Dh moved us to Oxfordshire, children just settling in.......

[petitfiloudanceswithreindeers]

but he isn't happy and is applying for his Consultant post to be back in London (he is a doctor).

We have three under 5s (inc a small baby) and have been here since April. I had to work from home to come here, although am currently not working due to being on mat leave. I am just starting to make friends and settle in. When I go back to work I will have to carry on working from home which is not ideal as I miss seeing my colleagues and am being passed over for things as I can't do them from home. Ds1 has just started school and seems very comfortable there and dd will start in Sept 2009.

This is a longterm question but what would you do, aim to stay and have dh commute (meaning 6am starts for him) or move back? Has anyone been in a similar position? I have 18 months before any change is likely to kick in.....

[cmotdibbler]

Depends really - is he unhappy in his job because it's not London, or specifically the job ? Do you think that you might all schlep back, and then find that he's not happy again and want to move somewhere else ? Do you like living outside London ?
It's also not a very long time to have settled into a new job - I always reckon that you need to have at least a year to decide whether you are just being irritated by things that are different to what you are used to, or whether it is truly a problem.

When relocating, we draw up lists of the things that are important to us, and trade them off - we also commit to stay in the relocation area for a few years before thinking about moving again, else we could do this continually

[Anna8888]

I think that a 6am start and commuting (day in, day out, year in, year out) is absolutely horrendous and I wouldn't want anyone in my family to go through this. But of course you may have good financial reasons (larger house, garden) for wanting to live outside London. What are the advantages and disadvantages for your family?

[edam]

Sounds like you'd all be better off moving back, tbh. 6am starts will place a huge strain on both of you (because you'll get the fall out from a knackered, grumpy dh). Ds will adjust to moving schools. Far better to move than stay and be miserable.

[petitfiloudanceswithreindeers]

Specifically the job

I like some things about living outside London but I miss walking to places and I miss my job (and I miss the shops!)

He has made up his mind - I saw a letter to his big boss on the desk last night outlining his plans and asking for the go ahead

We wouldn't be able to afford to live in London - would have to live somewhere just outside I should think and I don't think we'd get our money back on the house in the current climate (this is the first house we've bought as we've rented up til now)

[elliott]

Not clear from your op whether your dh has a permanent consultant post in oxfordshire, or if he is applying for consultant posts atm from a locum or training post.
Think obviously you both need to sit down and have a proper talk through with this - what is best for him and his job, for you and your job, and for you as a family and your quality of life. Its not easy balancing everyone's needs and compromises are always needed.
Having said that I personally would not like a life with a dh working a long way from home. Plus,what sort of consultant is he - does he not need to be within reach of the hospital to be on call? or would he have to stay away from home - that would be another minus point as he may end up being away an awful lot.
I think your kids are of an age when moving is really quite easy for them, but obviously you need to end up somewhere where you are happy with schooling.

[petitfiloudanceswithreindeers]

elliott - he is currently a cardiology SpR but complicated by the fact that he is also in the RAF. He's lucky in that several places have made noises about wanting him as a Consultant - I don't think he's going to struggle to get a post. He will need to be within reach of the hospital for his on calls so yes would have to be away for those. He's already away a hell of a lot with study/courses/ and I hate it. I also hate moving and found this last move very very stressful (possibly complicated by being pregnant with dc3 at the time)

I don't think the 6am starts will work longterm and that is what it comes down to in the end - I don't want to be on my own all the time or have a destroyed dh. I suppose it depends on whether we can sell the house when the time comes though.

[IwishIwasaStockingStuffer]

My DP got his consultant post in March, we decided that he would apply basically everywhere and wherever he got a job is where we would move to.

We coincidentally now live 20 minutes from my parents, they are very helpful though!

I just wanted to say that we live in the specified distance from the hospital and even then I find it a bit of a strain when he is doing his week on call. I would hate for him to be away for a whole week living at the hospital, it would be difficult for him too, no getting away from work at all and not seeing the DC's.

I also worked in Oxford, I understand where your DH is coming from, I found the hospital very strange.

[BoccaDellaNativita]

I think you're right to rule out the long-distance commuting. I used to have a colleague who commuted 100+ miles a day supposedly for the sake of his children (so that they could stay in their schools) but as he scarcely saw his children when they were awake I was never sure that they really benefitted from the arrangement, which must also have been very tough on his wife (and him too).

What concerns me most about your post is that you learnt of your husband's plans by finding a letter on his desk. These big decisions really need to be taken as a family, taking everyone's needs into account. You seem to be fairly comfortable with the idea of moving back but your husband shouldn't (in my view) be taking that for granted. Cmot's pros and cons exercise sounds very useful for clarifying what you want, need or are prepared to accept.

[petitfiloudanceswithreindeers]

IwishIwereastockingstuffer - interesting what you say about the hospital in Oxford - I wonder why that is. The funny thing is that my dh doesn't even like London - he loves the countryside - but he has seemed far happier in the hospitals there than anywhere else...

Bocca - you have summed it up for me in your first sentence. I think the long distance commuting is a no win situation for both of us.

He did discuss the possibility of going back to London with me so I didn't find out about it in a letter as I did know he had at least thought about previously. I didn't know he had firmed his ideas/plans up to that extent though. He was the one who thought of the commuting idea as he felt it wasn't fair on the rest of us to move again. I think you are all right though, I don't think it will work I have tried SO hard here to make friends and fit in. Can't quite believe I will have to do it all again in two years time as that was exactly what I wanted to avoid - I told him when we moved here I wanted to settle down!