved and appreciated everything, but it was wonderful to be remembered and have a little gift for myself - even if it was foodstuffs!

You sound like a fab friend.. Wish I had one like you!

Ruthie22 Can't believe people are being that way with you.. Having a baby is the hardest job in the world IMO. Look around at the mess, open a bottle of wine and grab an hour to yourself. I never did that for about 3 months after DD was born, and i wish i had. These first few weeks are hard, but they are so precious. The mess isn't going anywhere! It can wait.

I was paranoid I was neglecting ds at that point if I went into a different room, couldn't cope with rocking him for hours, etc.

The most useful comment was my mum (absent-minded historian, admits knows nothing about children) assuring me that in Victorian times farm workers swaddled their babies and stuck them in the hedge to be safe, just getting them out at lunchtime and home time to feed them.

Helped me get it all into perspective and fend off PND. The people who came over after work and rocked the baby for ages were also fantastic.

Just listen to your friend and what she needs and don't vanish. I found one of the worst bits was realising how all the people who had promised they'd help wiht babysitting/care didn't do a blind thing in reality.
Luckily some people who didn't promise anything have been fantastic.

what a great thread!

it is such a relief to hear people talking about what hard work it is in the first weeks/months!

i am mummy to a gorgeous but tiring 2 and a 1/2 week old girl and am sick of unsympathetic people wondering aloud 'what it is that i actually do all day'! and implying that it is a piece of cake - one such unsympathetic person even suggested there must be something wrong with me mentally if i am finding this all hard!!

i am now looking around at the mess and i don't feel so bad!

hope your friend feels better soon, she is really lucky to have such a great friend as you!

Twims, I spose once the flow of visitors and presents stopped then there was this vacuum. For me,to get flowers out of the blue when I was having a down day made me really appreciate them (plus all my "old" flowers were well wilted!)