Stupid threats you've used that you can't possibly carry out...

(72 Posts)
Habbibu Fri 05-Dec-08 19:31:28

dd (2) pissing about at bed time, trying to play with my scarf while I'm trying to brush her teeth.

Me (casting about frantically for some leverage in the situation) If you don't stop that ... you can't have any stories again EVER.

Fast forward 13 years

Teacher "Why have you not read Wuthering Heights, LittleHab?"

LittleHab "My mother banned me from all works of fiction at the age of 2, Miss. I'm not sure if the ruling includes non-fictional stories, but I've been ruling out biography, all the same."

IotasCat Fri 05-Dec-08 19:35:24

(to the DSes)I am going to sell you on eBay and get two nice little girls instead

SpacePuppy Fri 05-Dec-08 19:38:02

counting to 10. Ds usually helps me count and when I get to 8,9,10 he runs like mad to do what I asked. I've to this day not worked out what I will have to do if I get to 10 and he doesn't respond.

BroccoliSpears Fri 05-Dec-08 19:40:15

Me: Do you WANT me to get cross dd?
Dd: YES!!! grin
Me: Oh. Well. Um. I'm... err... I'm not going to. Ha!

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen Fri 05-Dec-08 19:43:02

we have an agreement that when it gets too much I ban them from silly things which makes us all laugh and stops tension

'ds1 yu're banned from breathing for 2 hours!' usually does it LOL

misdee Fri 05-Dec-08 19:44:31

dd2 slamming doors the other day 'IF YOU TRAP DD'S FINGERS THEN I'LL TRAP YOUR BUM!'

i have no idea what i was going to say, but it made dd2 go to her room quietly lol.

my sister was in fits of laughter at the other end of the phone.

RubyRioja Fri 05-Dec-08 19:46:08

Dh regularly threatens to cancel Xmas

AliEightMaidsAMilking Sat 06-Dec-08 11:24:59

Not sure if this really applies, but I used to work at a hotel, and got a very funny phone call one night:

Me: Good evening, this is XXX. (hear loud crying in background)
Person: Hello, is this Disney World?
Me: Er...
Person: I'm just calling to say that if my children don't eat their vegetables in the next 5 minutes, we won't be coming to visit this summer
Me: Er...
Person: (whispers) Thank you.

kiltycoldbum Sat 06-Dec-08 11:28:52

not my dc's but when we were little i used to tell my little brother that if he didnt go to sleep on xmas eve father christmas would chop his willy off and that is how girls became girls, we (girls) were caught still being awake when santa came grin evil, but worked a treat as i was only allowed back downstairs if i got him to go to sleep.

we laugh about it now, was funny.

kiltycoldbum Sat 06-Dec-08 11:29:39

its absolutely not true though as far as im aware! grin

AlistairSim Sat 06-Dec-08 11:37:23

If you don't put your tummy away, I'm going to eat it.


hecAteAMillionMincePies Sat 06-Dec-08 12:07:52

spacepuppy - snap! grin in fact, I too joke about it "I hope I never get to 10, cos I've got nothing! grin

I also threaten to grab them by the ankles and swing them round grin when they are being cheeky but that's 'playful angry', not angry angry, iyswim. grin They are very disappointed that I haven't done it yet!

Niecie Sat 06-Dec-08 12:20:36

Oh dear, I must be an awful parent, I think I have done several of these.blush

I have threaten to sell the 2 DSs on ebay and swap for 2 girls.

I have banned them from breathing.

I have threatened to eat tummies.

I have also threatened to lock them in their rooms (there are no locks on the door) and to cut off DS1's nose, if he does didn't stop sniffing and post it to outer Mongolia.

Counting to 10 always works for DS1 but never for DS2 and I always get stuck for something useful to threaten him with.

Niecie Sat 06-Dec-08 12:24:12

Oh dear whilst sat at the computer typing my last post DS2 just found my old instant camera and wanted to take a picture. I told him if he did he would have to give me £1 because it is very wasteful and the pictures were expensive.

Quite a threat you would have thought - but no, he has taken the picture and now brought a £1 up to me.

I don't think threats work on him somehow.hmm

LadyPenelope Sat 06-Dec-08 12:25:29

Put DS in box with holes in top and send him to the zoo.

DD's godfather threatens to sell her for medical experiments if she misbehaves...

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch Sat 06-Dec-08 23:23:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Colditz Sat 06-Dec-08 23:28:41

If you don't stop talking I will ear your brains through your ear.

"I'm going to count to 3 if its not done there'll be trouble! 1.......2......"

I'm never sure what the trouble will be but luckily we've never had to find out grin

DoNotsAntlers Sat 06-Dec-08 23:33:46

I know I have loads I could post...but I can't think of them right now.

