I think I expect too much from my baby :(

[dontbitemytoes]

dd is 16months old and very demanding bright . I work 3 days per week to keep my sanity and absolutely love the time we spend together.

However, i feel that I am becoming increasingly hard on her, and am becoming the kind of person I don't want to be.

For example, we go to take the dog for a walk, dd starts off in pushchair, but quickly decides she wants to walk, all the way there, and all the way back - about 2 miles at a guess. So we get home and she runs to the front door and holds her hand out for me to help her up the step. As soon as she holds on to my hand she takes all feet off the floor and hangs on to me. Now I know she is just playing and is probably tired, but i am trying to get her, the dog and the pushchair in the house and I end up saying in a firm voice "put your feet on the floor please dd and walk properly" , or when she is playing shouting to her "if you want your dinner dd you'd better shut that cupboard door and come and sit down please"

i realise in the great scheme of things that this is not bad, and I'm just being firm, but I feel so awful expecting so much from her (she usually complies btw) can anyone offer me some perspective on this? Sould i be allowing her to play and mess around, or is it ok to expect some conformity for certain things?

TIA

[Chatkins]

I think thats fine as long as you are not saying it all the time, I mean, if sometimes you are just giggling along and being silly with her, rather than getting serious. But I think its fine for toddler to start to learn boundaries etc at this age, and they also need to start to learn that mummy is only human, and is sometimes tired, grumpy etc. You sound lovely to me, and I am getting worried about the way I get angry with my middle child at the moment. She is 4 though, but we are like red rags to each other at the moment, and I know I;m wrong and feel like a bad parent at the end of each day !

[thisisyesterday]

i think it's far too early to expect any conformity from her! she's only a baby still. she has no idea what "put your feet on the floor and walk properly" means.

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

This is like a mirror on my own life, except that you're 1 week behind me!

I realised exactly the same about my 2 yo - he talks really well and used to be more compliant when he was about your DD's age, but now, dammit, he has a mind of his own! How jolly dare he?!

My answer is, take things at her pace when you're with her. Stop, observe and pick up on what you observe. Be gentle - she's only been alive for a few months!

My relationship with DS (which became quite tense whenever I'd ask him to do things - he'd thrown toys and shout "no!" - very out of character) has been transformed by this approach.

By the way, it doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries or have any expectations of your DD, just that you're more sensitive to her perspective - and are more circumspect about when you do and don't insist on things.

Have fun!

[cmotdibbler]

I go for the picking your battles approach. If she doesn't want to go in the pushchair when out for a walk, don't take it - one less thing to worry about too (you might want to get a sling for in case she needs a carry). Swinging up the steps is OK - tell her you need to open the door first, shove dog in, and play swinging. Dinner - I'd give her notice that dinner will be ready in a minute, then go and get her.

For instance, we allow wiggling about in restaurants before the meal and between courses, but 2.7 yr old DS is expected to sit still during food. Crossing the road/near road, he has to hold hands, but otherwise, he can play at being a train or whatever as long as he stays near. A friend expects her DD to sit still all the time, and walk 'nicely' beside her, which means she ends up picking her up on things all the time

[dontbitemytoes]

ahh chatkins thank you you sound lovely too, and aren't middle children supposed to try your patience?! If its any consolation my mum and I were always at each others throats (too similar but we're best of friends now)

I do have a giggle with dd, and we often play together, tickle, pretend to ride horses round the lounge etc, but I am rather impatient and get irritated quickly if she doesn't conform I don't want her to grow up feeling constrained, but at the same time I don't want her to run riot all over me (which she could well do yet ). Its hard this parenting lark isn't it?

[dontbitemytoes]

oooh sorry i took so long to type, lots of others had replied .

I think I probably do need to relax a little more with her, hence the post. It's just so difficult when I am a very organised person who fills their days . you have all given me good hints though, and confirmed to me what I realised

I will set more space aside for playing and messing around in the future, and the giving the warning is a good idea, thank you.

[megcleary]

dear dontbitemytoes why have you moved into my head and started typing my thoughts
my dd 16mo is the as yours

wants to walk and then drops to knees but then when i pick her up says down please and the cycle goes on

i have no advice but wanted to empathise

in my tiny brain i am thinking it is just her getting older and testing her boundries i was just spoiled by her always doing whta she asked in the past few months

[ilovelovemydog]

She's 16 months and walks 2 miles?

[Chatkins]

My ds is 19 mo and if I let him will walk to school and back, which equals two miles.
DD1 was the same - hated buggy with a passion,wanted to walk everywhere.
Its easier with the first though, as you can let them do it, you have more time !
When its on the school run, or whatever, its really annoying ! Ds is always screaming, walk walk !

[Monkeytrousers]

buy this book now. It will save you an awful lot of this and help you adjust your expectations and make them age approproate www.amazon.co.uk/gp/offer-listing/0380811960/ref=dp_olp_1/280-2501214-1239108?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

Dontbite, don't be about it - this is a wonderful, liberating moment in your relationship! From today onwards, things will work better!

Also you get to practise a new side of you which until now you appear to have shunted into the background - the chilled-out mummy.

I had a friend once who was so 'task oriented' that she'd wake her 6 month old baby from a nap so as to make an important appointment...for coffee 10 mins down the road! She'd always get irritated when we'd text her to say 'I'll be late...baby still sleeping'. There are benefits to be had from both being organised and being chilled out - in the right proportion, at the right time. The trick is working out those two measures of proportion and time so that you get it right. Practice makes perfect.

