Top tips for toddler and new baby

[fruitstick]

DC2 is due in 4 weeks and I have convinced myself that I am the first woman to attempt to have 2 children.

DS1 is 2.8 and is a lively, boisterous thing; I worry about how I am going to entertain him and look after a newborn at the same time. I worry that either the newborn is going to be neglected or DS1 is going to suffer irreparable emotional damage

I have it on good authority that mothers have managed this in the past so I wonder if you could share your top new sibling tips with me.

My main area of concern are

• DS1 never slows down. Even if I take him out and run him ragged in the morning he is still full of energy all afternoon and has the concentration span of a flea.
• DS1 no longer has a lunchtime nap but does need one iyswim, so is overtired by teatime and prone to flinging himself about.
• How on earth do you get 2 children to go to bed at night without it taking 5 hours!

[LadyLiffey]

Don't change nappies on the sofa.



That is my number one TOP tip.

[robino]

Exciting times are ahead! I have 2 DDs aged 2 (just) and 6 months

To answer your concerns...............
1)Try getting out to mums and tots etc in the morning (says me who fails miserably a lot of the time! but mainly because I'm in a new area, still trying to find places to go and need to find some friends) Current favourite afternoon timewasters activities for DD1 are megablocks ( I sit on floor feeding dd2 and act as foreman!), aquadraw (all the fun without the mess), "just go and make me a cup of tea/ sausage/ sandwich on your new toy kitchen", playdough, "give your doll/bob the builder/hippo a bath in this SMALL bowl of water. Anything I can think of that can be done on the floor and relatively easily cleaned up (she likes messy and still thinks water is messy..)so that I can sit at her level and feed - feels a bit less left out that way I think. Oh - and Cbeebies is my friend in times of need

2) would Cbeebies work? On the sofa with a special blanket? DD1 does nap but often wakes up to early and is still tired. Can persuade her to sit on sofa if I plump the cushions and give her a special blanket - sometimes works...

Having said all of the above DD1 currently throwing complete wobbler and I have no idea what to do with her!

Oh and 3) I'm not sure if you do it on your own. We moved counties to be within a mile of OH's work and we currently have one child each policy cos dd2 needs breastfeeding to sleep in a quiet dark room and even that doesn't work most of the time!

Good luck

[BakewellTarts]

I second getting out in the mornings. We have an activity / mums group every morning DD1 is home.

Your DS1 will also be due to receive some funding for childcare / nursery from the term after they are 3. Maybe worth looking into now and getting something in place.

I also involve DD1 in caring for DD2 as much as possible. Helping me change her nappies passing me muslins etc and generally supervising.

A stock of child friendly DVDs is also useful.

I remember feeling equally nervous and worrying about how I would cope before DD2 was born and so far its been fine (I have a very similar age gap between my DCs). Best of luck.

[nicewarmslippers]

I have exactly the same gap (2.8) between my dd and ds (who is now 3 months). I was just the same! I couldn't imagine having both at home. Luckily I didn't have to have both alone untill 3 weeks post birth (couldn't have managed it as was hallucinating with lack of sleep) as kept dd in the nursary she was in before I delivered (I used to work full time). My forst day with both of them my dp said 'don't worry it has been done before' which did help. A lady in my village has 5! Infact I am still really lucky as dd goes to nursary every monring which is a god send. I think what I have found is the way to have happy days is not to expect to get much done (LOW expectations are good). Also, forget the advice to focus on the big one when the little one sleeps. For me I can do things with both (read big one a story while feeding little one etc) but for at least some of the time the little one sleeps its DVD time for big one and time to put the dinner on.....

[robino]

Yes! Low expectations. In fact my mother aparently commented to my brother that I had "done really well at lowering my expectations" - I suspect she means the house is a tip, I forget to brush my hair and the kids are always messy!

it's not always that bad - just on the really bad days!

[robino]

apparently

[fruitstick]

Reassuring, thank you.

i think I might have to start rationing cbeebies so it is more effective when it is employed!