Other than the obvious "we won't go (on teh already booked and paid for) holiday" or Santa won't come

Or "I will throw that (really expensive toy) in the bin"

Jackstini Sat 06-Dec-08 23:36:25

dd naughty going to bed tonight - dh called the house phone from his mobile and said "that's Santa calling - shall I tell him you are going to sleep like a good girl or to give all your presents to your cousins!" shock blush

quint Sat 06-Dec-08 23:40:27

my mum used to threatem that she wouyld rip my arm off and bash me with the soggy end, have used that one on DD1, DD2 still too young

Habbibu Sun 07-Dec-08 13:50:17

AliEightMaids - that's fantastic. I love the whispered Thank You at the end. Do you think they just called a random number?

Boobalina Mon 08-Dec-08 12:36:31

To DS (nearly 4) if he doesnt put his shoes on for school I will buy him big babies booties and he will have to wear them....

If he eats food with his fingers (ie, roast dinner, soup) I will snip them off and feed them to the birds, and that where all bird food comes from - naughty childrens fingers....

That i'll smack his bum if he does XYZ again (i dont)

2AdventSevenfoldShoes Mon 08-Dec-08 12:51:32

to give her to charity

RubyrubytheRubynosedReindeer Mon 08-Dec-08 12:53:47

"If you're not ready for school in 2 minutes I am going without you" hmm - not sure what the point in actually going would be?

victoriaplum08 Mon 08-Dec-08 16:06:13

quint that is very evil (but funny!) grin

TheChristmasArmadillo Mon 08-Dec-08 16:25:47

I remember a woman I knew at uni told me when her dd was young (her dd was grown up with her own kid by this point) she was having probs with her behaviour, and made herself a resolution that she would stop making threats that she couldn't follow through on.

That night her dd wouldn't eat her dinner, not thinking she said 'if you don't eat it I'll shove it up your nose' - obv didn't work and she remembered her promise earlier. She grabbed a pea and made towards her dd. As she put her hand on her dd's head, her dd gave in and ate all her dinner.

SHe said to me she didn't know what she would have done if her dd hadn't caved in before she did grin

I loved that story - the lady in question found out she had terminal cancer soon after telling me that story. I only saw her once again before she died, with her (now in her 40s) dd. I remember looking at her dd remembering that.

It always makes me smile adn think of someone I hardly got a chance to know.

PinkPoinsettias Mon 08-Dec-08 16:27:38

'if you keep this up i'm going to put you back out in the car' to ds while in the supermarket with just me and him hmm

have also threatened to ebay him and leave him in various shops and buildings and at home blush

told dd earlier that if she hit me with her wand one more time i'd hit her with it blush... my parenting skills are lacking but thankfully haven't actually stooped to beating her with sticks yet so not sure what the point in saying that was....

Ruby - I say that too. And what would be the point of going? One of my other favourites is 'I am leaving for school in 5 minutes and if you are not dressed then I am taking you exactly as you are' Can you imagine if I turned up to school with a 7yo wearing a pair of pants, one sock and a pj top?

Always threatening to sell them on ebay, often as a buy one get one free deal.

Some of these made me snort with laughter (particularly Misdee and Kiltycoldbum)

I used to tell my younger cousins that if they didn't behave I would phone the men in white coats to come and take them away grin

Yesterday I was really cross with DS (2yrs) so I said 'Do you want to go in your cot?', he said 'Yes, very tired'.

He wasn't tired but I couldn't carry out threat either cos I was laughing too much.

PinkPoinsettias Mon 08-Dec-08 16:39:40

wilkie.... i usually never threaten dd with bed but got so cross with her recently for tantrumming all the way home i sent her up to bed at 2pm... she curled up and slept til 5.30 shock

now she asks to go to bed in the middle of the day when i give out to her hmm

silentnightplease Mon 08-Dec-08 16:44:05

blame - I say that to DS almost daily - not sure Nursery would accept him in a state of undress! Only this morning I said - do you want to go to nursery in your jammies - of course he said yes please then proceeded to throw a strop because I wouldn't let him - oh the mixed messages!!

DD who is 10 is often told, I'm going to pick up everything on your bedroom floor and put it in a bin bag. Can tell she is heading for teensville, last time I said it she said - good, it will save me the job then!!!

(Sobs at lack of respect!)

jempurd Mon 08-Dec-08 18:23:35

I think you'll like this one.

My dd (4y then) was being a complete brat. He only cared about money at the time, so I said 'if you carry on like this I'm going to take your £3 and keep it'

His instant and competely meaningful reply was......

'That's ok Mummy, buy yourself something nice'

Where could I go from there?!

PinkPoinsettias Tue 09-Dec-08 14:32:49

grin jempurd..... that's sweet and annoying all at the same time!