Have fun - from now on you'll start discovery loads more about your DD because you'll be stopping to observe her more. How brilliant is that?!

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

also - no disrespect to Monkeytrousers (hi, Monkster!) but unless you're excessively anally retentive I don't think you need a book. You're already aware that you're expecting too much, so that's more than half the battle won.

[morningpaper]

blimey I think you are being overly-critical of yourself

If she UNDERSTANDS what you're saying then I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell you what to do and to expect her to comply

I am much bloody harsher than this with my children, even at that age

[morningpaper]

and yes I want conformity

sorry but I'd rather be able to spend a nice lunch out with my toddler who knows that she has to sit down and behave at the table instead of allowing her to be "creative" when we're eating

[dontbitemytoes]

haha megclaery perhaps we are one and the same person?! perhaps we should meet for a coffee with our non-conforming children to discuss how to get them to behave whilst letting them express themselves

she took her first steps just before 10 months so she's had a long time to work up to the 2 miles

i guess there are lots of different opinions on here because thats the nature of parenting, and what makes people different, but I am ashamed to say I am the mother who would pick her sleeping baby up from a nap and put her in the pushchair to make a coffee date

perhaps i need to evaluate my whole parenting approach....

but then am i losing myself to my child - i would like a balance. oh god this is sooo difficult

[morningpaper]

aw dontbite, do you have many other mummy-friends? I really think you are over-thinking the whole thing.

[morningpaper]

"I am ashamed to say I am the mother who would pick her sleeping baby up from a nap and put her in the pushchair to make a coffee date "

See I don't GET the problem here?!?!?! or even any theoretical problems...

[megcleary]

DBMT it is difficult and as DH says it is meant to be the hardest thing we will ever do

it is so cute when she tan tu when you give her the nana she asked for and i am sure there are much harder bits ahead

but i am trying to keep a it will sort itself out in the end mind

she is generally an angel outside the house nursery staff occasionally threaten to take her home so she is testing us as she trusts us which is great a privilage and they way it should be

i think it just involves wine when she is in bed to relaxxxxx

[Northernlurker]

Thing is - you'll be actively parenting for what 16-18 years - and then aprenting at a distance for the rest of your life. You've got to roll with the punches or you won't last the distance (I know that's a mixed metaphor!) It's great to know what sort of parent you want to be - but you don't know what sort of children you're going to hatch - so don't make your decisions based on what works for someone else. Nobody else will be there when you have the 15 round fight over toast or putting shoes on or coming in late/early. Look at you child - you are giving her boundaries because it works for you and she is mostly complying which is great - so it works for her. You aren't expecting too much - together you are working out how you want to do this relationship - things will change as you both grow but don't feel guilty - you love her, you care for her, she's safe and happy. You are doing a good job.

[morningpaper]

good post NL

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

DBMT - you don't need to change your whole personality, but it sounds as though you would benefit from relaxing about things from time to time. People who are primarily task-oriented (as opposed to people-oriented) tend to get a strong sense of gratification and achievement from doing stuff, but (to continue talking about my former friend) sometimes that can be at the cost of their relationships. Not that the relationships die, but they can often end up overlooking other people's feelings in their eagerness to get things done. This results in hurting those people and (sorry if it sounds heavy) it does damage that relationship a wee bit every time that happens. I speak from experience of being on the receiving end!

So the ideal is to find a balance. Don't stress about it, and don't see it as another task to be achieved. Just ask yourself: 'What would I normally do in this instance?' and then try out doing it differently or the opposite way - you'll surprise yourself, you'll find some new discoveries (both good and bad) and then you'll ultimately be in a much better position to decide what sort of person/ mother/ partner/ whatever you want to be, rather than doing things the same old way just because that's the way you've always done it.

If you want a book to help you do things differently, try 'The No Diet Diet' - the diet thing is a bit of a misnomer as it's really a great, structured guide to explore new sides of yourself. I'm using it at the moment, and ironically my task today is all about being more/ less organised according to one's personality!

[dontbitemytoes]

ok you're right, i am over thinking it, and i am generally happy with how dd is doing and the fun we have together. i think i shall just try to curb my impatience and balance and order shall be returned And i do have other friends with children, but their children seem so laid back compared with mine!! they can actually have a conversation without setting their child a task!!

morningpaper, i didn't see putting her in a pushchair when asleep a problem either, but perhaps we are in the minority with that one?

am going to try out everyones ideas tomorrow and see if we have a happier day, with me being less imaptient

[dontbitemytoes]

NL and mrsgrouchomarx, thank you, i will think things through and try and be more people-oriented. i think I am at risk of putting what I want before dd's feelings, so i do need to reassess a little, whilst still maintaining my happiness. thank you for your insights

[morningpaper]

MrsGroucho I can tell you have been Reading Books. I take your point that task-oriented people can be more crabby but actually I think that you have to allow YOURSELF to BE YOURSELF in parenting. I'm never going to be happy if I'm on the floor playing with children all day. I Get Things Done, that is very much me, and I am pretty strict. But I think that you can be like that without damaging that relationship every time that happens: being open about your feelings and being able to self-deprecate is important too. And stuff does need to get done, or everyone's relationship with everyone will suffer.

OP: seriously, if you can walk for 2 miles with a dog and a toddler, you already have the patience of a saint

[dontbitemytoes]

thanks mp. no saint patience here, and no jobs done either due to demanding child, but hopefully I shall be less irritated tomorrow....or at least happy that I am expecting things from my child because they are necessary, not just because I am a disciplinarian!