Why will DP not spend any quality time with ds? Bit long...

[aideesmum]

My ds is nearly 4 and since he was born it is always me that cares for him. For example: DP probably changed no more than 10 nappies since ds was born, he's never bathed him and I'm the one who always puts him to bed. Is it because I'm soft and love doing all these things that he doesn't bother?!
I feel so sad that DP doesn't have a brilliant relationship with him . I am always telling ds how much I love him and he says it back to me but he doesn't say it to dp.
For christmas we bought ds a train set with the reasoning that it will be something dp and ds do together - well that's not happening. Last night dp set it up but left ds to get on with it, then shouted at ds when he crashed the train .
dp has another ds (9) who lives 140 miles from us but doesn't seem to want to visit him?
It is because he didn't grow up with his father and doesn't know how to be? I;m at a loss.
I just don't understand and dp doesn't talk about this (doesn't see it as a problem).
Anyone in a similar situation?

[WhatsTheBloodyPoint]

"It is because he didn't grow up with his father and doesn't know how to be? I;m at a loss."

That bit sounds like it m ight hit the nail on the head. Not sure what's for the best though. for you.

[cestlavie]

How is your DP with affection generally? Towards you? Towards the rest of his family?

Not sure it's not growing up with his father - I know a couple of guys from back home who grew up with no, or very little, contact with their fathers and they have very strong relationships with their sons.

[rubyslippers]

talk to him

have you ever left them for any length of time? Say for an afternoon and see what ahppens?

TBH, if he has only changed 10 nappies and never bathed him, then you have enabled him to do this to a certain extent (I don't mean this horribly)

[rubyslippers]

and i agree with Cestlavie about the father thing as well

[mrsmaidamess]

Does he do so little because you do so much? Or is it the other way round? Some men see their wives coping and doing everything so well, they feel pushed out/or grateful that someone else is doing it all for them.

[Miggsie]

It does sound like he has no fathering/parenting model.
He probably is scared but won't admit it.

Does he mix with other dads?

[aideesmum]

He's not really that affectionate towards me and definitely not to his family.

Nursery are having a training day on 2nd Feb so will be closed and I told him to take the day off work to look after him and he agreed - I'm hoping that will do some good.

I know I've let him get away with not doing these things and have to be tough to get him to do his equal share. We both work full time and when we get back it seems to be up to me to feed him etc each night.

I did have a moan at him yesterday and he then started playing with ds , will have to do that more until I don't need to moan I guess.

[luckylady74]

I think this can be rescued. Can they do something like swimming lessons or football club on a saturday morning? They need time away from you because I suspect your dh will always defer to you if you are there -patterns are hard to break so start a new thing. Work up to a day away for you - make up an excuse that means you can't take ds with you.
Does he feel shut out by his eldest ds's mum or her new dp - perhaps he feels like he's intruding/ bothering/ doesn't know what to say, perhaps he feels guilt about how they ended?Lots of men lose touch with their children. Can you arrange stuff with him?
I know 2 sets of father and sons who are just starting doing stuff together now the child's over 5. I don't think this is that unusual.
I have always demanded and expected absolute equality of childcare with dh - thankfully he wants to do it - for you, but I think there is hope.

[cestlavie]

Despite not even pretending to be a psychologist, I suspect the fact that he doesn't show affection to you or his family means that it's not that surprising he doesn't show towards his son. If he is the sort of person who struggles to show or feel affection that then it will always be difficult for them to bond the way you would like. Does he say or do anything which suggests affection or love for DS (e.g. proud of him doing certain things, says things to you) or he is wholly disinterested?

[aideesmum]

He just expects so much from ds and I have to remind dp that he is only 3 and won't understand the things he expects him to.
Maybe when he gets a bit older that might change their relationship but something needs to happen before that.

[Kammy]

Agree with many others - he may not have an idea of what to do.

I have also noticed that many men struggle to 'play' with their children in the way that mothers do. My dh goes a bit stir crazy if he is left in the house with ds. I encourage them to do things outside, with a focus, like football, cycling, swimming, and they both get a lot out of it.

Worth a try?

[woodstock3]

if he doesnt spend much time with your ds then he will not have a very good idea of what your ds should/shouldn't be capable of at this age or what he likes and therefore his expectations will be a bit off (like you said about the trainset). that may set up a vicious circle where he tries to play with your ds; it ends in tears because he's a bit unreasonable about what he expects; your dp feels rejected; and he doesnt want to try again. think this might have more to do with it than the lack of a father growing up although this obviously doesnt help.
but it's worth persevering. dh has done one full day's childcare a week ever since i went back to work (we work different days) and it was a struggle at the start for him. buit he didnt have any choice and now they have a great time. practice helps, as does letting him choose what he wants to do with ds - at first i tried to encourage dh to do things i did with ds, like painting or cooking or rhyme time classes or playgroups which dh hated.
instead they seem to do a lot of rolling around on the carpet, a lot of v muddy things and a lot of ds being carted along to look at things dh is interested in involving cars( but which turn out usually to be highly interesting to ds too ). ds benefits from a change and dh has more fun. worth letting them do things you dont always entirely approve of (as long as they're safe obviously).
also are there any other dads and sons you know that your dp could say go with to the park to play football? my dh always becomes a much more 'hands on' father when competitively pitted against another dad

[meandjoe]

not having his father around might be his reason but it's not a good enough one! my dh idn't have his dad around much when he was younger but he always has time with ds, changed as many nappies as i have and on the days he's not working he baths him/ puts him to bed. deffinitely talk to him or else ds will suffer and it's not fair on you.