Tortington Tue 09-Dec-08 14:35:43

my kids should be mentally scarred.

stop playing with your didge, it will fall off.

to teens

i swear to god i will bounce you up and down the bleedin' street ( they all tower me i am midget)

nickytinseltimes Tue 09-Dec-08 14:39:24

Pmsl at these.

I frequently tell ds (2.4) that if he doesn't get his coat on, he can't go out with Granny.

Over my dead body...

GooseyLoosey Tue 09-Dec-08 14:39:37

Dh to ds "Stop that or come here for a sound thrashing".

Ds to dh in very public place "Can I have my thrashing now daddy?"

DippyDino Wed 10-Dec-08 12:53:53

Give over Dd Dino or I'll give you a bunch of fives and a bish bash bosh!

(I am most non-violent peace lovin hippy type EVER!)

Shes 2.8years and saying this has earnt me some odd looks in the soft play centre...

emilyandjohn Wed 10-Dec-08 21:46:20

To DS when he was about 2.6 "If you don't get ready for bed now I'll start diz [breastfeeding] without you". The threat worked...

gremlindolphin Thu 11-Dec-08 12:06:25

Once my dh was looking after the dcs on his own the first day of the summer holidays and when I walked back in he was saying

"I told you what would happen if you did that, you are now not going to have sweets *ever again*"

hmmm, thats a good one darling, thanks a lot

snigger Thu 11-Dec-08 12:13:32

"I'm going to take a PICTURE of this room, and I'm going to have it printed on a T SHIRT, and I'm going to make you wear it to gym so the WHOLE SCHOOL can see that you keep your pants and pyjamas on top of a pile of GUFF."

This would have required rather more dedication and effort than I am capable of in a year, and I had to offer them chocolate instead.

Ivykaty44 Thu 11-Dec-08 12:16:57

I shall ground you until you are 34 grin

travellingwilbury Thu 11-Dec-08 12:17:25

My ds (2.6) keeps fiddling with the christmas tree so yesterday I said

"If you keep messing about with the tree I am going to take it all down and put it away "

HIs answer ?

"Ok mummy"

Then all day kept asking me when I was going to put it all away .

cory Thu 11-Dec-08 12:25:16

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen on Fri 05-Dec-08 19:43:02
"we have an agreement that when it gets too much I ban them from silly things which makes us all laugh and stops tension

'ds1 yu're banned from breathing for 2 hours!' usually does it LOL "

Peachy, this is genius grin. Any parent who can send themselves up in this way is going to be exuding enough confidence to keep their los on track.

babypringle Thu 11-Dec-08 12:26:30

I told DS (2.4) that if he took his arms out of the carseat seatbelt again, the policeman would come and take him away and he'd never see mummy again. blush

His arms have stayed firmly in the harness ever since.

In my defence I was having a really really bad day, and I'd just had to stop the car for the fifth time that morning

cory Thu 11-Dec-08 12:30:04

emilyandjohn on Wed 10-Dec-08 21:46:20
"To DS when he was about 2.6 "If you don't get ready for bed now I'll start diz [breastfeeding] without you". The threat worked... "


but afraid my dd at that age might have asked "who are you going to feed?".

stardazzle Thu 11-Dec-08 12:30:54

these are good

we do the counting thing too and again wouldn't know what to do if a get to 5!

although one time we asked dd2 to pick up her toys, then the i'll count to 5 and if you haven't they're all going in the bin,, she did nothing, so i said 'right i'm going to get a bin bag' and go off to get one, expecting to come back and find toys put away, nope! start loading toys in bin and she starts helping!!!! so next 'right i'm going to put this in the dustbin now' Ok she says! ahhhhh DH put the bag in the bin, we then had to spend the next hour trying to find away she could win the toys back!

DECKmuppetWITHBOUGHSOFHOLLY Thu 11-Dec-08 12:33:23

Me - I'll clear out all of your toys from your room!!!!

Ds - silence

Me - proceeds to clear out the toys

Ds - what about my books? You've forgotton them...

Me - I'll give them away!!!!

Ds - I think Thomas down the road would like them...

Twims Thu 11-Dec-08 12:40:42

LOL at some of these - especially the whispered Thank you grin

mankymummy Thu 11-Dec-08 12:40:56

me: "if you do that once more DS, I am going to go mad"

DS: wide eyed in wonder, sits down with his elbows on his knees, chin in his hands and says "oooh, go on then mummy".

im not sure what he expected to happen !

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight Thu 11-Dec-08 12:48:39

LOLing at these - esp the disney/hotel one!

I threaten slap DS so hard he will end up in next week. blush I never actually slap him!

Have also threatened to leave him sitting on the stairs till he is 37. He is 7.

TheDevilWearsGlitter Thu 11-Dec-08 12:52:39

I once told DD we had to go home as there were so many children in the playpark it would 'break'.

Next time we went the whole thing had been ripped up for a refit and she was devestated,she thought it was her fault.