I'm also hoping that it won't be much more tiring than being 8 months pregnant with a toddler! His newly develop night waking doesn't seem to be in sync with my own insomnia and frequent loo trips, leg cramps, heartburn.

And if I have to mend the train track one more time ....................

[beansprout]

Think of it as your new job and like any new job, it will take a while to learn the ropes.

Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Ds1 watched a lot of CBeebies in the early days and it has settled down again now. Not only are you looking after two kids, with lots of needs, you will be recovering from the birth and probably managing with little sleep. You therefore have permission to suspend normal rules/standards!!

Good luck!!

[beansprout]

PS I work 3 days a week and ds1 carried on going to nursery on those 3 days while I was off on maternity leave. I felt guilty about it but it was the only way I got through.

[CandleQueen]

Get a large sheet of hardboard and glue the train track down.

[fryalot]

Hi.

I have 14 months between my littlies

All the advice on here so far is really good, I agree with everything the others have said.

The best bit of advice I ever got on this subject was:

Let the baby cry, deal with the elder one. The baby doesn't know any different and as long as he/she is somewhere safe then they won't come to any harm for being left to cry for a little while as you sort out the older sibling. The older one, on the other hand, seeing that you always see to the baby first and ignore him/her will suffer.

It worked well for me and I never had a single instance of jealousy between the littlies.

And ds managed to get out of his babyhood relatively unscathed after being left to cry while I gave his big sister a cuddle...

(congratulations on your pg, btw )

[sheena1]

Hi you will be fine I have 2 dc'd dd 2.10 and ds 10mnths

It is very hard but if you get into a routine u should be ok I only started finding problems when ds started crawling and touching her toys now they fight like cat and dog but its great fun[Hmm]

[tvfriend]

Good to see this thread.
I have an 18mo DD and a 2 week old DS who was 5 weeks early and is TINY. DD was a bit of a nightmare to bf at first and took ages at each feed and DS is the same. Because he is so small I have to persevere to make sure he feeds from me or expressed from a bottle so can be sat there for hours.
How did you all manage to BF (if you did) and keep an eye on a toddler too? At the moment DH is here and then my Mum will be around for a bit but I just can't see that I'm going to be able to keep feeding DS for long.

[phdlife]

ooh, I'm pleased to see this - ds will be about a week short of his 2nd birthday when #2 arrives in 13 weeks and I've just started worrying thinking about this sort of thing...

[chloejessmeg]

Hi.I have been wondering the same things, I am going to have a 16 month age gap when this one arrives.

Some of the things we are planning on doing and hope they help:
-Going out to toddler groups etc in the morning where DD can play happily with the other children while I can sit and BF and have some adult coversation.
-Get a sling that I can BF in so that I can BF when out without anybody seeing and I can BF/Carry baby and still play with DD

• Freeze lots of food in advance so it just needs heating through.
• When people come to see the new baby, we are going to tell them all to make a fuss of DD as well so she doesn't get left out.
• The new baby is going to bring DD a present

[phdlife]

oh yes, all my siblings brought me a present - it was always a doll so I could play "mummy" alongside my mum and the new arrival. thought we'd try that for ds too.

[Bella73]

Yes, dd1 loved her dolly. We didn't get her one but the nursery staff (she was going 2 days a week) told me she was carrying a doll around there, putting a bag over her shoulder and calling the doll by dd2's name (aaaah) so we got her one for home and it has been good. Some people find it works brilliantly but dd1 it's a bit hit and miss, but she has been known to change the doll, bf her and take her shopping There are 15 months between mine btw, might be a bit easier with slightly older child as they are that little bit more capable of entertaining themselves...

Yes, key for my sanity DD1's enjoyment is getting out every day that I have the two girls. I tried to get out by 10am and that really did help - playgroup, soft play in the village hall, etc.

[Bella73]

Chloejessmeg - DD1 was never really jealous of the presents as she just assumed they were all for her anyway and always opened DD2's presents. A newborn doesn't really care one way or the other!

Sling was great but then it led to a renewal of DD1's fascination with slings "mummy, me in sling, me sling, sling SLING SLING MEE EEEEEEEEE" etc etc. Sigh. I had an Ergo and a pouch sling so I could carry either of them in the same sling - that way DD1 could choose if we were out and about (sling or buggy) and I avoided tantrums.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

I can help with the bedtime dilema. Ditch the baby bath and get one of those seats for the baby so he/she can go in the big bath.

Bathe both dc together. Don't worry baby won't mind a bit of splashing from DS. Encourage DS to help bath the baby and wash himself, so that he feels like the big boy.

Get baby out of the bath first and wrap in a towel on the bathroom floor. Then get ds out and wrap in a towel. Carry baby to bedroom and let ds walk like 'a big special boy, silly baby can't walk yet'

Dress and feed baby. Put baby to bed. Take DS to his own room and let him have warm milk and a bedtime story for being such a good boy and helping mummy with the baby.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Oh and the more you big up the 'mummy's special helper' bit. The less you will have to do yourself.

[suwoo]

My biggest worries for when my 3rd arrives in Aug (DS will be 2.8 too) are the fact that I am having a section, so things will be a bit more limiting. Also DS is still in our bed and shows no signs of shifting. I'm not even concerned about the daytimes, because I am anticipating the nights being hell .

[EachPeachPearMum]

suwoo- will DS maybe think about moving out of your bed as your bump gets bigger, and there is less room? (I am assuming he has his own bed, but just doesn't use it, forgive me if I'm wrong)

I think Squonk's advice is excellent- I will be applying that in the next couple of weeks, I'm sure... just hope I'm strong enough to leave my newb to cry....

[suwoo]

Yes, he does have his own cot. He was kicking off this afternoon and I left him to cry for the 1st time and he actually fell asleep! I was stunned! I have never wanted to let him cry before, but now time is against me somewhat. I was coming in and out of his room, but it was a massive thing for me. That might give me some impetus to persevere with him now.

[Mumwhensdinnerready]

I had a 2 year gap.
Don't worry about neglecting baby, he won't remember that you weren't as attentive to him as you were to his brother. I found that given a choice between a crying baby and a crying toddler i tended to sort out the toddler first. By which time the baby had invariably dropped off to sleep.

Perfect the art of entertaining from the sofa. While you sit feeding baby, have some music on and encourage toddler to dance or jump or generally use up energy.

Sibling jealousy manifested differently than I expected. Instead of resenting the baby (he adored him) DS1 resented me. I was nasty mummy. His dad took on a lot of the strain as well. I did night shift with the baby and DH went in the spare room with the toddler.

[bessmum]

Great thread Fruitstick, thanks for posting it! Currently finding my feet with 8 week old DS and 20 month old DD. Good tips above! "Mummy's little helper" works really well with my toddler. She does get a bit jealous when I BF the baby but as Mumwhensdinnerready said this manifests as anger with me not baby. DD loves her dolly and copies me changing dolly's nappy etc. Also has to have her nappy changed every time baby does. I have to leave DS to cry sometimes so that I can see to DD but in some ways I think this has helped DS get off to sleep, but I do feel guilty. I just keep reminding myself that feeling guilty is part of being a mum, that coping with 2 is hard work and that at the end of each day I've done a great job to get through. (May be I'm kidding myself but why not?) Bathtimes are fun even without DH about, you'll find them a lot better than you imagine.

Suwoo, I had a section too, if you've not had one before my best tip is to get yourself up and about as soon as you possibly can, do your exercises and force yourself to walk and stand tall. I was able to carry DD (then 18 months) by week 2 and so far have had no probs.

The hardest bit I've found is that I can't seem to get the baby in to any sort of routine, coping with DD's needs first . I think this has contributed to DS waking more at night for feeds but so far I'm happy to go with the flow unless anyone has any great tips?

Good luck