TheDevilWearsGlitter Thu 11-Dec-08 12:53:20

"I threaten slap DS so hard he will end up in next week. I never actually slap him!"

Are you serious?

smellyeli Thu 11-Dec-08 12:55:36

'If you don't stop shouting you will have to stay in the car ALL NIGHT'

Hello, is that Social Services?

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight Thu 11-Dec-08 12:57:01

Sorry DWG but yes! In moments of extreme temper/frustration it used to be. Now it is a joke as I realised it was a pretty horrible thing to say so said it one day when I wasn't in a temper cue questions of how he would end up in next week etc. Now it is saying that breaks the atmosphere that could lead to it being said in temper again iyswim.

myjobismum Thu 11-Dec-08 13:15:05

LOL isnt it funny the things we say!

I have been known on many occasions to say to DS (now 3) that I will bite his bum off!!! blush lol not sure even why i say it, but usually ends up with us running around giggling - so works.

For very bad moments we do the 1-2-3-4-5 thing and generally by the time i get to 5 it is sorted, however once or twice he has pushed me and i have reached 5 and panicked, i went on to tell him that he couldnt play with his toys for the rest of the day then - Cue me having to otherwise entertain him until bedtime - doh!

Ivykaty44 Thu 11-Dec-08 13:18:45

If you dont stop - I shall leave home grin
I went and sat ot the front gate and they came and found me.... said sorry and we all went down the path home smile

DS put your willy away - the birdies will think it's a worm and gobble it up !

Willy away and all's good !

Of course, all that summer we didn't get changed from wet swimmers into dry on the beach incase the seagulls gobbled his willy up ! hmm grin

Twims Thu 11-Dec-08 15:36:53


GoodWilfToAllMN Thu 11-Dec-08 15:57:21

I did actually phone Father Christmas this week and instructed him to bring 'one less toy'...

DS was distraught and hysterical and insisted I called him back immediately to promise he'd behave.

GoodWilfToAllMN Thu 11-Dec-08 15:59:38

envy at all those (obviously perfect) parents who never make it to 5...

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight Thu 11-Dec-08 16:16:06

I sometimes say 'I will count to 1'!

Twims Thu 11-Dec-08 18:46:38

LOL at I will count to 1!! grin

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight Fri 12-Dec-08 04:56:31

My friends look at be oddly sometimes but DS knows I mean it!

Have just remembered - when DS was 3 I had just started doing the 123 Magic thing and he did or said something and I said 'that's 1', he carried on, I said 'that's 2' so then he (obv a bit fed up) hit me (lightly) and said 'that's 3' and took himself off to the stairs. All I could do was laugh!

I have threatened to take ds back to the shop where I bought him and get a nice boy instead.

Also if you don't stop that I will throw you out of the car.

Great thread! As DS is only 16 months I haven't much to add, but I am taking notes grin

One I really couldn't follow through (although it felt like it) was when he was around 4 months old and spending all day and night awake and crying, I eventually cracked and yelled "If you don't go to sleep I'll die, then you'll be stuffed!" blush

notevenamousie Fri 12-Dec-08 08:25:53

Hang her from the ceiling by her toes! (she'd probably love it the way she hangs off the settee and does headstands anywhere and everywhere) Generally in jest, and as part of a distraction... am starting to follow through on the taking-things-away threats when they are needed.

spamm Fri 12-Dec-08 14:20:50

Me this morning to ds (3.9): If you don't open your mouth for the nice dentist Father Christmas won't bring you any presents.

This was after several other ridiculous threats made, including about no more chocolate ever and no balloon or sticker. I was at a loss with what to do and dentist was great, but getting a bit annoyed. We were also trying gentrle coaxing at same time.

In an aside to the dental assistant, I said those fateful words: I sound like my mother! blush

spamm Fri 12-Dec-08 14:22:53

Also, recently, ds would not get undressed for his bath, so dh put him in the water fully clothed - was a great giggle for all of us.

Guess what? He now demands to get into bath with clothes on - that will teach us!

asicsgirl Fri 12-Dec-08 19:03:22

"if you don't go upstairs for a wee right now i'm going to eat your lunch"

mind you that one doesn't really fit into this thread as ds1 knows only too well that i would (i am bf ds2 and constantly starving) grin

catweazle Fri 12-Dec-08 21:41:32

selectionbox "If you don't go to sleep I'll die, then you'll be stuffed!" I said the same thing to DD2 several times..

minouminou Wed 24-Dec-08 00:09:19

I say to DS (2.2), when he won't come through the front door, or won't leave the dog alone "I'm gonna get medieval on you", and for some reason, it really works, as he hops to!
As he gets older, I'm elaborating, and threatened him with thumbscrews and the iron maiden today, and have started to say Torquemada rather than medieval
I draw the line at strappado, though.....i'm keeping it blackadder rather than guantanamo bay

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